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Hope after loss

I have just found out that I am pregnant again! It's all I've dreamt of since I lost my baby at 15 wks last summer. At 11 wks I was just settling into my pregnancy when I felt a gush and when I checked it was brown blood. The shock sent me to the doc's.

I had a scan a few days later and the baby was fine and there was no explanation for the brown spotting that was still happening. The next four weeks were a worry with bleeding on and off and then one night the blood began to flow very heavily and I had to go to the A&E.

The next morning a scan showed the baby still ok but there were two blood clots on either side of the placenta, so I was told to take it easy and that I would be given weekly scans to monitor the situation. I couldn't believe the baby was still alive! A couple of days later I started to get cramps that I thought were a water infection.

I waited all weekend and called into the antenatal on the Monday morning as I still was having the cramps. They scanned me again and the baby had no heartbeat. I was so shocked and couldn't believe it was all over. The whole stage of events is soul destroying. I then had to walk through the antenatal clinic past all the other mothers to be and onto the ward. With the help of inducing drugs I finally miscarried on Thursday 28th July.

After my hormones settled down I could only think about getting pregnant but month after month nothing. After 8 months of trying I find myself pregnant again which is what I wanted, but now I'm so worried and anxious that the same thing will happen again; and what if it happens later in the pregnancy?

I know fate has a lot to do with it and I'll get through whatever, but it's when you don't really know why these things happen it's hard to move on and know that this time will be better!

It's good to know I'm not alone and I am so sorry for all of your losses. We live in hope!


Trina

Tiny Eva, my Angel Baby

My husband and I have two beautiful children already, a boy and a girl. In October of 2006, we learned that we were pregnant, about 6 weeks. We were a bit freaked out at first, because we only planned for two. We were protected this time around. I'm more freaked out, because it means another c-section.

A week passes, and I'm getting not just used to the idea of another baby, but excited. We start planning how to rework the budget, when to buy the few baby things we need, etc. At my 10-week appointment, all seems well, we can't hear the heartbeat with the little in-office Doppler, but that's normal for 10 weeks. We wait.

At 14 weeks, we still can't hear the heartbeat via Doppler, but my doctor says it's fairly normal still, as I have a little big of pudge on my tummy where he's using the Doppler. Come back in two weeks. At 16 weeks, we hear the heartbeat, 142 beats-per-minute, strong and wonderful. He sets up my appointment for my ultrasound, at 21 weeks, and my next appointment for the day before the ultrasound.

At 21 weeks, I go for my check up, and once again we can't find the heartbeat with the Doppler. He tells me not to worry, and calls over to the hospital to move my ultrasound up to that same day. We go over to the hospital for the ultrasound. I have an inkling that it's a girl, have had for about 2 weeks. I lie on the table and the tech moves the wand around on my stomach, not talking. He doesn't turn on the sound, nor does he turn the monitor to face me. My worries increase about tenfold.

He finally looks up at me and says, "I'm sorry, I'm finding no heartbeat, no movement". He calls my nurse and notifies her, and I'm sent back to my doctor’s office. My doctor hugs me and apologizes over and over, while the tears course down my face. He seems almost as devastated as I am; he delivered both my son and daughter. We agree that I'll go into the hospital 2 hours from then and be induced.

I was induced at 6 pm on January 8, 2007, and around noon on January 9th, Eva was out. She was 6 inches, crown-to-rump, and weighed 1.6 ounces. She was perfectly formed; fingers and toes, facial features, ears, even her little girl parts...she was just so tiny. She was termed a stillbirth.

Two weeks later we got the results of all the tests ordered done on her. She stopped growing about 15 weeks, but continued developing. Her heart finally stopped at right about 20 weeks, it had gotten too large for her tiny chest. They could not find any genetic, chromosomal, or other reason this happened. I did everything I was supposed to, and nothing I wasn't.

We fully intend to try again, when the pain from losing Eva isn't quite so new. I'm just so afraid to tell anyone about being pregnant in the future, I don't want to have to break the tragic news to everyone I know all over again.


Cameo

Empty Feeling

When I read the other stories I felt that I could totally identify with the other women that had gone through what I had.

Not only do you feel the physical pain but the emotional pain of loosing your baby! And that emotional pain is a pain that just doesn't go away; it haunts you! You feel as though you're in this dark cloud... that this really can't be happening to you!

I was so angry and I felt like it was my fault. It wasn't! I had a natural miscarriage at 12 weeks. I was like every other woman who holds her breath until after the first trimester. We didn't know we lost our baby until almost 3 weeks after he stopped growing. We named him Ben.

I keep wondering how I could love him so much and I never even knew him but I do! It's so important to stick close to your friends and family! My relationship with God wasn't so great before this happened but during I really had to ask Him for strength and help to let Ben go.

It was hard and I still think about Ben but I have Hope for the future! God wants to give us healthy and happy Babies!


Cindy

I should have had my baby this month...

I'm 19 weeks pregnant and last August I lost my baby at 12 weeks... This month I should have had my baby.... A baby who was not meant to be... It's been a very difficult time.... I thought I was going to lose my mind.... Nothing I was doing was helping....

I kept on thinking about my little angel gone forever.... I just couldn't cope with the pain.... it was never leaving me... it had become like my shadow... Things at home were not easy: every little thing was a good excuse to have a fight with my husband.... why wasn't he talking about our baby with me?

Then I finally got to a stage I couldn't go on like that anymore.... everyone was suffering but mainly my two children.... I had to stop crying for what I couldn't have back... I had to turn the page... Things started to improve and then one day I felt strange.... I felt different.... my period pain started and faded suddenly and then nothing...

I did a test.... and I was pregnant again.... I couldn't believe it.... I was happy but so scared at the same time.... The weeks before my first scan have been a nightmare.... but finally the scan day arrived.... there I was on the bed waiting for the scan... but I couldn't relax or look properly at the screen... the memory of what had happened the previous time (when I was told there was no heart beating) was stuck in my mind...

But this baby's heart was beating !!!!!! And he looked perfectly healthy... I'm now waiting for my second scan.... and It's the time I should have given birth to my little angel... strange life, isn’t it? I've been thinking about him a lot these days... I will always remember that life that was not meant to be.... the memory will always be with me but I've got to keep on looking forward now... I owe it to this new life I have inside me....

I can't be sad anymore.... I love this baby as much as I loved the one I lost.... but I have to look ahead of me.... and try to be a strong person for this new miracle Jesus has given me again.


Gabriella

my little angel

This would have been my second baby. My husband and I found out we were pregnant October of 2006. Everything was going well and we even told my 3-year-old daughter that she would be having a sibling. She was very excited.

Everything was going well up until 11 weeks. I started spotting. We went to the Hospital and we saw the baby. He/she had all her limbs, fingers toes. I was told that it's normal to spot a little and we were sent home. At 13 weeks, I went for my first ultrasound and I was told that I could have 10 babies like this one. I explained that I was still spotting and my Gyno told me to stay off my feet, hence I had to stop working.

After 3 days, I was seeing more blood and started cramping. I lost the fetus in the toilet. I was rushed to the hospital. It was so devastating. The worst is the way I was treated at the hospital. They had to do a D&C and it was my first time. I was told that either they would put me to sleep or will be given local anesthetic. Guess what? I was given neither.

It was so traumatizing for me that I decided I will not have any more babies. I couldn't grieve for my loss because I was having nightmares of that night at the hospital. 3 months later, I am starting to feel empty and afraid of getting pregnant and the same thing happens.

My husband and I feel very lost. Maybe one day we'll get the courage to try again but for now, we are not ready.


Irene