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Devestated and left wondering why

On 2/8/08 I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child. It wasn't a 'truly' planned pregnancy but I was still very happy. Everything was going fine. we had an ultrasound at 7 weeks/5 days just to confirm & get my measurements - saw a fetal heartbeat, etc. Everything looked normal. On 3/21/08 I was at work & noticed some very pale pink spotting. I contacted my mid-wife who suggested that I have an ultrasound done but that I shouldn't be alarmed as at times mild spotting may occur. That alleviated my anxiety a bit - but in the back of my mind I just felt like 'there was some reason' for this happening to me. On Sunday 3/22/08 in the evening I was cramping and starting to bleed as if I were having a period. I broke down & started crying. I was traveling that day and on the plane I just couldn't hold back the tears. When I arrived to the airport my husband drove me straight to the ER. Long story short the ER couldn't assist us or quell our fears. We had to wait until the next day Monday 3/31 for the ultrasound appt. My husband came with me to the appt - but for some STUPID OFFICE POLICY REASON was not permitted to come back with me. As the tech did the ultrasound I asked if I could see the screen - as I looked I saw - there was no heartbeat!! I said to her - there's no heartbeat?! And she said "No, I'm sorry there's not"! I will never forget the utter pain & sadness I felt at that moment. I cried & cried - they had my husband come back & as soon as he saw me he just held me. I was then told by the midwife that I could opt to allow this to happen naturally or have a D & E. I opted for the natural way. On Wed eve we received a call from the midwife stating that they got the final ultrasound report & they felt the fetus would be too large for me to pass so I should go & have the procedure done. I was so stressed as I DO NOT like hospitals/surgery - I mean WHO DOES?? Anyway, we spent a tremendous amount of time in a hospital ER (as I didn't have an OB I was going through a practice of midwives) finally after I had to go through all sorts of tests again (which was horrible) - I was in extreme pain that day, they gave me a morphine drip - which did nothing for the pain. Finally at around 3:30pm we were told I was going to be taken up to surgery. Ten mins later I told my husband I need to use the r/r. He walked me over to the r/r and after urinating all of a sudden I felt something else...it was the fetus. I cried & cried. My husband came in & the dr's were notified. I didn't have to have the D&E. Our 5 yr old daughter was away on spring break w/family during this entire ordeal & having to tell her - I was absolutely DREADING as that is all she has talked about since we told her we were going to have a baby. This entire experience has been absolutely horrible - - I go through feelings of total emptiness to extreme anger...My sister is pregnant & her and I were only 1 month apart. I am so glad I found this posting board to see that I am not ALONE in my feelings. Thank you for all your experiences.

melissa

Scarlette Rose

Hi Im Deborah and I had a baby that was a stillborn on August 30 2007. This baby girl was my second child I have a two year old daughter named Ivy. I was 39 weeks pregnant with Scarlette and I went in for a doctors apointment. They couldn't find a heart beat so they gave me an ultrasound. Thats when I found out my baby died. I was so upset wondering why did my daughter die when im due in just a few days. What did I do wrong I thought.

Theres nothing I did wrong. The doctors told me she cought a bacteria. I still cry every day even though its been almost eight months since I found out that Scarlette died. My heart will always be broken from this. I never knew that I would have to bury a child at the age of 20. I had a wonderful funeral for her and my parents and my husband Joel were there for me.

Now Im 4 months pregnant with another baby. My due date is October 9th and I keep wondering is this baby going to die too. Im so stressed just thinking about this. I keep telling God please don't take this baby from me, I can't go through it again. I'll never know what's going to happen to this baby inside me. All I can do is trust God that he will take care of this baby.

Deborah

fears, anger and worries

I thought I would use this chance to write a story of my loss and to get my feelings down. On Monday my partner and I did a test and got confirmation that we were expecting. We had the usual excitement that comes with that news, as we had been trying for 6-7months. As much as I tried to contain this feeling it's hard as you can't help but be swept along to some extent of thinking ahead... I would have only been about 5 weeks gone.

Sadly on Wednesday morning I woke up to some spotting and bleeding which developed into a period. I had miscarried that quickly after finding out I was pregnant. I did have the fear that I would since a prior unplanned pregnancy that occurred when I was only 19 had also miscarried at only 6 weeks.

As I am sure you can appreciate my feelings are now all over the place. Fear for why I have miscarried so early again, along with anger, frustration and upset.. I really want to have a baby and am so upset at being back to square one again.

What can I do? i have a doctors appointment on Monday (originally booked to confirm the pregnancy), i have kept this to discuss my worries and to get any advice I can. I will ask for a blood test to check that I am not reheus Negative which can affect pregnancy I am told.

Why did I miscarry for a second time so early on? what can I do to stop this happening (daft question i know)?

i will be trying straight away. its hard as we get so much expectation from friends and family alike as they have known for years how much I would love a family... but it does add more pressure that we just dont need. plus to make this situ harder we are keeping the fact we are trying to ourselves thinking it would ease the questions... some luck! so to some extent we are dealing with this all alone...

any kind words would be well received, or advice
trapalot - a 27yr old, healthy, wants-to-be-a-mum x x

trapalot

Looking for Closure

I have been married almost 10 years. I have a son who is nine years old. Last fall my husband asked me to have my IUD removed because he wanted us to have another baby. I wanted a baby too.

At 35 years old, the whole idea sounded crazy, but we were really excited. So, for the first few months I was in hyper mode, trying to plan the time I was most fertile, etc. After being disappointed by the arrival of my period, I just decided to stop worrying about it. I figured if God wanted us to have a baby, he would work it out. I was stressing myself out from trying too hard.

Last month, it just so happened that my husband and I were intimate during my most fertile time. We weren't even trying. He had been putting in a lot of overtime at work, so I saw him much less and barely got to spend any time alone with him.

Then the week my period was supposed to start, I had some pregnancy symptoms. I felt really tired like I did with my first pregnancy. I was also very nauseated and had very bad heartburn, which I never have normally. My normal PMS type symptoms were also non existent.

I was so excited, but it took me a few days to put together what was happening. I didn't get a pregnancy test right away because I wanted to wait, to avoid the disappointment that I had been experiencing. But in my heart I already knew. I had been pregnant before.

I told my husband and we started planning the future, thinking up names, etc. One evening I started to feel some cramping in my tummy and a dull backache. I tried to tell myself this was just my body adjusting and I tried not to worry about it. But I think deep down I was a little concerned.

That day I had my sister in law take me to the store and I bought two epts. I decided to wait until morning to take it, to get better results.

The next morning I got up to pee and take the test. It was negative. I was so stunned. It is very early in the morning so I go back to bed, discouraged.

A few hours later I was back in the bathroom. This time I found out that I'm bleeding but this is not normal period blood. It had a lot of blood clots in it and was heavier and just different than normal.

The strong pregnancy symptoms I was experiencing have also disappeared as suddenly as they showed up.

At first I think I've started my period but after doing some research I realize that I probably had an early miscarriage.

I continued to pass clots for two days. Every time I went to the bathroom, my heart hurt. I just kept thinking, I'm flushing my baby away.

It's been almost a month now and I thought I was doing okay but every now and then I have this overwhelming sadness come over me. I want to be okay, but I'm not.

I am a Christian and I'm relying on the Lord to carry me through this time. I have had a lot of people praying for me, even though they do not understand what I am going through. I'm not even sure I understand it myself.

But I'm praying that the Lord will watch over my little baby until I get to heaven someday to meet her. I think she is a girl. We would have been so excited to have had her. We really wanted a girl. But I will get to meet her someday.

trapalot

Loss at 11.6 weeks

Hi, Im a mommy of one adorable 21 month year old, and have been marrried for 6 years. Our attempts to give our son a baby brother or sister were thwarted earlier this year, when I suffered a spontaneous miscarriage at 11.6 weeks. We were hoping for a girl this time.

I can't even begin to say how this happened. I came home on Friday, Jan 4, had some lunch and suddenly felt feverish and like I needed to go to the bathroom. I started bleeding right away, dark stains with many, many clots. I was so scared. I put on a maxipad and called my husband at work. I called my OG and my husband called a young friend who is also an OG. He came and using a portable ultrasound confirmed my worst fears. At so early in the process there was no fetal tissue, just an empty sac. The bleeding continued all evening but was nothing to speak of. I still was hoping that maybe we were wrong. I called my OG's office. Was it before the ultrasound? I dont remember. His new male assistant answered & told me that my doctor was not in office. I told him I had an emergency and that it was urgent that I needed to speak with him. He went away for a few seconds, then returned to say ask me what was the problem. Did he even ask me that? I don't even remember. In Jamaica its common practice for OG's to not give you a cell or pager number and to say "in case of an emergency, go to the hospital and the hospital will inform me." I find that incredibly impersonal. How can I as a woman tell my deepest most horrible revelation to a complete stranger. Should I just walk up to the reception desk and say "Hello, I'm Dahlia and I'm losing my baby" Anyway, I never got to speak with him that day and he never called me. He probably never got the message.

I made a regular appointment to see him the next day and waited over 2 hours with all his patients, pregnant and otherwise until he could see me. When I told him how I was miscarrying and that I tried to get in touch with him I could see he was sorry. He prescribed a three day course of Methergin and sent me home. By then the pain and cramping had begun. I took the Methergin right away and the pains got so intense. The bleeding also sped right up and I passed some huge clots, I'm guessing all the placenta and sac etc...I tried to lie down just to make it pass, but the cramps were so intensely sharp they were making me delirious. I took some of the painkillers our friend had so kindly prescribed, but they never helped.

I didn't want our infant son to see me in such pain so I hid in another bedroom.. By now it was nighttime and my poor husband was doing everything to try to help me. Wave after wave of terrible cramps came. I cried and prayed for some relief. He called our friend again who prescribed cataflam this time. It was as effective as a sweet. He told me not to take anymore of that Methergin and to let my body just expel the tissues naturally. It was the worst night of my life. Finally at around 2AM I got some sleep. On Monday I went back to my OG. I explained my terrible experience with the Methergin. I told him I was afraid of taking anymore and asked if I could just let nature take its course with this miscarriage. He told me that I looked like I WANTED to spend some money with him, i.e. pay him to do a D&C and then told me that I was being ridiculous. I begged him not to recommend that I finish the course of Methergin. He said "If I had a camera I would film you right now and in a year or so we would look at it and have a good laugh" He then refused to treat me unless I finished the course of Methergin and got up from his chair, indicating the consultation was over. I was so hurt and angry.

I felt like as a woman I have no say over my own body. Didn't I have any rights? I broke down in the car & called my husband. I did my crying in the car because I didn't want my baby to see me like that. I was shaking at the thought of taking those tablets again, because I believed they were responsible for my pain. When I got home I mixed a stiff drink and washed the methergin down with it, even though I'm not a drinker. I waited. Nothing happened. Some more bleeding, some more spotting, but no more pain. I finished the course, but decided that I needed to have a new OG.

Oddly enough, losing my baby gave me the strength to leave my OG whose impersonal and abrupt style had upset me on more than one occasion, but this was the last straw. Some more prodding from a friend and I found a new doctor, walking distance from my office. He had a much better bedside manner and was very very gentle. I eventually needed to have the D&C done and this new doctor did the procedure for me on Jan 18. Ironically, it was the same day that my sister-in-law gave birth to her second child. After the procedure I went to visit her in hospital. My sister was also pregnant at the time and she also gave birth on February 12th. My best friend at the ofiice is due anytime now. It has been extremely hard for me to be surrounded by so many pregnant women in my life and newborn babies. But I'm afraid to show that because I know it will be misconstrued as envy, or ill will. I once tried sharing with my sister how I felt. I said "Sometimes I ask, why me?" She responded by asking me if I would have preferred if her or my sister-in-law had lost their babies instead. I would never want that, nor would I even think that.

It has been one of the most difficult roads I have ever walked, and I would never wish that on anybody. My husband and I still want to have a second child, and we are trying. We got the go-ahead about 4 weeks after the D&C was done. With God's grace, maybe this year. This miscarriage blind-sided us though. You think that having had one successful pregnancy that you are somehow immune to that kind of thing. I have no prior adverse gynaecological or endocrine history, so I have no idea what could have contibuted to this. For a while I questioned myself. What did I do wrong? What medications did I take?, Is it because I'm still breastfeeding my son? I had a thousand questions and some theories too. My new doctor assured me that it was just a fluke. A one-time occurence, probably never to repeat itself again. Its the "probably" I'm afraid of. But I can't live my life afraid of my own shadow. I have lost too many hours to sadness already in my life so Im cautiously optimistic about the future. A plus-sign on a pregnancy test this month would make me happy, even though I'll wait till 11.7 weeks to smile. My mottos for my life since this loss are "Thy will be done cause I'm done", and "Let go and let God". We'll see.

My advice to anyone going through this is take time with yourself. It helped a lot having my son to take care of, who needs Mommy to be whole and present in his life. It pushed me to get past this. Gobble up all the information that you can and read. Arm yourself with knowledge about people who have gone through the same thing. I found it strangely comforting to read similar stories. Feel free to grieve for no matter how long it takes, and take care of yourself. Sometimes comfort can only come from within, and the people around you may love you but may not know the appropriate things to say. Losing a baby changes you forever, but you will feel better as time goes by. I wish us all hope and a little baby dust.

trapalot