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Gone in an instant

I remember it well. Christmas 2005 and the expectations of a new baby. My fiance and I had been pleasently surprised when the news arrived on November 9th after a home pregnancy test. But then the worst began. I had been to the doctor over the course of my weeks and everything had been fine, then my hormones fluxuated out of normal and safe conditions, I began to bleed. When a vaginal ultrasound was performed it was seen that there was one but abnormally small for its age. My body was ridding itself of what Mother Nature said was not right. January 8th, midnight, I had been bleeding regularly but lightly for about two weeks, when a cramp that would not quit came in a steady wave. I rushed to the bathroom as blood poured onto my carpet and bathroom tile floors. I knew what was happening, my doctor had warned me. The pain was something more then I could ever have imagined and it wasn't physical either, it was emotional too. My fiance rushed to my aid with warm water, towels and pillows, spasms tore at my stomach and there on the bathrom floor I miscarried. My mom came to me that night, knowing what had happened from a simple phone call from my fiance. She had experienced two miscarriages before me and she was calm and quiet as she cleaned up my baby from the floor. I couldn't go in there, I couldn't breathe, and I felt my heart tearing in two. She sat down beside me on the floor and cried with me for what seemed like hours. I was taken to the ER then by my fiance, both of us in tears to simply confim what we knew had happened. And there on the ultrasound was my now empty uterus. I cried until my eyes were dry. Looking back on it I realize that Mother Nature had only the best for my child in mind. But the emptiness inside is a void that can never be filled. Sometimes my dreams are haunted by my angel, and I will never forget. By sharing my story I am hoping other women like me can find comfort in knowing that they are not alone and that their babies are with God and nestled close to his loving heart. Helen Keller once said "The best and most beautiful things in life cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."
And to my precious baby I will never forget and I love the short miracle of time you spent with me.
Love

Love

Bye Bye Baby

We had decided that we definitely wanted a child to be part of our future. We had just bought our first house together and we started to discuss having a baby. I was very conscious of our ages (Lee is 33 and I am 28) and was under no illusion that it would probably take a year to conceive. I came off the pill and we agreed that we would not exactly try for a baby but would just let it happen. If there were no signs in a year then we would do something about it.

We were due to go to a music festival with friends and I knew there would be quite a lot of drinking so I did a test to ensure that I was not pregnant. The dog was hounding me to be taken out and I left the test longer than the recommended time. I thought I saw a very faint line but this had happened to me before due to leaving it too long so I thought 'not pregnant' . We went away and had a great time. However I realised on the last day that my breasts had been tender, maybe time of the month but.......

.....as soon as I got home I HAD to do a test and when I did the strongest pregnancy line was visable. I coudnt believe it! After the initial shock and fear it did not take me long to be pleased as punch about it. I told immediate family and my best friend straight away but that was it. We worked out that I was 6 weeks pregnant. I then immediately worried about the drinking at the festival and started reading loads of books. I was completely parniod that something would go wrong but I thought to myself that it was probably a natural feeling.

Within a week of knowing I had a cramp so booked an appointment with the nurse straight away. She carried out a pregnancy test which was also a strong positive, told me not to worry about it and make a midwife appointement at 10 weeks. She did however inform me of the miscarriage rate and that it would be nothing to do with my behaviour. Obviously at this time I had given up everything and was taking all my supplements.

A short while after we found out my mum came to stay and we talked and read and listed baby until Lee couldnt bear it any more. We were all so excited! Every thought I had and every plan I made involved the new person that would be joining us in a matter of months. I still kept saying 'if everything is ok' though.

Work had a different meaning to be now as well. For the past 9 years I had been a real career woman. I was in a good, quite well paid job and they thought a lot of my work but it just didnt matter any more. I could not wait to get big and fat and eventually go on maternity leave and every day I touched my belly to see if I could feel it harden. My waste did thicken and my trousers got tight. I knew people at work were thinking I had put on a little weight but I focused to when I would have my scan and be able to tell everyone.

I had my midwife appointment at 10 weeks and we left quite positve. It was becoming hard to keep it a secret so we started to tell our friends who were really chuffed for us. (Little did we know that our baby was already dead). Then the day came where I found a bit of blood in my pyjamas and I nearly burst into tears. It was a Sunday and Lee was in bed, he had just finished a night shift and I woke him with the worst words I could - I am bleeding. We went to A&E and they took me to the gyno ward. There I had an internal and blood take and the doctor seemed positive that all was well, my cervix was doing its job. Then came the scan. I knew something was wrong when he said he wanted a second opinion and I had to go back to my bed. The waiting was awful and I don't think that Lee really realised the severity of it. We were called back and scanned again. No hetarbeat could be found and it only measured about 8 weeks. They tried to give us hope but I knew what they were saying. We then had to wait to go home and all I wanted to do was burst into tears but not infront of a ward of people.

We had to go back to the EPU on Thursday to see if there was a change and I made the decision to go to work and hen have the Thursday and Friday off. I knew it would be likely that I would have to have a D&C as the baby had died at 8 weeks. If nothing else I wanted time to grieve

That week was the hardest week of my life. On Monday I got a promotion at work, all I thought was 'can I have my baby instead'. I couldnt concentrate, I had a short temper with people and I cried every night. Just getting in the bath was dificult, taking my clothes off. Lee couldnt understand those little things and said things like 'we will try again'. I have never been as angry with Lee as he made me at this time. He just didnt know what to do and still kept joking about in his normal way.

Thursday came. They told me what I already knew, my baby had died at eight weeks. I had already decided that it was a girl and I called her Ella - Lee still doesnt know this. We didnt want the scan - I regret that now so all I have is a photocopy. We had to make a decision of the next step and were given 3 options. To wait for a natural miscarriage, medical management (tablets to trigger miscarriage) or surgical evacutation. I could be waiting weeks for it to happen naturally and still have to go to the hospital and did not think I would cope very well with that. However I thought that it was best to let it happen as naturally as possible so agreed to medical management. It may sound strange but I wanted to see my baby too, to say goodbye. I swallowed a table there and then and had to go into hospital in 2 days for the remaining medication and for the physical miscarriage.

Saturday came. At 9am I took the first tablet and 20 minutes later had some quite bad pain. I worried a little at how bad this was going to be - I had no idea what to expect. 11am and the next tablets. 1pm and the final tablets. I said to Lee 'here we go, bye bye baby'. This was the longest afternoon of my life! We were told that I should have passed bye tea time but by 5pm no one had been to see us and I had not even bled a great deal. We spoke to the nurse and a doctor gave me an internal confirming that nothing was really happening. Ella didnt want to live in me and now she didnt want to leave me. They wanted me to stay overnight for surgery the next day but I just could not bear that so they agreed to let me go home. This was on the condition that if I bled heavily I would go back in and I could see that they were not happy about it

The next day came. 8am and back at hospital and in the same room. The registrar wanted to scan me again to see what was happening. The sac had worked it's way down so he tried to pull it out! I beared the pain but my cervix was not giving up without a fight and I was booked for surgery. This was now starting to feel like a medical misery and I almost forgot my real pain - losing my baby.

We again waited allll day. We had to wait for the emergencies to be completed and at 4pm I was at the end of my tether and in tears when they gave me the news that by now I was desperate to hear. It was my turn.

I woke with Lee by my side and my baby gone. That was yesterday. I am so glad to be out of that hospital. I was meant to be there in 7 months giving birth to my little girl but the reality was my worst nightmare. I feel like the unlukiest person in the world for my ordeal but mainly for my loss.

I do feel positive for the future and we will actually try for a baby again. I do hide worries too though. That I wont fall , that I will lose again, that my baby will be ill. I just have to try and put those to the back of my head. I hope I get the chance to be paranoid again but I hope that my fears are not realised again.

My understanding and thoughts go to all women who have lost like I have. Only we can understand.
xxx

Kizzie

Molar Pregnancy

It’s been a while and I am finally ready to share my story with you. I hope it will help to some people. It has been the most difficult time of my life.

I was pregnant with my second child last year. I have never been so happy. Everything looked normal. We heard the heartbeat at 7 weeks and then another one at almost 10 weeks. At my 14 weeks checkup there were no heartbeat. It looked like the baby died at 10 weeks. The doctor said that it looks like a partial molar pregnancy but the pathology result should confirm that first.

I had a D&C on 02/09/2006. The pathology report came back normal. The doctor said that it was just a miscarriage and I should wait for my HCG level to drop, wait for one cycle and I could try again. My HCG level did not drop in February or March or April. I started bleeding heavily. The doctor told me that sometimes it takes a while. I went for a blood test every other week and it never went below 47.

Finally I went for the second opinion. They did an ultrasound and saw some remaining tissue there. They suggested another D&C, but I did not want to do it because of the possibility of the infection. My regular obgyn did not think that I needed another D&C. He was the one who delivered my first child and I was confident in him. According to him the problem was not that I still had a remaining placenta, but that tissue was still living and was still producing the pregnancy hormone.

He suggested a shot of methotrexate (this drug is used to treat molar pregnancy). I had to choose between another D&C and a shot. I picked a shot of methotrexate (which is a chemotherapy drug). However, my HCG level went up from 47 to 75. Finally he referred me to the oncologist.

I went for a consultation and they’ve diagnosed me with gestational trophoblastic disease. They said: “the good news it is not cancer; the bad news that it gets treated like one”. I was facing chemotherapy. The oncologist suggested another ultrasound, CT scan of my lungs to make sure that it did not get metastasized. She also suggested starting chemotherapy on the same day.

I was terrified and was not mentally prepared to go through that. My answer was no. I went for another ultrasound and they saw the same thing – remaining placenta. The oncologist suggested another D&C before going ahead with chemotherapy. On May 4th I’ve had second D&C. A week after D&C my HCG level dropped down to 5 and a week later it was less than 2. I did not need to go through chemo.

I wish all of you best of luck. Please be persistent and listen to your heart first.

Natasha

Joy, sadness and new excitement

On august 12th i took a pregnancy test. My periods had been irregular for about 2 months now so i didn't expect the test to come out positive. When I seen it was positive and show it to my fiance, he was very excited but i was shocked. I didn't know if i was ready for the task of mother-hood but i knew that regardless i would love my baby. On the 29th of august i began i spot a little so i called my midwife. she said i should be fine unless i began to have cramps. well two days later i began to have server cramps that kept me from work. My fiance took me to the ER and i was diagnosed with threatened miscariage and was then told i should not go to work and be on bedrest...my symptoms minimized but i was not satisfyed until i knew exactly what was going on. my doctor had me do another US and then i was told that the baby product were on there way out. I was a bit devastated. my fiance was heartbroken because he was looking forward to the baby. and now bout 5 weeks later, i'm pregnant again. I'm trying my best to take care of myself and be careful. I know there was nothing i could have done to prevent it though...

Nikki

Coping

I'm hoping by writing this I will be able to cope more with my feelings and also share with others that, 'more than one' is more usual than I'd first thought .....

At 34 my husband and I have been trying to start a family for 7 months. In that time I have had two miscarriages, both at 7 weeks.

On both occassions I was overjoyed to see the two blue lines on the pregnacy test. The first time I went to the Drs and as I started to spot at 6 weeks was told it was normal, and to go home and see the midwife the following week. By the time I was due to see her, the bleeding was heavier and I was sent for a scan. By then there was nothing to see, I had miscarried. I felt like a fraud. I had suffered no serious pain (very weak back ache), I had one significant blood loss when I was very aware that I had lost the pregnacy. I was sat at the clinic on my own, (because I thought I could cope and tried to see it as 'natures way') when inside I was feeling like my world was turning upside down.

Last month once again, I was elated to find that I was pregnant. At five weeks I had a brown dischrage, this time I saw another GP. I told him about my previous miscarriage and was met with 'well - it's too early to do anything.' I was given absolutely no advice, support, not even told to go back at all!! Needless to say I sat in my car in floods of tears. I continued to spot for 2 weeks. Asking to see a different GP I was referred, once again for an early scan, once again I mscarried the day before I had my appointment. This time as before I had no pain. The evening before the scan, I lost the pregancy so quickly that I was physically sick. At least this time at the scan (I had an internal) it was clear that I had been pregnant. This happened 6 days ago.

Growing up, everything is about not getting pregnant, particulalry as I have until the last year put my career and building a stable home first. It never entered my head that getting pregnant and miscarrying would come to be one of the hardest and most important things I have dealt with.

I am lucky, my husband is incredibly supportive, but I am finding that I am giving myself a hard time for being upset, I am constantly tearful and am finding it so hard not to be angry. My mind is telling me that Im ok and having looked into the information about having more than one miscarriage I've realised that thisis much more common than I first thought.

My heart is wanting to hold the two babies that I have lost. We have planted a rose bush in the garden, as it grows it will remind us of the lives that weren't meant to be here this time but are always with us in our hearts.

Hayley