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So unexpected

I have been so blessed with three wonderful children. We always thought we would have a fourth but were not ready yet when I found out I was pregnant. We spent a few days getting used to the idea. We knew it would all be fine, it just wasn't on our timeline. I hadn't told anyone, it was our secret.

I started to bleed while we were on vacation. After three very normal pregnancies, it scared me. I called the nurse's help-line through my insurance and they told me not to worry but I should try to see my doctor as soon as possible. We left the next afternoon and I started making phone calls from the car. I wanted to switch OB-GYN practices anyway but because I wasn't an established patient anywhere else I ended up dealing with my old practice. They told me to come in for a urine and blood test and to schedule an ultrasound at the hospital for the same day. My husband drove about 90 miles an hour all the way back. At the doctor's office they did the urine test and congratulated me on my pregnancy and then beat up my veins trying to get blood. At the ultrasound, the technician couldn't tell us anything and the radiologist didn't even really want to talk to us. They were vague. They maybe wanted to spare my feelings but I was scared and I was bound to find out sometime. They made me talk to my midwife on the phone at a reception desk. And she wasn't even straightforward with me. She tried to pad the news by saying, "They didn't find anything." Did that mean they didn't find anything wrong? I had to ask more questions. I finally got the truth. There was no baby, unless the pregnancy was growing in the tube.

I had to go in two more times to get blood drawn. After the third time they said my numbers had gone up not down. I was worried that I might still be pregnant, that they'd made a mistake and they should have been helping me stop the bleeding. No, the numbers should have been doubling every day, not just going up by a thousand in a week. After that I told her I just needed this to be over. She scheduled me for a DNC. I'd heard it was painful and awful. I was worried but really just needed some closure. I needed the hormones to go down. I needed to feel like myself again. For me, the procedure was easy. And the next day I felt great. It was like this huge burden had been lifted. I was lighter I felt so good.

Every day since then I feel myself sinking I little deeper into depression. I made excuses not to go to a friend's baby shower. I exclude myself from baby conversations. I had a dream last night that I went to visit a friend in the hospital after she had a baby and I had to fight the tears the whole time. I fight off tears at night. I fight the tears all day. When will it end? I'm so sad. No one told me I would be so sad. My midwife said it was just bad luck, she said it was just my turn. (See why I'm looking for a new practice?) I have a very thoughtful and supportive husband and I have some great friends. I am blessed. But I am still sad. My mind can work through it. I can sort it out logically. But I keep feeling depressed. I guess I will hope time can ease the pain. I have more empathy for women who must endure this. I had no idea how hard it is.

One important lesson I've learning is that I can't hold people responsible for information I am unwilling to share. I have kept this information very close and private. I have several friends who have made comments about when I will have another baby. These comments were made while I was in emotional agony and just putting on a brave face. They didn't know and I didn't wish to tell them. So I can choose not to be hurt or offended.


Mae

My little Angel Brandon

May 7, 2006 I delivered a baby boy that was stillborn. His name is Brandon. I was 28 wks pregnant when he died. Till this day it hurts me very much. It's been a year and it still feels like it just happened yesterday. I still have my days that I am very depressed. Now I am pregnant again, I am 24wks and I am scared to death of something going wrong with this one too. All I can do is count down the weeks and pray they go fast.

marleen

Baby something

When I first found out I was pregnant I was only 18. I was terrified and had no one to help me at all... so I decided to have an abortion. But when I heard the heartbeat for the first time I fell in love with the little shrimp growing inside of me...

I never told my boyfriend or my family, knowing full well one day I would have to... or hoping I guess. At 13 and a half weeks I woke up to the worst pain of my life and I was bleeding all over the bed...I found out I have hemorrhoids and I almost died that night because they couldn’t stop the bleeding. Ever since then I was told I will never be able to carry a child, that just giving birth to a baby will probably kill me.

So I know how everyone here feels, it broke my heart to see my baby go, and it’s still hard for me to cope.... But I know that one day maybe my miracle will come and I can have my baby angel. Until then I sit here and wonder what his/her laugh would have sounded like, and if my baby had my eyes.


christina

First Pregnancy Loss

I never thought that I would be writing a blog about a miscarriage, but I think it will help me get some of the emotions out. I miscarried today at 5 weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy. I teach at a high school and I started to miscarriage at my high school. I fully miscarried at the doctor's office. The pain was overwhelming, and I felt disgusting being checked while bleeding. I would never wish that on anyone. The doctor said that we could try again after my first cycle. I am hoping that all will work out the next time. What I am trying to figure out is if I am really upset as I feel or if it is my hormones because it hurts losing the baby way more than I can describe. To all the rest of the women, you are not alone.

God Bless~



christina

So happy to have my two children

Back in April I lost our 3rd baby at ten weeks, we have a boy 3 and girl 2 already so I consider us to be very lucky. I actually lost our 3rd on my little boy’s birthday. Then I became obsessed with trying again and my husband desperately wants/wanted more too.

But it was like something switched in my head and I realized that I had no support from him after the miscarriage. In fact, he went to work while it was happening to me on the Friday morning, maybe his way of coping I don’t know. He won’t and hasn’t discussed it with me since, has never asked how I am feeling but I now realize just how much hard work it would have been.

It’s now been five months and I see it as a blessing, it was meant to have happened, I still feel terribly upset thinking about it even writing this. But we have two beautiful children who are healthy and I want to spend my time concentrating on them. My husband however still wants more and is constantly on my case about having more even though he knows I don’t.

Looking back now I think I became obsessed about another child because I wanted something to 'look forward' to because there were serious problems in my relationship. And I thought a baby would make them ok, there are still major problems in my relationship and who knows what the future holds. My partner has told me he doesn’t know if we will stay together if I don’t change my mind. But I know if I have a baby for him I will resent it somewhere down the line, the sad thing is I would love him to be happy with me and our two kiddies but although he loves the two we have. He has his mind set on more, it was the miscarriage that made me sit up and think, so to all of you with supporting partners who show you love and understanding you deserve, good luck my prayers are with you. And anyone in my situation please think before you rush into anything, a baby won’t mend a rocky relationship.


eileen