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My son, Joel

I have wanted to be a mother my whole life. It took me forever to decide what to go to college for, since all I really wanted to do was be a mom. I ended up waiting a long time before I met a man that I wanted to marry, and he came with two children from a previous marriage, both already in school. I thought, well, at least I'll have stepkids if I can't get pregnant. (I have had some complications that made it uncertain whether I could conceive).

Just three months after starting to try, my husband and I conceived. We were both ecstatic! He had always wanted more children, and I've already established how desperate I was for a baby of my own.

I kept a journal for the baby, and I followed diet and exercise suggestions religiously. I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I went to all of my doctor's appointments, and my wonderful husband was by my side for every single one.

At 22 weeks, we went in for a routine ultrasound. A friend of mine was operating the equipment, but she had assured me that she wouldn't talk much during the exam, so I didn't think anything of it when she got really quiet. My mom came along to see the baby, and the three of us were so excited watching the baby suck it's thumb on the monitor that it was a shock when my doctor walked in.

She is very blunt and to the point, which is part of the reason I liked her so much. I found, though, that it was NOT what I needed when there was a problem. She said, "We see some things that aren't normal, and we need to send you to a specialist. I've already made the appointment for you." Other than telling us that the baby had some fluid in its body, she would not say anything else, which was infuriating. We had to wait three days before we could see the specialist. I will always wonder if it was those three days that led to my son's death.

At the specialist's office, the doctor reported that our baby had hydrops, which is over 80% fatal. He hoped that it was a treatable form, but to find out, he had to do an immediate amnio, take a biopsy, and drain the fluid from off of our baby's heart. It was terrifying when I saw him also stick the needle directly into my baby's beating heart to draw a blood sample (we found out later that was the only way he was going to get one, as my baby's veins and arteries, etc. were too weak to get blood from). Our baby was experiencing heart failure, he said. There was nothing we could do.

I stopped feeling the baby move later that night. The next morning, an ultrasound confirmed that our baby had died, and I was induced to deliver later that day. It was horrible. I had to force myself to believe that the baby would be born alive in order to push. I just couldn't stand the thought of pushing and having only a dead baby as a result.

Of course, when he came out, he didn't cry. I did, though. It was over much too quickly. We had a son, and we decided to name him Joel Thomas. We were able to hold him, but not for nearly long enough.

We learned later that there were no chromosomal or genetic defects, no viruses, and no other apparent cause of death. We are baffled. I created the best possible environment for him, and if it wasn't any of those other things, what killed our baby????

I am deailng right now with the pain of having my husband's other two children around me. Being a stepmom is not nearly as rewarding as I had hoped it would be, and I'm left wondering if I can even continue to do it if I'm never able to have my own children. None of the books I have found talk about what it is like to be a stepparent who has lost her own child, so I am desperately seeking out anyone else who is in the same situation. I am confused by my feelings towards my husband's children and wondering how they can possibly be compatible with the warmth and love I felt when I was about to be a mother myself.

I feel like I lost part of myself, and some days, it is hard to even want to live. I had left my job to stay home with our baby, and now I feel like I have no direction and no purpose in my life. What am I supposed to do?

Miscarriage 2nd pregnancy

I got pregnant with my daughter, Piper in June 2007. This was my first pregnancy and everything had went perfect. I didn't have any problems and I also had a natural vaginal birth with no meds. I recently found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I went in for the ultrasound and they couldn't find the heart beat but they could see the baby and the sac. Two hours after I had gotten the vaginal probe ultrasound I began spot which I confirmed with the ER that spotting after that was normal and they told me to monitor it because if I started bleeding I needed to come on in.Well 6am the very next morning I woke to go to the bathroom and a big surprise came out. It was like I was having a light period. I called my doctors office at 8am and they had me come right in. When the doctor did the ultrasound he couldn't see the baby and the sac had dropped and also looked flatter. He told me I had 3 options which included D&C, a pill to help pass everything, or I could go home and pass it natural. I chose to pass it natural. My doctor prescribed me some pain medication and told me that it could be very painful. I cried the whole way home. I sat at home for a little while alone then went and got my 17mth old daughter. I don't understand why I just know this has been very hard and just depressing. I took a couple pictures on my cell phone for my boyfriend because when I passed it you could see this tiny grape size flesh colored baby. It was very tiny and hadn't formed much but you could make out the facial features. I try not to think about it but everytime I see a newborn or ppl start talking about being pregnant or having a baby I just bust out in tears. My 2nd pregnancy was a surprise but nothing that I regret. I do not smoke or drink and I'm a healthy person. I still have my ultrasound pictures and I have the pictures on my phone. I miscarried early but I still had become very attached. Many people new I was pregnant and everytime they see me they ask how the pregnancy is going and I again just start crying and say I had a miscarriage. I never knew how hard this could be until it happened to me. I have always strongly disagreed with abortions and now more than ever I am against abortions. These woman that want to have abortions are killing healthy babies and woman who loose their babies by miscarriage of natural causes grieve everyday for their lose. They always say you never know what you had to you loose it. I have a beautiful daughter from my first pregnancy who I have been grateful for from the beginning but I am truly sorry for any woman who has endured a miscarriage. You all have my blessings. And even though everyone tells you that you aren't alone I know you still feel like you are the only one suffering. Good luck

Vicky

still in pain

Hello I just wanted to write to say that I was pregnant with my fourth baby andd everything was going good I went to go camping. I went to the doctor on the 15th and he said everything looked good then on the 16th I started to spot and so I went to the er and they done test and said that everything was ok just that I was early so they sent me back home. Then on the 17th I starte bleeding alot more and so I just stayed in bed for theday then about 2 I stared haurting really bad. and on the 20th I had to go back to the docotr for a ultrasound and they didn't see anything at all. I had blood work done and today I called them and they said that I lost the babay they don't know why or anything. I was wanting this baby as I did all my other ones. I have been so upset all day long and can't get up to do anything. I just feel like a part of me is gone for good. I geuss I will see it when I get to go to heaven
good luck to everyone

Melissa

week 7 miscarriage

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for alMOst a year while watching close friends and family getting pregnant and having babies. We were extremely excited when we found out the it had finally happened for us. I went for my first dr appointment at 7 weeks and found out that my uterus was measuring that I wasn't pregnant. But, all my blood tests came back that I was definitely pregnant. A couple of weeks later, when I should have been around 11 1/2 weeks, I started having light bleeding, which everyone told me can be quite common during pregnancy. 4 hours later it got worse so we went to the ER. The ER did a pelvic exam and an u/s and told us that everything was fine. They said that they baby looked healthy and that it had a healthy heartbeat but that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks 4 days. Of course we were a little confused by that but they kept saying that the baby was probably just small. They discharged me with a threatened miscarriage and told me to see my regular dr. The next day was when the cramping started. I went for another ultrasound 2 days later and found out the the baby didn't have a heartbeat and was detached from my uterus and was making its way to my cervix. My dr checked my HCG levels to be sure that the baby had indeed died and then ordered a D&C. I ended up passing the baby naturally 5 days later, but still went in for the D&C to make sure that everything was out. It has been an awful experience. Feelings of confusion and anger are always around. To everyone that has gone through and is going through a miscarriage...nothing anyone says makes it go away or makes it better. The best thing to do is to talk with your spouse or loved ones about what feelings you are having and just know that it will get better no matter how it might feel at the time. I wish everyone luck.

Erin

Keep trying.

I am 22. On april 15th 2009 i went with my boyf for my first scan, by my dates i would have been 10 +4. We were sooo excited! We had got pregnant straight away and everything was just 2 good 2 b true!which sadly turned out 2 b right. We were the first 2 b called in, we wanted 2 buy so many photos 2 give to eveyone!The nurse started the scan and i immediately knew somthing was wrong, although i could see our baby in front of us she was searching for somthing and v.quiet. Turned out she couldnt find a heartbeat. I just remember my mind going completly blank and remember the sadness in my bf face so vividly. I really felt i had let him down. I didnt cry straight away, It took the heavily pregnant doctor that was sent 2 come and talk 2 me about everything that just made me come back 2 reality with a big bang. I had 2 have a managed medical procedure done a couple of days later where i actually felt my baby pass out of me into a paper tray. It was the worst thing i hav eva done, and hopefully i wont eva hav 2 go through that again. It tested me and my brilliant bf to the max, but we are now so much closer and stronger for it. And hav had 2 believe that everything happens for a reason. we have been trying again and will find out next week whether this month we hav been successfull. I am excited but so so worried. Hopefully we wont be tested again. Good luck 2 everyone else in similar shoes 2 myself.

Erin