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Can't stop hurting

I miss my two wonderful babies so much it hurts. I found out that I was pregnant with my first baby when I was 19. I was so excited, I was finally going to have a baby of my own, it was the one thing I’ve wanted all my life. I told my husband and we started to plan for the new baby. When I was 6 weeks along I started to spot, but everyone that I asked said it was normal, not to worry. I bled for 3 weeks, and knew that something just wasn't right, so on Christmas Eve my husband and I went to the hospital, where they ended up doing a sonogram. That night is when the doctor told us that our baby had no heartbeat, it had been dead inside my body for three weeks!! I was devastated, and just could not speak. The doctor said that the baby would just pass on it's own, and the very next day, on Christmas I passed what would have been my precious baby. It was about the size of a quarter. As the months went on, I started thinking less about what happened, and I was able to let go, and put it behind me.

About five years later my marriage fell apart, and I was engaged to a new man. When I was 26, I found out that I was pregnant for a second time. That was December 2004, and I was happy, but on the other hand very scared because of the loss of my first child. So my second pregnancy was a piece of cake, no bleeding, and no complications. I delivered my baby girl, Hannah on August 31, 2005. And she was perfect in every way. A very, very good little baby.

On January 19, 2007 I was missing my period and decided to take a pregnancy test, which was surprisingly positive, so I ran out to buy another, and it was negative so I just thought that I wasn't pregnant, especially when I started to bleed that night. I had bled for 2 weeks and couldn't figure out why I was still bleeding. But then on Feb. 11, I started having some very strange pains, kind of like gassy pains. But on one side, and the got more intense even as I tried to walk around. About 10 minutes later I felt very faint, like I was going to pass out at any second. It was very scary, and at that point everything seemed to go blank. I knew that I needed to get to a hospital quickly. So my fiancé and I took our daughter to her grandparent’s house, with the assurance that we would be back to get her that night.

At the hospital, they drew my blood and asked me all sorts of questions. The doctor came in about an hour in a half later asking me about my periods, but I couldn't figure out why, because I thought surely I wasn't pregnant since I was spotting, and had been for the last two weeks. Well that is when she told me that my blood pregnancy test was positive. I was just in total shock, because I was expecting it to be my appendix or something like that. I could tell that Shawn (my fiancé) was happy, I could see it in his eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to be happy, because I just knew that something was very wrong. After they did an ultrasound on me, the doctor came back in and told me that I would be having emergency surgery, and that I would not be going home that night. I was so scared. And they had me in surgery within an hour of finding out that I was pregnant.

For some reason, this pregnancy loss hit me real hard. I just couldn't believe that they were going to just take my baby out of me like that!!! It was awful. The baby was growing perfectly, just in the wrong spot. It was an ectopic pregnancy, and the baby was growing in my tube. I found out after the surgery that my tube had ruptured and the baby was no longer alive, but it was still hard on me. They had to remove my left tube, so my chances of becoming pregnant again have decreased. I really would like to have one or two more someday. But I just can't bring myself to get over this loss. It has hurt me badly. It has been almost 7 months, and I still think about my baby all of the time. It hurts so much, because I would be getting ready to have the baby in just a few weeks. So, just how does a person get over something like this? I didn't hurt this bad with my first loss, but my heart just cries out for this last baby. I hope that maybe someday I can find the courage to move on, but for now, I just can't. God bless any and everyone who has ever experienced a loss of their child.


Heather

Empty

On Thursday afternoon, one week ago today I took a pregnancy test and right away saw the 2 lines. I had known inside for at least two days that I was, I just knew. And even though the test confirmed what I had expected. I rushed out and handed the test to my boyfriend and by the look on my 7-year-old son’s face they knew I was stunned. Stunned, scared (could I do this again with a 7-year-old?), and elated!!!

Sunday, 3 days after finding out, I felt very strange. I no longer felt pregnant and I was getting dizzy. I really just felt off. Monday I went to Planned Parenthood to confirm the positive result, and hooray it was positive. Tuesday morning when I woke up I was spotting brown. By the afternoon I was cramping with a brighter colored blood. I went to the ER and the blood work came back that I was pregnant, however they could not see anything on the ultrasound.

The Dr. kept telling me not to worry and that he had seen this many times before. Wednesday I went to my OB and they drew more blood to compare the levels from the day before, they were worried that it was and ectopic pregnancy. By that evening I started to really hurt and then came a gush of blood as I sat on the toilet. I knew, I had known since Sunday, I had nothing special inside of me anymore. I knew it died on Sunday!

Today is Thursday and although the lab promised to get back to me last night with the stat blood work, they did not. They called me today well after I knew that what I had salvaged from the toilet was a baby that would never be. My levels had dropped she said which made it a non-viable pregnancy. I am continuing to bleed slightly and I am lost. Worried! Disappointed! Sad! I only really knew I was pregnant for 5 days; today it marks a week since I found out. I suppose however that at least this happened early on in the pregnancy?


L. Smith

My Little Angel

I new from the start I was pregnant. It sounds silly but it was like something was telling me I was but I just didn’t want to believe it at only 16. I was just finishing school to start college I didn’t want anything to get in my way.

I noticed myself putting on a lot of weight and so did everyone else but I just told my self it was because I ate too much as I didn’t want to believe I was pregnant. I felt tired and sick all the time and my boyfriend started to notice my mood swings and started to question why I didn’t want him near me so I told him I thought I was pregnant. At first he thought I was messing around but I think deep down he knew I was. So we went to get a home testing kit and it came up positive. I knew by the look on his face that I was pregnant all I did was cry but after a few days thinking about what I was going to do. I knew in my heart I had to keep it and started to get use to the idea of becoming a mother and once my boyfriend seen I was ok with it he started to get use to it as well.

A few days after finding out what I was going to do I went to see my doctor to make sure everything was ok. He told me I was 14 weeks pregnant and made me an appointment for the hospital. I was so excited as it was the day of my 17th birthday and the day we were going to tell our families.

But then it happened the night before my scan. I started to get horrible pains in my stomach I just thought it was the curry I had ate before hand and went out to the garden for a bit of air. Then I felt real wet and my boyfriend told me there was blood all over me and I looked at the chair I had been sitting on and it was just covered in blood.

I started to cry, as I new there was something wrong so my boyfriend called the doctor. I was waiting for the doctor to tell me what was wrong when then I heard him say what I had most feared I had lost my baby. He then sent me to the hospital to be cleaned out. I hated the thought of this and I was really scared it made me worse when I could hear a women getting her baby’s heart monitored and I knew I would never be able to hear my baby’s heart beat.

For some reason I had a dream that night I had a baby girl and called her Mai. I believe this was a sign and ever since I believe I have a little girl and her name is Mia but she couldn’t stay with me as god needed another angel and to me that’s what Mia is an angel.

To be honest I still find it hard but I know it will take time to get back to my old self. But I wouldn’t have been able to get through it without my boyfriend as he is always there when I am feeling low and no matter how many children I will ever have they will never replace the one I lost.


Hayley

My Little Angel

I am writing to tell you my story I have a wonderful little girl, that is getting ready to turn 2 this month. Seven months ago on February 11,2007, I found out that I was pregnant with my 3rd child. (The first baby I lost due to miscarriage when I was 19). All I ever wanted my whole life was to have children of my own, so when I found out that I was pregnant with my little girl, Hannah at the age of 26, I was overjoyed, but a little worried because of my first miscarriage. But everything went perfect with my second pregnancy, and my daughter is a healthy little girl, considering I have diabetes.

I had done a pregnancy test on January 19,2007, and got a positive result, and I was happy and went to buy another to retest, just to be sure. So when I went to retest, that one was negative, and so I figured that I wasn't pregnant after all. So on Feb. 2007 I started to get awful pains on my right side that would not go away but just got worse. Then I started to feel dizzy, like I was going to pass out. We drove my daughter to her grandma's house thinking that we would be back to get her shortly, since I had decided to go to the emergency room just to be sure everything was fine. (By the way I had been spotting for 2 weeks).

When we got to the hospital they did blood work, only to find that I was indeed pregnant. But when they told my husband and I, we were both in shock. Shawn was happy, but I couldn't bring myself to be, because I felt that something was wrong. They did an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't ectopic, but soon found out it was, and that one of my tubes had ruptured very badly, and had to be removed via emergency surgery. They had me in surgery within an hour. It was very hard for me to face the fact that they were going to take my baby away from me like that. I never even had the chance to say goodbye, because it all happened so fast. I wanted so much to have my baby, to hold in my arms, and to cuddle with. And even though it has been 7 months, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. (I am an emotional person anyway).

I spent three days in the hospital recovering, and thinking about my baby, that I missed so-so much. You just don't know what it's like until you have to go through it. My husband seemed to get over it right away, and to this day, tells me just to stop thinking about it and move on. But I can’t!! I think about my baby all the time, and this is very hard on me. A friend of mine is getting ready to have a baby in a couple of months, and it is very hard on me. But I am so happy for her. I would be getting ready to have my baby in just a few more weeks, and the closer it gets, the more it hurts. I just hope that one day I will be able to put this all behind me and move on. I am hoping that I will be able to have more children with just one tube left. My doctor doesn't think that I will have any problems getting pregnant again, which does bring me hope to the future, and so does reading other woman’s success stories. Thanks for taking the time to read my story, and god bless each woman out there that have had experienced a pregnancy loss. Have hope for the future!!!


heather

Why us?

My fiancé and I had been trying to have a child for a year with no luck. I decided to go to get tested. And it turned out that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome and that I was not ovulating. My doctor suggested that I take Clomid to ovulate. Before they gave me the medicine they tested my fiancé’s sperm, which turned out bad. He had a low count and bad motility. We were devastated that we both had problems. About 8 months later my doctor asked me if I wanted to try the Clomid anyway just to see if I could ovulate. My fiancé needed surgery to correct his problem first but we decided to try the medicine anyway.

On May 22, 2007 after only 2 doses we found out we were pregnant. We were so happy. We told everyone. Our parents had both bought us a lot of baby stuff and we had picked out names. On July 3, 2007 the day before my birthday we went for our first ultrasound. I was 12 weeks pregnant. Our baby had no heartbeat. After trying for so long I couldn’t understand why this was happening. I had no symptoms of a miscarriage. I was so angry. The next day my birthday, July 4 2007, I had a d and c. I have never felt so horrible in my entire life. I still do not feel the way I used but things are getting better. I think about the baby every day. We just started taking Clomid again and I am trying to keep up my hopes but it is hard. I just want everyone to know that you need to have a positive attitude and keep trying!


Emily