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Lucas Zachary James

When my friend's found out about my pregnancy, they didn't even try to disguise the anticipation in their eyes. I can't say I blame them. It would make a sensational piece of gossip after all, and boost them a tier above "slaggy Lauren Mason". I remember them telling me "Oh you're so lucky" and "I'd love to have a baby" as though it was a Baby Annabel I would be pushing out of me, rather than a real live human being, at the age of sixteen.

In the end Tristan pushed me into having an abortion. I could just about face telling my friends let alone my mum and his, and like he said " it was too much, too soon." The baby "out of the way" he left me, no strings attached. I haven't ever been able to forgive him for that. Yes, he was a kid but if he was old enough to sleep with me then he should have been old enough to handle the responsibilities in a sensitive and mature way. I don't think he realized the effect the abortion had on me, it was mentally and physically tortuous.

Two years have passed and I have another steady boyfriend. Although I'm nearly nineteen now, and we're arranging a big white wedding in St. Lucia I haven't been able to bring up the subject of children. It will take me a while to forgive myself for losing Lucas.

Izzie

Stillborn at 20 weeks

Well in the last week of November 2007, I started having a light pink bleeding. I am 24 yrs old with three boys. I was around 19 weeks so I went to the emergency room. They tried to find the heartbeat with the dopler thing with no luck, but that was not unusual this pregnancy the baby had been that way the whole time but when they did the ultrasound it was in there bouncing around all happy and waving.

So they didn't give it much thought. Well I went home diagnosed with a UTI and took my antibiotics. Well Monday Dec 3, 2007 I was excited because on the 5th was going to find out what it was. I started having the pink light bleeding again but no pain. I assumed it was still the infection and stayed at work at the daycare. When I got off of work I went to the ER again. This time they sent me to the OB floor and the doctor still didn't seem to worry. Said would keep me overnight for observation and do ultrasound in the morning. Baby was perfectly fine the last ultrasound so no worries.

The next day at 7 a.m., I was informed that the baby did not make it. I was given xanexs to calm my nerves and called my family. Then I was given even worse news-I had to deliver it. They induced my labor and in exactly 12 hours at 7 p.m., I delivered baby Alejandro. A perfectly formed baby just small. I do not understand why but some tests still have not came back. I have pictures of baby Alejandro, and he looked so perfect looking back up at me and my boyfriend. This would have been his first child, my fourth. I know it has affected him but he refuses to cry or talk about it.

Don't know what to do for him. I have cried off and on and even have Alejandros picture up on my wall. He looks at it and looks away. He has no family here because his family is in Mexico and he hadn't even told them about me being pregnant. I think I might try again in a few months. Depending on what the last set of tests says. I feel that by talking about it I am getting through it fine but I do not know about my boyfriend.


Stephanie

DARKEST DAYS OF MY LIFE MISSCARRIED AND DUMPED

It was in November 2006 and one and a half months had passed I had not had my periods. I went for the first pregnancy test and the results were negative two weeks later no period. I went for another pregnancy test the urine text showed positive. I had waited for this moment in my life at 36 years I really needed this baby. On the same day I went for a scan but nothing was shown in the scan, I still had hope because it was my first time to attempt to conceive and I knew that since I had not got my periods the pregnancy was there.

Two weeks later I went for another scan and indeed the fetus was there, I was excited though I didn’t want to show the doctor I was, it was eight weeks and then there was that but ’…the heart of the fetus is not beating!’ I was so ignorant I thought that at an early pregnancy the heartbeat doesn’t show but with time it would show. I was wrong. I went back home looking forward to the next OB visit.

I started feeling abdominal pain I told my BF about the pain and the results I had got from the doctor. It was approaching X-mas and he had to travel to his village the following day where they had a family function and since we were not staying together I had to go to my parents for X-mas. On X-mas eve I went to Church I felt uncomfortable standing, sitting and kneeling but I persisted till the end of the service from Church I passed my OB’s Clinic it was locked since most had gone to celebrate X-mas. The pain increased. My BF was already in the village and on arrival he told his close family members about the pregnancy it was going to be his first child. On X-mas day I started feeling fever and stayed in bed most of the day. I started getting a brownish discharge, a day after X-mas I went to the clinic and the doctor gave me some drugs, which he said, would prevent bleeding.

Last day of 2006 I was restless in bed got up before 6.00 p.m. when I went to the toilet I was bleeding, I knocked at my mother's door who was still asleep and immediately took me to a general hospital, there was a kind young doctor who was on her internship she examined me and told me that maybe it was the fibroids bleeding she gave me more tablets and I went back home.

Later in the day I got worse my mother had gone to church I was alone, I started bleeding heavily like a running tap I felt big lumps passing. When I read some of these stories I realize that at least some took a look at the tissue, it was dead but I should have taken a look, I simply flushed the toilet. I rang my mother and I was immediately rushed to hospital.

We were entering a new year there were very few doctors on duty, I spent a couple of hours in the waiting room I wanted to jump the line b’se it was too long there were those who had come before me, I couldn’t stand the pain yet I had to let go of the most preciously thing I wanted in life.

Promptly at the stroke of midnight 30 Dec 06, I was being wheeled to the theater people out there were celebrating and jubilating for entering the new year I could hear the fire works out there. When I woke up after the evacuation I heard a voice from one corner of the same theatre in which I was ‘ we have had a baby boy!!!’ I had lost mine those words still echo in my mind and they remind me of my greatest lose in life. What a terrible way to enter a new year. I have never cried the way I did that night, I have always cried for my baby since that day. The next morning I rang my BF he said ‘…I’m sorry…’ and came over with a friend to see me he continued coming to see me thereafter.

Six months after I got a miscarriage. My BF’s father feel sick around that time he had an operation and was hospitalized, we had never met before although I had met some of his brothers. My BF and his brother were taking care of him in hospital in turns. I went to see him in good faith and it was his brother and sisters turn. My BF wasn’t there. We had a chat about work and other general issues. A few days after I had seen his father I realized there was a problem my BF commented that he had a talk with his father about me, although he was not straightforward I could sense it wasn’t something good. I insisted wanting to know and he told me his father didn’t like me. It felt like a big blow in my face I felt so isolated all alone on an island. Although I was not there to witness what they talked I didn’t want to persist with the relationship.

I couldn’t sleep I had sleepless nights I would sit up in bed crying, yet I had hectic days ahead, I resorted to swallowing sleeping pills in order to get some sleep.

I had moved away from where I was staying, I now stay far away from him. I felt like garbage dumped on a rubbish heap. I felt I was hated and regretted why I ever went to see his sick father. I wasn’t the type who wanted to be in a relationship and hide it away yet my reasoning caused me pain. I don’t know if it ever crossed my BF’s mind what I was going through, but for me the pain is still fresh in my mind.

The pain of having lost a pregnancy was still fresh in my heart I really needed consolation and help from him and here I was being rejected. It really hurts losing a first pregnancy and being rejected thereafter. Meanwhile, I didn’t want to see him again because the more I saw him the more I could get hurt.

I always think if I only had my baby it would have been my only consolation but no consolation at all it really hurts.

For those of you who have had their husbands by their side during and after a miscarriage can try to handle, I know the pain doesn’t go but at least it is shared, I didn’t have that chance. For those of you who miscarried always thank God for the good husbands and in-laws you have after Please!

I know there are women out there quietly suffering the same consequences not knowing what to do. ‘We need help and we need prayer’.


Stephanie

BABY AFTER MISCARRIAGE

I wasn't sure what category I should chose when I decided to write this story. It's about loss but it's also about a tremendous gain.

Back in July of 2006 I wrote a story on this site called "Third times not a charm". I had two beautiful girls and was pregnant with my third when after nearly 10 weeks, I lost the baby. I was crushed as only a woman who has been through this could feel. I would look at babies and pregnant women and feel sick and no longer smile, all the while feeling grateful that I had my girls.

It was this site that I turned to find my comfort. To know that I was not alone. My husband is great, but there's no one that can make you feel any better than that of a woman who has been through such a loss.

The reason I wasn't sure what category to choose was because almost a year to the day later, I gave birth to the son I so desperately wanted. I had two wonderful girls but from the time I imagined myself with children, I imagined my son. But never in my imagination or in my dreams could I have dreamt of a son so gorgeous, so sweet, so special and so loved as my Anthony. I fall in love everyday for the first time, everyday.

I survived a miscarriage and my gift for doing so is my son. My dream came true. I will never forget the baby that I lost. I still look at the pregnancy sticks I saved when I first found out I was pregnant. I still look at his/her sonogram picture and apologize for not doing a better job and I still have the tree I planted in front of the house that reminds me of the life that I lost. So, while I grieve for you, for all women who lost a child, I hope that you can soon see how miscarriages are a blessing in disguise.

It's God's way of telling us how much he loves us that he is going to spare us a lifetime of heartache by giving us an unhealthy child. Of course I didn't see it this way last July either. All I kept thinking was God took away my perfectly healthy baby, but in all honesty, we don't lose healthy babies.

So, I hope this gives you hope. I hope this helps you to see that while you may hate hearing "it's God's way" or "it's a blessing in disguise" as much as I did, it really is. This is not coming from someone who is throwing out frequently used words to make some feel better, it's coming from a woman who has been there and really knows how you feel.

Keep trying - your dream will become a reality. I know my dream is sleeping in the room right next to his two sisters right now. Life is good. God is good!


Toni

My Baby Boy

My fiancé and I had trouble getting pregnant. The first problem was I didn't have a regular menstrual cycle, so that was solved with a prescription. Then I had a small cyst on one of my ovaries and my testosterone level was too high from my ovaries (Clomid and Metformin). On cycle three of Clomid combined with Metformin and Evening Prime Rose I finally got pregnant. We were so happy.

I was 5 weeks pregnant when I had a medical confirmation and my first ultrasound. Then at 8 weeks I was shocked to see my babies growth in a second ultrasound. It was the night of Dec. 2, 2007, which was the night before I was going to find out if it was a boy or girl. I had called the doctor on call at Harrison & Smith (my prenatal provider) the night before and told the doctor that I had dark blood when I wiped and bad pains in my lower abdomen. I felt bad when she told me to rest and call her back if the blood started to stain my panties.

I stayed in the bed all Saturday night, but I had a feeling that I should have gone to the emergency room anyway. That Sunday I felt okay for the most part, but I went to have dinner and came back home in pain and the blood was heavier and bright red. I said the hell with calling that doctor again I was having contractions. The next thing I knew my fiancé was in a frenzy flying through red lights to get me to Duke.

Once we were at Duke the guys moved my car and got me in a wheelchair. Inside they got me registered pretty quickly, but then the wait began to see a nurse. I waited in the lobby for about 15-20 minutes in pain moaning. Once the nurse called me back they quickly got me into a room and before I knew it I had a panel of doctors and nurses trying to help. They tried so desperately to find a heartbeat. The Doctor called for another ultrasound machine and an OB Specialist, one lady looked like she was praying in the corner. I was speechless and praying for a heartbeat. He tried everything even two intrauterine ultrasounds, but he held my hand and told me the baby was dead.

Everything was fine and we were coping until one of the techs. Opened my door while she was still talking to a male in the hallway, laughing loud and yelled back to the guy "All I drink is Hennesy and Courvesier" I was shocked and if wasn't for the pain I was in and mourning so bad I would have put her in her place. I was 18 weeks pregnant and they said the baby dies at about 12 weeks. Then my water broke and they rushed me upstairs. I felt the baby come out and I had to wait a few hours for the placenta. The nurses were really nice and told me their stories about miscarriages. I wasn't going to see the baby until a nurse named Sherry told me her story. I was glad she talked to me. The baby was a boy like we thought and he looked just like my fiancé.

I was heartbroken and happy at the same time. The world keeps moving even when you're all broken up, but they're some really nice people that can help smooth it out. I just got out of the hospital this morning and it's hard, but I'm not going to give up faith.


Carolina