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It's My Child and Complicated

Almost 30 years ago, I was a 16 yr old pregnant teen. As soon as my then boyfriend found out I was pregnant --he became invisible in my life. Of course he did the normal thing a young man does when he feels trapped-- he said the child wasn't his and that its my problem and that he wants nothing to do with this. He even gave me money for an abortion. He stopped taking my calls and he refused to see me. It was (at that time) humiliating enough to become pregnant while under your families roof and even worse to become pregnant without the benefit of marriage. People began to whisper things about me and avoid me in the street. Even at church the church leader told everyone what had happened to me as a cautionary tale. I was so alone and humiliated. Thank God for family... I had a wonderful one...My family was disappointed (of course) in me and yet they supported my decision to keep my child. They supported me financially and did not dictate their opinions upon me.

The pregnancy went very well and life had to move on. That summer on a hot morning I gave birth to a son. He was perfect and I felt that nothing could make my life more complete than that child. My son was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen!

I named him after his father because, I in my youth believed that his father would change his mind and want my child and me.

Since it took a long time for his father to come to the hospital to visit his son I did all the hospital paperwork, but was told by a hospital representative that if the father does not sign the birth certificate application, my child would not be able to have his last name. That's when my family communicated with my ex. My ex eventually came to the hospital to see the child. At the time I believed that he'd come because he finally had come to his senses and because he wanted a life with both of us. I now understand that it was pure curiosity that motivated the visit. He seemed so happy to see me and my son and I was so happy that things were finally getting better.

A month later my child became sick, very sick and was hospitalized and my ex was very supportive and came to be with me and even wanted me back in his life. Finally things seemed like they were going to work out!!! My son finally healed and was released from the hospital and I was with my ex and everything was great--I couldn't have asked for any more. I had even begun to go to stay at his house for weekends with the hope that he's ask me to stay with him.

Over a month or so had passed and I noticed a distancing from my sons father. He wouldn't come home when I was there, he wouldn't call me when he said he would. He didn't want me to come over anymore and worse he wouldn't bring me home. I always had to find a way home alone. What I most noticed was he'd never ever given me money for his child's needs. Finally I went over to his house and I again realized that there was something going on, so I asked him about it. He told me that he was interested in someone else and that he didn't really want a relationship with me. I can't tell you how painful a blow that was to me. So I asked him what he wanted to do about my son. He said he MIGHT have a relationship with MY son, but not with me. I then made a quick decision --I told him that it would be best that he keep himself away from both of us if he plans to come and go in and out of my child life. I would not allow him to confuse my child. I think even in my young mind I knew that it would be a very unstable and confusing relationship. My ex did not deny it --he actually agreed and said good-bye.

Two years later, I still had not received one single cent in child support-- no christmas, birthday gifts -- no calls, letters or visits either. My son was my son!!!

At the time when my son was a little over 2 years old, I was married to an abusive man (I sufffered from Low Self Esteem issues). I though I loved my ex husband because he was very controlling, which at that time, I interpreted, as caring. He liked the idea that my sons father was not in the picture. He insisted on adopting my son and giving my son his name because at the time my son appeared fatherless. I always reserved hope that my sons father would eventually come to his senses about his child and take full responsibility and form a relationship with him.

One afternoon my sons day care called me and told me my son was sick-- I rushed over to see what was going on and found my son was very sick. At the hospital we were told that my son had bacterial menengitis and was placed in critical condition. After a couple of days, we were told to prepare for my son to die because he was not responding to the medication. As difficult as this may sound, I made funeral arrangements for my child. No mother should have to go through that alone. After picking out my sons casket, I called my sons father and told him what was going on-- he told me that he had plans to go bowling that night and his girlfriend was waiting for him outside. WOW!!!

At that moment I knew I was really alone and that my son was my child. I prayed so hard that I probably summoned all of heaven and shook the pearly gates. Two days of constant prayer my son woke up from a deep coma and lived.

My son had to learn to do everything again and it took therapy and time for him to recover. I finally allowed my then husband to adopt my child and give him a last name and a father on his birth certificate. To me that was important. It was not common at that time for children to be without a father on their birth certificate.

I eventually found out that my son had learning disabilities on top of the problems he had after his illness. I spent a lot of time working long hours and two and three jobs because my son needed therapy and help. Still no child support and his biological father didn't even know that my son was adopted.

I eventually divorced my abusive ex husband, and my child kept his name. As a way to keep the abusive disfunction out of my life I made a deal with my ex husband -- I won't make him pay child support and he won't ever come around again. It worked... I have never seen or heard from him again.(That is a good thing!!)

Years later I married a very nice man with whom I'm still with. My son developed a good relationship with my husband and he became a wonderful person. Over the years I made sure my son went to the best schools and had the best therapy for his special needs.

When my son was 13 his father got a case of consciousness and decided to find me and call me to see how things were going. I at that time had never mentioned this man to my son, because I felt it would confuse him. After his call I considered his request to speak with my son and decided that it would be nice to have my son speak with his father, so I arranged for them to chat on the phone. My son spoke with him a couple of times and then his father changed his phone number and communications stopped as suddenly as they had begun.

My son graduated from HS and went on the go to a technical school. He married his JHS sweetheart and then joined the military. He became a father to a beautiful baby boy and his family moved overseas. While overseas my son decided that he wanted to reach out to his "biological father"(as he likes to call it). I supported him completely in that choice although I had reservations about how that would turn out. I felt that my son would have to sort out that relationship for himself. I had no way of finding his father so after trying all the usual sort of finding a person on the internet and old phone numbers and addresses-- I purchased a roundtrip ticket and flew over a thousand miles into the state where this man last lived and went to the last known address. His family still lived there and I spoke with them about my son's father communicating with my son. Weeks after I returned from my trip, I received an email from his wife (the same person who had been waiting for my son's father the day I called to tell him that his son would die). She gave me the phone # and address. I gave it to my son and they began to communicate.

My second grandchild was born and then my son went to war a number of times since then. The communications with his father were sketchy and I thought my son was going to stop all communcations. I begged him to please maintain that communcaiton.

Over the years in the military my son has impressively increased his rank. Most recently my son returned from another tour at war. During his leave he finally met his biological father. Of course his father lied about what happened and misrepresented the truth. he couldn't explain where the financial support went and why he couldn't see my son. I expected that since this man needed a defense. LOL!!!

My son is a smart man and saw through it too... but I suppose his maturity forgave his father for the mistruth so that he can find a common ground and interest to begin a foundation of friendship.

I don't care how much my son's father twists the truth and rewrites history-- my son is still my child and I am very proud to have struggled and suffered to raise him. My son witnessed all these things and knows them. He understands the word sacrifice and the world tired... Although I've done both I now am enjoying th fruits of my labor.

Here is a piece of advice for all you young single mothers--You don't need a man to make you a woman. A mother doesn't need a daddy to make their child complete. No matter how much you struggle to care for your child-- your child deseves to be loved by you and that struggling does not (over time) go unnoticed by your child. Your child will learn and grow with you and you will mature because you must be a parent. Choices will always be difficult and prayer is a must when making those choices. When you make a decision, sleep on it and then put it into action-- never be impulsive or act out of anger. And most important-- although it seems complicated right now and money may be tight and you don't know what's next---your baby is your baby and however complicated things get that is the one thing you must always concern yourself about. Love your child and dedicate time to him or her... It is not about you anymore-- Its about your child...He or she will make you proud!! Strive to live a joyful, peaceful life and learn to forgive the unforgivable, forget the unforgetable and love the unlovable.... May you alway find peace on your parenting journey....

Victoria

My story

My name is amy and im 19 years old im pregnant and scared out my mind. everyday i ask myself why me, but i was told everything happen for a reason. im now looking 4 a job and plan on going to school in the fall for phlebotomy its a one year program i was gone go throw the pregnancy because i saw my life flash before my eyes.i know its going to be hard but im willing and able to go throw it all because god will never put u throw anything u cant handle.......

Amy

gods gift

when i was 18 i went to a university. in the second semester i meet the man of my dreams! after a month of dating we decided to get married. we were married good friday of 2009. two months after we got married i turned 19. i was diagnosed with pcos when i was 16 n was told thee would be no chance for me to have children so when i got kicked off my parents insurance i had no way to get pills. so we were unprotected because i was told that i would never have children and deep down i believed that god would give me a child. 4 months after we got married i was late. we got a test and i took it. after the three long minutes i got a possitive test. 9 months later we had a beautiful healthy little boy. he is 14 months right now and is so smart. he is the apple of mine and his fathers eye! we have been married 2 years and have never been happier and our son has brought more happiness. kudos to you girls who are single mothers. being a teen mom is hard married, together, or single.

emily

Happiness

It all started when I met Peter* July 2010. I was 19, he was 21. We fell instantly in love and we were very happy together.
Unfortunately, in Sept 2010, I had a very traumatising miscarriage. It destroyed myself and Peter, and also our relationship. The pregnancy was not planned but we were very ready to take on this huge responsiblity together.
After the miscarriage, Peter and I turned to partying and going out all the time. Drugs and alcohol became a regular thing. These actions started to have a terrible effect on Peter as he became very aggressive and abusive in many different ways towards me. He began to pressure me to be like him and want what he wanted, such as a family, and a life together. Deep down I knew he was trapping me in guilt and shame, as I didn't know how to grieve for my lost child while trying to take care of him as well.
Peter pushed me to the ground, I felt so weak, I felt like I was unable to leave him.
The last straw was another night out, only this time Peter gave me a lot of drugs. I had never taken so much before, and mentally, didnt know where I was or what was happening around me. Unfortanately, Peter bacame aggressive with me and accused me of cheating on him (which was quite a regular thing for him). He then humiliated me in the middle of the club we were in, ended things with me, and left me there.
I was alone for the rest of the night, genuinly not knowing what was happening. I befriended a group of people and went back to a house party with them.
Fortunately, they were great people and I am still in touch with them. I had a great time with them.
I decided to see this as my way out with Peter and had cut contact with him.
I started to see another guy, who treated me very well. Two weeks into seeing this new guy, i took a pregnancy test, as, for some reason, I had a gut feeling I was pregnant. The test was positive, and I knew the baby was Peters.
I decided to tell the new guy, and my mother that I was pregant. Both were very supportive.
I then told Peter, after a couple of weeks. We have been in touch but he has since been on his drug and alcohol binges and has ended up being verbally abusive to me. He has denied our baby, and has accepted our baby, he has wanted this and unwanted this. He has been up and down so much.
I know he would be there, and he wants this a lot, but its my choice to keep him away. I won't let him hurt my child, in any way.
If he can keep his word and get himself some help, clean up his act and start owning up to his responsiblities, then I will give him the chance to be around my baby.

For other single mothers out there, whether you are in contact with the Father or not, or whatever situation you are in, don't ever give up. It's all about you and your baby now, and no one can take that love you have away, don't even let them try. Your baby is an amazing gift and will change the lives of so many people, for anyone who cant accept that, then put them behind you, they don't deserve to be around you and your amazing child :)

Katie

teenage single mother

When I got aware of the changes about me, like craving for some food that I don't really like to eat before, I immediately bought a pregnancy test kit for 5 times,until I realize that I Am trully pregnant, I wasn't prepared! I'm 19, I am still studying and I still have a lot of plans. I first thought of abortion, but my conscience and my fear of God's curse have let me decide to run away from home, because I know my father could kill me or else. I am now 2 months pregnant, working as a service crew just for temporary. I am receiving some help from my friends, God would answer my prayers when I'm troubled about money or for the rent in a boarding house...I know I still have a lot of days to face, but my baby is my inspiration to survive. and hoping that my baby and I will survive in the end....God I surrender my worries and burdens to you. I am Tired and I am weak, please continue to make me strong...

elvira