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Stillborn at 23.5 Weeks :(

I'm 20 years old. I have a 4 year old girl named Kylie. She is the love of my life. I had a miscarriage 9 months ago, and had a baby "born sleeping" only 4 days ago :( The miscarriage happened very very early and didn't phase me a whole lot, but my loss only a few short days ago is unbareable.
My pregnancy was not an easy one. When I was 18 weeks pregnant, our baby girl was diagnosed with gastroschisis (a protrusion of abdominal contents through the abdominal wall without involving the umbilical cord). Her gastroschisis was rare and involved the intestines, liver and later on the stomach. All of these organs were outside of her belly. Typically, this birth defect has a 90% chance survival rate after surgery, but our baby fell into the 10% that don't. Within the next month or so, she got sicker and sicker and problems started occurring with her heart. (We are still not sure what caused heart problems). We had an amnio done that showed a perfectly healthy child, but there is some underlying reason that fluid started collecting around her heart (which led to heart failure). On Monday, March 1st, our ultrasound detected that baby Sophia's heart was no longer beating.

On March 2, 2010, (only 4 days ago :'( ) Sophia was born into the world stillborn. She weighed 15 ounces and was 11 inches long. Although she wasn't alive, the hospital offered us the choice to spend the day with her. We feel very fortunate for having a chance to do that. We took many pictures. She was 3 1/2 months premature so she was very delicate looking and of course small. She was the most beautiful little baby I have ever seen. So perfect in every way... We love her so much and she will never ever be forgotten. :'( Her older sister, Kylie (my 4 year old) was so thrilled that she was going to have a baby sister. It has been so hard trying to explain this to her in a way she understands. She still thinks her baby sister is going to come home...

We expected the baby may not make it due to all of her problems, but it doesn't make it any easier. When we got news that she only had a 5% chance of survival, I talked to her (as weird as it sounds) and told her that it was okay for her to stop fighting so hard. I know in my heart that she died that night and I feel at peace, just a little, to know that she heard me. Although, I feel that there is no better place for her then in my arms, I am slowly accepting that she is in a better place. I cry many times a day and waiting for her autopsy report and her body to be cremated is torture.. I'm in college and trying to take finals and I just don't want to do anything. I have to try and be strong for my 4 year old daughter though.

If anyone has a similar experience with stillbirth and wants to talk, email me at Kells8906@yahoo.com. I feel like it might help to talk to someone that has actually been through this.

Sophia- An Angel's Heart Too Good For This Earth. Rest in peace beautiful angel.

Kelly

Early and Painful Loss

I was so happy that my DH had finally agreed to start trying for our second child. Our son is 4. We conceived on our second try. I started getting PG symptoms a few days before my period was even due, such as digestive issues, bleeding gums, and increased appetite. Both my DH and I were excited when I got two pink lines on the day my period was due. I excitedly hauled out my old baby stuff and went through it, went through my closet and picked out clothes I could wear while pregnant, and informed our families of the news. But early on, this pregnancy felt a bit "off," and different. I felt weak and panicky. I didn't "feel" pregnant, which I know is common enough in the first trimester; I had a hard time feeling like a pregnant person. I felt completely out of place in my midwife's office, with all the photo's of huge bellies and squishy newborns.

My loss started with a dream. Several nights before I began spotting, I had a very disturbing dream. I was looking at a bunch of dead and sickly fish in a fish tank. I was very troubled by this dream, but decided not to look it up in a dream dictionary, since I just didn't want to find out the meaning of it. The morning when I began to spot, I decided to look up my dream. The meaning was clear-my baby was dead. Pregnant women often dream of swimming fish. Since my fish were dead, I knew it was over. The MW tried to reassure me that spotting is not uncommon, but I have had far too many experiences of prophetic dreams to believe that my baby would be OK. I ended up in the ER a couple of days later when bleeding finally commenced, because of terrible pain in my side. I was checked for an ectopic pregnancy, which did not occur. The hospital staff were wonderfully kind to me, and it is something I will always remember and appreciate. For two days, I was so grief-stricken that I could barely get off the couch. It was a deeply physical impact-my sadness had thoroughly zapped me, and I was an invalid, shuffling around and speaking quietly. At first I felt that I never wanted to TTC again. It's so painful to prepare for one of life's most beautiful events, only to have it so cruelly taken away. I'm still not finished with my MC, but I'm already feeling like, yes, I want to do this again. I don't want my last experience of pregnancy to be of something so negative. So I'm hoping and praying for a healthy baby sometime soon, not just for me but for all the mamas with broken hearts and empty bellies.

Violet

I Don't Understand

When I was 18 my husband now and I found out that we were going to be parents. We were both excited and scared. I ended up having and a really bad time with the pregnancy. But I got a beautiful little boy out of it! We decided after we got married and a little more stable to try for a second baby. It took almost a year of trying, but finally we found out that we were expecting. We were sooooo happy. We told our son who was now two that he was going to get a brother or a sister soon; he was just as happy as we were! I had to go to my 8week/1st ultrasound alone because my husband had to work and could not get off.

Im laying there on the table waiting to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time and after looking for about 5 min, the doctor turns to me and says that she was sorry that she could not find a heart beat. Ilost it. It killed me the baby that I had tried for, for so long had been taken from me. The doctor sent me home with some pills that would help me miscarry on my own. I spent the next few days laying in the bed not wanting to face the world. The pills didn't work, so I ended up having to have a D&C. The doctor told me that it was normal for woman to have at least one miscarriage and that my next pregnancy would be fine. I was really depressed. People tried to be nice and tell me that they were sorry and that everything would work out, but i didn't feel fine.

I was having a really hard time with it. And to tell my two year old son that there was no more baby was really hard and even harder for him to understand. After a few months I felt a little better and decided that I wanted to try again. So after 6 months I got pregnant again. Again we where so excited but I decided that I was going to tell only family and close friends because in the back of my mind I was still thinking that something could go wrong. I went for my first doctors appointment and everything was great. Then when i was about 5 weeks I woke up one morning bleeding. I called my doctor and went in they checked me a took blood and told me to come back in two days so they could check the hormone levels in the blood work. They said that more than likely I had miscarried.

I don't understand why this keep happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? I go back a few days later and they confirm that I did miscarry. I thought that I was depressed before- now its really bad. Sometimes I just sit and cry my husband has tried to help and be there for me, but sometimes I don't want to be around anyone at all. I don't get it. No one should feel like this. Will I ever have another baby? Will I ever feel normal again?

Becky Beck

Our Baby

My story starts out with my 20 week anatomy/gender ultrasound. I was actually 21 weeks when I was able to get an appointment. I rushed to my 09:30 appointment where my husband met me at the office. As soon as the scan began, I could tell that something was wrong. The Techs face told the story. The doctor came in and told my husband and I that our baby had multiple anomolies and most likely had trisomy 18. We were as you can imagine in total shock. We were sent at once for a level 2 Ultrasound along with amniocentesis. I had very low levels of amniotic fluid and it was difficult for the MD to obtain any fluid. After leaving the office I did pass a small amount of fluid. I never felt the baby move again. My husband went to work that morning because we had no idea if the baby would pass or not.

I woke the next morning called the Doctor's office and they asked me to come in. There was no heartbeat. I was devestated, but I didn't cry. I drove home in shock, packed my bag, made arrangements for my daughter, and waited for my husband to come home. My husband in a rush to get home, crushed his foot with a large pipe and could barely walk by the time he got home.
We left for the hospital and I was admitted. They started the induction around 3pm on 2/10/10. I took max doses of Demerol that the doc had prescribed for me. I did not want to feel any physical pain. The emotional was overwhelming enough. I woke up in the middle of the night with intense pain. I delivered the little angel at 2:05 on 2/11/10. They believe she was a girl, but she was so swollen they could not tell us for sure. (We will find out if/ when genetic testing is complete) We named her Savannah Rose and she was 1lb 6oz and 8 inchs long. Her skin was very red but her face was so little and cute.
I did have to have a D and C after delivery, but went home later that morning. I have never experienced such grief in my life. I hope this is the worst thing I ever go through.
It has been 4 days now and my breast milk has engorged my breasts which is not helping matters. I am looking to God for strength and hopeful I will soon again be a happy person.

Sarah

Joaquin Amadeo 12-17-09

I am 23 years old and married to the most wonderful man I have ever met. We got married after only knowing each other a few months; it was just perfect, meant to be. Everything about our relationship was falling into place effortlessly; we were crazy about each other and had all the same core values and ambitions. We wanted to start a family while we were young and able to. So immediately, even before we actually "got married" we began TTC! We were so excited, we thought you could just decide you wanted to get pregnant and get started right away. We didn't realize the importance of beginning prenatal treatment BEFORE you get pregnant. The traditional sort of way is to decide and TRY to get pregnant. We got started trying to get pregnant the instant after we decided it was time. However, I started my period a few days later so we thought I was not pregnant.
Surprise! 4 weeks later I am experiencing all sorts of symptoms, breast tenderness, cramping, and NO sign of my period.
I was in shock; I couldn't believe that we were already pregnant. But it was the greatest shock of my life, I had always dreamt of becoming pregnant someday! Most of my friends already have children so I was the last one to hop on the train, and I was completely ecstatic.
My hubby's and my life seemed sooo perfect. He's pre-med now, with three degrees, I have my degree, we bought a home, got married...everything was happening perfectly...almost too perfectly.
I started going to my monthly checkups and taking my prenatals as soon as i found out that I was pregnant but couldn’t keep up with them very well since at my 9th week I was having a lot of nausea and vomiting and I was also on antibiotics for a UTI I had been diagnosed with, it was horrible. I could not stand the smell of anything! Regardless of whether it was a perfume or trash sitting out, or just the smell of fried food, or even my husband’s natural smell…I just could NOT stand it! I couldn’t even stand for my hubby to kiss me, it was soooo bad. The doc put me on Unisom and B6 and also gave me some phenergan which helped but made me soooo drowsy. My first pregnancy, I had no idea what was going on with my body, horrible horrible heartburn and indigestion! I mean I had the works given to me! It got to the point of dehydration too! It was bad and sometimes I almost didn’t want to be pregnant, I feel so horrible now because I DID want my baby, I was just so hormonal and emotional and experiencing so much discomfort that it really did confuse me. However, the late night “swishes” I began to feel in my tummy made all the ugly go away.
The slight movement, that feels like little fish swimming in the pit of your stomach, “butterflies,” began at about my 12th week and were very faint but progressively got stronger. It was truly exciting my pregnancy was becoming more and more real along with my little bump forming. It was great and then all of my horrible symptoms went away.
Everyone had told me that the symptoms would soon subside, and they did. I was sooo relieved. Finally, I could enjoy my pregnancy and quit depriving my child of food! I began all my cravings; this time in my pregnancy was delicious! I savored every moment along with my growing tummy! It was such a beautiful moment!
But it didn’t last long, 2 weeks later I go in for my QUAD blood testing that is routine at 16 weeks. I felt quite uneasy about it all, I even related my concerns to a couple of people. I was mainly concerned because my late night “butterflies” had stopped occurring and I didn’t feel myself growing anymore. Call me crazy or call it mother’s instinct, I knew something was wrong.
Well I was 17 weeks when I went in for the testing and my next checkup was at 18 wks! Me and my hubby were so excited it was going to be the sono scan that would tell Boy or Girl. But 4 days before the appt. I receive a call from the nurse that one of the tests came back with a high result and that I needed to go in the next day. Then I became really concerned, she said the test that came back abnormal was the one for NTDs. I completely panicked and bawled my soul out, I wanted my baby to be okay. I kept asking my husband what would happen if the baby had passed? I had a feeling, a feeling that he wasn’t with anymore. I was miserable and anxious. We did all the research we could that night about NTDs and how they develop and how they are prevented and a wave of guilt suffocated me because I had not been able to take my prenatals after my 24/7 morning sickness took over. I finally calmed down and spent a relaxed evening with my hubby who was my rock, my support. He said everything right and everything that was able to put me at ease.
The next day was the appt. I remember I was standing down the hallway when I saw the doctor come up and he told me (smiling, laughing) that I had gotten so much bigger since the last time he had seen me. I felt so proud of myself, I was taking care of my baby, eating right and making sure everything was okay and in turn he was growing. The nurse walked in and first took a Doppler to look for the baby’s HB, there was only a sound of swishing but nothing else. I thought maybe it isn’t able to pick it up but the sonogram will, I was still hopeful. The nurse stepped out and the doctor came in, he started the sonogram and after a while I noticed that the baby was not moving and just didn’t “look” right. He was crunched over in a very tight, confined space it seemed like. I just knew it. I knew it then. My baby was dead. It took the doctor a moment, and then he explained that he had called us in to give us the results of the QUAD test and did not expect to see that the baby had passed. I couldn’t believe it. My heart sank, I felt so awkward, I felt like a failure, I felt that I was in a horrid nightmare, a nightmare that was not real. It all became so hazy, even now, remembering is a blur. I definitely stepped out of myself and that present moment and everything was very slow. My mother and husband were bawling, couldn’t believe it. I’m my parent’s only child, and they have been anticipating grandparenthood since as long as I can remember. This baby was long expected and hoped for, it was our light of joy our hope for the future.
I had never felt such a repulsion for my body, as I did that day. I felt like I did not belong in my body. It was an alien to me. I no longer felt pregnant and happy, I felt death in me, I felt like death was a part of me and I couldn’t shake it away. And then I felt like a bad person because I could not go another day with my dead child inside of me. It wasn’t fair. It was my first pregnancy. I was supposed to be a mom.
I had so many thoughts and questions flying and running into each other in my mind. What had I done to deserve this? Did I provoke this? Am I a bad person? I don’t belong to religion, is God punishing me? I am a failure, I couldn’t complete the task of motherhood. I was defective, I let everyone down.
To make everything worse, I was going to have to go through a regular labor only to have no compensation at the end. I wasn’t ready, I had planned on making plans and training for labor later on in my pregnancy. I had time. I was only 18 weeks pregnant. But the truth was I didn’t have time, the time was now and I had no clue about what I was REALLY going to experience. They induced me at 8 PM and I spent all night with my labor pains and my horrible reality. I wasn’t going to have my baby. The baby I had yearned for. In the morning I had my baby boy. I wasn’t told at the doctor’s office, I didn’t want to know, I had wanted to detach myself from the entire situation. Knowing now that he was a baby boy, made everything more real and a little easier. He was a normal looking baby, he was so beautiful. No noticeable defects. Just a regular 18 week baby. He had my nose and my husband’s long skinny fingers. He was gorgeous!
We didn’t know what the protocol was on this weird situation. Should we have a funeral, should we even name him, I mean a billion things that you never imagine you will have to decide for. As horrible as people might think this was we didn’t know if we should use the names we had already decided on prior to the horrible news. We had decided Joaquin Amadeo for a boy but we didn’t want to use up the name. However, we reminded ourselves that he was a person that had existed if even briefly in our lives and decided that was rightfully his name. Our baby boy Joaquin Amadeo! We did in fact decide to have a small burial for our lost angel and it was the best thing we could have done. It gave us the assurance that his body was okay and gave us a place to go visit him whenever we want.
It has been an extremely difficult journey and it has only been 2 months since this ordeal. But I like to think that it was all a part of a higher authority’s will. He knows why everything happens. Now I am petrified of having to go through that again, but the tests done did not shed any significant light on the cause of our stillbirth and the doctor says we have to try again in order to attribute it to a genetic disorder. We are already trying again, and praying everything goes well this time around. I have been taking my prenatals way in advance and a high dose of folic acid due to the abnormal screening results we had received and I am going to be extra cautious! I hope our story is able to help others cope, I know, firsthand, that its nice to know you are not alone. Unfortunately, it happens. And reading other’s stories helps me cope.

Viviana