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Never thought this would happen to me...

Here's my story...

May 20, 2006 Took a HPT at lunch time and found out I was pregnant. So excited! And in shock- I couldn't believe that my lifelong dream was coming true! All these years of trying NOT to get pregnant, and here we are, expecting our first.

June 2, 2006 Head to my family doctor to confirm the news. Yes! We are indeed pregnant with a due date of February 5, 2007. My husband and I are buzzing with excitement and can't wait to tell our bestfriends that are three weeks pregant ahead of us.

June 5, 2006 Leave for work. I'm a flight attendant for a national airline and I'm due to be gone for five days. Feel great, better than I thought I would be about flying pregnant. Get to our final destination that night. I sleep for two hours than wake up with major anxiety. Something doesn't feel right. I have no pain though so I think I'm just being irrational. I just have this overwhelming sense of not wanting to be there, in that hotel room, that far away from home. I don't sleep for the rest of the night.

June 6, 2006 Get to our second layover city and I crash for about three hours. My body doesn't feel the same as it did 4 days ago. My breasts aren't as tender... I phone my BF who tells me this can happen, every pregnancy is different. Chalk it up to being "extra sensitive" and go to bed feeing hopeful.... but not right.

June 7, 2006 Up early and flying into the opposite direction of where I live. I go to the bathroom and see a little bit of blood. I get off the airplane at the next stop and get a day hotel room while I wait for the five and a half hour flight home later that evening. I phone my BF and she tells me, once again, that it could totally be normal. She had bleeding at the beginning of her (normal) pregnancy. Again, my breasts don't feel as sensitive. Get on the flight home and nothing more happens. I get home about 9pm and am talking to my husband.(He is out of town with work.) He keeps telling me to stop stressing out and that I may be doing worse to our baby by having all that anxiety. I know that I am right, though- something is definitely not right. He tells me to have a nice shower and get some sleep as I have a dr's appt the next day. He phones me back in five minutes saying that our friend is coming to pick me up to take me to the hospital. He is more worried than he initially showed and he cannot hide it anymore. He has also told his work that he needs to get home ASAP. My friend and I get to the hospital and wait 4 hrs till I get examined.
The doctor and nurse make me feel better. When they first took my blood pressure it was off the charts, now, after telling me that my cervix is closed & there's not much blood & no cramping, there is a large chance that I'm still pregnant, my BP is now normal. I try to get some sleep as I have to wait four hrs till I have an ultrasound to confirm this.

June 8, 2006 Get up from my middle of the night nap and use the washroom. I look down and see clotting and blood. I feel like I'm flushing away a piece of me. I immediately begin to cry. It sucks, my husband is trying so hard to get back home, but they can't get him here till 3pm. I am alone in this horrible smelling hospital with no one around. I just want my husband. I don't want to call my friends, I don't wan to speak to another doctor.
I go for my U/S and the doctor comes into the room after it is done and tells me calmly that my uterus is empty. Just like that. I begin to cry and they tell me that I am young, there will be many more chances. I get put into a wheelchair in the hallway where I sit for forty minutes contemplating what has just happened to me. Feels like forever till a porter comes and gets me to take me back to my room.
I get back to my room and the nurse tells me that this is it. I get dressed and begin to cry again. Only then does this second nurse actually stay and try to comfort me. She also tells me that one of my BFs has tracked me down at the hospital and is coming to get me.
Its a gross day out, rainy and dark. It was so sunny and hopeful the day we found out we were expecting... so this weather seems very appropriate. My husband finally gets home and he holds me for awhile.
I'm trying really hard to take the positives out of this whole situation. Its difficult though. I thought I had control over my body. I guess we don't as much as we think we do... or maybe our bodies are so much more intelligent than we know... it knows when something isn't right and can purge it naturally.
I don't know. But this is my story so far. I hope one day in the near future I'll be writing a story under the category of "Healthy Newborns". As well, everyone who takes the time to read this, I'll be praying for you as well. This is a bump in the road we call life.... right?

Sunny

Not Again

I am sitting at my computer reading all these stories and I cannot help but cry. I have just suffered my second miscarriage both at the same stage 5 1/2 weeks, I only really just found out I was pregnant and was getting used to that for it all to be taken away from me once again.

I cant help but feel it must be something that I do wrong for it to happen again.

All I can do is sit and wait for nature to take its course but no matter how early on the pregnancy it is still a horrible feeling to lose that little baby that was growing inside you and would have been so loved.

Tracy

I Dont Know How To Feel.....

I don't really know where to begin, but I just came upon this site and I think it may help me to kind of get out what I am feeling (kind of like a journal).
I just had a miscarriage two days ago. I woke up in the morning feeling great. It was my birthday, and my day was going good. I had just turned 8 weeks pregnant. That afternoon I started experiencing some bleeding...it was very light...but it was enough to scare me. I instantly drank a whole bunch of milk and layed down kind of in a panic hoping the milk and me laying down would make my baby feel better and it would just stop. I had had a dream about 4 nights before that I had a miscarriage.....it was a pretty disturbing dream and kind of scared me..but it was just a dream so I didn't think to much more about it...but then..... all I could think was that my nightmare was coming true.
My docters office was closed so I called a telehealth place. They told me not to worry and it was normal in the first 20 weeks to bleed a little, and my friend also told me the same thing happened to her (her body was just cleaning itself out of old blood) and she ended up to have a healthy baby boy...so I calmed down for the most part. My boyfriend took me out for dinner that night for my birthday, and then we came home and layed down right away. Later on that night I started getting pretty bad cramps and the bleeding was getting much heavier. So I instantly went to the hospital. I was in the waiting room for about an hour when I got a really bad cramp, and I went to the bathroom.......and there it was...my nightmare had come true.
I wasn't exactly sure what to think but I instantly went into a panic. They put me in a room right away and began all there tests. Their blood tests showed that all my levels in my blood showed that I was still pregant...but they were not sure so I had to wait for an ultrasound....I got my hopes up a little thinking maybe I didn't have a miscarriage. My boyfriend and I were at the hospital all night for them to finally say the next afternoon after my ultrasound that I had had a full miscarriage...there was no apparant sign of anything inside me anymore.
I couldn't, and still can`t grasp the fact that what I was actually holding in that bathroom was my baby, that had no chance at life whatsoever. I was absoltely devestated....and so was he. He is being very strong for me, and I couldn't ask for anything more from him. If he wasn't there with me through all this I just dont know how I would even manage to try and deal with all of this. He is just absolutely amazing, and I am trying really hard to be strong for him to. It's just really hard to deal with becasue I didn't think that I could have kids, and then I actually became pregnant for my first time...and I was just so excited. All of my family and friends were really excited too. I feel very sad, and full of anger becasue I just dont understand why my body couldn't keep my baby safe. Everyone keeps telling me there will be other chances, and I know there will be eventually.....I just really wanted this one though. I just feel like I have put everyone through this for nothing it seems like. I got everyone excited just to let them all down, and I cant even control it.
It's very aggravating becasue I know there was nothing anyone could do to stop it....It's just hard trying to understand why....and trying to figure out how to make this empty feeling go away, becasue I just hate feeling so sad and lost, and part of me thinks I should just try and act happy around everyone becasue they are acting happy for me....It's just really hard to grasp this whole situation, and my heart truly goes out to everyone who experiences a death of an unborn, or born child............ Now, with experience of both within my family...it's defenitly a major grieving process.....this time its me doing the gieving, ....and I'm having a really hard time with it all......I just hope my hunny and me can make it through. One thing I am slowly learning is that even though all I want to do is lay in bed and cry all day..... my friends and family are the best people we can be around right now to help us through our loss...I don't think I will ever get over this.....I just need this very sad feeling to go away.

Angela

My Loss- Sharing My Story

I'm sitting here at 4:00am, reading over and over some information on pregnancy loss or miscarriage, but no information seems to be good enough to make me feel better. I just feel like sitting here crying all night and writing to help me air out my emotions just trying to be honest to myself and trying to reflect what I'm feeling to speed up my recovery. I feel pretty devastated, tired, haven't slept much, haven't eaten much and feel not only phisically but emotionally depressed. I just feel like if I were hit by a bus.

Although everybody is being comprehensive , I have to admit I feel nobody seems to understand what I'm going through. I've tried hard to behave as if everything is fine, with lots of up's & down's, and I know things aren't well. Not only has a piece of my heart been stolen, but going through profound hormonal adjustments makes me feel pretty volatile. Actually, even myself find it hard to understand why I feel this way (pretty devastated). I was just 6.3 weeks pregnant when I rushed to the hospital to find out we had a miscarriage.

The news
I just can't explain why, but I just found out I was pregnant 7 days ago but once I knew the pregnancy test came out positive an immediate bonding started. All my thoughts and activities, started out in the morning thinking of what was growing inside me and everytime I went to sleep all I could think about as I'd do anything to make things work (the baby wasn't planned even though I had been married for 5 years, I quit smoking and started taking care of myself to not carry heavy things, praying for my baby, and all the things your adviced to do so).

The day after we spoke to my side of the family and told them the news, I decided to tell my closest friends about it and everytime I told someone I personally asked them to say a prayer for me, my husband and our baby that was on the way. That night we told my husbands family that we were expecting a baby.

The day later I was at work pretty frightened with not much people to talk to. I kept on asking my friends that at the time are pregnant or some friends that already have babies to see if what I was going through was normal, and at least phisically they said they were. I can't explain what I was feeling, I was so nervous cause I felt something wasn't right but I guessed it was a normal part of being pregnant. That night I went home feeling a bit depressed and something in my heart did not feel right.

As I arrived home, I did all my normal stuff. Let my dog in the house, grabbed some water, turned the tv on and then headed to the bathroom. As I went to the bathroom, few red blood and a small clog came out of my body, I immediately called my husband since I felt panicked but did not have luck to contact him. I called the doctor immediately and he told me to go to bed and rest till monday and go to his office that day (it was only tuesday). All I could remember is that I asked him if this meant things weren't gonna be well and I asked him if our baby would be fine. He said don't worry about it, things don't have to turn bad. I called my husband and told him what happened, he headed to the drugstore to get the medicines the doctor prescribed as we were willing to follow his precise instructions. That night I felt pretty sad thinking of what could happen, I grabbed a pregnancy book and started to read about what could be going on. At the time, my husband was also looking for information I could guess to calm me down, and he told me he thought it could be an infection. I must admit I was crying because I was worried but I was hoping that my husband was right about what he thought it was. All this started about at seven, but I can remember the precise time 12:36 am when I just felt something inside me just wasn't there and started to cry desperately; my husband told me to be possitive but I just couldn't and told him that the same feeling that made me go to the hospital to take the pregnancy test just was gone and wasn't there anymore.

At the Hospital
The next morning we called the doctor because of the symptoms, he told us to head immediately to the hospital. As we arrived he told me to step into a bathroom, and I can just remember I was so afraid cause he pulled my husband away (I thought he'd probably did it to tell him what could happened so we'd be prepared). As I stepped into the same room, the doctor started examining me and said that I wasn't bleeding much and I felt a huge relief and a little bit of faith that our baby would still be fine. The doctor did what he needed, took an ultrasound and stepped out of the room while I was getting dressed. At that time, I was literally begging for our baby to be ok, but as we talked he said things weren't well and that he could not hear a heartbeat on the ultrasound. At that time I felt my heart just stopped for a minute and I was practically speachless I knew that what I felt the night before was right and our bonding was for real even though he / she was just six weeks there.

On the Way Home
Everything was silent on the way home, I just started crying and I just can't describe how I felt. I felt so impotent, so sad, so mad, so dissapointed; and there iare not enough words to express the way I felt.

My Grief
I thought I had been through rough things in my life such as my grandpa's death. But I noticed nothing had been as painfull like what we were experiencing and am living at the time. That same day we started telling our families and friends. They were very supportive about it, but some people weren't as I expected them to be. Lots of people try to make you feel better, but nothing they say ill make things easier... some people told us... "it wasn't meant to be at the time", "they knew what we were feeling", " we had to find something possitive about the loss", "it was a test of god", "you are young and may always have another", etc. .... Well all I can say is that if they just knew how I was feeling they wouldn't say that, that I could not find a single possitive thing about it, I am mad as hell and don't need a moral lesson, and even though I'm young I wanted this one not another ... and I could keep going.

Just two days from our loss
At this time there are dozen of emotions in the air ---- I feel afraid when I'm alone, I feel so sad as never before, I don't want to continue with my activities and force myself to closure on five days (so I return to my normal activities), When things stress me I start trembling and feel short of breath, I'm scared as hell that my husband will forget about this and expect me to overcome it rapidly like he probably will, strain our relationship as we surpass this, sleep all night and have a good rest (I'm not calm to do so, but I don't want to rest much to keep my energy low and feel tired to cry, think, etc.), face people that didn't know and ask us when are we having babies, become pregnant again and experience the same thing, experience negative changes in our relationship, ... and so on ...

And as people say you have to find a possitive lesson about this... I guess I'll never find it, it is something I think I would never understand --- though I noticed once more that my husband is a wonderful man which I'm thankfull to have at my side, that he loves me, and has been a great support from the first moment on. I have no words to thank him. Also, I'm trying to also be there for him and hope I'm not doing a bad job... though I trully believe things in some manner are much harder for women.

6 June 06
Our little angel went away for a time, but hopefully there will be another that brings us back joy.
Baby thanks for ur support even though things aren't easy having you by my side has made me feel much better.- Ur Princess.

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Things that made me feel better
It's only been a few days since it happened, but I wish I would have found a guide to tell me how to surpass this more quickly, so here are some thing that are helping me hoping they'd be handy for a person who lives the same experience (hopefully nobody will need to read it):
1) You'll never understand why this happened to you, and don't try to understand it you will never do so.
2) Don't be afraid to share your feeling with your couple and / or family it is important to let everything flow- This includes men!! this makes us feel better, cause we see you also cared for us, the baby and protecting our family.
3) Take some time off your normal activities to think, cry, grief and when your ready move on. Do what makes you feel confortable without being forced to.
4) Be on a relaxed environment and avoid things that make you feel stressed (discussions, etc.) - family reunions, phone calls, tv programs, etc. - If you go to a reunion, maybe have a special code, for your partner to know that maybe you need to step out to catch some breath.
5 ) Try to find out what your couple needs to feel better. Take some time off work and your personal activities to support your couple, maybe just embrace him / her. Sitting down and talking about it made me feel better. Connecting emotionally in this situation made my relationship stronger. Asking how he was and his responses made me understand him.
6) Remember women bond with the baby since finds a positive pregnancy test, so be patient she might need more time than you (always consider this --- cause then you might forget be normal in a reunion and she could not be confortable for more that a short period of time in other environments). Besides even though there is a loss, your body still goes aprox. six weeks of hormonal adjustments and maybe a longer period of up's & down's.
7) Make her feel protected, show her ho much you love her, care and that things no matter what will be better.
8) Thank him / her for the support. -
9) Every person reacts differently and everyone can give you advice but no matter what there is no right thing to do, go with your feelings.

AMdL

This was not supposed to happen

I was enjoying our little world with my 4 year-old daughter. I was going to school full-time, not sure I wanted another. My husband had been pushing for a 2nd for years and it finally seemed right - the timing, the fact my daughter would be starting school in the fall, everything. Immediately, I got pregnant. I was ambivalent at first (because it was a scary step), took 3 tests to get a clear positive and then I was excited. The physical changes occurred immediately. I had spotted with my first at 6 weeks and I didn't want to tell anyone until I passed the first trimester. I went in for my first check-up. They ran the blood levels and I received a call the next day that they were low. I went back and they were worse. A miscarriage was imminent and I had to sit around and wait for it. It was awful, knowing that this baby wasn't going to make it. 3 days later, it happened. I didn't think I would be this upset. It's been 4 months and I still get black days. 2 sisters just delivered. Sister-in-law is pregnant. Sister of sister-in-law (who had fertility problems) is pregnant. Dad's secretary (who had fertitiliy problems) is pregant. But not me. Sister-in-law called yesterday to tell me about feeling the baby. That should have been me. The showers will be difficult. Seeing my nieces will be difficult. I have been debating whether or not I want to try again. Could I go through this again?

Michelle