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Heartbroken

Trying to cope with the loss off an amazing little boy who weighed 7lbs 3 ouces. How do most women do it? Is it possible to hold a crying baby again after that/ These are all questions i'm looking for some answers on.

Heartbreak

I'm 25 yrs old and was pregnant for the first time. I was extremely excited. We had concieved by a donor the first time around. I felt great. we got to see the heartbeat when they dated me at 5wks. 7 days. I've always wanted to be a mother. I took my vitamins daily, cut back on my overtime so that I could get plenty of rest, and ate right. we went to my 8 wk appt. and they asked how I was feeling. No problems was my answer. 2 weeks later on Oct 20,2008 at 10 wks. I started spotting, I knew deep inside that I was losing my baby. I called my doc and she told me to take the day off and to schedual an ultrasound at the office the next morning. We got to the docs, went in for the ultrasound, and was asked to wait in a room. The doc came in and confirmed what I had already had known. She told me the baby had stopped growing at 6wks. 3d. I had never felt so heartbroken in my entire life. My partner and I cried right there in the office. My doc was really great. The dont go striaght for D&C's where i go. I was given a script for Cytotec and told to come back that friday if i didnt pass it naturally. Unfortunantly I had to get the pills inserted. That weekend was the worst. I couldn't even look at baby things. I wondered what I had done wrong to lose my baby. It has been two months and my body has gone back to normal. I am told that I can start trying again if we want. I continued to take my vitamins for the needed nutrients. My donor is great and said he is ready when we are. I still keep track in my mind of how many weeks i would have been. This month I would have found out my baby's sex. It still hurts, I will never forget. i am scared as hell of getting pregnant again. I know we will try...but i will be extremely cautios this time. I dont know if my heart can handle this again. my partners mother told me that God never gives more then u can handle. I hope she is right. I love my partner and am very thankful she has been very suportive through all of this. I needed her. We will always remeber u lil one. Mommy and I love u!!!

Christmas Eve Sadness

My husband and I were blessed to have a little boy December 2007. His name is Austin, and he has been a constant joy in our lives. My pregnancy with him was wonderful, I felt better than I'd ever felt in my life. When we found out we were pregnant again in October 2008, we didn't even pause. No, it wasn't planned. But we were excited to welcome another baby into our lives. We thought they would be close and best friends. At our first drs. appt., the np told me that i would need to stop nursing immediately to give the new baby the nutrients it needed. I felt guilty about taking away from my first baby, and just started slowly weaning him. I thought I ate enough for both of them, and I took my vitamins. This pregnancy seemed like it was going to be just as easy as my first. We got to see the heartbeat at eight weeks, which made me feel very secure in the fetus' health. We had a scheduled appt. Christmas Eve for a routine checkup, and to hear the heartbeat on the doppler. I thought I was 13 weeks along and smooth sailing. Our Dr. couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler. She said that this was normal, and that the baby was probably hiding under my pelvic bone. We calmly walked to the ultrasound room, chatting about possibly finding out the baby's gender early, even names we had picked out. When we got to the room, everyone was still in high spirits. We knew that this baby must have been just as wiggly as Austin, who also hid from the Doppler a few times. What happened next, horrified us. She said that there was no cardiac activity and that it didn't even look like the baby had grown much since the 8th week exam. What?!!! How could this be? I hadn't had any spotting or cramps. My belly bump had been steadily growing week to week. My husband and I just sobbed and sobbed. To find this out, and on Christmas Eve no less. We scheduled the D & C for the following week with a follow up ultrasound with the tech. I didn't want to get another ultrasound. Even though we knew the baby had died, seeing its lifeless body again would cement the truth, and eliminate any hope (albeit false hope) that we had left. I was brave for everyone else, put on a happy face, and trusted that there must have been something wrong. This was just making room for a baby that was supposed to be born. It wasn't two weeks after that my real grief started. Everytime I absentmindedly went about my pregnancy routine; lotioning my belly, taking my prenatals, patting my belly i would break down. I also felt guilty even though I knew it was misplaced. I had gone down the slide with my son at the playground. Could that have jarred the baby? I had kept on nursing my son. Did that take away vital nutrients from the baby? Did I irresponsibly get pregnant before my body was ready? The list went on and on. I know that this will take a while to cope with. And I know that I will have another baby someday. But I wanted this one, and it didn't happen. In the meantime, I am going to let myself heal mentally and physically. I will not try to get pregnant again for at least 5 months, and not before I am ready. I hope that my story helps someone else going through the same thing. God bless everyone, and thank you for letting me share.

Samantha

Elijah David

On Mother's Day weekend in 2008 We were overjoyed and overwhelmed to learn the news and spread the joy that we were going to be parents! For 30 weeks we went to our doctor's appointments without fail, each time being told that the baby was great. At one ultrasound, the ultrasound technician told us that our Eli was "dancing." On November 25th our lives changed forever. We went in for what we thought was going to be a normal appointment, check my blood pressure and weight, hear his hearbeat, measure my belly and go. It ended up being the start of the worst two days of our lives. When we learned that our precious son had no heartbeat. We were later told that we had lost him about one week prior. Our beautiful son Elijah David Gray was stillborn on November 26th 2008. He was and is so loved. The only comforting thing about us not having him, is that God does. And how amazing it is to have someone we created, a part of us, in heaven.

Eli's Mommy

Two Tubals within Five Years

Talk about "it just wasn't meant to be," I thought it would never happen to me. I had my first child 19 years ago no problems. I had my second child 16 years ago again no problems, not even a urinary tract infection or early contractions or any other complications. The day after I gave birth to my 16 year old, I had a procedure do to prevent future pregnancies, my '' tubes were tied." Little did I know about this procedure, all I knew was I could not get pregnant again. At this time in my life I was a first time mother at the age of 18 and second time mother at 21 years old and I didn't need any more children.

Nine years later it seemed as if I woke up one morning and was in pain like no other, sick, vomiting, fever, and swollen all over. Come to find out since my pain was in my lower stomach I thought it was cramps but I wasn't on my period. I went to the local Planned Parenthood and for some strange reason took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I freaked out, the sent me straight to the hospital and injected me with Demarol and off to stick this long round tube looking thing inside of my vagina. I don't remember much but sleeping on and off the next four days.

Four and a half years later, another tubal pregnancy. All I remember is I had a few pains in my lower stomach for a few days thinking it might be cramps again but no, it had ruptured( the left tube again).

At 2am that morning I had emergency surgery again. I really haven't had time to grieve with a busy life and busy teenagers around the house, when do I deal with it? Thanks for any comments or questions.

Kristi Grayson