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Hardest choice

I don't no why but I just felt that I should wright my story,
When my boyfriend and I were together for about a month we found out that I was pregnant at first when I told him he was excited but when it came time to tell his parents he got scared and so did I but after he told them they started to say that I should get rid of it and that me and my boyfriend hadn't been together that long and all that kinda stuff but when I sat down with my boyfriend he started to say the same things and I started to feel that if I kept the baby he would leave me and after watching my mum be a single mum I couldn't do it so I let other people make that decision for me and it completely killed me inside and it took alot for my boyfriend to make it past it but now 8 1/2 months on we have been blessed again and are going to be the happiest family.

My sweet unexpected angel

Where to begin......it all seems so confusing. My partner and I found out we were having a baby at the end of august. It was such an amazing surprise . Some may say an accident but I always think that sounds so harsh! I have had a difficult year as I lost my father suddenly in June and for weeks afterwards I felt as though just the effort of breathing was too much to cope with some days. As the time passed I was able to manage my grief a little better although the pain doesn't really dwindle. When we discovered we were going to be parents we were so overwhelmed. This would have been my first child although my partner has two son's from a previous relationship. We didn't tell a sole and refused to get excited until I'd passed the 12 week mark. We got the date for the first scan and that date became the focus. If everything is fine at the scan, we'll spread the news. The evening before the day where I would have been 11 weeks pregnant I had a little spotting. I called the doctor and he said to rest up and see what happened as I wasn't suffering any pain. The spotting continued for the following 24hrs. The doctor then sent me to A&E as the pains had started and were growing stronger as time went by. The obstetrician took some blood and gave me some pain killers then sent me home. Two hours later after the pains getting so severe I though I was going to pass out I began to bleed heavily, then gave birth to my 11 week old baby while lying in my bath. I can't describe how horrified I was at having to look at my little angel in this state. I began to lose blood quickly and had to be taken back to A&E where I was taken into theatre and given an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding. I awoke feeling absolutely nothing. No pain, no emotion just a cold feeling mixed with a faint dashing of injustice. That was only yesterday morning. I'm home now and I'm terrified to face the loss. So far its been business as usual as I can't cope any other way. I'm scared that if I let myself feel again I'll be back in the place I was when Dad was taken from me. I really don't think I'm strong enough to go through this right now. Although our little angel was unexpected we desperately wanted our little family unit to be complete. How do I begin to face the future feeling so scared of how I feel? I don't blame anyone, I know nature took its course and that's the way its going to be but I have no idea how on earth I'm going to get through this. Its just so hard. Thank you for letting me tell my story, it helps to be totally honest and not have to put on a brave facexx

Missed Misscarriage

I was 18 when i found out that I was pregnant with my first baby, I was so excited and had just gotten engaged to my partner at the time, it was like a dream come true.
I went to the doctor and he organised all my tests and an ultrasound to find out how far along I was, they couldnt see much at the ultrasound but estimated me to be about 5 weeks and told me I would be due around the 1st May 2011. I was extatic :)
I then started experiencing horrible morning sickness, then around the 8 week mark the sickness stopped, by my 12 week mark 2 days before my next ultrasound I realised i wasnt really showing at all, but just put it down to everyones body is different.
I walked into the hospital nervous for some unknown reason, but just passed it off as me being silly. We walked into the room with smiles on our faces and I was told to lay on the bed and that "this gel may be a bit cold" with a chuckle.
The technician then made the connection of the machine to my skin and I then seen my baby hadn't grown past the 7 week mark, there was no heartbeat and was completley lifeless. The technician then looked at me with sadness in his eyes, and told me he wanted to go get a second opinion, i couldn't bare to see that twice, I then got up in shock and left. I went straight to my Mum and finally broke down.
My partner at the time cried with me but, i still felt so alone.

I went to the doctors the next day, scared of what he was going to tell me I took my older sister with me for support. I had no signs of bleeding and my uterus was still completley closed. He told me to wait a week and if nothing had happened to call the hospital to organise a D&C or a certain tablet that brings on misscarriages under 9 weeks (thats what i opted for).
A week later and nothing, I then rung the hospital and attended an appointment they then called my doctor down to do the procedure, little did I know these so called tablets were to be vaginaly inserted not orally taken, I for some reason freaked out and left with the midwife telling me how stupid I was.
This was October 6th 2010, My fiance at the time left me October 28th 2010 I realised then i really was alone and the depression kicked in.

I spent the next 5 months partying, drinking and really not giving a crap about my life, the worst part was I was still carrying a deceased child around in my stomach! Luckily my uterus stayed closed otherwise I would have been in some serious trouble! In March 2011 I finally started to bleed, I went to the hospital and they told me the reason my uterus had stayed so tightly shut was because even though my little one was no longer alive the placenta was still healthy and working, my body still thought I pregnant. I then continued into full labour and 30 hours of it, the hospital gave me 2 panadol and sent me home.
Luckily I had my Mum by my side the whole time, and the worst it got the more I needed her. 4:30am 30 hours later I felt a massive contraction and a sudden need to push. I tried running to the toilet but, it was too late. I thought I soiled myself or something shocked I walked to the toilet and took my pants down only to see my placenta, the umbilical cord and a tiny sack all still perfectly attached.
This made me scream and break down, but was also such a relief to know I could finally move on and my little one could bbe at rest. I screamed for my Mum and she cleaned everything up and sent me to the shower. I then realised all the pain was gone, i cried for days but I'm so glad I could do it all without an operation! I got my grieving period and i was so proud of myself for it.

I will never ever forget my first born child, and the love will never fade. But, believe it or not the pain has. The guy i was with is a complete a**hole and never deserved a beautiful baby in the first place, and i honestly dont think i was entirely ready either!

3 Months later I found out I was pregnant again, I was terrified as my boyfriend and I had only been together for a month, My first ultrasound was terrifying I had the same feeling as the first time, but to my surprise bubs had a strong heartbeat and was completley healthy. Im now 30 weeks pregnant and due 29th Dec 2011 with a beautiful baby girl <3 We've never been happier :)

Just goes to show, dont ever give up.. And no matter what the situation your strong enough to overcome anything.

Jessica Mayy

STILLBIRTH

I give birth to my second daughter who I named Rosalind two weeks before my due date, through normal labour without delay.When I gave birth in a local clinic,my baby was not breathing and there was no experience midwife or resuscitation kits to resuscitate my baby.I had to sit up and give CPR to my tiny princess but it was rather too late.The grieve I carry with me is I, really don't know if my baby was still born or just a flat baby but due to the lack of resuscitation she died.I keep baming myself every day for allowing it to happen.

Fortunately am pregnant again but am so worried that it will end like the previous one.I am considering going for cesearean two weeks before my due date but not sure if thats the solution.Am also considering waiting for it to be born naturally,just don't know what to done to make sure the baby is safe.

AMIE

The Best of Things, And the Worst of Things

At a young age, 16, I fell in love for the first time. At the time I thought he was the man of my dreams. But now I see it was only puppy love. He was 18. We met at a gamming covention where he kissed me on the beach, we were both in our costumes and it was funny to a degree. We talked alot for about three months, then we got together. It was a long distance relationship, he lived 8 hour away from me but he made frequent visits.
On my 17th birthday he forcibly convinced me to loose my virginity to him. After that I really just figured, Im not a virgin so what the hell? We always used protection and I was on birthcontrol. He moved to my city to be with me. A week later there was a text on my phone saying 'I cant leave my mother like this' Damn mommas boy. Anyway, a month later I was starting to get over him but still hadnt had my period. It was then I found out I was pregnant.
I was so scared and I sure as hell didnt want to tell him. I went to the hospital to confirm. I was 9 weeks pregnant. I was terrified! Who would want me now? I was a teenage mom to be! No one would love me, my parents would hate me and I sure as hell couldnt tell them! Three weeks later I had been feeling some pains and had some bleeding and when I returned to the hospital I found out I had lost my child. Most likely from stress.
Everyday that weighs on my mind, I stressed so much rather than being happy about it, and killed my own child. I told the father a year and a half later. He turned into a 'fail player' acting like he got all the girls when they clearly didnt want him. He responded with 'I knew it! That day I felt like I left more than just a girlfriend behind, I was leaving a child. My child. Im a father, well would have been a father! No thanks to you now' which followed with things on how he was psychic or some other shit. I promptly blocked him on my phone.
Im currently engaged to a man I've known most of my life who accepts me for who I am. I love him so much an hes always been there for me.
I miss my child so much, I wish I would have gotten the chance to meet him or her... But I chose a gender nutreal name for him or her.. Taylor, 12 weeks, death day October 24th. I love you Taylor and I cant wait to meet you in Heaven one day. I never got to meet you but you still mean so much to me.
~Mommy

AMIE