Post your Story

Cielina

Cielina Elizabeth Ryan Hazen....we already picked the name.
We were looking for a bigger apartment.
We playfully fought over the spelling of her name...I wanted Cielina he wanted Ceilina. He said it looked prettier in cursiv writing.
Iv had 7 miscarriages before this one.
I never knew i was pregnant with the others.
My partner Is an alcoholic...He was to drunk to go to the hospital with me when the bleeding got worse. He worked at the hospital and he was the one to always take care of me and Cielina when we came in with complications.
19 YRS old and i did it alone cause he was to drunk to be with me.
I have no parents...
I have no close friends...
I only had me....I was losing the only person that would have loved me unconditionaly.

When i got home he had heard from a friend but never came to the hospital. He didnt grab my arm. He didnt let me cry, He blames me. He wanted me to move out. this was october 21st. Im still bleeding and the pain is unbearable. I have nobody to tell my story to and im grateful for this right now. The pain wont stop. Its unlike any other. "not meant to be" just dont cut it for me.... I needed this baby. I needed to love the right person.....

Valencia

Grief

Our son George was stillborn on October 20th 2008 at 20 weeks 5 days. I know that "technically" this is a miscarriage but after going through labour and holding that tiny beautiful perfect baby it somehow seems a totally inadequate term.


Grief is a strange companion. It's not really welcome but along with my physical pain it is a strange continuing link to the tiny life that we have lost. I'm not hanging on to my pain, believe me, I want it gone! I'm simply telling you how it is.

It is a raw wound only a week old.

On saturday I left the house on for the first time since leaving the hospital and I wanted the world to have stopped; to have taken a grand pause with us but of course it hadn't. It was bustling along as normal. My partner Ray felt it even more acutely when he went out on his own a few days earlier.

It reminded me of the W H Auden poem, "Stop all the clocks". How can normal life go on in the world after an event of this magnitude?

We deal with our grief in different ways. I held our baby and I have photographs and a card with hand and footprints. Ray saw George when he was born but doesn't feel the need to see him again nor look at the photographs. That's his way. With me sadness sweeps over me and tears just flow at odd times, my brother sent me a lovely card; I fit into my jeans again on Saturday. For Ray there's a feeling of flatness and depression, little things make him well up such as a silly advert. Fortunately we can and do talk long and late about how we are feeling and we hold each other up in the bleak moments. This has brought us even closer together if that is possible and I feel incredibly lucky to have this extraordinary love in my life. Sometimes there aren't enough words to express it.

I know that everything each of us is feeling is normal and natural. Grief is an unwelcome guest but fortunately not one that stays forever although, we will always carry the memory of our perfect tiny baby made with love. As for the future. I am going to get myself better physically and then we are going to try to get pregnant again. We have so much love that it would be a crime not to share it!

On Saturday we are going to collect our son George from the hospital and bury him in a peaceful pretty natural place. This poem kind of sort of explains my beliefs about death and beyond. We are all stardust.


We Two—How Long We were Fool’d
Walt Whitman. Leaves of Grass.


WE two—how long we were fool’d!
Now transmuted, we swiftly escape, as Nature escapes;
We are Nature—long have we been absent, but now we return;
We become plants, leaves, foliage, roots, bark;
We are bedded in the ground—we are rocks;
We are oaks—we grow in the openings side by side;
We browse—we are two among the wild herds, spontaneous as any;
We are two fishes swimming in the sea together;
We are what the locust blossoms are—we drop scent around the lanes, mornings and evenings;
We are also the coarse smut of beasts, vegetables, minerals;
We are two predatory hawks—we soar above, and look down;
We are two resplendent suns—we it is who balance ourselves, orbic and stellar—we are as two comets;
We prowl fang’d and four-footed in the woods—we spring on prey;
We are two clouds, forenoons and afternoons, driving overhead;
We are seas mingling—we are two of those cheerful waves, rolling over each other, and interwetting each other;
We are what the atmosphere is, transparent, receptive, pervious, impervious:
We are snow, rain, cold, darkness—we are each product and influence of the globe;
We have circled and circled till we have arrived home again—we two have;
We have voided all but freedom, and all but our own joy.



W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Barbara

my story

Well this is really hard for me to talk about. I have 1 child a wonderful daughter who is 8. I'm am 24 years old and have suffered through 4 micarriges, all of which were hard but some harder than others. The first came just a few months after my daughter was born. Her biological father and I were trying to work things out but were technically not together at the time. I cried alot, even though I was 16 and already raising an infant, it was extremely difficult. The second was just as hard. The relationship that I was in at the time also wasn't working, but I believe that he wouldv'e been a wonderful father. The last two have been the hardest. There were no signs of pregnancy, none whatsoever, for several months, I even had almost normal periods, but they were never that normal , so I suspected nothing. By the time I found out that I was pregnant, I was around 3 to 4 months. Far enough to feel the flutters, you know. Then suddenly one evening my fiance and I had an argument, things got outta control, and I lost the baby. My fiance promised to change and he has made great improvements. The last time was only 8 weeks ago. I knew I was pregnant, even though once again, no signs of it. But I knew. I was about 3 months when we found out for sure. We really wanted this baby. But I was at work, and I started feeling dizzy and cramping, and I knew. I left work, went home, I wasn't gonna even bother with the e.r. this time, I felt that there was no need. But the pain was different, so i went. The drs were really concerned about an ectopic pregnancy because of my symptoms, but it turned out to be a normal miscarrige. I was devastated. And now here I am 4 weeks pregnant again. I'm still having periods. The drs are even having a hard time of it. Apparently my hormones are outta wack. Somedays i might show pregnant on a urine test other days I don't. My hormone levels jump up and down. So now I'm supposed to have complete bed rest, and hopefully things will even out on there own. The drs. aren't hopeful. They wanted me to end the pregnancy, but I can't do that. I at least have to give the baby a chance. So everyone out there pray for us. I'll be praying for you.

dominique

A devastating feeling..

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 9 months now. We had always talked about what would happen if I got pregnant, and how we would handle it. I didn't think it was going to happen to me..but sure enough it did. I went to the doctors for something completly different, and they said I was approximatly 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Being only 18, I didn't know what to do, and was an emotional wreck. Let me just add too, that I had just graduated highschool, and started a full-time job..I was just getting my life on track.

An abortion never crossed my mind because, I don't believe in them, and I am a person who believes that life begins at conception. I obviously don't have the heart to kill someone, let alone my own child. So that was that, we decided to keep the baby, and we told our parents the next day. They were ok with it, and his mom had even started planning things for the future. Where the baby was going to live, the baby shower, stuff for the baby, it was just such a great feeling to know that I had people there for me.

I was so excited at this point, I had a good job and so did he, he had his own place, and everything was going to work out perfect. I went through hell to get insurance, and to find a doctor who accepted my insurance. When I saw the ultrasound, and the heartbeat, I fell in love. I was the happiest person ever, and found it was the best feeling to know that I was going to be a mother, and I had this little baby growing inside me. I did everything right, I wanted my baby to be healthy.

I guess that wasn't enough. About a month later, I woke up and just knew what was happening. I was losing my baby. I went to the doctors and they confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. It bothered me so much because just 2 days before that, the doctors told me the baby was perfectly healthy. I instantly broke down, and was sent to the hospital.

For days I didn't believe it was true, once again I thought it couldn't happen to me. I became so emotional and depressed, I had quit my job, and isolated most people out of my life. My boyfriend of course was there for me, but didn't show emotion towards the fact that we had just lost our child. It killed me, because I was so upset, and he didn't seem to care.

The day of my D&C, I knew it was final. I was no longer going to be pregnant, and even being so young, I couldn't stand the thought of that.

Its only been a week since I found out I lost the baby..and it seems like just yesterday I was sitting on the couch holding my belly, knowing I would be a great mother, and love this baby with everything I had.

Losing a baby, no matter how young, or how far along you are in your pregnancy is a heartbreaking experience. I would never wish this on someone, not even my worst enemy.

A lot of people say "you're so young, you have time, you're not the only one who goes through this". But I don't care, that was MY baby. And nothing anyone says is going to change my mind about how I feel about this.

For all those who are lucky enough to carry out the pregnancies, and have a healthy baby, please cherish it to the fullest. No matter your age, if it was meant to happen, or if it wasn't meant to happen. Don't take your chance at being a mommy for granted, because it can be gone in a second.

I love my baby, even though he or she cannot be here with me. I'll never forget what I went through, and the excitement of pregnancy.

RIP, Our Angel Baby<3

dominique

My Little Angel

I found out I was pregnant in April of 2008. At first I was scared and it was not planned...but as time went on I became more excited...the baby was moving, and at our last doctor's appointment we found out it was a boy. My boyfriend was so excited and so was I, I had a feeling that he was going to be a boy...we had picked out a name for him, Owen Raymond Michael Parnell.Then one day while I was at clinicals I became light headed and passed out, I did not fall but it really scared me. Later that day I went to my doctor's office and the baby was fine, and they said it was normal to become light headed during pregnancy. On Sunday the baby was moving a lot and me and my boyfriend enjoyed every minute of it...that was the last day I felt him move. Two days go by before I went to the doctor I thought maybe he was just sleeping or being quite....but something was extremely wrong...the nurse couldn't find his heartbeat with doppler then the Doctor came in and couldn't find it...so we went to the ultrasound room...as soon as they started I knew I had lost him...at 24 weeks pregnant I found out that my son had died....later that evening I was admitted to the hospital to have him...at 2:30AM I had my precious little boy...he was so beautiful I wanted to hold him forever. He was 1 lb. 6oz and 12 inches long. He looked just like his daddy with my dimple. I will never forget that night...We had a graveside service at my boyfriends church 3 days later. The doctors said that everything looked normal, no defects, no placental abruption, nothing. Its hard not knowing what happened to my son, and could this happen again if I decide to have children later on.I know that my son is watching over us and that he is in a better place, but I wanted him so much, to watch him grow up, play sports and be just like his father. I wanted to be there for him, I wanted to take care of him, and I wanted the chance to be a mother to my child. Without my family and my boyfriend and his family I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have the support they had given me during this.This was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life...I just hope that with time I'll be at peace with what happened to my son.

Samantha