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Emily

I have two beautiful children. My first pregnancy I was 30, everyone at work kept telling me how swollen I was so I took my blood pressure and it was extremely high so I called my doctor and she told me to go to the hospital and be checked out. The nurse asked me who took my blood pressure (it was an inflatable wrist cuff) because she did not believe me when I told her what it was. After she took my pressure she had me put on a gown gave me some wipes, told me to pee in a cup and get into bed. She took my husband to the hallway and told him that they called an advanced life support ambulance for me to transfer me to a hospital with a NICU because our baby would be born in a couple hours.

Well the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were very nervous, all they did was take my blood pressure over and over, then they would just look at each other and then the sirens kicked in, they did not want me in their bus! I arrived at the hospital loaded with magnesium and then they put me in a padded bed for seizures and did an ultrasound to estimate the gestational age, I thought I was 30 weeks they said 24-26, I said no way because I knew exactly when my last period was, I even thought I knew the day I got pregnant, the doctors said no way and I must have had a period when I was pregnant!

Anyhow this was on a Wednesday and I had the BEST doctors at Oakwood Hospital in Dearborn, Michigan. They were able to keep me and my 3-pound something fetus until Friday afternoon when they did a special ultrasound called a biophysical profile where the doctor said to get me to the ER because my baby was dying in utero! Well we sped through the halls and my little 1 pound 13 ounce boy was born. I kept saying he would not cry since his lungs were so immature but he let out two little kitten meows, I will never forget that sound! Anyhow after another 7 days in the hospital for me, my blood pressure would not go down, they finally let me see my baby, I could not go to NICU because of the seizures. My boy came home 53 days after he born, he weighed just a little over 3 pounds He is 6 now and healthy as can be ! He is just the cutest little boy, too. Thin like the little boy in Jerry McGuire and Stewart Little but cuter, he is really precious!

We planned our second pregnancy after we had a pre-conceptional consultation, we wanted to know the odds of this happening again, there were there but not as bad as we had thought. We had to stay with the high-risk doctors, I was glad because I really like them. Anyhow 12 weeks into the pregnancy, I went in for regular check and they could not find the heartbeat, so down the hall for an ultrasound. Honestly, I almost felt as though the baby was gone and while waiting for the technician, I was telling myself that this happens, by the way this was the first appointment my husband missed, not because he could not be there but because he thought "it would change our luck" well there was a heartbeat but the tech left the room and I knew there was something wrong, we had been there before.

The doctor came in and said the baby's bladder was the size of a 36-week fetus. They would have to do further testing but the outcome looked grim. I called my husband and he came up and it felt like forever! The doctor came in the room and told us that bladder problems go hand in hand with downs syndrome and we will need an amnio and then they would know more. Then she added that sometimes these things can resolve in a female fetus but we could not get a sex. We had the amnio and waited for the results, by this time we were 17 weeks along and needing results because we did not know our options, all options. Well the results came back and the baby had nothing wrong with her except for her bladder. We were told that terminating would be an option since our little girl would have a 0% chance of survival. We were also told that this was SOOOO extreme that she would probably pass in utero because there was no way her little heart could take the pressure of the bladder, which by this time was unbelievably medically huge. We went in every week for a heartbeat check and she was so strong, the doctors could not believe it, I could not feel her move because she could not move because her abdomen was so big.

We got to the point of almost 22 weeks and I was so scared that she could be born alive to only live and suffer for a few seconds, minutes or hours but she would die, we knew that. At this hospital you can only medically terminate a pregnancy until 23 weeks. We thought so hard and decide that we needed to do this, we would be induced and go through labor and delivery. We changed our mind after we had our appointment, we found out insurance would not cover an "abortion” I was quick to correct the cold person on the other line, I told her how bad I wanted this baby and how much I loved her and she should NEVER use that word again. I decided that I could not pay a dime out of my own pocket to terminate my pregnancy, I still have mixed feelings about this, as I think I was ready to terminate because my husband could not go on any longer, he always said it was up to me that he would respect any decision I made about our daughter. I have to say I am glad that insurance would not pay this because this was never really what I wanted, my husband told me we had the money (about 10,000) I think he now knows how I felt about this. Anyhow we continued to go in weekly for heart beat checks, that all they did from 12 weeks was check for Emily's heartbeat.

She held on until 26 weeks, which amazed my doctors. I was in labor on and off for over a week, my contractions were the most unbelievable pain anyone could imagine, there was no amniotic fluid, it was all in her bladder, any urine her calcified kidneys could make was in her bladder, I measured 46 weeks (full term is 40) at 26 weeks, I was huge and could no longer breathe, so on one of our many trips to L&D they drained her bladder, they syringed 100 times the amount of liquid that a bladder can hold, it would have filled three 2 liter bottles. She still had a heartbeat all though this. We were going to be sent home because draining her bladder stopped my contractions, they told me to take a nap and I woke up in the most severe pain and I was ready, they called my doctor back and our little Emily was born sleeping.

I had asked God to not let her suffer, Emily knew our love, she never knew hate and I pray to this day she never knew what pain was. Emily's life began in me and her life ended in me and I take comfort in that. She was a beautiful peaceful looking doll baby, she looked a lot like her brother, they were born at the same gestational age, having a premature baby really made a lot of decisions hard as we saw what miracles happen in the NICU. I never asked for a miracle with Emily, I knew what God had planned for her and I had to let her go, I had a dream (I have many) where she was waiting for me in heaven and she was grown up and she was a little heavy and I knew as soon as I looked at her that she was my Emily. We held her for some time and had her baptized. Then we called the nurse to come and take her, I did not cry until she started walking out with my baby. The doctor who delivered Emily was so caring and so husband like, he is my favorite (there are 4 of them) he said he had never seen anything like this in 20 years.

We had her cremated and we brought her home and when I pass, I want Emily and our little dachshund put with my ashes. It took a lot of time for life to return to somewhat normal, 3 years later and my husband and I rarely talk about her, I talk about her all the time to friends but not to my husband since he does not like to talk about it. We never found out what happened to Emily, except that maybe is was something I was exposed to, I worked on a school bus and they think maybe the fumes, our buses ran non-stop and bumper to bumper. Needless to say, with our third baby my husband would not even let me go near a bus.

Our third pregnancy went well, I thought. The dr. said we should wait 6 months to get pregnant so we could grieve, let me tell me you, my arms ached, sometimes I woke up at night searching our house for the baby, so when those 6 months were up, we conceived. We had the regular screenings and at 15 weeks had that quad 4 and it came back indicating down syndrome, the office called us on a Friday and said we had an amnio appt on Monday. We went in for the amnio and the ultrasound looked good, the dr, said they could see downs about 75% of the time. My husband was a wreck, I love him dearly but sometimes he makes me so upset because I needed him to be in high spirits not so depressed. Well those were the worst 2 weeks of waiting we ever had. My husband told me he never wanted to know the sex of our babies but if the amnio came back ok he did not care about knowing he did not care about pierced ears (something we argued about with our first pregnancy).

Anyhow the phone call came and I was told everything was just fine! I cannot tell you how relieved I was, I was bawling and not breathing. I was so happy I forgot to ask the sex of the baby, I know some people think it is wrong but I wanted a girl, not because of Emily, I wanted a girl with her too, but because I simply wanted to have a boy and a girl! I had to call back and ask what the sex of the baby was. It was a GIRL! I called my husband and on his way home he stopped and got me flowers (something he never does) and the diamond cross pendent I had wanted, I have never taken it off since he got it for me. The nurse in the OR was going to take it off and I yelled at her and told her not to even think about it! Anyhow I developed gestational diabetes, bad. I was able to control it with diet and some exercise. I was proud of myself. We were induced at 37 weeks, I was getting pre-eclampsia again, and the previous two weeks I was getting a non stress test every other day.

Anyhow we tried another v-back, I actually went into labor waiting for a room, the drs and the hospital are in the same building) I labored for 23 hours and pushed for 3 hours only to have a emergency c-section again! Our daughter is 2 now and she is a head full of curly curly curls and the sassiest baby you ever heard, she is so sweet!

After all of this, I still want another baby, I have to have another baby. My husband says NO, he is too scared. We have been together 20 years, we were high school sweethearts. I am desperate to have another baby, I am terrified of what is going to happen to my family, I cannot stay married and resent him for this. I am scared too but there are NO guarantees in life, especially in pregnancy, you have to live life every day for what it is, if it is going to happen, it is going to happen, there are some things you have no control of. I really need to write this. Thank you for taking the time to read my story of the happiest and most sad times of my life.
TLN


TLN

Coping with the miscarriage of my second child

My story is probably a common one, but I hope that by sharing it I am able to offer support to other mothers who may be suffering as I am.

We conceived my first child the first month we tried. Our daughter was born a healthy baby after a somewhat difficult pregnancy. I discovered during my first pregnancy that I developed a rather large fibroid. This in itself was not unusual, but the doctors couldn't confirm that it wasn't malignant until the c-section.

When my daughter turned a year old we decided to try for number two. I figured at 36, I wasn't getting younger. Everyone assured me that I'd get pregnant immediately, as I had the first time, but this pregnancy took us six months of ovulation tests and trying. Finally I became pregnant in July.

Everything seemed to be going along fine until our first u/s at 8 wks 3 days, 9/4/07. We took our now 18-month-old daughter with us to see the heartbeat, but sadly there wasn't one. They kept saying that my dates could be wrong, as they measured me at 6 wks 3 days, but I just knew something was wrong b/c I knew when I ovulated.

They sent me home to wait for another u/s in two weeks and/or to have a miscarriage. I started to spot & cramp on Sunday 9/8/07 and the doctor's office said it would be like a heavy period. Well I did bleed and cramp on & off all week, but nothing prepared me for what would happen this past Friday.

I began cramping and it was very painful, I was crying, but assured my hubby it would pass as it had the days prior. I told him it was ok to go to work and that our daughter was asleep. Well the pain progressed until it was unbearable. I crawled to the shower, turned it on as hot as it would go and began pushing.

I realized I was in labor. My groaning woke up my daughter and I could only lift her out of the crib. I couldn't hold her, feed her or change her. Panicked, I called my cousin to come & get her.

The pain was the worst I have ever experienced, I nearly passed out before my cousin arrived. Luckily she took my daughter home with her and I finished my "labor" in the shower. The whole thing took about 3 hours.

The trauma from that experience is what has left me dazed. I wish that my doctor had prepared me instead of casually comparing it to a heavy period.

My hope isn't to scare anyone, but to let you know that this could happen and that it will pass. But, I think it is best that you keep someone with you and stay at home until the process is over.

My heart goes out to all the moms who are or have experienced this. I hope that you will remember that you are loved and that there is a baby in your future. Don't lose hope. Sending many blessings to all of you. Thank you for your stories, they help me get through each day.

J


Jonelle

So unexpected

I have been so blessed with three wonderful children. We always thought we would have a fourth but were not ready yet when I found out I was pregnant. We spent a few days getting used to the idea. We knew it would all be fine, it just wasn't on our timeline. I hadn't told anyone, it was our secret.

I started to bleed while we were on vacation. After three very normal pregnancies, it scared me. I called the nurse's help-line through my insurance and they told me not to worry but I should try to see my doctor as soon as possible. We left the next afternoon and I started making phone calls from the car. I wanted to switch OB-GYN practices anyway but because I wasn't an established patient anywhere else I ended up dealing with my old practice. They told me to come in for a urine and blood test and to schedule an ultrasound at the hospital for the same day. My husband drove about 90 miles an hour all the way back. At the doctor's office they did the urine test and congratulated me on my pregnancy and then beat up my veins trying to get blood. At the ultrasound, the technician couldn't tell us anything and the radiologist didn't even really want to talk to us. They were vague. They maybe wanted to spare my feelings but I was scared and I was bound to find out sometime. They made me talk to my midwife on the phone at a reception desk. And she wasn't even straightforward with me. She tried to pad the news by saying, "They didn't find anything." Did that mean they didn't find anything wrong? I had to ask more questions. I finally got the truth. There was no baby, unless the pregnancy was growing in the tube.

I had to go in two more times to get blood drawn. After the third time they said my numbers had gone up not down. I was worried that I might still be pregnant, that they'd made a mistake and they should have been helping me stop the bleeding. No, the numbers should have been doubling every day, not just going up by a thousand in a week. After that I told her I just needed this to be over. She scheduled me for a DNC. I'd heard it was painful and awful. I was worried but really just needed some closure. I needed the hormones to go down. I needed to feel like myself again. For me, the procedure was easy. And the next day I felt great. It was like this huge burden had been lifted. I was lighter I felt so good.

Every day since then I feel myself sinking I little deeper into depression. I made excuses not to go to a friend's baby shower. I exclude myself from baby conversations. I had a dream last night that I went to visit a friend in the hospital after she had a baby and I had to fight the tears the whole time. I fight off tears at night. I fight the tears all day. When will it end? I'm so sad. No one told me I would be so sad. My midwife said it was just bad luck, she said it was just my turn. (See why I'm looking for a new practice?) I have a very thoughtful and supportive husband and I have some great friends. I am blessed. But I am still sad. My mind can work through it. I can sort it out logically. But I keep feeling depressed. I guess I will hope time can ease the pain. I have more empathy for women who must endure this. I had no idea how hard it is.

One important lesson I've learning is that I can't hold people responsible for information I am unwilling to share. I have kept this information very close and private. I have several friends who have made comments about when I will have another baby. These comments were made while I was in emotional agony and just putting on a brave face. They didn't know and I didn't wish to tell them. So I can choose not to be hurt or offended.


Mae

My little Angel Brandon

May 7, 2006 I delivered a baby boy that was stillborn. His name is Brandon. I was 28 wks pregnant when he died. Till this day it hurts me very much. It's been a year and it still feels like it just happened yesterday. I still have my days that I am very depressed. Now I am pregnant again, I am 24wks and I am scared to death of something going wrong with this one too. All I can do is count down the weeks and pray they go fast.

marleen

Baby something

When I first found out I was pregnant I was only 18. I was terrified and had no one to help me at all... so I decided to have an abortion. But when I heard the heartbeat for the first time I fell in love with the little shrimp growing inside of me...

I never told my boyfriend or my family, knowing full well one day I would have to... or hoping I guess. At 13 and a half weeks I woke up to the worst pain of my life and I was bleeding all over the bed...I found out I have hemorrhoids and I almost died that night because they couldn’t stop the bleeding. Ever since then I was told I will never be able to carry a child, that just giving birth to a baby will probably kill me.

So I know how everyone here feels, it broke my heart to see my baby go, and it’s still hard for me to cope.... But I know that one day maybe my miracle will come and I can have my baby angel. Until then I sit here and wonder what his/her laugh would have sounded like, and if my baby had my eyes.


christina