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Coming to Terms with Failure

Two years ago we decided to try for our second baby - the first, a girl, was two years old and beautiful. Blessed with immediate conception we crowed about our high fertility levels and enjoyed the ride. I felt great. Thirteen wks into the pregnancy I miscarried. It was hell and though not a 'crier' I absolutely howled. Doubt and guilt and shame at my failure overwhelmed me but everyone just kept saying 'it was meant to be' and 'it's so common, don't blame yourself...' etc. I wanted to hit them.

We waited three months and tried again: immediate conception again. Then miscarriage. Approximately every three months since then I have fallen pregnant and subsequently miscarried within weeks. I have just had a sixth miscarriage.

Throughout this journey I have harassed doctors for help but until the 4th M/C all I heard was the same old comments, I was made to feel like a stress-head and told to relax. The most unbelievable comment was that I 'shouldn't bother testing for pregnancy until at least 8wks - to avoid disappointment!'

Finally I lucked upon a GP who was appalled by what I'd been through. He referred me immediately to a specialist in recurrent M/C. This specialist was a delight who actually took as long as I needed to explain to me all the possible causes and all the tests we would do. We have since found I have APS - antiphospholipid syndrome - which causes a thickening of the blood and basically attacks the placenta. We have tried low dose aspirin with little success but at least now I know what's happening and importantly, I can most likely avoid dying of a stroke in the near future and thereby actually get to see my one beautiful child reach adulthood.

Moral of the story: Keep hassling doctors until you find one who cares - you are the only one who knows your body and if you feel 'wrong', you are right.


Georgia

My love had just begun.

It was traumatic; my mother had kicked me out of her home, I was forced to rent an apartment with my boyfriend and I decided to take a semester off from college. I had turned eighteen when I got pregnant, and was afraid to tell anyone besides my boyfriend.

It took me two months to finally start doctor visits, and the only reason for that is I finally told my mother. My mom didn't take it well, she was angry with me. She made a point in telling me she wouldn't tolerate it. "I'm too young to be a grandmother" and "I'm not having a baby in house" were some of the words she preached. My dad didn't take it kindly either. He made it his duty to let me know how much of a screw up I've become, which didn't shock me. However, my mother always preached how she would be here for me... and at the moment in my life that I needed her most, she did not keep her word. So I left.

My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship. While everyone told me to get an abortion, he was the one who suck by me. "It's your decision and whatever you choose I'll be right here" were his words.

We lost our baby boy 5 months into pregnancy. We had finished having intercourse, and my boyfriend blurted out that my vagina was bleeding. Suddenly I started feeling pains. The next morning I laid in a hospital bed and I miscarried.

I had just begun to relieve all the stress in my life. I had just begun to understand that the baby boy in my wound was something more than a responsibility. I was just beginning to smile and rejoice the fact that I was granted a blessing. And he was taken from me.

That's what hurts most.


Alisa

Miscarriage

I realised I was pregnant a week after I had this burning pains in my stomach. My husband rushed me to the emergency rooms as it was a holiday and the dr examined me funny. He asked me what I ate to cause the pains.

He gave me a treatment for food poisoning & infections then we left the room. After 1 week of treatment when my dr returned we went for a follow up...that’s when he realised that I am miscarrying. Blood results came up neg for bchg but my bleeding told the story. So please be careful.

Lab results are sometimes not 100% accurate but the sonar (2d) managed to see what was happening to me.


Tebogo

Trying Again...

Ten and twelve years ago, I was blessed with 2 beautiful children. Unfortunately, my 1st marriage was not as blessed and we divorced. Flash-forward to the present, I am now with my soul mate and we were so looking forward to creating another beautiful child.

So, we started trying last August to conceive, and after 7 months, on Valentine's Day this year, we found out we were pregnant... A little over a month later, we were devastated to find out thru a routine ultrasound that my pregnancy was not sustainable and I was in fact miscarrying.

I've never felt my heart ache as much as I did when I heard the news. The first 2 weeks after were the worst... everyone was always asking me how I was feeling, which was a terrible reminder of what I had just gone thru.

This kind of loss is so much different than any other and is very hard to put into words. Feelings of inadequacy consumed me b/c there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. And no words could quell the emotions I was going thru... not even the stories of how common MC's are could provide relief. In fact, they made me feel worse! I actually didn't realize how depressed and saddened I was until only recently, now that some time has passed and I am feeling stronger emotionally and physically.

The hardest part of healing for me was accepting that this was an actual loss and not just some medical condition to recover physically from. It was only after I realized that it was okay to grieve for my angel (however I needed to and for however long I needed to), that I was able to look to the future and start moving forward again.

I've just had my 1st period since the MC, and we are planning on trying again right away. For me, doing so is another way to move forward... but I will always carry in my heart my little angel.


Kelly

Heartbroken

My husband and I were so excited to find out we were going to have our second child after 10 years. We had tried and tried and had come to terms that our beautiful son would be an only child. As I look back on it, I think I knew something was wrong. I'm a planner, but through almost 4 months of pregnancy I only bought one thing for the baby.

At 14 weeks I started spotting. I called my doctor and the nurse told me that it was normal as long as the spotting wasn't bright red. The spotting stopped and the next few days I felt pretty good. Then last Saturday, April 28, I felt strange all day. I really couldn't tell if I was cramping or not. It had been 10 years since my last pregnancy and I thought maybe it was round ligament pain.

As the day progressed the pain intensified and at 10:30 that night I knew something was terribly wrong. I called my doctor who directed me to the Emergency Room. By the time I got to the ER I was in terrible pain and began bleeding in the waiting room. I finally got back to a room and shortly thereafter the baby passed. The worse part of it all is I saw the baby. I had a D&C and was released from the hospital late Sunday afternoon.

I've blamed myself repeatedly, thinking of all the things I could have done differently. My doctor told me there was nothing I could do. He also told me that after examining the baby that there were some abnormalities. That's the only thing that has given me peace.

I know in my head that it's nature way of dealing with things, but it still hurts something terrible. I desperately want to try again, but of course I'm terrified. And after waiting 10 years the first time, I'm concerned that I won't get another chance.

Right now I can only leave it in God's hands. I know he's in charge.


Shannon