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My Loss

Hi, my name is Nelly. I recently suffered the loss of my little girl, and I just wanted to share my story.... 2008 wasn't the best year for me, it wasn't the worst either. I lost my job at the end of July and was kind of down, but, I have a son that wasn't quite 1 years old yet at the time so me and my husband decided i should try the stay at home mom thing. And I did, and I loved it, I got to spend such much more time with my son, I couldn't be happier. But around Sept I noticed something just wasn't right with me. I had become very fatigued and was eating way more than usual, I thought it was just from me being in the house all the time. so one day I was on my way to my mother in laws house and just out of nowhere decided to stop and buy a pregnancy test, noone was at my mother in laws house so I took the test there..it was positive, I was pregnant again. I was shocked, I didn't really expect for the test to be positive. I called my usband and told him the news, he wasn't excited, but, he wasn't mad either. We both were kind of in shock, we had a son who was about to turn 1 yrs old in a month, and here I was pregnant again. This was not planned at all, and seeing that I had just lost my job we didn't know what we were going to do. I went to the clinic just to have them confirm everything, and they did. So we decided to just roll with the punches after about 2 months of me denying to myself I was pregnant. Slowly but surely I started getting excited about having another baby, I wanted a girl so bad!!! I went to the doctors in Jan to find out the sex and they told me i was having a boy. I was disappointed it wasn't a girl, but,happy he was healthy...or so we thought. Feb '08 I'm now 6 months pregnant, and I had been very sick, I was vomitting up everything, I couldn't even keep water down. So one day I was really sick and decided to drive myself to the ER. They checked me in and immediately started an iv, b/c I was so dehydrated. They went to monitor the baby's heartbeat and at first they couldn't find it. Eventually they did, and even though it was a strong heartbeat they decided to keep me over night due to the dehydration and throwing up, they scheduled me for a sonogram the next day b/c they wanted to make sure the baby hadn't gotten the cord wrapped around his neck due to me throwing up so much. I thought to myself,well he has a strong heartbeat so nothing could be wrong right...WRONG...the next day when I went for my sonogram i should have known right away there was something wrong. The tech was taking too many ultrasound pictures, ofcourse she couldn't tell me anything, so she left the room to go discuss my ultrasound with the doctor. About 30 minutes later, the doctor walked in and sat down next to me, and said the one thing no mother ever wants to hear..he told me my child was seriously sick and severe health problems and wouldn't make it. He told me my son was growth restricted and had extra fluid under his skin, around his heart, brain, kidneys, had an enlarged liver and a heart problem. My whole world came crashing down at that very moment, mind you I'm at the hospital by myself getting this news. I couldn't speak, I couldn't do anything but cry as the nurse wheeled me back to my room. I cried so much, my heart hurt so bad, and by the time I had gotten back to my room all the nurse seem to have heard I was going to lose my baby, b/c they all were apologizing and offering words of encouragement. The on call doctor decided to discharge me that night since I was feeling better adn wasn't dehydrated anymore. They gave me the name of this really good specialist who only deals with high risk pregnancy, and told me to call him and set up an appt for the next day. Well I did and I went to see him, after he did any ultrasound he said my son had sever hydrops, which caused all the extra fluid, but, they didn't know why he had stopped growing. The doctor said he didn't think my son would survive outside the womb, he didn't even think he would make it much longer as a matter of fact. So he suggested an amniocentesis test and an autopsy when the baby did pass away. So I had the test done..everything was normal!! They still couldn't figure out what caused this. I went home with the knowledge my baby could die any day. March rolls around, i'm going on 7 months and everything the doctors told me hasn't comet true!! My son was doing fine,he had a really strong good heartbeat, and he was so active. Then one day, Mar.17, 2009 to be exact I didn't feel my baby moving, but he was sitting so low, I thought everything was fine, but, as I was talk to areally good friend of mine who was at my house at the time, I got more and more anxious b/c I hadn't felt the baby. So after a few hours of debating I decided to go to the ER. I had my son and my husband was at work so my friend took me so she could look after my son for me. I was so sure we'd be out of the hospital in an hour or so, I was not expecting there to be anything wrong. They tried to find my son's heartbeat but couldn't, but since by this time they knew who I was at the ER and they knew my baby was kind of hard to monitor b/c he moved around so much and b/c of the way he was positioned. But after 20 minutes they decided to do a sonogram to see if they could see his heartbeat...they couldn't, they did 2 more sonograms before they finally confirmed that my son was already dead. I was in shock again..I couldn't cry, scream, do anything, it was like a bad dream. While they were checking me I called my son's godfather who also works with my husband and asked him to tell my husband what was going on and that he needed to come to the hospital. And he was there in 30 minutes. He looked so tired and beat,(he works for GM on the assembly line) and then I had to tell him they were going to induce me b/c our baby was dead. That was so hard, i finally cried when I told him that. I've never seen him so hurt before, it was so hard. They started giving the meds to induce my labor at midnight and gave it to me every 4 hrs, and at 630 the next evening I had my child. We held the baby, "he" was so tiny, but you coulld tell where the extra fluid had built up under the baby's skin. They took my baby away after a little bit to do an autopsy, and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the next day as I'm getting ready to be discharged from the hospital, they bring me a memory box that they have made at the hospital for me. I open it and the very first thing i see is a card with the baby's info on it. And the first line read "BARBER, BABYGIRL" I was so crushed, me and my husband, this whole time we thought I was having a boy and I was actually having a girl, and when I had the baby, she was so undeveloped that we couldn't tell the sex, we thought it was a boy still. That just seemed to break my heart even more. We named her ESSENCE MARIE, she was born March 18, 2009. 13.2 oz and 9 1/4 in. long.
So we decided to haev her cremated and were going to keep her at home with us, it has been a week since i had her, and I am still in shock, sometimes I blame myslef, how could this happen, especially to me. I'm so distraught at times I don't know if I'll ever get pregnant again..it won't be anytime soon I know that. Tomorrow we go view Essence's body one more time at the funeral home, then they are going to cremate her. It is so hard, but,I know everything happens for a reason and God knows best. I don't know why He took my child away but, I know and believe He has a good reason for doing it, and right about now knowing that she is with Him ia the only thing bringing me any kind of comfort right now.

Essence mommie loves you and I'm so sorry I diidn't get the chance to know you or hold you, or sing to you, but, just know we will be together again. We will always love, cherish, and miss you! Love- Mommie, Daddie, & Braylen

Shanelle

Baby lost

You were the mornings when I woke,
The darkness when I turned out the light.

You were the lightness in my step,
The twinkling in my eye.

You were the beating of my heart,
Aliveness drumming through my body.

You were the smile on my warm lips,
My hopes, shining like stars.

You were my dreams come to life,
My fears turned to reality.

You are the tears in my eyes,
I feel empty without you.

You are my broken heart,
Which beats out of rhythm.

I loved you then, as much as I love you now,
Till we meet again, forever mum.

23 March 2009

Claire

number 4

My name is Jules, I am 24 years old. I have been with my husband for over 5 years, but married two. Ever since we knew we were meant to be we have always discussed kids. That is what i wanted more than anything to be a mom. Before we got married i was late on my period, so i took a test and it was positive. So i went to the doctor, and they took blood tests, the next day i started my period, and the doctor called and informed me that i was only a couple weeks along. not thinking much of this i knew it was for the best and focused on our upcoming wedding. A month after we got married i was pregnant again, but at 7 weeks i woke up and had severe cramping and bleeding, i knew then that i had miscarried. About 6 months later we tried again, and got pregnant, this time i wasn't very positive because of the last outcomes. So my doctor did an early sonogram and there was no heartbeat. So at 8 weeks I went through a D & C.(not pleasant I might add.) Now with no hope I knew it would be awhile before we could try again. Six months after that was new years and i had vowed to quit all my vices,(drinking and eating healthier) so that when we did want to try again my body would be ready. I lost 16 pounds and was feeling great, then my boobs started hurting and i knew instantly that i was pregnant again. This time it felt right, I was going to be due in October (the month i meet my husband and when we got married) so i knew it was meant to be. At the first doc. appointment he did an early sonogram, and to my amasment THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT, and it was beating strong. So a month later i was 11 weeks we had our next app. Feeling as everything was great i was excitied for my husband to see and feel the joy of creating another life and it beating inside of me. But our biggest fears came true. Not only was there no heartbeat the fetus was the size of 6 weeks. I was in shock, how could this be happening for the 4th time? So i underwent another D&C so they could test the tissue. And now i wait, not only am i deeply saddend by this tragedy, I have no hope for the future. Even if i get pregnant again if i have another loss, i won't be able to handle it, i still dont see myself getting through this one. People try to understand but it is hard for them to feel the pain of something dying inside you, it is the worst feeling i have ever had and i dont wish this pain on anyone. I just wish that everyone who has been blessed with a child knows how lucky they are, and that there are women that would love to be in your shoes, so please take great care of them.

Jules

only god....

this is my story on how i loss my first child..... we found out that we was have our first child . you think thats a joy right.. everthing was good great i was getting big and the baby started to maked.. it was the life i always want it.. we had our own place , we was high school sweet hearts.. then we got the news when i was 6 months that our little girl had O.N.T(OPEN TUBE DIF..) we didnt know what that was tell i looked it up online and read about.. my heart fall.. i tryed to go full trem but i got realy sick.. and the doctor told me that i had to give our child up..so on january 31,08 i with in and to give birth on feb1 to a beauitful little girl.. her dad named her Laila Ar'ie'-Renne Matin she fight for two hours and when home to be with god at 9:20 am.. we miss her very much.. but a year later we find out we have another baby.. god has bless us..

Jules

story of my loss

Me and my husband have been TTC for five and a half years. In July 2008 I finally became pregnant. I scheduled an appointment with an OBGYN around the middle of August for my first appointment. We were so excited because we have been wanting a child for so long. When I went for my appointment, the doctor examined me and said that I had a little brown discharge. She wanted me to schedule a u/s to make sure everything was ok. She said since it was not red blood that it might have been normal. I was six weeks pregnant. The earliest appointment I was able to get was four days later. The day that I was supposed to get my u/s, I woke up early that morning from severe pain in my lower abdomen. I ran to the bathroom and I was bleeding pretty heavy. I rushed to the hospital, my mother-in-law drove me because I was too upset, where my husband works. Before I was finished admitting myself he was already there to be with me. They brought me to a room where they took urine, blood and the doctor examined me. When the doctor examined me he said that my cervix was larger than it should be for only being six weeks pregnant and that my cervix was closed. The sent me for a u/s, which I had to wait for three hours. That was the longest three hours I have ever experienced. First they did an abdominal scan and then a vaginal scan, in which they said they did not see anything not even a baby. The doctor then told me that I might not be as pregnant as I thought I was and I was only threatening a miscarriage. They gave me a shot, because I’m rah negative and sent me home. About four hours later I passed my baby. I was so upset because the hospital gave me hope that everything might be ok. So I went back to the hospital. They didn’t even examine me, they just said "Sorry for yall loss here is a prescription for pain." They sent me home and told me to come back if I had a lot of bleeding. It has been seven months since my miscarriage and I still get upset. I also still have pains in my left side that I have been having ever since the miscarriage. I have been TTC ever since the miscarriage, but no luck yet. Sorry for everyone’s loss!

Heather