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Early and Painful Loss

I was so happy that my DH had finally agreed to start trying for our second child. Our son is 4. We conceived on our second try. I started getting PG symptoms a few days before my period was even due, such as digestive issues, bleeding gums, and increased appetite. Both my DH and I were excited when I got two pink lines on the day my period was due. I excitedly hauled out my old baby stuff and went through it, went through my closet and picked out clothes I could wear while pregnant, and informed our families of the news. But early on, this pregnancy felt a bit "off," and different. I felt weak and panicky. I didn't "feel" pregnant, which I know is common enough in the first trimester; I had a hard time feeling like a pregnant person. I felt completely out of place in my midwife's office, with all the photo's of huge bellies and squishy newborns.

My loss started with a dream. Several nights before I began spotting, I had a very disturbing dream. I was looking at a bunch of dead and sickly fish in a fish tank. I was very troubled by this dream, but decided not to look it up in a dream dictionary, since I just didn't want to find out the meaning of it. The morning when I began to spot, I decided to look up my dream. The meaning was clear-my baby was dead. Pregnant women often dream of swimming fish. Since my fish were dead, I knew it was over. The MW tried to reassure me that spotting is not uncommon, but I have had far too many experiences of prophetic dreams to believe that my baby would be OK. I ended up in the ER a couple of days later when bleeding finally commenced, because of terrible pain in my side. I was checked for an ectopic pregnancy, which did not occur. The hospital staff were wonderfully kind to me, and it is something I will always remember and appreciate. For two days, I was so grief-stricken that I could barely get off the couch. It was a deeply physical impact-my sadness had thoroughly zapped me, and I was an invalid, shuffling around and speaking quietly. At first I felt that I never wanted to TTC again. It's so painful to prepare for one of life's most beautiful events, only to have it so cruelly taken away. I'm still not finished with my MC, but I'm already feeling like, yes, I want to do this again. I don't want my last experience of pregnancy to be of something so negative. So I'm hoping and praying for a healthy baby sometime soon, not just for me but for all the mamas with broken hearts and empty bellies.

Violet

I Went Like a Butterfly

I was first 19 when my husband and I found out we were having our first child. We've been trying for the past year, and it was tough. When I took over twenty pregnancy tests, the twenty first one was the best. I told my husband and he was happy.

I was sick all the time. I knew this was probably morning sickness--it wasn't, It was the flu, and I was diagnosed with it. I was scared it would affect my baby, so I went to the doctor's for the first ultrasound. After a while, they searched for the baby's heartbeat. They told me news: I was pregnant with twins.

After a while, I grew scared. Twins! I was excited. But then for the second ultrasound, they told me there was supposed to be two eggs; on of them was missing. They told me the other baby was fine and would survive throughout the pregnancy, but the other baby was miscarried. I cried that evening in my husband's arms.

Nine months passed and I had the baby. I was going to name the two of them, supposed to be two girls, Alice and Savannah. I chose Alice over Savannah because Alice was what the baby looked like. We had Alice Savannah Jones. In honor of Savannah.

Savannah's empty grave was buried near a beach by the water. We visit there once every three or four years.

I went like a butterfly. Graceful on the outside, but hurting on the inside. I held on.

All I have to say is...

Never Give Up

Goodbye My Little girl

I was 39 weeks and still working, although the hospital had dated me 37 weeks i knew when I'd had my period and was sticking to my dates. We couldn't afford for me to give up work right away I needed to continue to work right up until it happened.

It was a wednesday lunch time and me and my friend from work went out for lunch as we always did everyday, I was excited I had two days left at work before I finally finished. I had worked so hard with my sales throughout I really needed and longed for the time off to have baby. This particular day I was walking back to my office and I suddenly felt wet down below. I straight away thought maybe this is the plug, so wasting no time went straight to the toilet. Nothing. Only discharge and liquid soaked my knickers. I decided something may be wrong or something was happening so called my local community midwife. After waiting an hour I still hadn't received a call back so I got in my car and drove to the local clinic. There my favourite midwife examined my knickers went through my symptoms I stated I hadn't felt as much movement that day that I had usually. She called the hospital and sent me up in early labour.

When I arrived I was excited! I though this might actually be the time! I was so excited to meet the baby and I knew my husband would be so happy. Straight away as I walked through the pregnancy ward I noticed there wasn't a lot of staff and the place was overflowing with ladies in labour. The stuck me in a back room took my notes and disappeared. About 30mins later they finally came back witht the heart moniter machine which the midwife attached to me and baby straight away started moving excessivley! The midwife asked me to press this black button everytime I felt a movement. Well for the whole half an hour I pressed that button continuously!

After about an hour the midwife came back, took my heart moniter notes and said the doctor will be round soon to examine you. She was going to use the cough test to determine whether I had lost my waters. I waited, the doctor came. A little spanish lady doctor, didn't say a lot. mentioned they were very short staffed took a quick peek I coughted and sent me home saying I had weeks to go. Considering this baby was my first I took that as gospel, was a little disappointed I wasn't going to meet baby yet, but also felt a total pain in the butt for the hospital as I left.

The friday came I finished work, I had felt movements and hadn't experienced any more fluid loss, so decided the hospital was right to send me home I wasn't losing my waters etc. The weekend passed myself and my Husband was decorating due to new carpets being delievered the following thursday. We kept ourseves busy. On that saturday I had started to notice less movement, I had a bath, baby kicked, I used a baby doppler and found the heartbeat straight away, although I still didn't feel completely safe that everything was ok I never thought in a million years and hadnt been made aware through any of my pregnancy the risks attached to reduced fetal movements. We stayed in that night, had a take out baby was kicking so felt ok....
Sunday came we finished off the decor and went round the in laws for tea....Monday.

Monday was the worst day of my entire life. I woke up ealry shocked for some reason. Panicked. I went straight to find my husband who was leaving for work. I asked him to help me make baby move (baby always kicked for him!). After half hour of rubbing my belly baby hadn't kicked. I pleaded with my husband to go to work even though I was totally scared out of my wits! I called my mother who lives in Cyprus and cried my eyes out. She said I need to get to the hospital straight away. So I called the pregnancy ward who initally hung up on me. I called again and they said cant you come later we are really busy at the moment. I was livid!! I decided to stuff what they said and drove straight there.

Once arriving at the hospital they finally asigned me a bed after almost an hour of waiting. They wheeled the heart moniter machine to me and thats when my life changed forever. No heartbeat. After two head midwife's not being able to fine babies heartbeat I was uncontrolably crying. They told me calm down I was scaring the other mum's-to-be. They finally took me to get scanned and confirmed my baby girl had died. I was 39weeks and 4days by my date's. I remember looking up and this very irratating sonographer and her voice went through my body like electric shocks. She said Im so sorry Emma baby is gone. I was in total shock. My father called me soon after (also lived in Cyrpus) I just remeber my mum's screams in the background as I told my father the dreaded news. It was a good half hour before any family could arrive to see me. I sat motionaless staring into space looking at only the walls praying my husband when he arrived wouldn't blame me as musch I blamed myself.

The first thing I said to him was please dont leave me.

He totally dissmissed the idea and cuddled me harder than he ever had. I insisted they induced me so i could hold my baby girl. Which they did (surprising how the attitudes change when the baby dies) suddenly your not a pain in the backside anymore. They put the first gel on my cervix only to realise I had already started dilating.

My parents arrived about 9pm that night. It was the first time they had seen me pregnant. My mum just cried and cried and cried. Early hours the following day I gave birth to baby Layla, I didn't want all the sodding pain relief they kept pleading with me to have. I wanted to feel every single bit of Pain I possibly could. I deserved it.

I held baby Layla and she was so beautiful it took my breathe away. She looked like at any moment she would start to breathe. I prayed she would and that all of it was a massive mistake.

They found nothing wrong with me or Layla. No infections, no placenta problems, the post mortum showed nothing other than a perfect healthy baby girl. The only thing that did confuse the hospital was when Layla was born there was no fluid surrounding her at all. It had all gone.

Its almost a year on now. The 10th of March 2009 Layla was born. Me and my husband go to see her grave as much as we can. It still hurts me even writting this has made me cry so hard.

But life does go on. I am currently 16weeks pregnant with a baby boy. He will be due on the 30th of July this year. It's been very difficult not to feel anxious. Ive done everything by the books and the hospital have been very good with us this time round. I wish anyone who has been through a simular experience all the luck in dealing with the grief. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

But I am looking forward to July and hope with every single bit of hope this baby I get to see breathing at the end.

Emma Stevens...Aged 22 years old.

Emma Stevens

What Happened

I am 16 and about a year ago I found out I was going to have a baby. At first I was scared but then again it wasn't as bad as me being scared to tell the dad. A week or so after knowing about it, I finally had the courage to tell the dad. He wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. Well 8 months went by and I started having bad stomach pains. So I went to my doctor and they said I was starting to have a miscarriage. I didn't know what to think. I just sat there staring dead into space.

That night I went home and all I did was cry. All that ran through my head was- well your dad got what he wanted, but I lost everything. Now it's hard to cope with but I just think that is what G-d wanted and that I need to wait before I think of having another kid; clearly I wasn't financially ready for one at that time.

So girls who are pregnant at a young age or girls who are thinking about it- think about yourself. Are you really ready to make that choice? Just choose the choice that is going to help you make a good life for you and the little one.

Amanda

Amanda Nickerson

I Don't Understand

When I was 18 my husband now and I found out that we were going to be parents. We were both excited and scared. I ended up having and a really bad time with the pregnancy. But I got a beautiful little boy out of it! We decided after we got married and a little more stable to try for a second baby. It took almost a year of trying, but finally we found out that we were expecting. We were sooooo happy. We told our son who was now two that he was going to get a brother or a sister soon; he was just as happy as we were! I had to go to my 8week/1st ultrasound alone because my husband had to work and could not get off.

Im laying there on the table waiting to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time and after looking for about 5 min, the doctor turns to me and says that she was sorry that she could not find a heart beat. Ilost it. It killed me the baby that I had tried for, for so long had been taken from me. The doctor sent me home with some pills that would help me miscarry on my own. I spent the next few days laying in the bed not wanting to face the world. The pills didn't work, so I ended up having to have a D&C. The doctor told me that it was normal for woman to have at least one miscarriage and that my next pregnancy would be fine. I was really depressed. People tried to be nice and tell me that they were sorry and that everything would work out, but i didn't feel fine.

I was having a really hard time with it. And to tell my two year old son that there was no more baby was really hard and even harder for him to understand. After a few months I felt a little better and decided that I wanted to try again. So after 6 months I got pregnant again. Again we where so excited but I decided that I was going to tell only family and close friends because in the back of my mind I was still thinking that something could go wrong. I went for my first doctors appointment and everything was great. Then when i was about 5 weeks I woke up one morning bleeding. I called my doctor and went in they checked me a took blood and told me to come back in two days so they could check the hormone levels in the blood work. They said that more than likely I had miscarried.

I don't understand why this keep happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? I go back a few days later and they confirm that I did miscarry. I thought that I was depressed before- now its really bad. Sometimes I just sit and cry my husband has tried to help and be there for me, but sometimes I don't want to be around anyone at all. I don't get it. No one should feel like this. Will I ever have another baby? Will I ever feel normal again?

Becky Beck