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2 Miscarriages

My husband and I were pleasantly surprised when we found out I was pregnant with our third child last Christmas. My joy over the news quickly vanished as my women's intuition took over.

Something did not feel right. I just had this bad feeling. I was very sick and lost a lot (over 15 pounds) of weight. I had some sickness with the first two pregnancies as well, but this just didn't feel right. We made it to 11 weeks and decided after my first OB appt and U/S that it was safe to tell our family and friends our exciting news.

I got home right away and shared a joyous email describing how active the baby had been during the ultrasound. Two weeks later, I woke up, went to the bathroom and found blood in my urine. I have had chronic kidney problems in the past and the blood was not coming vaginally, so I didn't even think miscarriage. I thought maybe I was having another kidney stone. We went to my OB and the ultrasound revealed that the baby had died and stopped developing.

I was at that point 13 weeks along and could not stand the thought of passing the lost pregnancy on my own, so I had a D&C. That was an awful experience, I lost three times the normal amount of blood and was severly anemic for three weeks and suffered from migraines all the while.

It was an awful experience and I never thought I would be able to try again after that- at least not for a good year. My 6 month check-up rolled around and after talking with my OB I began to feel more excited about the thought of trying to have another baby... a month later we were pregnant.

This time I was 7 weeks along when the cramping and spotting started. I called my OB right away and he had me come in for an U/S to check for the baby's heart beat. To our disbelief, the baby had not developed past 5w5D. Now it was my turn to play the waiting game, as this time I would miscarry naturally.

A week later, I have now started the cramping and heavy bleeding...

The first time this happened to us we were sad, now we are sad and frustrated. Why did this happen again? I am in shock. The first time around you are sad and think what bad luck, this time I start to wonder, what is wrong with me, what if I can never sustain a pregnancy again? I have been walking around numb, not really here. I am just so sad and lonely. I feel like I cannot tell anyone how sad I feel because everyone says, "miscarriage is so common, it just happens, it happened for a reason, it's better this way than something wrong with the baby." I know all that. It does not help me or make me feel any better. I now am grieving for the loss of my two babies... and I hope our two angels in heaven know how loved they were even though we never got to meet them. And I am left wondering if I will ever have the courage to try again. I never before realized how completely vulnerable you are during pregnancy.

I will never take another moment with my children, husband, or family for granted again. Life is too precious.

April

feeling so empty

my partner and I (his 25 and im 19) both have a life plan that didnt involve babies until another 3 years time- about a 1 month ago I misscarried with our first child , I had no signs that i was even pregnant until i ended up in emergency and being told they couldn't do anything to save the baby.. It has been so hard since then as i feel as if i failed my partner and the baby that was.Since that day i have had numbers and numbers of test and I was told a week ago that i will not be able to carry children of my own.I feel as if a peice of me is missing and im damaged.

My partner and I want children and its so hard not to feel empty - thankyou for letting me vent what i keep bottled

Amanda

amanda

Roller Coaster

I have experienced two miscarriages this year. With the first one my husband and i were devasted and were unprepared for the whole situation. We were positive about trying again and put it down to bad luck. To have it happen again feels too much to bare. It is 7 weeks now and i still feel incredibly sad. I am keen to try again just to find out why this is happening, i know that am lucky in many many ways. However it is hard for the desire to have a baby to not take over your entire life.

Good luck to all of you going through pregnancy problems, everyone says be positive its true but hard when you are feeling low and dealing with uncertaintly. x

laura

5 years of pain for 7 days of pure joy

I had always wanted to be a mommy. Ever since I can remember I have dreamed about it. We started trying to conceive our first baby during January 2001 - I was 24 and had been married for just over a year. Even though my hubby was scared and nervous about the idea of having a baby, we both decided that we would just stop preventing and leave it up to God. If it happened it happened.

For the first 2 years I plodded along forever expecting that I could get pregnant at any minute, forever feeling nervous to start a new job, or move house, or book a holiday, in case I got pregnant. We eventually sought help during the 3rd year TTC and after going through every treatment short of IVF still couldn't get pregnant. Diagnosis - Unexplained Infertility. We moved countries, and in the 5th year eventually decided to persue IVF. I booked my 1st appointment for 25 January 2006 and was so excited about it.

To our enormous surprise, my period didn't arrive on 7th January and it was usually like clockwork. I decided to take the dreaded pregnancy test. I hate these tests with a passion, because they represent such a huge disappointment for me.

Until that day I had never ever seen that elusive 2nd line. Until that day. I almost passed out when I saw an extremely faint 2nd line on the test exactly at the 5 minute mark. We were overjoyed!! I cried with happiness and relief - it felt as if a MASSIVE weight had finally been lifted from my shoulders.

I remember lying there on my bed that night with my hand on my tummy imagining my precious tiny baby growing inside me. I just couldn't believe that it might be possible that we had actually gotten it right. Confirmed by a blood test the following day, the doctor had said that Yes, I was indeed pregnant but my numbers were on the low side. They were 98 on 15DPO, which I didn't think was that bad.

We told everyone we knew and they were ecstatic for us. This was such a miracle for us that we just couldn't keep it to ourselves. A few days later, I noticed some brownish spotting and cried my eyes out with worry, only to be told that it was normal and old blood. It seemed to go away over the next two days.

I woke up the following Saturday, 1 week after finding out, to the sight of red blood. Panicking, we rushed to the GP. She sent us to the A&E for a scan. All the while the bleeding was getting heavier. I knew in my heart that it was over and that we had lost our baby. Finally we got the scan. The nurse looked for 15 minutes before finding a tiny sac which measured 4 weeks and 5 days. My heart breaks when I think of my darling hubby who was so excited to see the sac, "There it is!!" he shouted! But I knew I was supposed to be 5 weeks and 1 day along.

We went back to the room to wait for our HcG blood results. Steve asked me what it should be. I guessed about 2000 or so to be in with a chance. I was totally unprepared for that moment when the doctor came in and told me the count was only 18. 18!!! I sobbed my heart out and couldn't even listen to what he was saying. "It's probably for the best... " BULL$h1T! Up until that moment my poor Steven had still believed everything would turn out okay. The doctor pretty much ran out of the room "to let us come to terms with it"...?

After paying the bill, we went out to the car and in the parking lot, Steve just burst out crying. We held each other there crying, while people just stared at us.

I will have the scan of our little baby (even though it was too small to see) as well as the 5 pregnancy tests I took. Sometimes it doesn't feel real, but when I look at those I know our baby really was here. Even today, 8 months down the line, I am still not over it. I will never be over it. My little one would have been due in just over 3 weeks and I'm taking it so hard. Even today I took another pg test which showed that all too familiar single line. I haven't stopped crying all day - maybe its specifically hard this time because I know I wont be pregnant again before the due date of my precious first baby. It took us 5 years to conceive that baby and Im so scared that it'll never happen again. I feel like giving up, I don't know if I have the emotional strength to go through all this time and time again never knowing if we will ever succeed. But when I look at someone else's beautiful baby, I know I can't give up.

People might think that 5 weeks is too early to care about a baby or grow to love it, but we already loved that little soul more than anything. It proved to both of us just how much we want to be parents, especially Steve. It was the best, happiest week of our lives knowing that our 1st child was on its way to us and even though my miscarriage is the most painful thing I have ever gone through, I would not give up the short time I had with my child.

My little one will be in my heart forever, I am already a mommy.

Janine

Tell me it's not true

My husband and I were trying to concieve for almost a year and a half. When I found out I was pregnant last April with my first child I was so exited. I could not believe we had finally made it. I started telling everyone, frineds, family, co-workers and everyone was so happy for me. It was a dream come true. My husband was as exited as I was, and wanted to buy things as soon as we found out. We went to different stores, compared prices but since we didn't know wether it was going to be a boy or a girl we decided not to buy anything until we knew.

When I was about 6 weeks I went to my first appointment. I expected an ultrasound but it didn't happen. The doctor told me he would do it by the 10th week because the baby was still too small and he thought it wasn't necesary. I was a little dissapointed, but I managed to deal with it. Everyday I thought how this baby was going to be, who he/she was going to look like, everyday I thought about things only mothers know about. To my surprise, when I was 8 weeks along, while was laying in bed watching TV, I felt this horrible pain that lasted like 10 seconds. I checked for blood and saw nothing.

The next morning when I went to the bathroom I saw a little spotting in the underwear a a little bit of blood in the bottom of the toilet. I would say about the size of a nickel. I was so desparate and scared!! I called the doctor but the office was closed, I had to wait until the next day for a chekup. I went, they gave me an ultrasound and confirmed the baby was in there. I saw her/him for the first time, I was so happy and relieved. The doctor told me that spotting was normal during the first trimester, that he thought I had nothing to worry about but made me take some blood test just to make sure.

The very next day I took one test and 2 days later I took the other. A family member picked up the results and told me everything seemed fine. I was so happy!. Then a few days later I had my appointment so I went to my relative's to pick up my results and head off to the OB-GYN. When I fist took a look, everything seemed fine, but when I started reading I suddenly realized that nothing was right, on the contrary, everything was wrong. The results indicated that the baby had stopped growing and I was going to miscarry. I instantly started shaking and became very anxious.

When I got to the doctors office for my appointment I felt so sad, but one of the ladies who was sitting next to me told me that the same thing happened to her and that she took the test again in another place and instead got the good news that everything was fine. Can you believe it? She was doing fine, the baby was doing fine, and so I thought maybe I'm doing fine too. So I went in, a little nervous, and told the doctor what I thought. He told me It could be possible, that I 've had gotten a mixed-up result and also gave me instructions to go to a specific place to get an intravaginal sonogram to chek for some heartbeat. Meanwhile he took an ultrasound (from my belly) and confirmed the baby was a little bigger than the last time, but told me that it appeared to be too small for the time I expected to have.

So I went the very next day for my intravaginal and as I was going in I felt calmed. I thought to my self "everything's going to be fine". A nurse came in, the sonogram began and I expected to hear a heartbeat, but didn't. Since this was my first pregnancy, I didn't know if it was normal or not. I thought maybe The monitor's volume is down. All the time the monitor was behind me so I couldn't see a thing. I saw her writing in a computer, then taking some measurements. Minutes went by, the sonogram was over and I never saw or heard anything. I thought to myself "this is strange". I thought it was going to be like in the movies, when they show you your baby, and you hear the heartbeats. But figured, maybe they don't do it like that in real life, or maybe she was just in a hurry and didn't feel like talking much. The only thing I heard was " you can come pick up the results by 1:00 pm". And so I did.

When I get the envelope, the first thing I see is my baby's picture with measurements and everything. As I go on looking through the pictures I notice this white paper, which had the bad news...

it read " A single pregnancy with an aprox. age of 8 wks. bla bla bla . No heartbeat was found.... fetal demise. I was inmediatly shocked and started crying. I was 10 wks when I found out, so it meant that my baby had been dead for 2 weeks and my doctor didn't even noticed it when he took the ultrasounds. I was devastated, my husband of course was beside be through the whole process. We were both criying and I could seem to stop feeling useless.

We imediatly went to the doctors office where he told me "these things happen" and scheduled my D&C for three days after. Those days were the worst days of my life. I couldn't stop criying, only when I slept and if could even. All the time I thought " how is this possible? why me? This can't be true!! after all this time and now what? Did I do something wrong? Did I cause this?, and the worse feeling of all is the fact that I was carrying something I loved so much, but was never going to get to see or hold in my arms. The fact that my baby had been dead for a while now and I didn't even know. I still had my morning sickness, I still had all the symptoms. I did not see this comming!!!

Finally the worst day came. Went to the hospital, everything was done and after that it was crying every day for weeks. I couldn't face anyone, I couldn't speak, eat, sleep, I couldn't do anything. I just felt like dying. It took me a while to face it. It's been two months since my loss and I still cry. I never knew what caused it, and never will. That is something that will hunt me for the rest of my life. My doc. tells me I can start trying soon but I'm so scared. If this happens again, I might not be able to go through it. It is an emotional rollercoaster, but instead of going up and down, it's just going down.

I was relieved to know I'm not the only one that has gone through this. For a while I thought these things didn't happen often since I don't personally know anyone that has experienced it. I feel sad everytime I see a newborn in a parent's arm. And I get so mad when I hear people say "I'm pregnant, but I don't want it". All the time I think they should be gratefull for what they have, for what they're about to experience. I would give anything to have that !!! and I'm pretty sure there are thousands of women who would too.

Life does work in strange ways, sometimes people who don't want to be parents are blessed with many children, while others that are dying to be one, may never get that chance. It is c-r-u-e-l. Life isn't fair.

E.M.