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My Little Angel

I am writing to tell you my story I have a wonderful little girl, that is getting ready to turn 2 this month. Seven months ago on February 11,2007, I found out that I was pregnant with my 3rd child. (The first baby I lost due to miscarriage when I was 19). All I ever wanted my whole life was to have children of my own, so when I found out that I was pregnant with my little girl, Hannah at the age of 26, I was overjoyed, but a little worried because of my first miscarriage. But everything went perfect with my second pregnancy, and my daughter is a healthy little girl, considering I have diabetes.

I had done a pregnancy test on January 19,2007, and got a positive result, and I was happy and went to buy another to retest, just to be sure. So when I went to retest, that one was negative, and so I figured that I wasn't pregnant after all. So on Feb. 2007 I started to get awful pains on my right side that would not go away but just got worse. Then I started to feel dizzy, like I was going to pass out. We drove my daughter to her grandma's house thinking that we would be back to get her shortly, since I had decided to go to the emergency room just to be sure everything was fine. (By the way I had been spotting for 2 weeks).

When we got to the hospital they did blood work, only to find that I was indeed pregnant. But when they told my husband and I, we were both in shock. Shawn was happy, but I couldn't bring myself to be, because I felt that something was wrong. They did an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't ectopic, but soon found out it was, and that one of my tubes had ruptured very badly, and had to be removed via emergency surgery. They had me in surgery within an hour. It was very hard for me to face the fact that they were going to take my baby away from me like that. I never even had the chance to say goodbye, because it all happened so fast. I wanted so much to have my baby, to hold in my arms, and to cuddle with. And even though it has been 7 months, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. (I am an emotional person anyway).

I spent three days in the hospital recovering, and thinking about my baby, that I missed so-so much. You just don't know what it's like until you have to go through it. My husband seemed to get over it right away, and to this day, tells me just to stop thinking about it and move on. But I can’t!! I think about my baby all the time, and this is very hard on me. A friend of mine is getting ready to have a baby in a couple of months, and it is very hard on me. But I am so happy for her. I would be getting ready to have my baby in just a few more weeks, and the closer it gets, the more it hurts. I just hope that one day I will be able to put this all behind me and move on. I am hoping that I will be able to have more children with just one tube left. My doctor doesn't think that I will have any problems getting pregnant again, which does bring me hope to the future, and so does reading other woman’s success stories. Thanks for taking the time to read my story, and god bless each woman out there that have had experienced a pregnancy loss. Have hope for the future!!!


heather

Why us?

My fiancé and I had been trying to have a child for a year with no luck. I decided to go to get tested. And it turned out that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome and that I was not ovulating. My doctor suggested that I take Clomid to ovulate. Before they gave me the medicine they tested my fiancé’s sperm, which turned out bad. He had a low count and bad motility. We were devastated that we both had problems. About 8 months later my doctor asked me if I wanted to try the Clomid anyway just to see if I could ovulate. My fiancé needed surgery to correct his problem first but we decided to try the medicine anyway.

On May 22, 2007 after only 2 doses we found out we were pregnant. We were so happy. We told everyone. Our parents had both bought us a lot of baby stuff and we had picked out names. On July 3, 2007 the day before my birthday we went for our first ultrasound. I was 12 weeks pregnant. Our baby had no heartbeat. After trying for so long I couldn’t understand why this was happening. I had no symptoms of a miscarriage. I was so angry. The next day my birthday, July 4 2007, I had a d and c. I have never felt so horrible in my entire life. I still do not feel the way I used but things are getting better. I think about the baby every day. We just started taking Clomid again and I am trying to keep up my hopes but it is hard. I just want everyone to know that you need to have a positive attitude and keep trying!


Emily

I Suffered a Miscarriage 2weeks Ago

On the 9th of August 2007 I was 14 weeks pregnant when I lost my baby. I feel really empty inside and still find it hard. People keep saying that I must forget and move on and I can’t.
I held my baby in the palm of my hand I can’t forget that.

I really want to try for another baby, as I have wanted one for a while now. My husband wants to leave it for another month. But people keep saying to us to leave it for 5mths and "you’ll be ok". They don’t know what it is like to loose a baby at 14 weeks.


leanne

My Loss

I was 17 weeks when I lost my baby just a couple of weeks ago. I feel like a part of me has gone. I'm upset but don’t show it in front of my partner, who doesn’t seem to understand how I feel. He keeps telling me we will have another but I wanted this one. Now all I think about is making the next baby. But I will never forget the first.

jessica

Doesn't seem fair...

I really thought I wasn't ready for a third child and I ended up taking a pregnancy with dread. But soon after I took it (about.000015 seconds!!) I was filled with excitement. I came out of the bathroom and gave my husband a hug and immediately started crying. I called my mom, my grandma...I told my neighbors and other friends.

That night, my husband and I went out to celebrate our pregnancy at Outback. He had a glass of wine and I had a delicious raspberry lemonade smoothie (No alcohol, of course!!) During our dinner date, I started cramping. I cramped with my son and my daughter, so I just figured it was all hitting me at once and maybe I hadn't allowed myself to believe I was pregnant, so I ignored the symptoms. Now that I knew, one hundred percent, the symptoms were just more obvious. After dinner, I got into the truck and started to feel really terrible. The cramping spread all the way around my hips and thighs and then up into my back.I kept thinking (without saying anything to my husband) "We've already named her! I can't lose her now!"

Rita Magdalene Rodriguez Minzes, after my husband's late mother.
I got home and just to calm my fears, I went to the bathroom, expecting to find nothing, and perhaps all that pain had only been in my head. Instead of confirming that nothing was wrong, I discovered that I was bleeding terribly. And I hurt sooo bad. I kept saying "Please don't be gone, please don't!" I had never experienced a miscarriage before and I was terrified, thinking, "What if I hemorrhage, what if I just lie down and die right here in the bathroom?" (There was that much blood!)

I ran over to my neighbor's house, who had watched the kids while my husband and I went out, where my husband was and as soon as I got inside I said, "We need to go to the hospital."

We went to Johnston Memorial, where they completely ignored my complaint. Then, they made me wait about two hours before finally taking my blood pressure. At this point, I was in so much pain I couldn't stand. I sat down in a wheel chair and THAT was taken away from me. I told my husband to take me home.

A few hours later, when nothing had eased and I was still in a lot of pain, my husband decided to take me to another hospital in Raleigh, but I was so tired that I refused to go at first. Then he literally carried me outside to the truck.

We got to the Wake Med hospital and a nurse immediately saw me. She held my hand while I told her what was going on. After a urine test to check my hormone levels, it was confirmed that I had lost my baby. (The attention that the hospital gave to me--I had no medical insurance at the time, either-- was so comforting and they kept me informed about everything that was going to happen and what was already happening.)
I couldn't have been more devastated, unless I had lost my two other children. I was twelve weeks along.

The first person I called was my mother. She had a miscarriage and had NO ONE to talk to about it. Her mother had told her that she could try again and that she should see it as a blessing. (My mom already had three kids and my grandmother was the type of woman who thinks children can be seen, but never heard, blah, blah, blah.) A few days later, she gave me a pair of feet, the exact size of my baby's feet at twelve weeks along.
I was so full of anger for the first two weeks. I wanted to smash stuff and I hated my husband for not being able to understand my sense of loss. After that first two weeks, I lost most of my anger and became depressed. I called my doctor at this time, because I was afraid I was slipping into something worse than depression.

She comforted me by telling me that post-partum occurs whether you miscarry, abort, or have a live birth. SO then, I got mad again. I went through the pregnancy and GAVE BIRTH to my child, went through all the symptoms of pregnancy, and I have nothing to hold? I have nothing to wrap up in a soft blanket and nurse! How can God let that happen! There's no baby and it's not fair! I felt cheated because I am a good mother and I really wanted her! After about six weeks, as my hormone levels evened out, I realized I was no longer angry. But I had a terrible sense of loss and I missed her. I'd never met her, I would never hold her, I would never feel the touch of her tiny starfish hands or see her smiling eyes, but I MISSED her so bad.

My mom, my best friend, said that I should consider making something with her name on it and hanging it on the wall. Remember to NEVER forget. That baby had a soul. Don't listen to what people think of how you mourn, how you grieve for your loss and a loss for the world. Do what you need to do to heal. I made a cross-stitched plaque with Rita's name on it and hung it on my wall in my living room. When I need to pray, that's who I pray to. I now know that I have a soul that is already in heaven that can pray for me and her siblings.

We all handle loss in different ways and none of them are the wrong ways. My husband has never brought her up and it seems to me he has forgotten. I know that it can't be true, but the way he handles it was totally different than the way I handled it and I have to respect that, even if I can't accept it.

You all have my deepest sympathies and I wish you the best healing.


Jenny