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dominic lost @ 35weeks

I lost my baby boy @35weeks of pregnancy on 10 November 2005 without any problems from the start. I never skipped any prenatal checks, my blood pressure was fine. My last visit was a week before the time and my gynae assured me that all was well.

I felt a slight stomach pain the monday but it dissapeared that evening and didn't think anything of it. I realised the wednesday night that I never felt him kicking but wasn't sure due to the brackston hicks contractions. Thursday morning I went to work, while getting ready to go on maternity leave. I started feeling funny, my fingers went needles and pins and I got very cold and started shaking. My head wanted to explode and I turned blue in the face.

I was rushed to hospital where they took alll the necessary tests, and when they sent me for a scan, I was told there were no heartbeat. I couldn't believe it, I was shattered, I was sent for a ceasarean the next morning, and even after that I started shaking as if I had a seazure. They placed me in isolation to check if I don't have a virus, as my white blood cell count was low.

I was terrified and my emotions were all over the place. It felt like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. We had a postmortem done, but they couldn't determine what the cause was and we had to arrange the funeral. I got scared that they would keep me there and I wouldn't be able to go to the funeral.

Finally they told me the tuesday I was released and without any explanation as to why this happened. At my 6 week checkup, I asked the gynae what virus I had and he said it wasn't a virus, I starting shaking like that cause the baby's heart stopped and my body was poisoned. He said that I can try again as I already have a normal and healthy 4year old and there shouldn't be any tests I should go for.

I still can't make any sense of this, we are still grieving our loss and I am very scared this will happen again, and don't know if there are any tests that I should go for. Like I said, this was my 2nd pregnancy, without any complications from start, and my first child turned 5 today.

marelyn

I can't get over it

I became pregnant in June 2005. We were really happy. So happy looking back. Making plans for the future, with no worries or fear that anything could happen. I thought miscarriages were something that happened to other people, so I wasn't overly concerned when I started bleeding lightly at about 12 weeks. I had read that some slight bleeding was normal. Within 24 hours the beeding worsened. I was so scared as I was on my own and I didn't know what to do. I knew it was a miscarriage, I just sobbed and sobbed. I felt no pain, just numbness.

When my partner got home, I couldn't look at him to break the news, I felt that somehow it was all my fault. My body, my fault. When he found out, he was great, and he insisted that we go straight to the doctor. The doctor examined my cervix and said that it was still closed, so there might be some hope. She booked me in for a scan, but I had to wait about 4 days. In those 4 days, I experienced no more bleeding, and I still felt all the symptoms of pregnancy: tiredness, swollen, sore breasts etc. Over the days, my hope increased as I read around on the Internet about people experiencing similar amounts of bleeding, but going on to have healthy children. Maybe, things were going to be okay.

By the day of the scan, I was almost convinced that things were okay. I was not prepared for that look, those words. My partner accompanied me and held my hand, but the look that the nurses gave each other and the look that she gave me told me the story. She said that there was a foetus, but it didn't have a heartbeat and was only about 8 weeks developed. It felt like my world crashing in, for the second time that week. I just broke down, sobbing my heart out. "Believe me, it was probably for the best," one of the nurses said. FOR THE BEST? HOW? I could have smacked that woman, that was really not what I wanted to be told at that point. I know what she meant, but it was not a very sensitive thing to say. Are they given training on what to say?

I was led to a private room to discuss my options. I was given looks of pity by all the other pregnant women who were waiting for their scans. I was really looking forward to the scan. It should be such a happy time, seeing your tiny baby for the first time, showing the picture to relatives. They all looked really excited and seeing me made them feel uncomfortable and worried about their own circumstances. I was led out of public view to a room where I could really let my grief out. My partner was great, but he didn't really know what to do or say.

They explained my options. As the baby was still inside me, I could have a D&C, some medicine to induce miscarriage, or let it happen naturally. Either way, there was nothing they could do there and then. I hate hospitals and had no desire to go back there, so I opted for a natural miscarriage.

"Will it hurt?" I asked.

"It depends, some women experience, no pain, some women experience a lot of pain," she replied; which was little help at all. "But now you're not pregnant you can have as strong a pain killer as you like! she offered, like this was supposed to be some consolation, like, just think, you'll be able to drink alcohol now!

I went home. We didn't say a word on the way home. My partner said he couldn't stay with me as he'd already taken too much time off. I must admit that pissed me off a bit. I really needed him and didn't want to be alone. "That's okay," I could hear myself saying. I was numb, emotionless and wanted to shut myself away from the rest of the world, but knew that I shouldn't really be on my own.

I went to bed, and as soon as my partner left, I just cried and cried and cried. It was starting to sink in. The importance of it and the things that it changed. The people that I had to tell. Luckily, or unluckily we hadn't really told anybody. On the one hand I was glad that we didn't have to tell many people about the miscarriage, on the other had, everyone else wouldn't understand what was wrong with me. I fell asleep. When I woke up, for a slight second I forgot what had happened then it all came flooding back to me.

I didn't leave the house for days, worried that the 'miscarriage' would start. To have that hanging over you after you are dealing with pregnancy loss is something that I wouldn't wish on anybody. I was trying to grieve, but couldn't because I still had my baby inside me. I still felt pregnant. I must admit, a small part of me thought maybe they'd made a mistake at the hospital. Maybe my baby was still alive. After all, I'd had no more pain or bleeding. I know now that I was in denial.

A few days after that I started bleeding. Just like a regular period, but a bit heavier. "Is this the misscarriage?" I thought. I'd read that it was different for different women. I decided that if it was like this, I would be alright to go to work. I'm a teacher, and I was on summer holiday until that point, but term was about to start and I couldn't really have the start of term off school. It wasn't like I was in any pain and the bleeding wasn't much worse than a period. Nobody at school knew anything about the pregnancy as it had all happened over the holidays.

I went back to school. I found it very difficult. I withdrew myself from social interaction and I know that my colleagues must have thought I was being anti-social. I found that the slightest thing could upset me, but I'd hold it all in until I got home, then I'd let it all out when I was on my own. I know now that I shouldn't have gone back to work so soon.

On the evening of the second or third day back at school, I started having severe stomach cramps. Intermittent waves of pain, and I lost an incredible amount of blood. I took nurofen, but this did nothing to numb the pain. I was in agony. After about 4 hours it passed and I was able to get a decent night's sleep.

In the morning I felt a little better and decided that I would be alright to go to work. At about 11.00 am, these waves started again. I was trying to teach, but was bent double in agony. I kept rushing to the toilet where I would pass extrodinary amounts of blood. It was just flowing uncontollably and I was passing large bits of tissue. Was one of these 'pink bits' my baby? I'm ashamed to say that I fished my hand around the toilet bowl trying to find a recognisable 'blob'. Just to prove that I did have a baby inside me. I was stuck in the toilet, I had to go home, but what would I say to people? Nobody knew anything, I couldn't move for the pain and blood was just dripping down my legs.

Somehow, I managed to compose myself enough to walk into the headteacher's office and tell her everything and that I needed to go home. She is usually not a very sympathetic person, but I was amazed at how she dealt with it. "I've had miscarriages before," she said, "I know what you're feeling."

That really did make me feel better. It helped to know that someone I knew had gone through this, and she had 3 healthy children now. Since the miscarriage, it has amazed me how common they are, but how little prepared I was for one, because they are so secret and nobody talks about them.

My boss insisted that my partner take me to hospital. I was worried because I was losing so much blood and was in so much pain, I was sure that this could not be normal. At the hospital, they assured me that was I was experiencing was 'normal'. I was cross because I hadn't been told it would be this painful! They checked me for anemia and asked me to stay in for the rest of the day to be observed.

Looking back, probably the best thing I could have done would be to have gone home to bed, as I had to sit upright with bloody knickers in a public place for 4 hours, doubling over in pain every few minutes, with people staring at me. I had a third bout of the 'labour pains' the following day. That's the only term that I can think to explain it. I have never been in labour, but I imagine that is what it is like.

I was back at work after a couple of days. Again, looking back, I should have had more time off. I'm a bit cross with my boss, because she knew the situation, but did not insist on me having any more time off. I felt quite pressured to be back.

The next few weeks, months are a bit of a blur. I really don't know what I did. I avoided all social interaction. Several incidents stick out in my mind. One was a trip to IKEA. Everyone seemed to be pregnant or have small children. They were all planning and buying things for babies. I couldn't get away from them. For the first time since it happened, I felt really hatred and anger. Why could they have their babies, but not me?

Since then I still feel a sadness and anger when I see a pregnant woman. I can't stand to be anywhere near them. As not many people knew about it, people often make comments that are upsetting to me, like, "When are you going to have children?" Friends with children make comments like, "You're so lucky not having any children..." It still really hurts. I don't say or do anything at the time, I just wait for a quiet moment and cry by myself.

After the miscarriage, I had to go for a further scan to check that my womb had emptied and there was no infection. This was difficult as they have a separate room for people in my position. I guess so that you don't have to sit with happy pregnant women and they don't have to look at a poor unfortunate like you. Well after the scan, a student nurse asked me to wait in the wrong room. There was a woman and her partner who sat next to me cooing over their scan picture. It was all I could do not to scream at them or run out of the hospital crying.

Christmas was difficult, because I had imagined what it would be like, how pregnant I would be. It was especially difficult as my parents knew nothing of the misscarriage and my dad and his girlfriend had just had a baby boy. Another difficult day was the baby's due date. It's hard not to think about what things could have been like. I just sat and cried that day. It upset me that my partner didn't have any inkling of why that day would be special or why I might be upset, whereas that day had been ingrained on my brain since I had first heard it.

It's now about 8 months since my miscarriage. I'm told that things are supposed to get better. I still think about it loads of times everyday. Little things can remind me, like, 'last time I was here, I was pregnant' etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable all the time. I live a full life, and do not dwell on it too much. Quiet times on my own often make me reflect and remember. I don't get upset that often about it anymore.

I worry about my future fertility, that it could happen again; that I wouldn't be able to cope if it happened again. You hear about women who have multiple miscarriages and I don't know how they cope. I'm just not strong enough. I worry that I'm getting on. I'm nearly 30 which I know is not old, but I thought that I'd have a baby by now. It's upsetting when your younger sister has a child and the parents of the kids that I teach are younger than me.

My relationship with my partner is good and I know that this did upset him too. He was very supportive and we talked about it a lot when it first happened, but have not talked about it for a while. We're both similar people who are quite private and keep things to ourselves. I think he has moved on from the experience, whereas I still feel like I am in the experience. I honestly think that the only thing that will take me out of 'the experience' is to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby. One thing is for sure, if I do get pregnant, it will not be quite such a joyous and carefree experience that it was last time.

It has helped writing everything down. I'm not 'over it' and will never be 'over it', but I know that things would be easier if I shared things more; even if it is just to strangers on the Internet!

Emma

Lost both twins @ 13 weeks

My husband & I decided after being married for about 6 months that we would start trying to get pregnant - I'm 30 & he's 33. We got pregnant our first time trying & were even more thrilled when we found out about 2 months into the pregnancy that we had twins!!!

We went in for our monthly check up (@ 13 weeks) and saw that neither of the twins had a heart beat. Our dr said there was a 2% chance of miscarrying once you hear a heartbeat & the fetus is in the uterus. He had never seen both twins die - usually one will survive but I guess we weren't that lucky.

The next day we had a d&c and I didn't have any complications from that - obviously I cried tons, along w/ my husband, but we made it through it so far - it hasn't even been a week.

Our dr said we should wait 2 periods before getting pregnant again, but I don't want to wait that long. I hope that losing both twins isn't a sign as for what is ahead of us in terms of our pregnancies.

JHem

Empty inside

I am 41, have two girls aged eight and five years. Why would I want another child? Well two years ago, I accidentally became pregnant and it turned out it was twins. At the time, my husband was studying at college, I was the main provider and was working virtually full time and my girls were younger. I just felt I couldn't cope with two more babies and saw my family slipping deeper and deeper into debt if I couldn't work. I had an abortion.

I've never really come to terms with this decision and it's caused me a great deal of grief. Anyway to help overcome this (and with my husband's course drawing to a close), we decided to try for another baby last year. It took three months and I felt very happy when the test was positive. From the start though, the pregnancy just didn't feel right. I wasn't sick and just felt 'normal'. Everyone kept telling me that every pregnancy is different or that I was probably having a boy, but somewhere deep inside I sensed something was wrong.

At 11 weeks I started spotting brownish blood. A scan confirmed there was no baby. Just an empty, slightly dried up sac that had stopped growing at about six weeks. I felt very sad, but able to cope. However a few days later, I started getting serious cramp pain - like labour pains - and started miscarrying. I haemorraged and passed huge clots - like pieces of liver - and ended up losing over two pints of blood and having an emergency D & C.

Afterwards I felt completely empty. The doctor said there was no reason why i shouldn't go on to have another healthy pregnancy and that if I wanted to try again, I should get going because of my age!

For three months my periods were up the creek after the D&C and each time it came on, I felt bereft and full of grief for all the hope and loss, both past and present.

In February 2006, I conceived again, and have been feeling sick and generally OK about this pregnancy, although I've tried to remain cautious. Today though, after a few days of cramps, I went for a scan and the sac looks empty again. This time, I'm giving up. I've had it. I can't put myself through this any more. I feel awful, but - for me - it's time to count my blessings and get on with a babyless life.

D Church

my darling kayleigh-anne

When me and my partner found out i was expecting, we were over the moon like you would be. this was our first child. we did not tell any one until we got the results back from the doctors. We told everyone when i was about 11 weeks as we were just too excited. i stopped smoking and drinking as well.

I was having a good pregnancy - no sickness just tired all the time. i was going for my 2 u/scan. i was 21week 5 days. we were to find out the sex of our baby but when my partner looked at the screen, his look on his face was enough to tell me that something was not right.

the doctor had to go and get a nurse to confirm what was on screen. they told me my baby had died at 17 weeks and that i had a missed miscarriage . I was in total shock. i did not want to believe what i was just told. the doctor then told me that i would have to delivery the baby.

i went home that night and i screamed and cried. we had to tell everyone that our baby had died and we did not know why. both our parents came to comfort us.

the next day i had went into hospital and 10hrs later i gave birth to a little girl that was no bigger than my partners hand. she looked like she was sleeping peacefully curled up in a ball.

when you deilver a baby, you listen for it to cry. i did not hear that sound. all i heard was me crying and when i left hospital empty handed that was the worse day of my life. we had her blessed and had a funeral which has helped us move on but i will never forget her.

i have found that talking to other women on the forum pages has help me a lot. god bless every woman on here for their help and support.

we love you Kayleigh-Anne always and forever until we met again. RIP Xxx love mummy and daddy.

joanne