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Trying but not succeeding

Everything was fantastic until the morthology scan at 19 weeks where we were told our baby had a tumor growing on her brain and probably wouldn't survive full term pregnancy and if she did she would be born with severe cerebral palsy and would not survive for more than a few hours. We then terminated our pregnancy-went through induced labor at 20weeks.

We both got to hold our little girl (Kate) and I tell you it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She was so beautiful.

7 months later we fell pregnant again and miscarried at 6 weeks. And 3 months later fell pregnant again and miscarried yet again at 6 weeks. We do want to try again but are so drained by the losses and wondering why this is happening?? We have both been tested for lots of things but have all come back clear.

I wish you all good luck and can relate to the heartache and confusing feelings we all have to go through.


Lizzy

my baby is gone

I found out that I was pregnant 02/01/07 and I was so happy. I tried to call my husband at work to tell him the great news could not get hold of him and then after 1 hour I get a phone call from his doctor with his test results and I found out that he has skin cancer, which just broke me down.

From that moment I did not know what to do to. I did not know if I should be happy or what should I do because I just wanted to die at that moment but I had to stay strong for him when he finds out and for our 3 1/2 years old daughter and now for my unborn baby. So we focused more on me being pregnant and start telling everyone that we are expecting but 2 weeks after I started to spot and I went to see my doctor and he told me that is probably nothing because I don't feel any cramps so he told me to just take it easy so I did but my spotting would not stop it would go on and off for the next few week.

I went to ER because I just new that there was something wrong. So when I went to the ER they did some blood tests and everything was ok but they wanted me to come next morning for ultrasound and that's when they told me that my baby died at 6 weeks and I was 11 weeks at that time and my world crushed down for the 2nd time in less then 2months I was devastated. Doc from the ER call my OB/GYN and they said I am going to need D&C done so me and my husband were crying all the way to the hospital and asking God what else he has in store for us because we are not sure how much we can take.

I spent the night in the hospital with my husband at my side had the D&C done that morning. I felt so empty and so sad that I have to go home in my maternity clothes even I’m not pregnant any more. When I came home I found out that my friend had her baby via C section at the same time when I had my surgery which made me happy for her but even more sad for me because I did not have chance to bring my baby home.

I felt that I’m being punished for something that I did. It was even harder for me to spend time with my daughter but I’m starting to deal with everything because I understand that it was god's plan for us it's hard but we can't do much there. I would like to have another baby but now I’m not sure how I would deal with it if it happens again.

This kind of loss only a mother can feel so my heart goes to all of you.


almira

I still love him

Hello...My name is Tara, I'm 30 years old and unmarried. If you're reading this you've probably recently experienced one of the most life altering and devastating things a woman can ever experience...losing a child.

I will start my story by saying....although it seems it never will....THE PAIN WILL CEASE!!! You will never forget your baby, but rather than crying every time you think of him you will soon be able to smile at the thought of him.

I have never know a pain so deep and wrenching but it does cease. I often wonder what my 'Mooter' would have been like. He's my own personal Angel!! I'm still so blessed to have had him even if not for as long as I would've liked.

Now....my story...

I have always had a perfect 28 day menstral cycle so I knew 2 days after my missed period that I was pregnant. Just 8 weeks previous I was in my Gyn's office discussing the fact that I was 30 with no children and considering having some fertility tests done. My Gyn ordered a full work-up on me including x -rays to check for cysts and fibroids. I had both. Both, she said, are very small and would not answer for me not ever being pregnant. She said I was perfectly 'able' to conceive and boy was she right!

2 days after my missed period I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. Immediately I dropped to my knees and said a prayer with tears in my eyes! I promised God to raise my child to love and honor him. I promised that for giving me the most wonderful miracle of them all I would give him my child's life in return. I never thought God would take that promise literally (grin).

I was at an OB's office 2 days after I knew I was pregnant. I chose the best hospital in my area (or so I thought) to care for me during my pregnancy.

I went to every appointment and called my mid-wife every time I felt anything 'abnormal'. I was always told that 'it's perfectly normal'. I had CRAZY morning sickness that was more liek all-day sickness and I experienced daily cramps that felt like very mild menstral cramps. I complained about the cramps to my mid-wife almost everyday (by calling the 24 hour OB line). I was always told that the cramps were due to my uterus expanding and it was 'normal'.

At 10 weeks.... One day I came home from work and undressed for a shower. I sat and began to use the toilet but noticed that I was finished urinating but still felt a liquid pouring down. I was relaxed so at first this extra liquid did not startle me. After seconds it finally registered to my brain and I jumped up from the toilet. Just as I did a bloody clot dropped from me. It was the size of a half-dollar. I immediately began to panic ...without even cleaning myself up I pulled my pants back up ran out my front door, jumped in my and drove to the ER. Once ther I called my OB's office to report what was going on. They seemed rather unconcerned. After registering in the ER I was told by the triage nurse that because I was only 10 weeks pregnant this wasnt considered to be an emergency and I should see my OB the next day! They said they werent equipped to do an ultrasound to confirm or deny that I had had a miscarriage. I left heartbroken.

The very next morning I was at my OB's office. They did an ultrasound. As the technician slid the scope around looking for my tiny baby I was crying, fearing the worst. Then she said....'busy lil' something aint it!'. I opened my eyes to look at the monitor and I could see this little thing flipping around like a little tadpole! My baby was very much alive! I've never been so happy and elated in all my life. I left there and went to the nearest baby store to shop for furniture. On this day I welcomed my morning sickness! In fact I loved my mrning sickness!! My joy would be short lived though.

At 14 1/2 weeks I was at my grandfather's retirement party and started having extremely bad cramps in my lower abdomen. They weren't constant though. It would hit me and last for a few minutes then stop and were so strong that I would double over or go to my knees when it started. Of course I called the nurses 24 hour line at my OB's office. I was told that it could be Braxton-Hicks and to go to the ER if it persisted for more than 2 days. I didnt make it though the night! At around Midnight I was helping my Grandma put things away from the party earlier that day. I was standing still and suddenly a warm (almost hot) gush of fluid went running down my thighs. It was enough to soak my jeans. I in a panic immediately dropped to my knees and began to clench my thighs together really tight. My grandma called 911. I knew what had just happened. I said "Granny, I'm losing my baby". She held my hand and rubbed my back and just said "You'll be ok".

At the hospital they confirmed hat my amniotic sak had ruptured and that my baby could not live. They sent me for an ultrasound to see if he'd already died. He hadn't, the technician showed me his very strong heartbeat on the monitor. When the doctors came to me I begged that they do anything they could to save him....he was still alive! I was told that nothing could save him at 14 1/2 weeks. They told me that although he had a strong heartbeat it was merely a waiting game.....they were waiting for him to die so that they could "vacuum" the fetal materials and clean my womb. In fact here was a medication they were going to give me to speed his death along. I went balistic!! I demanded that they leave him alone unless he would cause a risk to my own life. They said he would after a day or so and they werent willing to take such a risk. My only other option was for them to give me a drug that would enduce natural labor and to give birth to him knowing he wouldnt/couldnt survive the process. I accepted this option.

I gave birth to him. He weighed less than a pound but had all his limbs in tact including 10 little fingers and 10 toes! His skin was clear. The nurses warned me before allowing me to see him that he wouldnt look like a 'normal' baby. But he did to me. He was beautiful to me! I kissed him and held him as if he were alive. I love him soooooo much!!!

He will always be my 'Mooter'! I will love him ALWAYS!!!
About an hour ago, 1 day late for my menstral, took a pregnancy test......It's positive. I am afraid. I am guilty for being pregnant again because I never want to 'replace' my 'Mooter'. But most of all I am elated!

Never give up hope! You're heart and body will heal.

Tara

NO movement for 3 days now

I am in the 21 weeks...had not felt the baby moving for 3 days, so went to hospital. Nurse could not find a heartbeat with the Doppler....

The resident used the portable ultrasound machine and said he could not see a heartbeat...Finally, the doctor came in and, using another ultrasound type machine, said he may have seen a heartbeat, but ordered an ultrasound to confirm...

The ultrasound is tomorrow and I won’t get results for 2 days after.


clare

loosing my baby

I am 18 years old and I just lost my first baby. It was the worst thing that could ever happen to me I already new what I was having and I started buying things for the baby. I went to my regular doctor appt and they didn’t see my baby’s heart beat. My heart fell to the floor. I never wanted a baby sooo much.

A few days later I went in to do more tests and still no heart beat so the doctor set me up for a d & c and that was the worst. They were taking my baby away...that baby was moving and the heart was beating and a few days later it wasn’t. I didn’t understand.

I still don’t understand, but things are getting better. I just feel empty and sad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about that baby and I will forever it’s my angel.

I try to think God needs the baby more then me and he has plans for her...


Stephanie