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my sweet boys x

as soon as i woke up, i knew something was wrong.

i was 25 weeks with twins, this was all that i'd ever dreamed of - a family, husband, house with a garden a little dog - my life was perfect. it was 2 boys - Alasdair Rowan Kingsley, and William Frank Kingsley

. but as i jerked awake, i felt the screaming pain across my stomach, i knew it wasn't braxton hicks. fearful, i went to the bathroom, but on the landing my waters broke. with the next contraction i grabbed the banister and just leant there sobbing. my husband oscar woke with the commotion, and he held me as i cried, carried me downstairs to the car where we drove to the hospital.

i went from sad, to panicky, i was distraught - my babies, help my babies! but somewher inside me i knew it was too late. what was the survival rate? could they delay it? oscar kept me positive the whole way there, lots of hugs which i needed so badly.

when i was examined they said there was nothing they could do- i was too far gone. i wept into oscars chest. it was horrible, them telling me to push when i knew it was wrong, i shouldn't be here, doing this, im too early.

my 2 angels were delivered at 4 in the afternoon. william weighed 1lb 3oz, and lived 2 1/2 hours before he passed away. alasdair fought for 3 days before he too passed away.

the doctors say that they were just to small, their lungs weren't properly developed, nor was the rest of their vital organs. they said i could of gone into labour for a number of reasons, but i felt like i'd failed them. my 2 sweet boys were so perfect as i held them, but my body was not strong enough to keep them.

i am scared to try again, afterwards i became depressed, and me and oscar sometimes struggled to communnicate. it hurts everyday, and at first i was so angry that the world just kept on turning , nothing changed, BUT MY BOYS WERE dEAD, I HAD CHANGED! yet i felt that everyone else was ignorant to my crumbling. me and oscar are still together, still in love, i know oneday i will be a mother, but it'll take a while for me and oscar to be ready for that all again.

carly

Lost my sec child at 10 weeks

I was going 10 weeks strong and everything seemed to be great, but I was so surprised the whole 10 weeks that the only symptoms I was having was enlarged breast, large appetite, and fatigue. Suddenly just about 3 days ago. I was dripping a little bit of bright red blood but the cramping was mild. I called 3 nurses and all of them told me it's normal and it's just implantation bleeding. The next day something told me not to go to work and to try to get a doc appointment early. I started getting sharp sparadic pains in my sides and that's when I called the doc and demanded an appointment. Three hours later they said I could come in for an ultrasound and lab work. When I got there. They made me wait over 2 hours. All of a sudden the pain hit me hard and I could barely walk to the bathroom. The toilet was filled with blood clots and bright red blood. I knew I lost my baby. I didn't realize how long I was in there til the Doc came to the door and said she needed to see me. She brought me into the room and checked my uterus and told me the placenta collapsed and I was in the middle of a miscarriage. They rushed me to the ER and performed surgery. The gave me meds that made me sleep through the whole surgery. Today I'm just re-coping with everything but my boyfriend has been here which has been a huge help, it also helps to remind myself that I still have my two year old beautiful daughter and that my boyfriend and I can alway try again later down the road. God has his reasons for everything and I fully trust God's decision.

Jenn Holland

pregnacy after a still birth

we lost our daughter isabella at 28 weeks in feb 2010 they say there was no reason for her have died but we feel the weekend shift and lack of doctors on duty i was in hospital from friday afternoon but was made to wait till monday morning for a scan sadly izzy died early hours monday after no movement from satrday after they had given me my second lung injection for her i was told lack of movement was down to her being sleep but sadly she was dying in me
how 5 months on im 12 weeks pregnant and scared as hell
i was told 5 years ago i could have anymore children and izzy proved them all wrong and so has this one

sharmayne repetto-lee

18 week loss

We became pregnant with our 4th child unexpectedly. the pregnancy was difficult, made more so by job loss and stress at home, but we were happy to be adding another child to our family. we took the whole family to our 18 week ultrasound, our 3 other children were so excited to see what we were having. we already had 3 boys and were hoping for a girl. our ultrasound tech got started, went completely silent, and then said he would be right back. I knew something was wrong, I had felt something was wrong for a while, but had let everyone talk me out of it. My husband took our 3 kids out to the car at my request as i just knew something was wrong. I can still hear the tech asking the doctor what to do, i heard the doctor respond that after he was done talking to me i would need some time, so I knew then it wasnt just wrong, i knew my baby had died. our delivery was scheduled for two days later, we were far enough along that i had to deliver. In the hospital they hooked me up to the monitors, including a fetal monitor that never blipped once. on that monitor i could see the other mothers in labor as well. not their names, but i could watch each of their contractions, and worse i could see their fetal monitors with their infants heartbeats. I know that it is done that way so the nurses can keep track of all their patients no matter where they are at but it was heartwrenching to see my fetal heart rate never move next to all those active heart rates. I delivered a little girl at 3 in the after noon. she was 7 inches long, and weighed 4 oz.
it has been 5 months and i still have nightmares, i still cry daily. i ache to hold my baby. I feel completely alone. My life has been completely demolished. I hurt when i see a baby. I am not sure how long i will feel this way, I want to feel normal again. but my child died, and everyone keeps acting as if a miscarriage is commonplace and nothing to get upset over. I just want to scream!!!!!!!!! MY CHILD DIED! I held her lifeless body. It is not commonplace and i am upset. I hate that everyone wants me to move on so quickly. if my parent had died, or my husband had died, i would be grieving, so why not grieve over my child? I hate this.

sharmayne repetto-lee

My Lost Baby Girl

My sweet baby, Calla Katherine, was a super star right up to my due date at 40 weeks - healthy and active.

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes during my 28th week of pregnancy and as a result, had weekly ultrasounds and fetal heart monitoring. Calla was born on Sunday, April 18th, 2010 and she had been perfect on Friday, April 16th during my last round of fetal monitoring. The regular nurse at the fetal assessment clinic, who I knew very well by that time, was gone away on vacation and a new nurse who I had never met before was filling in. I'll always wonder if she missed something when she did the ultrasound on Friday, April 16th .... one of my many many "what ifs" that I ask myself each and every day.

My water broke at 5:30 a.m. on Sunday, April 18th, 2010 - the day before my due date - I went into the bathroom and looked down to see meconium in the fluid. My contractions immediately came on strong and we rushed to the hospital. They immediately tried to find her heartbeat, but the only one that could find was about 60 bpm - the doctors don't know if that was my heartbeat or the baby's. They rushed me into the OR and performed a crash c-section under general anesthetic but it was too late - the cord was wrapped around her neck 5 times and she was already gone.

Because I was completely out during the surgery, they had to intubate me and my husband was not allowed to come in - he was left outside in the hallway pacing, wondering what was going on and if he had lost both of us. When I finally woke up, I couldn't remember where I was or why we were there and then the moment I will relive every minute of every day for the rest of my life - my husband, tears spilling down his cheeks, saying "Amy, the baby didn't make it." .... and with those words my life came tumbling down around me.

We did get to hold her before they took her away and we have lots of pictures of her as well. I'll never forget how she smelled, her dark hair, her pouty lips or her tiny hands and feet. But it rips my heart out to know that I never saw her eyes, I never heard her cry and that I'll never get to see her smile and laugh. I want to believe that she's in heaven and that I'll see her again someday - when I think of her in heaven, strangely, I don't think of her as a baby, I see her as a bouncy, lively 5-year-old with long dark pigtails running around skipping and playing hike-and-seek.

Because I can't put up any pictures of her around our home, I have resorted to calla lillies - I have calla lillies everywhere and I think of my sweet girl everytime I see them. You can't help but ask "why did this happen to me" and "what could I have done to save her". You relive the day you lost your baby over and over in your mind. I am envious of new mothers and their babies, even my closest friends. It isn't fair - that they get to hold their babies every day and all I have is a headstone.

Leaving the hospital without my baby girl was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. The funeral service was difficult, but I had steeled myself so much just to get through the day that I felt numb during the entire service, as did my husband. People cried hysterically around us and we just sat there looking at each other - not crying, not seeing, not feeling, just waiting for the day to be over, when everyone would go back to their regular lives and leave my husband and I alone with our grief.

It's been 3 months now and while the support of our friends and family has been overwhelming, it's hard for them to understand or to know what to say ..... time heals all wounds ..... everything happens for a reason ..... you're young, you'll be able to have another baby .... Even though such words are spoken with the best of intentions, they do absolutely nothing to ease my pain and serve only to make me more angry. We are already trying to conceive again and are hopeful that we'll be pregnant again soon and that every thing will work out the second time around - I now think of the moment when her little brother or sister is old enough to understand and I tell them about their big sister Calla and how much we love and miss her. Until then, I keep what little memories I have of my baby girl close to my heart so that I don't lose them too.

Amy