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Looking for Closure

I have been married almost 10 years. I have a son who is nine years old. Last fall my husband asked me to have my IUD removed because he wanted us to have another baby. I wanted a baby too.

At 35 years old, the whole idea sounded crazy, but we were really excited. So, for the first few months I was in hyper mode, trying to plan the time I was most fertile, etc. After being disappointed by the arrival of my period, I just decided to stop worrying about it. I figured if God wanted us to have a baby, he would work it out. I was stressing myself out from trying too hard.

Last month, it just so happened that my husband and I were intimate during my most fertile time. We weren't even trying. He had been putting in a lot of overtime at work, so I saw him much less and barely got to spend any time alone with him.

Then the week my period was supposed to start, I had some pregnancy symptoms. I felt really tired like I did with my first pregnancy. I was also very nauseated and had very bad heartburn, which I never have normally. My normal PMS type symptoms were also non existent.

I was so excited, but it took me a few days to put together what was happening. I didn't get a pregnancy test right away because I wanted to wait, to avoid the disappointment that I had been experiencing. But in my heart I already knew. I had been pregnant before.

I told my husband and we started planning the future, thinking up names, etc. One evening I started to feel some cramping in my tummy and a dull backache. I tried to tell myself this was just my body adjusting and I tried not to worry about it. But I think deep down I was a little concerned.

That day I had my sister in law take me to the store and I bought two epts. I decided to wait until morning to take it, to get better results.

The next morning I got up to pee and take the test. It was negative. I was so stunned. It is very early in the morning so I go back to bed, discouraged.

A few hours later I was back in the bathroom. This time I found out that I'm bleeding but this is not normal period blood. It had a lot of blood clots in it and was heavier and just different than normal.

The strong pregnancy symptoms I was experiencing have also disappeared as suddenly as they showed up.

At first I think I've started my period but after doing some research I realize that I probably had an early miscarriage.

I continued to pass clots for two days. Every time I went to the bathroom, my heart hurt. I just kept thinking, I'm flushing my baby away.

It's been almost a month now and I thought I was doing okay but every now and then I have this overwhelming sadness come over me. I want to be okay, but I'm not.

I am a Christian and I'm relying on the Lord to carry me through this time. I have had a lot of people praying for me, even though they do not understand what I am going through. I'm not even sure I understand it myself.

But I'm praying that the Lord will watch over my little baby until I get to heaven someday to meet her. I think she is a girl. We would have been so excited to have had her. We really wanted a girl. But I will get to meet her someday.

Loss at 11.6 weeks

Hi, Im a mommy of one adorable 21 month year old, and have been marrried for 6 years. Our attempts to give our son a baby brother or sister were thwarted earlier this year, when I suffered a spontaneous miscarriage at 11.6 weeks. We were hoping for a girl this time.

I can't even begin to say how this happened. I came home on Friday, Jan 4, had some lunch and suddenly felt feverish and like I needed to go to the bathroom. I started bleeding right away, dark stains with many, many clots. I was so scared. I put on a maxipad and called my husband at work. I called my OG and my husband called a young friend who is also an OG. He came and using a portable ultrasound confirmed my worst fears. At so early in the process there was no fetal tissue, just an empty sac. The bleeding continued all evening but was nothing to speak of. I still was hoping that maybe we were wrong. I called my OG's office. Was it before the ultrasound? I dont remember. His new male assistant answered & told me that my doctor was not in office. I told him I had an emergency and that it was urgent that I needed to speak with him. He went away for a few seconds, then returned to say ask me what was the problem. Did he even ask me that? I don't even remember. In Jamaica its common practice for OG's to not give you a cell or pager number and to say "in case of an emergency, go to the hospital and the hospital will inform me." I find that incredibly impersonal. How can I as a woman tell my deepest most horrible revelation to a complete stranger. Should I just walk up to the reception desk and say "Hello, I'm Dahlia and I'm losing my baby" Anyway, I never got to speak with him that day and he never called me. He probably never got the message.

I made a regular appointment to see him the next day and waited over 2 hours with all his patients, pregnant and otherwise until he could see me. When I told him how I was miscarrying and that I tried to get in touch with him I could see he was sorry. He prescribed a three day course of Methergin and sent me home. By then the pain and cramping had begun. I took the Methergin right away and the pains got so intense. The bleeding also sped right up and I passed some huge clots, I'm guessing all the placenta and sac etc...I tried to lie down just to make it pass, but the cramps were so intensely sharp they were making me delirious. I took some of the painkillers our friend had so kindly prescribed, but they never helped.

I didn't want our infant son to see me in such pain so I hid in another bedroom.. By now it was nighttime and my poor husband was doing everything to try to help me. Wave after wave of terrible cramps came. I cried and prayed for some relief. He called our friend again who prescribed cataflam this time. It was as effective as a sweet. He told me not to take anymore of that Methergin and to let my body just expel the tissues naturally. It was the worst night of my life. Finally at around 2AM I got some sleep. On Monday I went back to my OG. I explained my terrible experience with the Methergin. I told him I was afraid of taking anymore and asked if I could just let nature take its course with this miscarriage. He told me that I looked like I WANTED to spend some money with him, i.e. pay him to do a D&C and then told me that I was being ridiculous. I begged him not to recommend that I finish the course of Methergin. He said "If I had a camera I would film you right now and in a year or so we would look at it and have a good laugh" He then refused to treat me unless I finished the course of Methergin and got up from his chair, indicating the consultation was over. I was so hurt and angry.

I felt like as a woman I have no say over my own body. Didn't I have any rights? I broke down in the car & called my husband. I did my crying in the car because I didn't want my baby to see me like that. I was shaking at the thought of taking those tablets again, because I believed they were responsible for my pain. When I got home I mixed a stiff drink and washed the methergin down with it, even though I'm not a drinker. I waited. Nothing happened. Some more bleeding, some more spotting, but no more pain. I finished the course, but decided that I needed to have a new OG.

Oddly enough, losing my baby gave me the strength to leave my OG whose impersonal and abrupt style had upset me on more than one occasion, but this was the last straw. Some more prodding from a friend and I found a new doctor, walking distance from my office. He had a much better bedside manner and was very very gentle. I eventually needed to have the D&C done and this new doctor did the procedure for me on Jan 18. Ironically, it was the same day that my sister-in-law gave birth to her second child. After the procedure I went to visit her in hospital. My sister was also pregnant at the time and she also gave birth on February 12th. My best friend at the ofiice is due anytime now. It has been extremely hard for me to be surrounded by so many pregnant women in my life and newborn babies. But I'm afraid to show that because I know it will be misconstrued as envy, or ill will. I once tried sharing with my sister how I felt. I said "Sometimes I ask, why me?" She responded by asking me if I would have preferred if her or my sister-in-law had lost their babies instead. I would never want that, nor would I even think that.

It has been one of the most difficult roads I have ever walked, and I would never wish that on anybody. My husband and I still want to have a second child, and we are trying. We got the go-ahead about 4 weeks after the D&C was done. With God's grace, maybe this year. This miscarriage blind-sided us though. You think that having had one successful pregnancy that you are somehow immune to that kind of thing. I have no prior adverse gynaecological or endocrine history, so I have no idea what could have contibuted to this. For a while I questioned myself. What did I do wrong? What medications did I take?, Is it because I'm still breastfeeding my son? I had a thousand questions and some theories too. My new doctor assured me that it was just a fluke. A one-time occurence, probably never to repeat itself again. Its the "probably" I'm afraid of. But I can't live my life afraid of my own shadow. I have lost too many hours to sadness already in my life so Im cautiously optimistic about the future. A plus-sign on a pregnancy test this month would make me happy, even though I'll wait till 11.7 weeks to smile. My mottos for my life since this loss are "Thy will be done cause I'm done", and "Let go and let God". We'll see.

My advice to anyone going through this is take time with yourself. It helped a lot having my son to take care of, who needs Mommy to be whole and present in his life. It pushed me to get past this. Gobble up all the information that you can and read. Arm yourself with knowledge about people who have gone through the same thing. I found it strangely comforting to read similar stories. Feel free to grieve for no matter how long it takes, and take care of yourself. Sometimes comfort can only come from within, and the people around you may love you but may not know the appropriate things to say. Losing a baby changes you forever, but you will feel better as time goes by. I wish us all hope and a little baby dust.

finding hope and faith

hello everyone, I am new to this site but after reading all your stories I have some comfort. I am 27 years old, and am married with 2 kids. This was my first miscarriage, I lost my baby on 3/12/08. It has been very hard but praying and reading the stories from everyone makes me feel less alone. I pray for every one to find peace with god .

christina

Vacation???

I was 16 weeks pregnant with two normal ultrasounds and a strong heartbeat at the doctors office at 15 weeks.

My husband and I were so excited to go on a quick 4 day cruise together before the baby arrived - our 3 yr old was staying with his grandparents. While on the cruise I started experiencing abdominal pain, then started vomiting and had a low grade fever. The waters were horribly rough (50ft swells) and we had a strong head wind. This would ultimately delay our arrival in port by about 4 hours.

My water broke in the middle of the Pacific and contractions continued for about two hours. 15 hours later we arrived in port and my husband drove me to the nearest emergency room. Shortly after we arrived they sent me to ultrasound-alone. I am not sure why my husband was forced to wait outside. I stared at the ultrasound and noticed no heartbeat and no blood flow to the baby. I had expected that this was the case, but I was not at all prepared.

About 5 minutes after the ultrasound they sent me to the bathroom in the ER hallway to clean up because I was still bleeding. I sat on the toilet (by myself) and felt something large pass. I thought it was a large clot and looked down- only to see my baby. I screamed. There was no nurse call button. All I could do was pound on the door and scream for my husband.

The worst part, the part that I will never forget, was when the nurse asked me to stand up so that she could recover the baby from the toilet and the toilet automatically flushed. I fell into my husband's arms and cried. It was not her fault. None of us expected it to happen, but it was devastating. Just as they were ready to discharge me, I developed chills and spiked a temp of 102.8. I was hospitalized for three days to treat an e. coli infection. This is what my doctors think caused the loss.

And now I sit in my kitchen, trying to find a way to get back to normal. My husband is a surgical resident and had to go back to work immediately. I am taking some time from my job mainly because I am a drug rep and work primarily in peds offices. I can't bare the thought of going back. I am so angry with every new mother and pregnant woman that I see and so sad for those friends and relatives who I now know lost their own babies and never spoke of it.

In some ways I wish we hadn't told so many people the week before this all happened. I hate to face all those sad "understanding" faces everyday. However, I can't imagine going through this without any support. There are days when everything has felt pretty normal and then the next day something will set me off and I will just want to cry.

I have also discovered all of the horrible things I must have said and thought when a friend or family member went through any illness or crisis. People say the worst things, usually with the best intentions. I don't want to hear that it was meant to be or that we will have another or that God has a bigger plan. I don't want flowers or cards, emails or phone calls. I just want to be 18 weeks pregnant. I think the Beatles said it best- "How I long for yesterday!"

Kari

Devastated

I don't even know where to start because I still can't get past one day, one hour, or one minute without breaking down. My son was born on March 16th at only 17 1/2 weeks. I had been bleeding for 5 weeks prior and my first child was miscarried at 13 weeks. Twins.....went from two, to one and now to nothing! I suffered from placenta abruption after my first twin passed and from there life went downhill. Bleeding and pain became a part of my daily life. I don't know how to go on even though I have two other little girls at home who need me. I suffered my first miscarriage in February 1998 at 7 weeks 1 day but that was nothing in comparison to what I am dealing with now. I feel like I am puching my whole family away. I am drowning in my guilt of wondering what I did wrong......Some one help me before I drown in my own tears!

Kari