Post your Story

My missed miscarriages - Why???

My husband and I are already very lucky to have had a beautiful, healthy baby boy who is now 3 (not so much a baby). I discovered that I was pregnant again just after our son's first birthday, it wasn't planned but we were very happy anyway. The pregnancy continued and at 12 weeks we went for an OSCAR scan where we were told that the pregnancy had failed at 9 weeks. We were of course devastated and just wanted to know why! I went to the Dr who advised us that as it was a missed miscarriage I should have a D&C and to go home and wait for an appointment from the hospital (this was on Christmas Eve 2004). On Christmas morning I started to bleed, however, the miscarriage didn't really get going until the early hours of Boxing Day. I have never experienced anything as heartbreaking or soul destroying.

I eventually heard from the hospital and went in to tell them it was too late for a D&C. They apologised to me for receiving such inadequate care but assured me that next time things would probably be fine. I wish they hadn't done this because all it does is give you false hope!

I then had a further 2 more missed miscarriages, both of which were detected by an early scan. After the 3rd my husband and I had to have various blood tests all of which came back NORMAL whatever that means. We then saw a Consultant who could not give us a reason as to why this kept happening but again assured us that we still have a 75% chance of having a "normal/successful" pregnancy. He also told us that being under weekly care seemd to work in ensuring a successful pregnancy - more false hope!

Shorlty before my birthday in January this year (2007) I discovered I was pregnant again. I contacted the hospital and went for a scan when I was 7 weeks. The scan was fine I saw the hearbeat and was told that the signs were good and everything was as it should be. I was so relieved I burst into tears. I was then given another appointment for the following Friday. Friday came and I went along again for another scan, however, this time I was told that there was no heartbeat and it had failed. I just felt numb and so alone. The midwife I saw was lovely but that is of no comfort. I feel incredibly angry that no one can tell me why this keeps happening and all I seem to get are empty words of false hope.

I hate going to hospital as I feel invisible, its as if if you haven't got an armful of pregnancy notes you don't count. At times it also feels that the midwives and the people who do the scans at completely insensitive to what you are going through or have been through previously. I always have to go through my pregnancy history which I find very hurtful at having to relive, especially as there are no answers as to the reasons why. I've now got to go back on Monday (26/02/07) to get a date for another D&C and to see if they are going to investigate further.

Even though like many other women I don't know the reason(s) for these missed miscarriages we have decided to try again straight away, as our life seems to be on hold as we are unable to have a successful pregnancy.

I wish everyone who has experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage well and hope they have success in the future. X

Charlotte

My losses

My story starts over 7 years ago. I had serious complications with my second child- first one with my husband. At 9 weeks along, I felt a pop and blood was everywhere. I was having contractions, but an ultrasound showed my son was still alive. Today he is 7 years old.

I bled for months afterward and was diagnosed with placenta previa and an abruption of the placenta. My obgyn today thinks I was pregnant with twins. The doctor I had at the time said I would be lucky to have him at 24 weeks- I had him at 371/2 weeks. He was healthy.

About a year later, we tried to get pregnant, but nothing happened, so I gave up trying. In 2004, I miscarried twice within 4 months with no reason as to why. I lost the last one in October 2006. Now we are testing for all kinds of things- and spending a fortune. At least now my doctor says there is a problem and agreed to do the testing.

He plans on using progesterone and blood thinners the next time we try. I still need some more time to let go of all these losses. Day by day, it is getting better. I am not quite ready for the sun to totally shine yet. I need to get a grip first. That and lots of prayers nothing goes wrong this time.


Heather

I can't stop crying

My story may be a little long, but thank you to those who are willing to read this. Well, my story is more recent then most. Where do I begin??

Around the end of November 2005, I was in California visiting my dad. I kept getting major cramps like my period was coming. I normally got cramps a week before my period was due but after 2 weeks, I realized something was going on. When I had gotten back home I took a pregnancy test the next day.

I was always told that if the second line didn't show up right away, then you probably aren't pregnant. So when the first one didn't show the line right away, I threw it in the trash. Well a few days later, my period still hadn't started so I took another test, which slowly but surely came up positive. When I was 16 I was told I couldn’t have children, so after seeing a pos. result, I took 3 more tests to be sure, which all came back pos. so my nurse told me to come into the docs and take a test there, so I did and they set me up an app. immediately after.

When my doc. started to do the ultrasound, he didn’t see anything, so he did a vaginal ultrasound and STILL didn’t see anything. He sent me for lab work to see if my Hcg levels were rising or lowering and they had been rising. He said it was too early too see my baby. I had went in there several times to get ultrasounds because they feared I might have had an ectopic or be getting close to a miscarriage because my Hcg levels weren’t rising like expected. I was less than a month pregnant at that point.

At 6 weeks I saw my baby's heartbeat. At almost 10, I started bleeding. My doc. told me to come in and they did an ultrasound again... the baby was fine, I saw it move, I saw its heartbeat, it was healthy...the next day later I was rushed to the hospital for severe cramping, the baby had died. I passed the fetus the day after that and haven’t stopped crying since.

It’s so hard because my family doesn’t really understand any of this. They've never gone through this and no matter where I turn, everyone just keeps telling me "your baby's in heaven, you'll have another one some day." It’s like they don’t even get that the one thing that completed me has left me, my own blood and flesh and I don’t know what to do.

I feel horrible for hating those who I see pregnant, and my friend who just had a baby girl and another friend who is 7 months. I feel like I did something wrong and so I turned to the only people who can really understand how I feel, the ones who've gone through this. I’ll be 19 soon on Aug. 25th and not knowing if I can survive that.

My baby's due date was the 27th.

Thank u so much for your time. I appreciate it.


Leanne

My Little Loss

We have been trying for a baby for about three months (definitely trying the last two). This isn’t very long at all really.

About a week ago I noticed some changes in my body. My breasts became more full and tender than I’ve ever known them to be before, I was very tired and even fell asleep at work in the toilets briefly, and I felt a little sick in the mornings. I thought that maybe I was pregnant, but my period wasn’t due for a few more days. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I found myself thinking about the possibility – when would the baby’s due date be (around the 31st October), what would it be, I talked to it and told it that if it was there I loved it and wanted it so much. I stroked my tummy and imagined stroking my baby’s hair perhaps one day.

I took a pregnancy test the day before my period was due, but it was negative. I started getting a few cramps and thought I just must have been wrong. I wasn’t pregnant. I cried quite a bit, as I had got excited about the prospect. I couldn’t help myself.

I’d also noticed some odd cramps in my abdomen – they were almost like period cramps but they had been going for about two days and no period (not like my usual ones at all). They felt sharper at times then dull and I also felt a bit sick and emotional too. I kept going from perhaps I am pregnant to I couldn’t be. I was okay about it, thinking I just wasn’t at all and next time might be the time. I made an appointment for my doctor nonetheless to see why I might have been feeling so tired last week.

An hour before the appointment (yesterday) I got my period (it was two days late (I'm never late) and the cramps were going on three days). This was yesterday. So I thought well I’m not pregnant then. I went to the doctor and told her what had happened over the last week. She said it was very likely a miscarriage. This shocked me – I didn’t even think that it could have been, but now I can’t understand why it didn’t cross my mind. My doctor was excellent and talked me through the whole thing. I asked her if it was something I did that caused the miscarriage, but she told me - no it wasn’t.

After the appointment I felt really strange. Not upset, not anything really. I think it was shock that it had gone through well there was no pregnancy to there was but its not there now.

I picked my husband up from work and we talked on the way home. I felt like I should be okay about it, but when I was talking and I said I felt the baby was there I burst into tears. I felt the baby interacting with my body – it was really there.

My parents came over later in the evening and we told them. My Mum gave me a hug and said she was sorry. I felt again like I should be okay and reassured them I was fine. It was almost like “why am I being comforted? I’m fine.”

This morning though, I can’t shake the feeling of anger and guilt. I keep thinking I shouldn’t be feeling this way – that it wasn’t much of a pregnancy really and other women lose babies a lot later and more sadly that this. How can our loss really compare with theirs? I feel guilty because of that. I feel guilty because I think was there something I could have done differently. I know the doctor said there wasn’t. I can’t help this feeling at the moment. I feel angry that other people have their babies and that mine left. I had imagined finding out that I was pregnant at the doctors and the joy of telling our parents this weekend. It won’t happen now. I had pictured going in and buying the pregnancy journal and starting that.

I feel lonely. That sounds strange as my husband and our parents are wonderful and are there for me. But I felt the baby in me and now I don’t. I don’t feel pregnant anymore and I miss that terribly even though it was only for a few days. I want my sore breasts back and the tiredness, because that would mean the baby is still there.

I feel like a bond between me and my Mum and Nan and Aunty and every other woman who has lost a baby, or even been pregnant and given birth to a healthy baby, has been forged. It’s like some strange initiation into womanhood.

I feel sad. I keep crying and wondering what the baby would have been like. I know people say it was early, for the best and there’ll be others. I wanted this one. We are going to name it and have a little service for it – I would like to plant a tree in our backyard. I think this will be good for us to do. I need something tangible. Something I can look at and say this means our baby. I like Aiden – it means ‘little fire’.

Thank you to the other brave women who have shared their stories here – it really does help.

Kate

stillbirth

I was 34 weeks pregnant with my first child. I was 21 at the time and scared.

I had been going to a high-risk clinic for months and never suspected that it would be such a tragic end for my unborn son. I went to the hospital early that morning; they did an ultrasound and his heart was beating. The doctor said he was squirmish so they sent me home.

I came back to the ER and no heartbeat. I had to deliver because I lost so much blood. It is sad to go to the cemetery and see my little man Deshawn's grave.

It took me a long time to get over the loss and I don't think you ever really get over losing a child but these days it seems bearable. That was almost 11 years ago in July 7.


Nitika