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Broken

Me And My Bf Of 3 Years Began Trying March Of 2008 To Become Pregnant May Of 2009 We Where Very Happy To Find Out We Where Expecting , I Was 7 Weeks And 6 Days Along And Begone Spotting So I Made A Trip To The Hospital Right Away And After Only A Few Minuets Of Waiting The Doctor Came In And Ask me A Few ?s And Then Told Me He Would Like To Do An Emergency Ultrasound With In The Next 24 Hours And Then Sent Me Home And Said It All Sounder Normal But He Would Like To Be 100% Sure So An Ultrasound Was In Order. The Next Day I Got The Call To Come In And Get The Ultrasound . In The Ultrasound They Seen An Empty Sack Witch Was Not A Good Thing Then They Informed Me That I Had Lost The Baby :-( Those Words Struck My Ears Like A Tune Of Bricks I Was In Such Shock And Sadness I Could Not Believe This Was Happening To Me It Hurt So Much In My Mind And Hart I Did Not Know What To Do Or Say I Forgot How To Move Me And My Mother Sat In The Room And Cried As We Walked Down the Halls To Go Home All I Wanted To Do Was Scream And Wake Up From The Night Mare My Life Had Just become . I Then Had To Wait For A Week At Home For Something To Start Happening For My Body To Do This On Its Own Witch Did Not Work So I Had To Go See A Doctor About Getting Pills That Help Flush You Out. And This Doctor Who Was Very Rude With Me Due To My Age ( I Am 21 By The Way )Made Me Cry The WHole Viste Due To Her Addatude With Was The Last Thing I Needed But Yeah She Gave Me The Pills And I Hesitated On Taking Them
For A Few Days Then I Took Them And With In An Hour I Was In full Blown Labor ( Witch Is What The Pills Do They Are Used To Indus Women When They Are Over Due And Also To Help Flush Out The Miscarriage )As I Was Waiting To Deliver A Empty Sack That Was My One Chance At Being The Mom Ive Always Wanted To Be :-( All I Could Do Was Cry From The Pain Of The Cramps And The Pain My Hart Felt I Am Still Going Threw The Pain Of This Not Only In My Hart But In My Body I Took Those Pills 4 Days Ago I Wish This Would All Be Over! I Know The Memory Of This Will Never Be forgotten But I just Want My Body Back I Hurt So Much And I Just Don't Know What To Do Anymore In Between The Night Mars Wile I Sleep And the Stars From Everyone Around Me I Just Feel So Lost In This World Right now And My Cuzin Who Me And Her Have Always Been Alike Found Out She Was Expecting At The Same Time I Did She Was A Week Behind Me And She Is Doing Great And My Best Friend From School Also Found Out She Was Expecting She Was 2 Weeks Behind Me She is Great As Well I Am So Happy For Them Both But At The Same Time It Is So Hard To Watch Knowing That This January When All 3 Of Our Little ones Where Due Only 2 Will Be Coming :-( I Hate Feeling Like I Am Pitying My Self Ive Never Been One To Put My Self First But I Just Cant Seem to Think Of Anything But My Lost Sence The Day I Found Out . I Feel So Lost And Just No Me Anymore Some day's I Feel Are Easy er Then Others When I Have My Bf Around And Family But Even Wile Sleeping Beside My Bf I Still Feel Alone I Know It Will In A Way Get Better In Time But I Just Have A Hard Time Seeing That Right Now . Me And My Bf Have Talked A Little About Trying Again But We Have De sided To Wait A Year Cause I Am Ready For A Baby But I Am Not Ready For The Chance Of This Happening Again I Do Believe In My Hart That I Will Be A Mom Someday And I Will Make My Wonderful Bf The Father He Wants To Be <3 But For Right Now I Know I Just Need To Heel My Body And My Mind . For All You Women Who Have Been Threw This I Am very Sorry For Your Lost And I Hope The Best For You All <3 And I Pary You Will All Have Your Day Some Time In The Futcher <3
I Hope I Will To <3

Kelly

qOne but never fOrgOtten

most women were reallly blessed witht thier beautiful children unfortunetly i lossed my baby.
iwas 16 when ihad gott pregnant i was in my juniOr year in highschool by the boy ithought i truely loved. we were together for about 2 years happy as could be. yes we were sexually activee bt he was my first<3

the 1st to meet my family
1st to take my virginity
&1st to ever love me

well onee month had came & no period?.
then onee turned into 2 months.'
&before iknew it it had been three

my mother took me to the doctor to have a pregnancy test ididnt tell my boyfriend because ididnt want him to worry.

well test results came in & iwas pregnant.'

me & my mom cried our eyes out
&iwas schedule for an ultrasound.

iwent homee &called my boyfriend &told him
he was worried of course bt he said "its okay everything is going to be okay baby"

well iwent for my ultrasound &seen my precious gift.

btt after a few days istarted bleeding.

so iwent to the emergency & they had told mee
im sorry to have to tell you this but its because your having a miscarrage):

icried for days & so did my boyfriend
that same night ihad a call from my grandmother telling me my father had passed away.

it was so hard to get through bt ialways say gone bt never forgotten.

women who have had thier children no matter wha age you were blessed.'

iknow its not easy bt who ever said life was going to be easy.

women all over the world stay strong and take care of your children because they are the future.'

ily baby<3

andrea

R.I.P

WOW!! I never thought this would happen to me.
My boyfrined David and i were together about a week before we had sex.. i got pregnent after the 3 rd time.. we were bother 14..
well i just told my paretns they told me to leave they were don e with me, so davids mom let me move in..
Me and him were in love.. i cared so much for him.. soo after 7 months of long pregnency we were told we wld have a little girl.
i was so happy, i would have a little angel..
well we were on the porch and i got up, walked to the street, i was on the phone and a drunk driver hit me..
well i lost my little angel, david and i were so sad.. i cried for days.. my little Allishia Marie was dead and gone..
well after about 6 months, i fell pregnent again..
i had told my mom she hung up on me. well its been 2 years, we have a little girl name Ashley Marie..
We have Allishia's sonograms in her room, she knows thats her big sister.. she loves her even though she doesnt know her..
Ashley is growing up so fast.. shes so happy, me and david are both 16, with a 2 year old..
we r happy walking through highschool together...

Allishia baby i will always love you forever.. even though i never got to hold you i still love you baby girl.. your still my world..

Ashley i dont know how i would have gotten through this without you princess.. i love you to death..

andrea

My time will come..

I found out I was pregnant on April 9th, 2009, just before Easter. Turns out I conceived the day before my 32nd birthday and we were due December 17th, 2009 It was very exciting but nerve wrecking at the same time. I had two previous miscarriages. The first one was Oct 2, 2008 at 5 1/2 weeks. The second one was January 11th, 2009 and I was 10 weeks but the fetus stopped developing at 8 weeks. This third pregnancy was going to be different . I felt different, I felt great and I was getting so excited. I passed the 10 week mark and during that weekend, I remember not feeling well. I just felt different and knew something wasn't right. I had an appt. with my midwife at 11 weeks. I had some light spotting and was worried. She said my blood work was good and everything looked good. She could even feel the top of the uterus just under my stomach. I shrugged off the spotting but the next week I began to spot again, only thing it was much darker and there was more there. I had only mild cramping and kept thinking that it was all in my head. I was so close to my 12th week and was hoping everything would be fine and then I could tell everyone our exciting news. On June 4th at 2:30 am I woke up with serious cramping and I was bleeding a lot. It was exactly like the second time I miscarried. My husband took me to ER and they did an exam and ultrasound. They couldn't see a heartbeat and the Dr. said the fetus wasn't the size it should be for 12 weeks, he said it was smaller. I had to be admitted to the hospital and was there for 18 hours. I had another ultrasound done and I was told that the fetus had a very slow heart beat and that it wasn't going to live. It was also underdeveloped. I was heartbroken and cried. I had miscarried on the 12th week. I was expecting to announce joyous news but instead I was losing a baby again. A specialist came in and met with me and my husband. He said a D&C would have to be done and then I would have to meet with him in a couple weeks to discuss what to do next as I had three miscarriages in a row. While waiting for the D&C, I went into preterm labor. I was in so much pain and was bleeding a lot. My D&C was pushed back because of other emergencies but it was finally done. I'm recovering physically but emotionally, it will take some time. Going through a miscarriage is one of the hardest things I've done. Going through three miscarriages is something I never thought would happen. It is the toughest thing ever and I would never wish this upon anyone. This will not stop me from having a family. I will have a family one day but right now, I will have to work on myself. I have to be healthy, especially mentally. I have my ups and downs and it will take time to be and feel 'normal' again. I am extremely lucky to have my husband and family by my side. My husband has been my support and he's been so understanding. I thank him everyday for being here. I didn't write this to scare people off but to give them courage to never give up. I feel things happen for a reason and that the fetus wasn't healthy. It's hard to think positive somedays but I know one day I will have a baby of my own, it's just not my time yet.

Melissa

It Happens

I found out that I was pregnant on the 29th April from a home testing kit. I wasn't suprised to discover I was pregnant as I hadn't taken the Pill since December, my partner and I weren't actively trying for a baby but didn't mind if it happened. I felt a mixture of emotions as I stared down at the positive reading on the test, but overall I was excited about the prospect of a new baby and couldn't wait to tell my two other children (Jamie13 and Luke 9). I had worked out that I was approximatley 5 weeks pregnant at this point, but wanted to wait until I had my twelve week scan before we told the children or family. Unlike my two previous pregnancies I didn't have sickness and this did concern me slightly, (I kidded myself maybe it's a girl thats why). I think from the begining I knew somthing was wrong but I told myself that I was worrying over nothing as I had two healthy children and two very normal pregnancies in the past. I was about to turn thirty one and wanted to really enjoy the magic of pregnancy and embrace everything about it this time around, as with my two children I was so young when I had them that I didn't enjoy anything about being pregnant, and felt so lonely and isolated when they were babies, I felt ugly, depressed and so alone in the world , my confidence and self worth were at an all time low especially when I was pregnant with my youngest child. But this time round things were going to be different, we had a nice car, owned a nice home and I felt that my relationship with my partner of fourteen years was the best that it had been for quite some time.
As the following weeks of my pregnancy progressed I couldn't contain my excitment and told two of my closest friends the news, they were really pleased for me and I wouldn't be sorry to leave my current job as an admin/accounts assistant (yawn yawn). The baby would have been due on Christmas day according to the doctors date but I predicted the baby would be born at the begining of the New Year and what a way to start 2010. Our happiness and plans were shattered on friday 29th May, I started bleeding in the evening, only a small amount of blood and a little brown discharge, I knew this wasn't right for me and felt sick with worry, my partner and I decided to go to A & E, we told our youngest child that I was not feeling very well and my oldest was staying at a friends (thank God he's not as easily fooled with such explanations). At the hospital everyone was very polite and helpful except the male nurse who took my blood and urine, while I was getting my urine sample ready I heard him telling the doctor that I had asked, if the fact I was getting no cramping was a good sign, that prehaps I may not miscarry, I heard him telling the doctor that bleeding is never a good sign and I got the impression that he was making fun of me for asking such a stupid question, doesn't he realise I was trying to cling to some kind of hope that I wasn't going to loose my baby.
The doctor kept us waiting until the early hours of Saturday morning and all she could tell me was that my blood was normal and that my urine sample was quite clear, my hormone results were not back so all the doctor could do was book me for a scan on the Monday, she asked me if my breasts were tender and I had noticed for a couple of days that they hadn't felt sore, It was then that she informed me that maybe it was a missed miscarrage and in my heart I just knew she was right.
Over the weekend I got my hormone results by phoning the hospital, they seemed to read ok for approximatley 8 weeks which was a little glimmer of hope for me, but on sunday the bleeding was heavier and and on the Monday the scan showed that my baby had no heart beat, it had died at 8 weeks which coincided with having not felt well on the previous Tuesday and Wednesday, I had also lost my appetite which is very unlike me. After the scan I had to go to the early pregnancy unit and wait for the nurses to explain (I can't remember what) to me, I just burst into tears and they just let me cry for a few moments then I had to wait for the doctor. The doctor explained my options, a D & C, or to let nature take it's course. I opted for the D & C as this would be the quickest option and seemed to be what the Doctor thought would be the best decision. The D & C was carried out on Wednesday, I explained to my work what had happened and am now recovering at home. Everyday it's getting a little easier to deal with, although one minute I feel fine and the next I'm really down, the thing that I'm going to find hard to deal with, is one of my friends who I had confided in about my pregnancy has just told me that she is now pregnant, she gave this news to me on the Saturday that I told her that I was bleeding and that I thought I was loosing my baby which in my opinion is really insensative. I can't find it in me to be happy for her and I feel bad for that, she hasn't even known the father for more than a few weeks. I can't bear other pregnant women, I'm ok with babies (obviously not newborns) but they are everywhere at the moment, so many pregnant women everywhere. I think to myself 'why me' every day, I cut out drinking took vitamins and this happened. I feel so angry especially when 'the friend' tells me that she doesn't want a boy (this is after she has called me after my scan to see if I'm ok), another insensitive comment I think. John (my partner) says 'these things happen, It happens.' I hate that comment, yes things happen to other people, if someones mum died you don't say 'it happens,' lots of bad things happen in the world, but It usually happens on the news or to someone else, only 'it happens' can be said by the person it has happened to. I feel angry all the time and very bitter, you cannot understand the grief unless you have experienced it yourself. I am blessed to have two beautiful healthy happy children but It doesn't make my loss any less painfull, I wanted this baby and I wanted to be his or hers mum. I don't know if I should tell my mum or sisters or if should carry this on my own. My partner isn't the talking type but I don't want to upset my parents or burden them with this pain as well. I don't know if I will try again, at this point in time I'm too scared to even go for a poo let alone have sex again or try for another baby. Don't know if I could go through this again. I hope time is a healer but I will never forget the baby I lost.

Nicola Pantlin