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Forever hopeful

On the 13 December 2005 I went for my sixteen week check-up with the midwife. It was my first pregnancy after nine months of trying. My partner and I were totally delighted and so excited about our future with our baby.

The midwife could not find the heartbeat at the check but we were not concerned because sometimes that can happen. Unfortunately I bled later that day and went to the hospital. There was not fetal heart and my little baby wasn't moving. I was devastated.

Myself and my partner returned the next day and were told our options. One would be to have a D&C, two would be to let the pregnancy end on its own and the third would be to have mifepristone and give birth.

We decided to give birth. On Friday 16 December I gave birth to a tiny little boy and even though it was very difficult, I decided I wanted to see him. The midwife had wrapped him up and he was so tiny. I had a very difficult time but with the help of my friends and my partner I got through.

My partner was amazing and he grieved in the same way as me which was very helpful. I know some men cannot deal or feel they have to be strong but I could not have got through without him.

Last week on 3rd May, having confirmed another pregnancy a few weeks before, I began to have some unusual vaginal discharge and pain. I had lots of different blood tests and scans and have now been confirmed as having another miscarriage. I was 7 weeks pregnant. I don't know how I feel right now. My first baby would have been due on 28th May and I have lost another one now. I feel like I might never have the chance to have a baby. All the sites about miscarriage say it is down to "bad luck".

I don't know how long to wait this time. I am 32 so cannot wait too long. We are forever hopeful that one day we will be holding our baby.

Good luck to all of you.

Fiona

My very 1st experience with pregnancy

I lost my baby at 7 weeks on May 3rd, 2006. It was my very first pregnancy.

My husband and I were so excited... Although my fears of miscarrying were preventing me from spreading my joy, I decided to tell my family. Three days later, I began spotting. WIthin 24hrs, I miscarried at home. I was lucky enough that things happened on their own, and I didn't have to go in for a D & C.

I feel sad... but I have to keep thinking towards the future, and not dwelling on it, because I think being relaxed, and emotionally prepared to become pregnant again is very very very important.

I am just very afraid that I will not conceive again, as soon as I would like to.

Jenny

Jenny

3rd time unlucky

I have had a hard time conceiving over the years. I had a successful pregnancy 12 yrs ago and was blessed with a wonderful son. Not long after I wanted to give him a sister or brother.

Time passed then after months of trying, it happened i noticed signs of pregnancy and rushed off to the hospital and pleasant news was given the doctor said "You're pregnant". I got her to repeat it b/c i was so excited, i took the test home and showed my partner and we celebrated. finally i was going to me a mother once again.

The pregnancy went like i thought it would; had the nauseous feeling, sore breasts, weeing all the time. Then one afternoon i went to the toilet and noticed blood, i freaked, rang the doctor, he made an appt, he just said that it was a threatned m/c, just go home and rest, but as the days passed it got worse and i had heavy bleeding.

i then went to the hospital which was kms away as i lived in the country. I had miscarried and i was 8 wks pregnant, i naturally felt robbed of the experience of being a loving mother again.

I did not think about getting pregnant for a while. Then a couple of years after, i woke up feeling nauseous and my breasts were aching and i noticed that my period was overdue, so anxiously i made a doc's appt. I nervously sat in the waiting room when the doc called me in i told her of my excitement, she did a test and to my shock but happiness i was pregnant once again.

Went home told my partner who was happy and shocked at the same time. The pregnancy took on a normal part of my life. Then 1 time i went to the toilet and noticed blood, tears filled my eyes and i just knew what had happened. Rushed to the doctors, who once again had to tell me i miscarried. i was 10 wks pregnant.

No gentle words or shoulders that i leaned on could console me. I just felt empty, why me, what had i done to deserve this untimely bad luck.

Ne way several years down the track, i have got a new partner who i adore, we decided to try for a baby. A few months passed and no luck. Then to my amazement i woke one morning feeling horribly nauseous and heavy breasts and sensitive to smells and a missed period.

I didnt wanna get too excited. due to past experiences, i didnt wanna get my hopes up. So i waited until i was a week overdue, did a pregnancy test and it was ++++++ and you can imagine my response it was like my luck had finally changed.

Any way u can guess the rest, yes i miscarried on the w/e just gone. I was approximately 7 weeks, i am now 33 so i feel i am running out of time. It doesnt not get any easier, this is my 3rd miscarriage. My partner has been so supportive and helped me thru this somewhat difficult time.

I have a thyroid condition but the doctors seem to think that b/c i get it monitored closely and i take the right medication and it is in normal range then that was not the likely cause of my miscarriage.

I refuse to give up, but now i am going to see a specialist to find out the cause and possibly my partner will be checked out to see if there is any infertility problems. In time it will be right and i am going to keep positive and wait for the miracle baby i wish for.

My advice to any women experiencing a miscarriage, either one or several, the loss is always great. It's ok to grieve, all those little sayings like "It wasnt meant to be" or "At least it happened now and not later" seem to just add to the sorrow and loss that ur feeling. In time it gets a little easier, but you never 4get and no1 should expect u to.

My prayers and thoughts go out to any woman who has experienced a miscarriage no matter how many one or several.

Good luck for the future. Thanx for listening and letting me get that off my mind, it actually helped helps.

Anne

Anne

No Heart Beat

We had just moved in to a brand new house and two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. This baby was not planned but very much welcomed. My husband and I couldn't be any happier. I already loved my life and thought life couldn't get any better; new state, new house, new baby. This was going to be baby #3 for us.

I took 3 home pregnancy tests that day. I couldn't believe I was pregnant.

I had a tiny bit of spotting but it went away. Then I had an ultrasound at 8 weeks and everything looked good. They measured the baby and the saw the heart beat. On my next doctor's appt. I was going to be 13 weeks and was supposed to hear my baby's heart beat for the first time. My 7 year old got sick on Sunday and my appt. was on Monday. I wasn't able to send him to school so I took him to the doctor with me. We were both so excited. He was going to listen to his baby brother or sister's heart. We never got to.

The doctor was not able to find a heart beat. I had an ultrasound done and there was no sign of a heart beat and the baby was smaller; the size of a 9 week old. This was truly the worst day of my life. I could not believe what I was hearing, not only did I have to deal with my loss but my 7 year old heard and was very upset and crying, my husband was out of town training, and we had just moved to a new state were I did not have any friends or family. I felt so alone. I did not want to believe this was it.

I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to make sure. I thought maybe they were wrong or maybe something was wrong with their machine. He sent me to have another ultrasound done the next day to a perinatal specialist's office. I got the same answer. My baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. I thought I was 13 weeks pregnant. Three days later I had a D & C. It was the most awful feeling. Knowing one day everything was great and you were pregnant and the next you're not.

The weekend before my appt. I had just told my husband that we were out of the woods and that a miscarriage was less likely to happen. That weekend I also went shopping for maternity clothes. Clothes that I will not get to wear.

The first couple of weeks I was very sad and angry. I was angry at God for not doing a miracle and making my baby's heart beat again. I kept wondering why this happened. What did I do to deserve this much pain. I was able to get through quite a bit of my pain by reading a book by Dr. James Dobson, When God Doesn't Make Sense. Although, it still hurts.

Some days are better than others. There are days I feel great but there are others I feel the same way I felt that day. There are days I think of how many weeks I would be and wonder what it would have been; a boy or girl.

Some days I wish I could go back to when I found out I was pregnant and have it have a different ending. A happy one.

Diana

Miscarriage in the Middle East

Having found out that we were pregnant last Monday, I started bleeding on Tuesday. We had not been trying to get pregnant and were more than a little shocked at the pregnancy test results but had been toying with the idea of having another baby. We already have 2 beautiful, healthy and totally adorable children, a girl of 6 and a boy of 3.

Many of our friends questioned why we were contemplating a third. But it had for a while now been an unanswered question. We are notoriously bad at making decisions. However, after the initial shock we were totally made up and told our children the news, probably wouldn't have told them quite so soon but I was supposed to be playing rugby at the weekend and didn't want to tell anyone before the kids. With 2 excited children in the know it was not long before quite a few others knew - we also called our families.

The following day just prior to going out shopping, I noticed that I was bleeding - I called my husband, who knew that something was wrong straight away - I had bled from 27 weeks with our first child.

We went straight to the nearest hospital - which did an ultrasound. The Doctor commented that the 'sack' was very small for 7 weeks 3 days and confirmed that there was quite a lot of bleeding. He prescribed some drugs to 'support' the pregnancy and initially said for me to come back in 48 hours. After the results of the blood test, I was asked to come back in the following morning as the HcG levels were dubiously low.

That afternoon we told our children that Mummy and Daddy had made a mistake - trying to avert them from having to deal with the possibility of the baby that they were so excited about dying.

Results from the second blood test confirmed that in the doctor's words 'the pregnancy was not viable'. I was asked to come back later that day to have a d & c. The anesthetist asked a few very general questions: had I had an anesthetic before? Was I allergic to any antibiotics? Nothing about family history, reactions to previous anesthetics. Then he asked me why I was crying - this was just a part of life - it happens every day.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I returned at 3.30 pm that afternoon and things didn't get any better. I was asked to sign a consent form which was blank - when I asked for it to be filled out I was told I was having a d & c. I said that I'd like the procedure to be explained to me before I'd sign consent. The nurse seemed genuinely shocked that I'd not been told what the procedure entailed. She went out of the room and came back some 20 minutes later saying that the doctor was too busy to come and explain it to me; she would explain it over the phone! Her first words were “I told you you're having a d & c".

When I explained that she'd omitted to tell me what this meant and that I didn't know as I'd never undergone the procedure, she went on to explain what was going to happen.

After getting off the phone the nurse once again asked me to sign the consent from. There were still 2 sections blank - and again I refused to sign the form. The now disgruntled nurse left only to return with a very abrupt doctor, who asked me what the problem was?!! I explained that I was not about to sign a form that was designed by the hospital to protect both parties, without it being complete. She completed the form and I signed it.

Some time later I was takien to the operating theatre - the last thing I heard before going in there was the sound of somebody else's baby's heartbeat - obviously devastated, I once again began to cry.

I was wheeled straight into the operating theatre where the theatre nurses, at least, seemed sympathetic. Before I was put to sleep I watched them put the stirrups in place, then they strapped my arms down! I was outraged but did not fight it as I just wanted the procedure to be over. I closed my eyes, said goodbye to my baby and apologised for not being able to take care of it. Then within a few seconds I was asleep.

Not surprisingly I woke up crying and in pain. I could not hold my anger any longer and asked why they'd not given me anything for the pain whilst I was under the anesthetic. I remember the anesthetist saying "Give her some diflofenac." Then I was wheeled back to my room.

An hour later after my husband was pleading with the nurses to get the doctor to discharge me - the doctor who carried out the procedure came into the room. This was only the second time I'd seen him that day - the first time was 5 seconds before I was put to sleep when he told me it would be ok. I told him about my day - and how this terrible situation had been made a hundred times worse by the lack of sensitivity of his staff. I told him not to get them into trouble, but so that no other women had to deal with the same unprofessional treatment I had received.

Fortunately, our other children were staying with some good friends so I was able to cry. Can't remember the last time I cried like that. My husband and I sat on the sofa together having lit candles so as to remember our baby that nearly was.

Thank goodness for a good husband and beautiful children - they have been my strength and my light this week.

For the first time ever - I have taken a week off work and spent some time by myself. As a teacher I couldn't face standing up in front of a class of students and risk losing it in front of them. I have to say it is getting easier, which perversely I feel guilty about. But I'm no longer crying all day long, in fact I have had a couple of days when I haven't cried at all. That is not to say that I'm not sad, I truly wish that I was still pregnant.

But if there is one positive thing to come out of this it is that my husband and I are now sure that we would like another child.

Vanessa