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angry all the time

My name is Chauntell and I just lost my baby. This feels strange writing to strangers, but I need to get it out. I'm married with a 7 and 2 year old (son and daughter). I found out I was pregnant in April of this year. It was unexpected at the time but I was very happy. I had wanted a 3rd child and thought that this would be a good a time as any.

I was a little nervous because my first child was born with a heart defect. I thought though that my daughter is perfect so I could get lucky again. I was WRONG! I went for a typical check-up at 18 weeks and found out that my precious baby had no heartbeat. I thought no that's not possible; check again. They tried 3 machines and came up with the same conclusion, my baby is dead.

It's been a week already and I'm still so very sad and so angry. As bad as it sounds it's hard to look at my 2 children sometimes because it just reminds me that I've lost this one. I would always think about who this baby would look like because my two children look so much alike.

I feel guilty all of the time. Sometimes I would get upset with my kids and think, "great all I need is another one". I didn't mean it of course but sometimes that's how I felt. Now I realize how much I wanted and now miss this baby.

I hurt because I can't even name this child that grew in my body for 4and a half months. I was gong to find out the sex of the baby tomorrow but my dreams are all dashed to hell!!! I'm so nervous and trying to talk to my husband about trying again but he doesn't want to. I know I need to heal first and it is so soon but I feel so empty.

Whoever reads, thanks for listening, I feel so alone.

chauntell

Loss and Fear

When my husband and I felt we were "ready" to start trying to get pregnant, we had been married 8 years, had worked out the "issues" we had, and felt like maybe we'd be responsible enough to give up sleeping in and being lazy. We actually got pregnant the one month we didn't think we could (due to timing - he was in a different town for training... but I went to visit ;o) ). We were ecstatic. Though there was a nagging thought in the back of my head about "what if" for miscarriages, (they were in my maternal history) all was well and God blessed us with a beautiful, healthy, baby boy.

After he turned 2, we didn't really try, but we didn't do anything to prevent pregnancy... and we got pregnant. The first two times we lost them almost as soon as we found out we were pregnant. The third time we got to 10 weeks. At the first ultrasound the technician asked us if we had an appointment with the doctor as well... so we knew something wasn't right. Unfortunately, my doctor's father died so she had to leave town, and I was forced to deal with a colleague of hers... one with no bedside manner at all, and a clinical statement of "from what I see, you're looking at a miscarriage". So we had another ultrasound 10 days later and the technician said she could see growth from the previous one and she couldn't see any reason for concern. The doctor however, disagreed and told us again we were looking at a miscarriage. (talk about roller coaster of emotion!!!) We decided to wait and see, rather than going with a D&C. That night I started to miscarry. It was the most crushing, devastating, heartbreaking experience I've ever had. Knowing there was nothing anyone could do, knowing we were losing the baby already so precious to us. I went in for numerous tests, and none of the specialists could find anything, and the bloodwork didn't raise any flags. It took us a year to finally try again. I just had my 4th miscarriage. I have heard of a few women go through 9, so I guess if it's really important you just keep trying. But the excitement of discovering you're pregnant coupled with the fear of "will it happen again" is such a roller coaster of emotion I just don't see how people can keep going on. I believe there is a reason for everything, and I try to remember God knows best and remind myself we do have our wonderful 3 year old, so we know it is/was possible... but like many have posted here, it's hard to not think of the babies you've lost.

I want to thank everyone for sharing their story. My heart ached reading them, and many made me cry. It helps to know you're not alone in such loss. Like many of you, I don't want to be around friends/neighbors who are expecting, don't want to hear about all the baby plans or baby showers, but also don't want to share about a miscarriage when a) they can't relate and b) they have every right to be excited over a baby.

Blessings to all and may our hearts be healed.

Jen

young mother

I was fifteen years old, when I got pregnant with my first child.... when I found out I just couldn't wait to tell my boyfriend of almost three years now!! Yeah I was young but I felt I was ready.... I just couldn't wait for my stomach to get big!!

I was five months when I found out that we were having a little girl...I was soo excited!! Everything was going fine through out my whole pregnancy...I didn't smoke drink or do drugs!!.... I did everything I was supposed to do!!.... On November 7th of 2007 I was 37 weeks pregnant and I went in for a normal check up.... I got butterflies because it was three weeks until I was to have her!!....

The nurse asked if I had been feeling her move and I said no.... She said that she would put me on this machine that monitored the baby's heartbeat and I said ok that's fine!!.... When we got into the room she was trying to find the heart beat and she couldn't (I was getting nervous)...so she called the doc in and he did a sonogram...he was quiet the whole time (I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what, I thought that the baby was just in a position to where they couldn't hear it).... then the devastating news came, the doctor told my mom boyfriend and I that she was no longer with us!!!.... I was in shock and I didn't believe it....

On November 9th I gave birth to a 5-pound baby girl! She was soo precious and looked normal and I didn't understand why? We had her cremated...on November 18th we had a memorial service for my little girl!!

And until this very day she sits next to my bed!!.... She will forever be in my heart.... my beautiful baby!!

elizabeth

loss at 6 weeks

I've been with my boyfriend for 4years (both 17years old) now and we found out that in months we would be expecting a baby to arrive. We were so happy; nothing could have turned our smiles up side down. (15.6.07)

Until I started bleeding; it was light and a small clot dropped out. (27.7.07)

I booked a doctors appointment after the bleeding had stopped, but the morning before I left to see the doctor I took a home pregnancy test the test showed a weird positive there was a dark line and then a faded line. Then I went to the doctors and took the same test that showed negative. (2.8.07)

Today is 5.8.07.

I don't know if I could still be pregnant or not. After that pregnancy test the doctor just said you miscarried. Then the appointment was over.

Thank you

Jaydah

why ?

My story starts from November 2006. I was 18 years old and out on the town with my older friends from work and I met this lad who was really nice and we had a great night talking back n forth. Anyway that night I decided to go home with him and one thing led to another.

About a month afterwards I started to feel different and my period was over a week late so I spoke to my older friends who I went out with that night and they told me to do a pregnancy test...even though I was nervous I was so excited when the test came back positive. I just wasn't sure how to tell my parents or the lad in mention, lucikly I had kept in touch with and everything was going fine.

Anyway to cut a long story short in January 07 at eleven weeks pregnant I was at home went I got the familiar feeling of period pain and realised I was bleeding so I ignored it for a couple of hours and then decided to go to the hospital with my cousin.

Whilst there they did a load of tests including another pregnancy test, taken blood and kept me in overnight. Anyway the next day I felt totally better and the bleeding had become very light so they let me home and told me to come back if anything changes...but during the day the bleeding got 10x heavier and I was in so much pain I couldn't even walk so I got myself off to bed early but the pain kept getting worse n worse to the point where I couldn't talk never mind walk so my mum took me to hospital and they did an internal but was in that much pain I'm not sure they finished it. I had to give me an injection painkiller in the top of my leg which to me didn't make no diff at all and the contractions just kept on coming no matter how many pain killers they gave me

The next morning the doctor came round and told me that I had lost my baby which to me was obvious in the first place n told me I could go home.

At first I was like yeah ok I lost a baby so what I didn't really believe it I kept thinking well we'll see they mite be wrong and I mite still be pregnant

I'm 19 now and my due date was 25/7/07 which just recently passed and god its hit me hard...god the pain is unbearable I was soo looking forward to it as well as I work with children and they are my life since I was a young girl myself but none of my friends have miscarried so they don't understand how much the pain hurts n how empty u feel they keep saying they know but they don't

I just want the baby back.


a.j.k