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PITA - R.I.P. 12/9/07 at 19w1d

My husband and I had tried for 22 months to get pregnant when I got my BFP on 8/22/07. I couldn't believe what I saw on that little test! To look back now, there was always something questionable about nearly every step I took in regards to the pregnancy. The next day I did a urine test and it came back as inconclusive. Four days later on 8/27, I took my first blood test and my HCG level was 151. Two days later on 8/29, my level was 204. Two days later on 8/31, my level was 252. Naturally, I was beside myself and worried to pieces. The infertility clinic called me on 9/4 and asked me to come in so they could check things out. I had a vaginal u/s done & the nurse could barely detect anything. I was 5w3d that day. She turned to me & said, "I don't have high hopes about this pregnancy. It's very possible you will have an ectopic. If you would like to have the methotrexate shot administered, I can ask the doctor to do that this afternoon." I burst into tears & was so hurt & confused. She said, "Would you like to call your husband to discuss with him first?" I said yes & she left the room while I did that. My husband was LIVID! He said, "You are NOT getting that shot today. You will not be getting ANYTHING done unless I'm right there by your side. You ask for another blood test before you make any decisions." I told the nurse I wanted another blood test and she wrote up an order for the lab. She said that she would call me in the morning with my results. When I got home from that appointment, the phone rang and it was the nurse. She told me she didn't have my results yet, but she already went ahead & made an appointment for the shot to be administered for the next day. She also said that if I started experiencing excruciating pain or heavy bleeding, I should go to the ER right away. I went completely ballistic and was completely inconsolable.

I got a call the next morning & the nurse was almost speechless. She said that my numbers had QUADRUPLED since the last test. She canceled the appointment for the shot and scheduled an u/s for 9/13. My husband and I saw the heartbeat for the first time that day (I was 6w2d) & I think that was one of the only times I breathed a sigh of relief after an appt.

Two days later on 9/15, I noticed some brown blood when I wiped. I didn't think too much about it, but was nervous because we were getting ready to leave on a 3-week vacation. The bleeding remained brown and light until 9/17 when it turned bright red & got heavier. That was the night before we left on vacation & my husband rushed me to the ER. I was in and out in 1.5 hours. They did an u/s and couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. They told me to just take it easy on vacation & if it got out of hand, I was to go to the ER immediately. Well, on 9/23 I woke up & had soaked red blood through my panty liner so my husband and I headed to the ER again. We waited EIGHT hours for an OB to tell us that everything looked fine and that I should take it easy. I was in contact by email with my OB between 9/17 and 9/23 & all she ever had to say was, "It could be nothing & it could be something. We don't know." She never once bothered to suggest that I come in to see her immediately after I returned from vacation. In fact, I didn't even get an appointment with her until two weeks after I returned. Apparently my issues were not important enough to her. At that point, I named my little one PITA (pain in the ass) because of all the scares I was getting. It was meant as an endearing nickname & will always be thought of that way.

Fortunately the bleeding stopped soon after I returned home & got back to my routine and healthy eating & adequate water consumption. At my appointment on 10/25/07 (12w3d) we saw the baby on the u/s moving around and waving. That was yet another sigh of relief.

At my next appointment on 11/3, I heard my sweet little PITA's heartbeat and breathed what would be my last sigh of relief until after I delivered. I had another appointment on 11/13 and the nurse midwife was not able to detect the heartbeat on the doppler. My heart sank and I immediately started crying and thinking the worst. She brought me in to do an u/s and after a very long TWO minutes, she finally found the baby tucked way up in my uterus. I saw the heartbeat and saw its spine when it turned around. However, I did not breathe that sigh of relief that time. In fact, I told the nurse that I had irrational fears about losing this baby. She became very concerned and set an appointment for me on 11/30.

I had blood drawn on 11/21 for my AFP screening and my level 2 u/s was scheduled for 12/4. At my appointment on 11/30, I had looked over my receipt and saw an appt. with a doctor I never heard of for 12/3. When I went in to see my nurse, she told me she had received my results on Wednesday 11/28 and wanted to discuss them with me. When I told her about the appointment I saw on my receipt, her face went completely ashen and she said, "I'm so sorry, you should not have found out that way." She then told me that my results came back with an elevated risk for NTDs and a 1 in 10 risk for DS. I was crushed. She referred me over to a genetic counselor, who went over what the perinatologist would be looking for at the level 3 u/s on 12/3. She told me that I could also have an amino done as well. I left her office feeling a bit hopeful. I had been told by tons of people & read online that AFP results are notorious for errors and that my baby would probably be fine.

On 12/3, my husband & I went in for the u/s and the genetic counselor sat with us. The tech asked me if I wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and I said yes. My heart began to sink again as she remained silent and kept clicking back and forth. I looked up at the baby & even though I was listening to the heartbeat, the baby wasn't moving very much. The tech then asked the counselor to go get the doctor. The doctor came in & looked up at the screen & then looked at me and said, "You don't have any amniotic fluid. The baby is unable to move around very well at all because of this." She started explaining how a lack of fluid compresses fetal organs and causes complications with limb and organ development. She then asked if I noticed any gushes of fluid and I told her no. The only fluid I ever experienced was what I thought was normal cervical fluid. She said that the fluid was probably absorbed into the body. I cut to the chase & asked her, "So are my baby's chances for survival slim to none." She said, "Yes, and more towards none." She was very comforting and told me over and over again that there was NOTHING I did to cause this. She did tell me that I did need to make a decision as to whether I wanted to have a D&C done or deliver. She said I had up to 5 weeks to decide, but that I shouldn't agonize over it. My husband and I took that afternoon and the next day to cry, talk and discuss my options.

I contacted the counselor on Wednesday 12/5 and told her I wanted to have the pregnancy induced. She got me set up for Friday 12/7. I was at work on Wednesday & Thursday & found that helped keep my mind off of what was going to happen.

Friday morning, my husband & I got up around 6:00 a.m. to get ready to go to the hospital. I was told to call first just to make sure they knew I was coming. I called at 7:15 a.m. & the charge nurse told me that there was a patient still in the room & they asked if I would mind coming back at 10:00 a.m. She explained that they have rooms for women in my situation that are completely private & she wanted to make sure I would be able to be in that room. Naturally I was upset because I was ready to get the process started, but I understood what they wanted and appreciated the effort.

We arrived around 5 minutes after 10:00 a.m. I walked into the nurse's station & was immediately met by the charge nurse I spoke to earlier. She was very warm and very engaging. She escorted us over to Admissions so I could get registered & all that bs. I was then greeted by my first nurse who told me that the room still wasn't quite ready so she took us to another room where it was quiet and we could have some privacy & not have to hear people in labor, babies crying, etc.

I was finally brought to Alternative Birth Center 2, which was indeed a private room complete with a private bathroom. They started prepping me for my IV after taking my blood pressure. Unfortunately I had left my good veins at home because the nurse could not find a vein AT ALL. Every time she tried to find one, she'd see one (but never FELT one) and then when she'd try to access it, it would disappear or spasm. She had to take blood from the middle of my left arm & that ended up being bruised badly. After about 3 attempts, she called in an anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist was also unsuccessful. She must have tried about 4 times, even using lidocaine to numb the areas she tried. At that point I was frustrated and crying. My husband was sitting in the chair next to me with his head down, clearly upset about the suffering I was going through. My genetic counselor was there & she held my hand as they kept trying. They brought in two more anesthesiologists, both men. They each took a side & they were able to tie the band around my arms tighter, but still had trouble. The one on my right side FINALLY found one to work with, although it was a small one. Once THAT finally happened (after almost an hour), they were able to get the process of induction started almost immediately.

The first doctor I saw inserted a pill called Misoprostol, which was placed next to my cervix. She explained that the pill is used to soften and shorten the cervix to allow it to open. Naturally, my cervix was high, rock hard & tightly closed. She also said that the pill would be inserted every 6 hours depending on the progress. She prepared me by telling me that at this stage, it could be a lengthy process. That was Friday at around 12:15 p.m. DH was there with me & ILs showed up about 20 minutes after the first pill. We just sat around visiting and then my sister arrived around 4:30 p.m. DH, unfortunately, had to work from midnight to 8:00 a.m. so my sister stayed over night with me on Friday night. Everything was pretty much uneventful until early Saturday morning when I was having my 3rd dose administered & the doctor told me that I had dilated to 1 cm and my cervix was nearly thinned out. I woke up around 6:30 a.m. Saturday morning & had felt some moisture below & realized I had started bleeding. The nurse came in & told me that the bleeding was a good sign and that things were starting to happen, but it wouldn't necessarily happen any time soon. It was then that I decided to have the epidural administered just in case things decided to move quickly. They made a big deal about it just because it required yet another needle to be inserted (I was very well known throughout L&D because of my IV issues), but the worst part was getting the numbing medication. Everything else was a piece of cake. After I became fully numb throughout my lower region (strangely enough, my right leg never got numb, but my left leg was numb enough for both), they inserted the catheter in my bladder which meant no more getting out of bed (that was a challenge the first day & night because I had to bring the IV stand and belly monitor with me). The rest of Saturday was pretty much the same. I visited with my in-laws and DH and just relaxed. After my 12:30 a.m. dose, I went ahead & tried to sleep. That was probably the most I slept the whole time I was there. The night nurse woke me up around 4:30 a.m. to take my vitals, but that was the only time I was disrupted. The doctor came in at around 6:45 a.m. & gave me what would be my last dose of miso. She said that I was still only dilated at 1 cm, but my cervix was thinning out even more & she said that she had a feeling it would happen sometime that day.

I had asked for some food around 9:00 a.m. & the nurse said that because of the epidural, they wanted me to just have liquids like broth, juice and jell. I had all that and some soda. At around 10:30, a social worker came in to talk to me and after about 15 minutes, I was feeling cramping. I thought it might have been gas from the soda, but it was starting to hurt, so I called the nurse in. My nurse Jill, the first one I worked with, came in & asked how I was feeling. I told her about the cramping & although I didn't see it, I think she looked over at the fetal monitor & may have saw that something was happening, so she said she was going to have a look. She then asked me to bear down like I was having a bowel movement. I couldn't feel a thing down there, so I had no idea whether I was doing it or not. She then asked me to cough a couple of times. After the second time, the worst wave of nausea came over me and I ended up throwing up for almost 2 minutes. When I was almost done, she looked up at me & said I was delivering! I was in shock! I had NO idea anything like that was happening because I couldn't feel a thing down there. She asked me to bear down & cough a few times and after about 3 minutes, I finally delivered my PITA. DH & I had made the decision that we did not want to see the baby afterwards and we did not want to know the sex so they immediately took it (I say it only because we weren't able to find out the sex at the u/s on 12/3 - something I believe was meant to be). They waited to check on the placenta & I ended up passing that about 10 minutes later after one small push. The sigh of relief I took after that last push would be the last I would ever experience as part of this pregnancy.

It was understandably an emotional experience, but I couldn't help but feel relieved that it was all over and that the healing and moving on could actually begin. The heavy bleeding came almost immediately & lasted most of the day, which of course is normal. A while later, Jill came in & told me that the perinatologist I saw on 12/3 (who, incredibly enough, walked into the room right after I delivered the baby to check on me) determined visually that the baby did, in fact, have Downs syndrome and several neural tube defects, including spina bifida. She told me that she believes I made the right decision by delivering so I could get the answers I need. I should be getting the autopsy results in a couple of weeks, but we know that the baby would've never made it to full-term. I'm hoping I can get some answers as to why I had such little amniotic fluid. I was discharged at 8:00 p.m. last night after spending nearly 60 hours in the hospital. I couldn't wait to get home to my cat, my own bed and my shower! It felt great taking that shower & brushing my teeth & just lying in my own bed.

This experience has been the worst experience I have dealt with in my 31 years of living. I will never truly get over what has happened and I will never forget my first child. However, my faith in God is strong and my DH and I truly believe that we will be blessed with healthy, strong children and are ready to start trying right away. In fact, PITA was strong as well. PITA wasn't going away without a fight and did truly fight to the very end. Physically, I feel fine. I have absolutely no pain & my bleeding is very light (it could be because I haven't really moved much - who knows?). Emotionally, this will be a long road to travel, but I am surrounded by wonderful family & friends and have received so much love, support, comfort and care.


Chare

My baby

I found out I was pregnant on a Thursday afternoon, having married very late and conceiving at age 38 for the first time this was to date the happiest day of my life. I had always wanted a child ever since I was a child! Imagine my shock and fear when two days later on Saturday I started bleeding and consequently lost my baby!

To date I don't understand what happed to cause the loss and I cry myself to sleep everyday thinking about it. Maybe I will try again but am afraid now that am older my chances are thinner. I made a mistake by trying to pretend I was ok and refusing to try again. DON'T isolate or blame yourself if it happens grief then try again I wish I had done that.


devastated

Lucas Zachary James

When my friend's found out about my pregnancy, they didn't even try to disguise the anticipation in their eyes. I can't say I blame them. It would make a sensational piece of gossip after all, and boost them a tier above "slaggy Lauren Mason". I remember them telling me "Oh you're so lucky" and "I'd love to have a baby" as though it was a Baby Annabel I would be pushing out of me, rather than a real live human being, at the age of sixteen.

In the end Tristan pushed me into having an abortion. I could just about face telling my friends let alone my mum and his, and like he said " it was too much, too soon." The baby "out of the way" he left me, no strings attached. I haven't ever been able to forgive him for that. Yes, he was a kid but if he was old enough to sleep with me then he should have been old enough to handle the responsibilities in a sensitive and mature way. I don't think he realized the effect the abortion had on me, it was mentally and physically tortuous.

Two years have passed and I have another steady boyfriend. Although I'm nearly nineteen now, and we're arranging a big white wedding in St. Lucia I haven't been able to bring up the subject of children. It will take me a while to forgive myself for losing Lucas.

Izzie

Stillborn at 20 weeks

Well in the last week of November 2007, I started having a light pink bleeding. I am 24 yrs old with three boys. I was around 19 weeks so I went to the emergency room. They tried to find the heartbeat with the dopler thing with no luck, but that was not unusual this pregnancy the baby had been that way the whole time but when they did the ultrasound it was in there bouncing around all happy and waving.

So they didn't give it much thought. Well I went home diagnosed with a UTI and took my antibiotics. Well Monday Dec 3, 2007 I was excited because on the 5th was going to find out what it was. I started having the pink light bleeding again but no pain. I assumed it was still the infection and stayed at work at the daycare. When I got off of work I went to the ER again. This time they sent me to the OB floor and the doctor still didn't seem to worry. Said would keep me overnight for observation and do ultrasound in the morning. Baby was perfectly fine the last ultrasound so no worries.

The next day at 7 a.m., I was informed that the baby did not make it. I was given xanexs to calm my nerves and called my family. Then I was given even worse news-I had to deliver it. They induced my labor and in exactly 12 hours at 7 p.m., I delivered baby Alejandro. A perfectly formed baby just small. I do not understand why but some tests still have not came back. I have pictures of baby Alejandro, and he looked so perfect looking back up at me and my boyfriend. This would have been his first child, my fourth. I know it has affected him but he refuses to cry or talk about it.

Don't know what to do for him. I have cried off and on and even have Alejandros picture up on my wall. He looks at it and looks away. He has no family here because his family is in Mexico and he hadn't even told them about me being pregnant. I think I might try again in a few months. Depending on what the last set of tests says. I feel that by talking about it I am getting through it fine but I do not know about my boyfriend.


Stephanie

DARKEST DAYS OF MY LIFE MISSCARRIED AND DUMPED

It was in November 2006 and one and a half months had passed I had not had my periods. I went for the first pregnancy test and the results were negative two weeks later no period. I went for another pregnancy test the urine text showed positive. I had waited for this moment in my life at 36 years I really needed this baby. On the same day I went for a scan but nothing was shown in the scan, I still had hope because it was my first time to attempt to conceive and I knew that since I had not got my periods the pregnancy was there.

Two weeks later I went for another scan and indeed the fetus was there, I was excited though I didn’t want to show the doctor I was, it was eight weeks and then there was that but ’…the heart of the fetus is not beating!’ I was so ignorant I thought that at an early pregnancy the heartbeat doesn’t show but with time it would show. I was wrong. I went back home looking forward to the next OB visit.

I started feeling abdominal pain I told my BF about the pain and the results I had got from the doctor. It was approaching X-mas and he had to travel to his village the following day where they had a family function and since we were not staying together I had to go to my parents for X-mas. On X-mas eve I went to Church I felt uncomfortable standing, sitting and kneeling but I persisted till the end of the service from Church I passed my OB’s Clinic it was locked since most had gone to celebrate X-mas. The pain increased. My BF was already in the village and on arrival he told his close family members about the pregnancy it was going to be his first child. On X-mas day I started feeling fever and stayed in bed most of the day. I started getting a brownish discharge, a day after X-mas I went to the clinic and the doctor gave me some drugs, which he said, would prevent bleeding.

Last day of 2006 I was restless in bed got up before 6.00 p.m. when I went to the toilet I was bleeding, I knocked at my mother's door who was still asleep and immediately took me to a general hospital, there was a kind young doctor who was on her internship she examined me and told me that maybe it was the fibroids bleeding she gave me more tablets and I went back home.

Later in the day I got worse my mother had gone to church I was alone, I started bleeding heavily like a running tap I felt big lumps passing. When I read some of these stories I realize that at least some took a look at the tissue, it was dead but I should have taken a look, I simply flushed the toilet. I rang my mother and I was immediately rushed to hospital.

We were entering a new year there were very few doctors on duty, I spent a couple of hours in the waiting room I wanted to jump the line b’se it was too long there were those who had come before me, I couldn’t stand the pain yet I had to let go of the most preciously thing I wanted in life.

Promptly at the stroke of midnight 30 Dec 06, I was being wheeled to the theater people out there were celebrating and jubilating for entering the new year I could hear the fire works out there. When I woke up after the evacuation I heard a voice from one corner of the same theatre in which I was ‘ we have had a baby boy!!!’ I had lost mine those words still echo in my mind and they remind me of my greatest lose in life. What a terrible way to enter a new year. I have never cried the way I did that night, I have always cried for my baby since that day. The next morning I rang my BF he said ‘…I’m sorry…’ and came over with a friend to see me he continued coming to see me thereafter.

Six months after I got a miscarriage. My BF’s father feel sick around that time he had an operation and was hospitalized, we had never met before although I had met some of his brothers. My BF and his brother were taking care of him in hospital in turns. I went to see him in good faith and it was his brother and sisters turn. My BF wasn’t there. We had a chat about work and other general issues. A few days after I had seen his father I realized there was a problem my BF commented that he had a talk with his father about me, although he was not straightforward I could sense it wasn’t something good. I insisted wanting to know and he told me his father didn’t like me. It felt like a big blow in my face I felt so isolated all alone on an island. Although I was not there to witness what they talked I didn’t want to persist with the relationship.

I couldn’t sleep I had sleepless nights I would sit up in bed crying, yet I had hectic days ahead, I resorted to swallowing sleeping pills in order to get some sleep.

I had moved away from where I was staying, I now stay far away from him. I felt like garbage dumped on a rubbish heap. I felt I was hated and regretted why I ever went to see his sick father. I wasn’t the type who wanted to be in a relationship and hide it away yet my reasoning caused me pain. I don’t know if it ever crossed my BF’s mind what I was going through, but for me the pain is still fresh in my mind.

The pain of having lost a pregnancy was still fresh in my heart I really needed consolation and help from him and here I was being rejected. It really hurts losing a first pregnancy and being rejected thereafter. Meanwhile, I didn’t want to see him again because the more I saw him the more I could get hurt.

I always think if I only had my baby it would have been my only consolation but no consolation at all it really hurts.

For those of you who have had their husbands by their side during and after a miscarriage can try to handle, I know the pain doesn’t go but at least it is shared, I didn’t have that chance. For those of you who miscarried always thank God for the good husbands and in-laws you have after Please!

I know there are women out there quietly suffering the same consequences not knowing what to do. ‘We need help and we need prayer’.


Stephanie