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what have I done?

I have been going back and forth in my head for several days. This is my second pregnancy loss. My first one I came to terms in my heart that I wasn't ready, at least my body wasn't.. My husband and I married almost a year after that.Our first few months of marriage, we traveled and just enjoyed life. Then we decided lets try again.After unsuccessful attempts, my ob/gyn recommended we go to a specialist. We did, and we begun on the road to IVF. The IUI was unsuccessful..My specialist said we needed to be more aggressive due to my age 35 at this point. Well, after going the trial transfer and ovary stimulation ans actual transfer..yep we got pregnant! I was already taking progestrone, one dose per day..Then, my level was low and i was instructed to up the doseage and use vaginal inserts..Everything was going well, at least I thought..Going to the doctor every week, checking my hcg and having ultrasounds performed..Then one day, your growth isn't matching up to our records and your blood count is rising, but not like we want it..I was instructed to come back the following week for another blood and ultrasound..I prayed and did everything i was instructed to do..The next visit, we got a heartbeat! The IVF coordinator was surprised, I told her I believed in mircles..I was instructed to continue everything I have been told to do and come back the following week..Well, my husband and I was excitied..We just knew we were ok now because the last time, we didn't have a fetal pole or heartbeat. Now it''s time to go for our visit. We are with the ultrasound tech, and there was complete slience in the room..She goes out and comes back and tells us "This pregnancy isn't viable..there is no heartbeat. The doctor will meet with you..." We were in a state of shock! How can we go from having a heartbeat one week to not having one the next week.. While the doctor was tying to explain about chromosomes and the like, my body was numb. I didn't hear anything that was being said...The next day, I waited for my baby to pass..Nothing..then I went and got a second opinion. That doctor explained to me what he saw and agreed with my specialist-it wasn't viable..While, I heard him, I still had mixed emotions..then I realized, this is happening again. I called the doctor on Monday and decided to speed the process along..He inserted mistoprol the next day..That night, I began to pass the tissue. I passed this HUGE clot..When I looked in the toliet, I knew what it was..I asked my husband to come and get it out to place in the cup the doctor gave me for testing..When I went the next day to take my baby in for testing, I peeked in the bag at the cup..I felt helpless...The IVF coordinator felt sorry for me because she knew the strain and stress that I was going through.. I have been a wreck..I have to go back to work Monday and I need these last few hours to get my mind together. I am angry at the world.. I look around and wonder what have I done..Why me..Then I want to know why God let me experience this again..My friends and family and been trying to be helpful, but no one knows how I truly feel. I have been holed up in my guest room the entire week or so, except for Thanksgiving day..I forced myself to go out to visit my family and in-laws...My husband is trying to figre me out..He wanted to get out tonight, but I just couldn't..I can't talk to anyone.i am glad that I found this site to get this off my chest..Yeah, we have frozen embryos, so we can use them..But, we are having "my baby" tested to see what if anything is wrong. Am I being selfish if I don't want to use my frozen embryos if it is a problem? I jut can't handle another disappointment as such..Maybe my embryo are o.k. Ijust want to know why..I don't understand. we are two stable adults who decided that we wanted to wait until we married to have children..Now we are married, will we ever have our dream come true? I often wonder should I have done something different in my life..Maybe I should have had my babies early, but i wanted a college degree(s) and establish my self before having a husband and children.. I just want to now why? Maybe one day, I won't be angry with God and begin to pray again. I know he has blessed me and I have thoought about plebty of times when I needed him, he was right there, getting me out of situations I put myself in..I am thankful for his grace and mercy, but right not, I don't know what to say to him..can anyone relate or help me get thorough this? Thank you for listening and helping me get through this one day at a time

nicola

Our angel in heaven♥

I was 9 weeks and 4 days preganant when I misacarried. My pregancy started off wrong is what I was told by doctors. This is my first baby. Im seventeen years old and I was shocked when I found out about my pregancy, but a couple days later I was excited and happy and loved my baby with all my heart! I was willing to do anything for him or her. I had my first sonogram when i was 6weeks but couldnt see anything really, plus my uterus is tilted backwards. Later I had a doctor appointment for bloodwork and when it got in she said my hormones were a little low. I guess that should have gave me a hint but I wasnt so sure. She told me to get a sono done soon. I was 9 weeks when I had a sonogram done again and I seen and heard the heartbeat! But shortly two days later I began spotting lightly! I prayed to god everynight to help me and make sure I didnt loose my baby. One day it got heavy and I had to go to the hospital I had some cramps but not alot. As they did a ultrasound at the hospital I seen my baby but heard no heartbeat and seen no flicker. I kept telling myself he or she was still alive I made myself confident my baby was still alive, I just couldnt image my baby to be gone. When the ultrasound lady took it out I seen dried blood on it. Later the doctor checked me down there and an hour or two I was asleep and he came in and told me I had an imcomplete miscarriage, I thought I was dreaming so I asked him what he said and he told me again. I left and seen my doctor like he said to. I felt tortured to go in the doctor office and see these two preganant women and a baby in the waiting room. I just wanted to cry so badly!
I seen the doctor and she said to wait to see if the baby passes through. A couple days later I went back to the hospital I was in alot of pain! Every bump we hit in the car I was hurting. I was in the ER waiting and I kept having the urge to go to the bathroom like somthing was gonna fall, i was trying to wait till I got back to see a doctor. I couldnt wait any longer so I went to the bathroom with my mother and I seen some of my baby in my pad and when I sat up from the tolit I had a huge blood clot fall out there was blood all over the floor! My mom got the nurse and she took me back to a room, later on they did another sono and I still had parts of the baby in me. They kept pageing my doctor but she wouldnt answer and they couldnt do a D & C unless my doctor answered and she didnt. They sent me home and we kept calling my doctor and she wouldnt answer. I had to pass the baby out on my own it took a week and a couple days for the baby to be all out. I hated seeing parts of my baby on the pad, I just wanted to hold it and never let go but I had to flush it and that was tough for me to do. My fiance helped me so much! He was there for me and comforted me and he stayed strong, he held me when I cried and listened to everything I said and Im greatful to have such a caring fiance I truely love him.
Our little Angel is in heaven with God, I do not blame him for anything he seen somthing I couldnt see and took my baby to heaven. God helps us out all of us, God took our baby while it was young in my pregancy, I see it as if my baby was born or if I was farther along me and the baby could have suffered alot more. I was jealous of every preganant women but now Im fine with it. I still love and miss mine and my fiance's baby & we'll see him or her in heaven when our time comes. <3
&#9829;R.I.P. &#9829;
Baby Collins
- August 23, 2009 -
Mommy & Daddy love
& miss you Sweetie&#9829;

Misty

miss miscarriage

well here is my story im 21 years old my son is 2 n i aint with his dad me n my fiance wanted a baby n in june i found out i was pregnant n i was due feb 23 well i went flr an ultrasound n they couldnt find a heartbeat i was so sad n i was crying n crying had to hve a dnc the baby was 4 weeks i was 10 sad now were hoping to conceive another one

samantha

All I can do is keep breathing...

My husband had wanted children for several years before I agreed to start trying to conceive. I always felt that I wasn’t ready yet, and made every excuse I could think of for why we should wait. Then one day, it hit me: I was ready to have a baby. Not just that I was ready, but I was excited about it! Five months after going off birth control, I had another negative pregnancy test and was so depressed at the thought of another month of trying. A week later I still had not started my period. My husband thought I was crazy, but I had to know, so I bought a home pregnancy test. It came back positive! Words can’t describe my excitement at that point! Everything happened so fast after that: baby names, nursery furniture, hearing the baby’s heartbeat, discussing how/when to tell our family.

I started spotting a few days later. It was shocking and scary. My OB/GYN said all we could do was wait and see, so I set my mind to do that. Over the next 3 weeks, the spotting got progressively worse, until it turned to bleeding. Then the bleeding got progressively worst, and I started cramping. I think I already knew in my mind that the baby was gone when I went to see my OB/GYN again. She confirmed my worst fears. God bless those health care providers that have to deliver that kind of news. I passed the embryo the next day.

It has been 3 weeks since the miscarriage. We decided to try to conceive again right away, so I went back to charting my BBT and using an OPK. A few days after the OPK was positive, I started spotting all over again. I guess I didn’t pass all the tissue during my miscarriage. Starting from square one all over again…

I’ve cried a lot recently. I think the grief hit me much harder two weeks after the miscarriage. My husband and I just decided to wait a little while before trying again, which breaks my heart. I want a baby so bad, but I just don’t think my broken heart can handle trying again right now. I vacillate between sadness and anger. Sometimes I’m angry at God; sometimes I’m angry at my body for producing a baby that couldn’t survive; sometimes I’m angry at the unfairness of it all; sometimes I’m angry that no one knows what to say when I tell them about the miscarriage, or that nothing they say makes me feel any better.

Tonya

Moses

well it s hard to start im Diana i have Grave s Desease or hyperthyroidism im 27 im pregnant but as it happened before my pregnancy is high risk i have 8 weeks but instead of enjoy i kind or live in a nightmare why well i found out i was pregnant for the first time on november last year i had a hard pregnancy full of pain bleeding but i always had the hope everything was gonna get better during the time i was pregnant i went to the emergency room at least 30 times and a lot of regular appoiments too but even that i could finish my pregnancy my baby died at 21 weeks when i delivered on my house toilet i was or im in pain no one could help me dr used to tell me that there s nothing they can reaaly do and if it was gonna happen it was gonna happen i was devastated today after 1 year I am in the eighth week of my second pregnancy and i dont live in peace and I am afraid, and
every little pain makes me think the worst i dont know not know if I'll be able to have this baby
i 'm sick i i understand that and i take care of my self but is there's anything i can do to make things better? i wish i could know but
Losing my first baby I lost a lot of hope and i know still was not the proper time to get pregnant for the second time because l fear and i haven't relieve my grief im in a great need that someone could tell me that this time will be ok
but i have no hope ...
I'm not good with more words to express my regret and my feeling but I hope that those who have suffered this pain find peace and happiness ....i cant do this anymore.
This baby deserves the best of me and im gonna give it to her.

Diana