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Always in my heart!!!

My story started early this year. In mid January, after pondering many days about going to the doctor, and after missing my period, I headed to the doctor and only to find out that my pregnancy test was positive. I was 21 at the time, but had been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. I was really happy with the news, but scared at the dame time. After thinking and making up our minds my boyfriend and I decided to get married and bring this child to a happy family. We got married on March 8, 2008, and this is when my pain started. The day of the wedding I started having lots of abdominal pain, and about 11 pm, we rushed to the hospital leaving the guest behind. My husband and I were really concerned since I was about 12 weeks pregnant then, but we were already attached to this child. When being in the ER the doctor gave me Morphin for the pain (yes knowing that I was pregnant), and after all the ultrasounds told me that I had a huge 13cm fibroid in my uterus and that was causing the pain. That my baby was fine and the pain was going to continue. When I knew that my baby was fine I felt more relieved, even though I was so angry at the doctors for giving me morphin. Since that day I was in pain almost every day, but in reality I didnt mind because I knew it was worth it, and I loved my baby with all of my heart I didnt care about no pain, I just wanted my baby to be fine. I did rushed to the ER couple of times when I would have severe pain, but they would always tell me the same thing that my baby was fine and that th pain was normal due to the fibroid. I moved on and it wasnt til mothers day on Sunday May 11, that I was already 20 wks pregnant, that after going to dinner with our families, started with pain but this time a different kind of pain, but since it was my first pregnancy I didnt know what a contraction was like. The contractions got stronger and my water bag broke, and when I rushed to the restroom I was bleeding a lot I had never seen so much blood in my life before. The ambulance took me to the hospital and all I remember was that I heard my baby's heart beat and knowing that my baby was fine. The nurse only monitored my baby boy for 5 minutes and told me they wouldnt monitor my baby all night because if my baby was born he wasnt going to make it. I remember that was the longest night of my life I prayed and cried a lot praying to god for my baby to held on and for him to be fine. It wasnt till 4 in the morning that I started having severe contractions, and the nurse told me after checking me that my baby was going to be born. That was the hardest thing to do. I had major contractions, and when the doctor arrived he gave me the instructions, and told me my baby wasnt gonna make it. I had to deliver my baby, and when doing so the nurse told me my baby didnt have a herat beat anymore so I knew I had to push and give birth to a dead baby, and going trough the process was traumatic. When my baby was born he weighted 14 oz, and measured 10 inches. He was a precious little boy that we named Adan. I got to hold him in my arms and had him with me for about 6 hours then they took him away and I was left devastated. We decided to cremate him, and I have his ashes at home. Its been month since that happen and it still hurts like if it was yesterday. I love my little man so much that I can't even imagine going trough the same thing again, so I an scared of even thinking about trying again. Adan will always be in my heart.

Eliana Barrera

Loss

The first time a was pregnant I was about 21. I was very scared at first being a single parent but as soon as I told my family I was so happy. This was going to be one of the best thing to happen to me. I went to the doctor and was able to hear the heart beat. I was so happy. I thought I heard some where at the time that once you heard the heart beat you had nothing to worry about. Was I wrong. At 18 or 19 weeks I went in for the ultra sound that tells if it is a boy or girl. When the nurse did it she said it's a boy but she keep taking pictures. To me it seemed like something was wrong she seemed to be taking to long. She then took us back to the doctor. There the doctor said that they couldn't tell for sure but there looked like there was a hole where the babies lungs should be. It looked as if there was no sac. She sent me to a specialest with a high tech ultrasound. Later that week we went and sure enough the babies lung were not growing like the rest of him. There was just a big empty spot where his lungs should have been. I was told the baby would just naturally misscarry or that I could enduce labor and have the baby now. They said it's best if you do it now rather than wait as it is not good for you mentaly or for your body. I was sent home to make my mind up with what I wanted to do. This was three days before my sister's Birthday. I know that had to be her worst birthday. I cried for days. I didn't want to lose this baby who had become every thing to me. My mom and sisters sat me down and talked with me. The knew I should not let it happen natural as my mental state would not beable to handle it. I new they were right. The doctor had also said it might not happen until the due date. I did not want to think that I would have to carry the baby who I named Ori for nine months never felling a kick or movement of any kind and knowing at the end there would just be a body. I - we decided it would be best to deliver now. I called my doctor and that Thursday I went into the hospital in the maternity ward and tryed to deliver my baby boy. The stared with shots to get the contractions going. The pain was bad. They then tried a few other things the baby did not want out. Then I started to bleed. This was Saturday. They called in a specialist and he made the call I could not do this any more. He came to me and my mom and asked if they could take the baby. By this time I didn't care. There was so much pain I just wanted it stopped. That day they took my baby from me. They would not or could not let me have him. I wanted to put him to rest. I think that was the hardest thing. Not knowing where my baby went or what they did to him. That Sunday they let me go home. It was Superball Sunday. I still remeber that. I should tell you this was about 8 years ago. It doesn't hurt as much now as it did then.
About four years ago I meet a wonderful man and we married almost two years ago. We decided now was a good time to try. I am 34 now and wa a little worried about my age and still am. After about a year of trying I got pregant. We were so happy. After the problems with my last I was scared the same thing might happen. They said the last on was from a gene the father carred so I should have no problems this time. I went at 6 weeks and sure enough the doctor said I was pregnant. I was happy but didn't really want to be to happy. I was scared. I wouldn't let any one do any thing. Just picking something up to say ha congrats. Mother's day was that week and my husband bought me something for the baby. He said I was being to negative. He didn't understand he wasn't there for Ori my first baby. At 8 weeks I went to the doctor to look for the heartbeat. They couldn't hear it but on an ultra sound there it was. A nice little heart beat. I felt a weight be lifted. A little. The next day I started to bleed. I called the doctor and they told me it sometimes happenes not to worry unless there are cramps or lots of blood. Well I had neither so I didn't worry. At 2:30 am I needed to use the restroom. Sure enough there was more blood and cramps had started. I didn't know what to do. I called my mom as she to has had a miscarrage and might know what I should do. She told me get to the hospital. When I got there I had to wait about 5 hours before they finally came in and said did some one tell you yet that you are having a miscarriage. I said no. Well you are. We'll send you home with some pain medicine and we'll let it happen naturally. As this is your second loss you might want to see a genetics specialist. Like it was all my fault that this had happened. He knew nothing about that first pregnancy. How could he say that. I was so upset. I fell like I failed and this doctor is telling me it's my fault. This was Friday. On Saturday the pain and the blood was so bad. They told me at the hospital it would only take 2 to 3 days. By Tuesday I was still bleeding and the cramps were bad. I went back to the hospital and they set up with my doctor that I should go see her the next day. While high on pain med a women I'm guessing from billing comes into the emergenty room and tells me and my husband that we own them 400 dollors. Icould lnot belive this. Then she says if I stay that it will be another 2600 dollors. Here I am losing something that I want so bad to keep and they want there money. They gave me more pain pills and sent me home. The next day I saw my doctor and she said we are doing a D&C. The next day I had a D&C done. this was about ten days ago. I am trying to understand why this happened and will it happed again. I am afraid to try again. Every one else says I should try. I want a baby but I can't go through this again. We shall see. Know one seems to understand. I feel like I am alone.

Susan

Susan

tragic loss

well i was 24 weeks preg. and on may the 16 2007 i had been having really bad back cramps and just felt really uncomfortable i had been going to the restroom frequently and i was kinda spotting and i got really worried so i called my mom and told her and she said that it was weird and told me to just keep watching to see if it happend the next time i went to the restroom so i did and the spotting would come and go..... it was about 9:30pm my mom said come on we are taking you to the hospital just to make sure everything is alright so we went and the pains were getting stronger and stronger so they took me into the room and they monitored the baby for about 5 mins and told me that i was dehydrated and for me to drink lots of water and put heating pack on my back for the pain and i just knew that something wasnt right but they did not listen to me so they sent me home and i wasnt at home but 45 mins and my water broke in the restroom and i started to bleed heavy so my mom calld the ambulance and they arrived and they put me on the stretcher and as soon as we got on the ambulance i screamed say the baby was coming and i had him right in front of my house in the ambulance so we rushed to the hospital and they wouldnt tell me anything as soon as we arrived to the hospital they took him one way and we went the other i did not know anything for 2 hours finally the dr. came in and told me that my lil boy was really sick and he didnt know how long my lil man was going to make it but my lil man hung on for 15 days he was the strongest lil guys i ever met .... he wasnt here that long but those days that i got to spend with him were the most happiest days of my life b/c i experienced love like i have never felt before... he would squeeze my finger and just move around when he would hear my voice it was just the most amazing feeling in the world ...... but my lil one passed away on the 1st of june. but it is now June the 5th and i just found out that i am PG again and it just scares me to death that the same thing is going to happen but god will help me through this .......

Susan

Lost for ever

I am a foreign to this country, working in a biomedical lab as a postdoc fellow. My life is very stressful, and maybe the way I treat it increased the stressful level. I kept on telling myself that the first generation of immigrants is the most difficult and we could do our best for our next generation.

It seemed to me that I stuck somewhere...career exams, baby, lab work, my husband's work...everyday I thinks about it too much. I made a lot of plans and I changed the sequences of having a baby first or taking the career exams first for tons of times. And finally we decide to have a baby first this year.

Luckily I got pregnant after 3 times of trial. My last period was this April 19. I can't help telling my parents, my in-laws, and my closest friends (most being moms now). Although I kept on telling them do not tell other relatives or familiars until I past the first trimester.

Unfortunately, it happens. Last Thursday I had a little bit brownish discharge. I called my OB and she said it is quite normal. I insisted to get my HCG tested. Although I was worried, I still felt that it was normal and I went on to write a beautiful plan about my life this year and next year in my blog.

Now I knows that plans will never work out if I plan too much. This Monday I had my HCG tested and also ultrasound. Within one minute, the ultrasound doctor said that she couldn't find anything in my uterus...even no embryo sac. My HCG was only 626mIU/ml. The next day it decreased to 510. My OB said that the implantation was not successful. The pregnancy was not healthy.

I began to bleed yesterday. I discharged a piece of tissue, 4-5 CM long, membrane sac like. I really want to show it to the OB to see if it is the embryo sac... I just felt quite sad about it since the ultrasound doctor said she did not find anything in my uterus.

But anyway, I know it's not her fault. The HCG was low and the pregnancy could not continue for sure.

Before we saw the discharged tissue, my husband and I were sad but not so sad. Now when we look at this big piece of tissue, it reminds us that our baby really existed for a while...no matter one hour, one day or a week.

It once existed.

This is my first pregnancy in my 30 years of life.

Tears...

What I can say. I wish that my dear first one happy for ever in the heaven...

Connie

My lost babies.

My story begins in feb 2007 when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Both myself and my partner were really pleased and excited about becoming parents after being together for 10 years.

My pregnancy was going really well. I had no sickness, all my blood and urine tests were good and our first scan at 12 weeks was all clear from any problems. Before going off on holiday to spain I gave blood for the triple test. After having a really good holiday and feeling relaxed and enjoying my pregnancy I came home to the results of the test being high in Spina Bifida. This became the worst week of my life.

We were sent to king's Collage Hospital in London for a scan which comfirmed that my baby had Spina Bifida. My partner and I were really upset but made our decision to terminate the pregnancy. I was 20 weeks pregnant and had to go through labour and birth, to have nothing at the end of it. It was a very difficult time for myself and my partner who had to watch me going through all of this.

At the beginning of 2008 I felt ready to start trying again. I decided to lose weight, change my diet, do more execise and my partner gave up smoking. In May 2008 I found out I was pregnant. Feeling really pleased but a little scared of what happened last time.

This week is a year since what happened to my first baby so I was hoping it would be a happier time than last year. At the beginning of this week I started bleeding. I was 6 weeks pregnant and was going to the bathroom and seeing pink on the tissue. I was really worried because at the same time my pregnancy symptoms went away. After the weekend I went to see my doctor who didn't seem worried as I was not having any pain. She booked me in for a scan 4 days later and told me not to worry. After going back to work the bleeding became heavy and on the fifth day of bleeding I had some stomach cramps which resulted in miscarriage.

I feel really confused about what I have done in life to make this happen to me but after reading your stories it has helped me to realise that it has not just happened to me .

Myself and my partner needed time to pick ourselves up again after what has happened before we try again.

We will not give up, I will have my baby in the end!

Louise