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Surprised

Where to begin? Well my husband and I had planned a perfect pregnancy and it was going great, I had gone to every appointment and had my first blood work done, we were so excited and an ultrasound had been planned and I so happy to be having a baby that was planned like it should be.

The day before we were to go get the results from the blood test something horrible happened, I started bleeding badly and the pain was incredible, I couldn't even walk. I went by ambulance to the hospital and they told me the pregnancy had been terminated so they sent me for an ultrasound. So we waited for an hour for the ultrasound to take place when it came to that time we were hopeful everything was fine and by the looks of the ultrasound to us it all looked fine we didn't know, then the radiologist came in and reviewed the ultrasound and it was worse than we had ever thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy and the pregnancy had to be terminated, I was 10 weeks and it was life threatening now for the doctors fear my fallopian tube might rupture.

My husband comforted me as I cried a few minutes later I was in emergency with two iv's in both arms and they were preparing me for surgery, my husband and I were terrified, it would be two hours before the operating room would be open so they sent us to a nice private room to wait until the surgery. The two hours seemed like forever then the time came I was put in a gown and was rolled into the operating room where I was put to sleep and two hours later woke in my hospital bed where my husband sat beside me I was happy to see him and for the ordeal to be over and to go back home and try for another baby.


amy

My little angel's story

I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant. I was happier than i've ever been in my whole life. I had such an easy pregnancy, not even a little morning sickness...until I was 18 weeks.

I was 18 weeks pregnant when I lost my son...I remember every detail of that day like it was happening before my eyes...It was Sunday morning 3/18/07 and I was doing laundry, I felt like this really uncomfortable pressure which was weird but it didn’t concern me until about half hour later when it kept coming and going. It wasn’t painful it was just uncomfortable and I told myself if it kept happening I was going to call my doctor...so I finished up the laundry and went home. I immediately went to lie down cause it just didn’t feel right. About 5 minutes later I decided to go to the bathroom...when I did I felt so much pressure and it felt like something was coming out...It felt like a bulge of something and when I looked down there was blood everywhere, it was so much I thought I would pass out.

I screamed for my boyfriend to help me and when he ran in I told him I was bleeding and I couldn’t stand up cause I felt like the baby was just going to fall out. I was shaking and we both cried until the ambulance came to get me. I got to the hospital around 4 and they told me because I wasn’t 20 weeks I had to wait downstairs until they can take me...so now I am sitting in the ER triage room and I’m bleeding and I'm still having this pressure (which come to find out later that they were mild contractions) and they just left me there for 4 hours before I was seen by a doctor. When the doctor came in she told me that it could be that my placenta was just low and that could be monitored.

She did an ultrasound with a really shitty u/s machine that had no sound and she told me that the baby wasn’t moving...my heart dropped...she said that the baby could just be sleeping and she couldn’t check the heartbeat with that machine so I had to wait for the tech to come...which was about 45 min later. The tech did an ultrasound and when I saw my baby’s heartbeat I just wanted to melt...my baby was alive but the tech didn’t look too reassuring. When the doctor came in her exact words were "the ultrasound is very concerning, it looks to us that you might be going into premature labor...your baby still has a heartbeat so that’s good, we can take you upstairs and try to stop it but if you’re 6 centimeters dilated like the u/s shows...I’m afraid there's nothing we can do..." I just stared into space for about a minute and I just lost it...I was going to lose my baby and everyone was just going to stand there and do nothing. So they brought me upstairs and checked my cervix and they said they could feel the sack where my baby’s feet were, he had already started to come down. They told me that I was 6 cent dilated and with a full term baby I would’ve had to be 10 but because I was 18 wks I could probably deliver him at 7-8.

They said I had 3 choices, I could either induce labor and get it over with...I could just let what was happening happen and see where it goes...or they could tilt me back to take pressure off my cervix and give me meds to stop labor. They told me that the chances of that working were slim to none because I was already 6 cent and he was already trying to come out and even if it did work I would have to stay that way for 6-7 more weeks for my baby to have a fighting chance. I closed my eyes and prayed...and I thought about my little baby’s heartbeat and decided that if he was still fighting for life then I would fight too...I thought there was no way in the world I could deliver my baby knowing he wouldn’t survive without knowing that I did everything I could to stop it. And so it was...they tilted my bed back with my feet above my head and started meds...needless to say it didn’t work, contractions kept coming stronger and faster and longer. They gave me so much morphine I threw up...and I was literally screaming in pain.

I had to push but I refused. So the pain got worse. I would not let myself deliver him I knew the outcome...so I held it in. Hours went by and I still felt like I had to push and eventually the contractions itself were pushing the baby down on its own. I had to push and I couldn’t stop it. The doctors came in and the world was blurry from there...about 30 minutes later at 3:15am on Monday 3/19/07 my little angel was born into heaven. When I pushed him out I looked over at my boyfriend who just had his head down crying and I told him it was over.

I looked down and I saw his little hand curled in a fist and his tiny head with no hair on it. I looked at the doctor and asked her if he was gone and she said yes and I asked her what it was and she said a boy with tears in her eyes. I just cried. The doctor came in but honestly I don’t remember what he said...the world was blank after that. I stayed in that room for an hour just listening to other moms pushing babies out and hearing them cry...I really just wanted to die. The next morning was hell. My family came to support me but I was a wreck. I didn’t know if I wanted to see my baby because I was afraid what to expect.

The nurse explained that he looked like a little baby...no different. I decided we wanted to baptize him and that was when we all saw him. They rolled him in and I felt like someone stabbed my heart out. He was perfect, so beautiful and small. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him but I could barely see through all the tears. Everyone was crying even the nurse and when the priest was done they took him away...along with my whole heart. I went home later that day with a little box with his little hand and feet prints, his hat and blanket, the shell they baptized him with, a few poems, and some pictures.

My life just hasn’t been the same. I found out I had an incompetent cervix and I spent the next few weeks blaming myself. I was supposed to protect him and I couldn’t...my body rejected him. I think about my son everyday and wonder why this happened to him...my little angel took my heart with him to heaven. I miss him so much but sometimes people dismiss my feelings with the impression that it doesn’t hurt that bad because I didn’t get to know him...but I did...he grew within me for almost 5 months, I know him better than anyone could know him. People will say he did not live because he was gone when he was born...but he did live...for 18 weeks inside me. People will say that it will get better...but it won’t...I’ll just learn to live with it. People will say I could have other kids...my baby was not replaceable. People will say it was God’s will...saying this will only make me want to kill myself. People will say that I will be a mom ONE DAY...but I AM A MOM...and I just need people to realize that.

Ricardo A.Baez, Jr. ~ March 19, 2007
0 pounds, 7.25 ounces
10 inches

Mommy loves you always baby boy


jen

My Precious Little Angel

I never expected to be pregnant so young, I was getting ready to go to college and become a lawyer, I am only eighteen years old. I became pregnant the first time that I had intercourse with my boyfriend. It was a complete shock to me. I started having funny feelings and sensations in my stomach the first week of my pregnancy, even though I didn't know for sure that I was pregnant yet. I hadn't taken a pregnancy test but I knew that I was feeling something. I was in denial of my pregnancy because I was so young. I started having some light bleeding and thought that my period was coming so I quickly dismissed the idea of pregnancy. Sure enough, my period didn't come. I decided to take a pregnancy test with my boyfriend waiting for me in my living room. I waited one excruciating minute for the results and it came out: Positive!

I was scared about my future, my family, and my baby. I knew that this baby that I was holding inside of me was my responsibility. When I told my boyfriend, he was scared too and we both just held each other and cried. I quickly fell in love with this baby and I knew that my baby was a boy. When I was six weeks pregnant, I had to go to my doctors’ office on an emergency visit because I was spotting bright red, the doctor told me that my baby was fine and healthy and I had nothing to worry about. About two weeks later, I had pelvic pains and was spotting yet again, so I went back to my doctors’ office and they kept reassuring me that everything was fine. I had several pelvic exams and blood tests that tested for everything, but everything kept coming up fine.

I had a prenatal appointment on week twelve of my pregnancy, I saw my baby on the ultrasound screen for the third time, this time, and it looked like a baby instead of a jellybean. I felt so emotional because I loved my baby so much and to just see it on screen made me feel even more love. It was hard for the doctor to measure the heartbeat of the baby because the baby was moving around too much. The baby even showed us its little tooshie on the screen. I was so happy and proud. My boyfriend and I decided to get married in order to provide a better life for our child. We were so happy and I would wake up every morning and ask my baby what it wanted for breakfast and I would always talk to it.

About a week later, I had a dream that I was in the bathroom and my baby came out, I screamed and cried and just held my baby in my hands. I woke up crying and tried to dismiss my nightmare as pregnancy nightmares that I had read about. A week later, I started feeling severe pelvic pains and I told my mom about the pains, but she said that they might just be normal. I have never been pregnant before, so I didn't know what to think. A whitish, mucus filled discharge was coming out of me so I called my doctor at about 11 o'clock p.m. The doctor told me that everything was fine and that my pains were normal and everyone feels that way. The next morning when I woke up, I was eating breakfast, but my pains got stronger.

About ten minutes after waking up, my water broke. I couldn't believe it, I was hysterical, and I screamed and cried and yelled. My sister got scared and called my husband to get home from work and he rushed home. Five minutes later, we were on our way to the hospital. On our way there, I called the doctor and instead of telling me to go to the nearest hospital, he instructed me to go to one forty-five minutes away! During the whole car ride I was crying and screaming, not because of the unbearable pain, but because I wanted my baby to be fine and alright. It didn't take long for the nurses to put me inside of an emergency room suite, but it did take the doctor a long time to come in. I had requested an ultrasound exam before my pelvic exam and they said they would give me one but they didn't.

The nurses were trying to listen to the baby's heartbeat but they couldn't, that's why I had requested an ultrasound machine before the pelvic exam because I knew that the baby moved around a lot. About forty-five minutes later, the doctor came in and told me that he was only going to do a pelvic exam on me, he asked the nurse to get something that looked a lot like big scissors, the next thing I knew, he was pulling my baby out and he told me "You're having a miscarriage." I yelled at him and asked him why didn't he tell me, I was so hysterical the whole time, I was screaming and crying and moving around. The nurses had to inject me with something that soothed the pain and put me to sleep, but I was so emotional that I refused to go to sleep. My husband was standing next to me and saw the doctor pull the baby out and he too cried hysterically.

I asked the doctor what my baby was and he told me that it was a boy. I had known it the whole time; I knew my beautiful angel was a boy. At that moment, I didn't want to be in this world anymore if my baby wasn't with me so I wanted God to take me with him and my baby. I got to hold my baby, his name is Brian Andrew Orlando, and he was a really big baby for a fifteen-week-old baby. I held him in my arms, talked to him, and told him that I loved him so much. It was so hard for me to accept that he was gone; the doctors kept telling me that God needed another Angel in Heaven with him. The rest of the time at the hospital was unbearable, I wanted my baby back and pleaded with God to give him back, my parents came to visit me at the hospital and I tried to be strong, but as soon as my dad said that he was sorry, I cried. Later, I found out that I had bacterial vaginosis. I couldn't believe it! After more than six pelvic exams, blood tests, and pain, the doctors didn't detect anything and told me that I was fine! After all of the symptoms that I knew weren't normal that I was experiencing and the doctor telling me that I was fine! I was furious! If the doctors had detected the infection earlier in one of my many pelvic exams, they could have given me medication on my 12th week prenatal check up which was the last time that I saw my baby alive and everything would have been fine.

I was so enraged that I thought that I was literally going to go crazy. It is really hard for me to trust doctors now due to my experience with all of the doctors who attended me. A week and one day later, a funeral was held for my baby. My husband and I go visit Brian every Sunday and talk to him and just tell him how much we love him. We also tell him that we will be with him one day soon. I don't understand why things happen in life, I don't understand why I am a good person who loves her baby so much and lost her precious gift, while other women abuse their children and they keep on having children. I have learned to accept the passing of my little child and he has changed me. I always try to show model behavior that I know that Brian would be happy and proud of. I know that one day I will be with my Angel someday and we will play together and love each other forever. I a wait the day when God will bless me with children again, but I decided that I will prepare myself for the future in order to provide a better life for my future children.

My baby will always be mine, as well as I will always be his. I will live my life for him and wait the day for God to take me to him. God always has a plan for everything and even if you can't understand why things happen now, God knows what he is doing and he'll always bless you. I thank God for Brian, my Angel everyday, he has changed my life in a miraculous way and the world has truly become a more beautiful place because he was in this world for a few short weeks and made me see the true beauty of life, love, and God.


Jessica

my little angel

My husband and I had been married for 3 years. We decided it was finally time to start a family. We had wanted to forever, but kept putting it off because of the heavy financial burdens we had. We decided we would always have a lot of bills. So, we quit using condoms and figured whatever happens happens. I thought it would take me a while to conceive. It took my mom 10 years of trying before she got pregnant. In the mean time I joined weight watchers. I figured I would get pregnant easier if I was at a healthier weight. I did so good the first week of weight watchers. I didn't cheat at all. I went to the first weigh in expecting to have lost about 5 lbs. I did weight watchers in the past and would always lose 4 or 5 lbs. my first week on the program. To my dismay, I only had lost 2 lbs. I didn't see how this was possible. I followed the plan to a tee. I then got to thinking.... my period is a little late. However, my period was always off a little. I decided to take a pregnancy test the next morning. I could not believe my eyes when the test came back positive. I went to the store and bought 4 more tests. They all came back positive! I could not believe I was pregnant already. We had just decided to start trying. I felt like I was in a dream. I was so excited but scared at the same time. I could not believe my body was carrying a little life inside it! I was going to be a mother!! When my husband got home from work I told him the news. He could not believe it either. I showed him all the tests. We were both so happy!
I had called and told just about everybody the news! Everyone was so surprised and happy at the same time. When I went to work the next day, I told everyone there. I know you're supposed to wait 3 months before you tell people, but I could not wait!! Everybody was so excited!! They were all allready talking about throwing me baby showers. I was really getting into this.
I had gone to several doctor appointments and everything seemed to be going well. I hadn't even been gaining any more weight. Actually, the next couple of doctor appointments I started losing a couple pounds every time I went to the doctor. No one seemed to be concerned about this though. I finally went to a doctor visit and got to hear my babies heartbeat for the first time. Wow... it was amazing! It was such a loud and strong heartbeat. I brought a tape recorder with me to record it for everyone. I couldn't believe how loud it was at 13 weeks. It was just amazing to me!!
My next doctor's appointment was at 17 weeks. I was feeling very excited because my husband got to go with me to this visit. He was going to get to hear the heartbeat this time for himself. However, I just had a weird feeling that something wasn't right. I blew it off as being typical motherly feelings. When the doctor put up the little thing that looks like a microphone to my belly, we heard nothing. He moved it around and still nothing. He didn't seem to be worried though. We kind of just thought the baby was in a weird position. The doctor went in to get the ultrasound machine. My husband and I were kind of excited because we would actually get to see the baby and maybe even the sex of the baby. Doctor put the ultrasound machine on my belly and still no sign of a heartbeat. He then went and got the vaginal ultrasound. He hooked up the machine and still found no heartbeat. I could tell by his face, he didn't have to say anything. My baby was dead. The doctor showed us the picture of the baby and where we should see the heart beating. The picture showed a perfect looking little baby. It was heart breaking. I broke down in that room. I now felt like I was in a nightmare. It didn't feel real. My baby couldn't be gone. But it was....it was back in heaven with my dad that passed away 7 years ago. My baby was truly my little angel. It's amazing how you can love something so much that you have never even really seen or laid eyes on. I will miss that baby forever.
I had to be scheduled for a d&c later that day. My mom and husband were by my side. I could not quit crying. I just couldn't accept my little angel was gone. The d&c was quick. I was put under and when I woke up I was dizzy but felt ok. It was weird to think there was no more baby inside me. I really missed it. When I got home my husband finally broke down. He started crying hysterically. We both held eachother and cried together. This was a sad sad day.
They call the type of miscarriage I had a missed miscarriage. It's when the baby dies, but never expells itself. My body gave no signs of a miscarriage. My body still thought it was pregnant. They don't know why this happens. I guess it's usually a chromosome abnormality.
My husband and I are counting down the days until we can start trying again. I am deathly afraid this is going to happen again. My doctor reassures me that my next pregnancy should be a healthy one. All my blood tests revealed that nothing was wrong. So, I pray that I don't have to go through this again. I don't think I could handle it! I will never forget the baby I lost. It holds a place in my heart forever. I will look back a year from now and think that my baby would be a year old now. The pain I feel will never go away, it will just get easier to cope with. The only thing that makes me feel any better is knowing that my little angel is back in heaven.

amber baker

The Vincent Diaries

Friday, August 24th
I just wanted to send out an email to everyone to let them know about my little Vinny. Wednesday after work I went to the Doctor and she could not hear a heart beat. I went to St. Joe's and pretty much saw a lifeless limp little body on the ultrasound. They induced labor and about 24 hours later, Thursday at 7:09 pm Vinny was born. He was 1 pound 12 oz and 13 ½ inches long. He was so beautiful. He looked exactly like Doug. He has Doug's eyes, hands, & arms shapes. He had little side burns. He was perfect. No one but the Lord knows what happened. I am not mad at anyone and I do not blame God. I KNOW that Vinny is in heaven. He was too perfect to be in a world like ours. The hardest part is going to be getting over this. Doug and I had so many plans for the little guy. His Nursery was finished and his closet was full of clothes. I had his 1st Thanksgiving & Christmas planned. I had a scrapbook started, a journal, I was writing him a book. I do not know how I am going to get over this but I have the best husband and family to help me through it as well as the Lord.

Sunday, August 26th
I just wanted to let you all know that I am not mad at God at all. Vinny was too perfect for this world. Looking back now I think I felt this was going to happen. I planted a tree in my garden for him when we first found that we were pregnant. My idea was to watch the tree grow as Vinny grows. God's idea was to have something to serve as a memorial for him. I had a dream about a week ago that I was holding a baby and I was crying. I thought they were happy tears but now I know that is was of the grief to come. God was preparing me. I was writing a book for him about what his life in my belly was like called "Before you were Here" and almost finished it. I just needed a picture of my doctor and a few pictures of the pregnancy classes we were going to start this week. Since he came so soon it did not have the ending that I anticipated but I guess that when a child dies before a parent the only advantage is knowing that they went to heaven. Vincent means "Victorious" and Engel means "Angel". He is a Victorious Angel. He conquered this world by going straight to heaven. I cannot wait to see him again. I am sure he is looking forward to showing his Mommy and Daddy around. I know he will be so missed! We had his whole future planned out from dedication to graduation. But the Lord has better plans for us. He knows the beginning and the end. Someday we will find out all the answers to the questions we have and things will look so obvious. I am trusting wholly in the Lord on this.

Tuesday, August 28th
I just wanted to let you all know that around 2:30 AM Tuesday morning, I woke after having a dream. I was in some sort of department store and Liz (a friend from church) called me on the cell phone and told me and Doug to go to this place. There is a lake near our home that Doug and I used to walk around when I was pregnant. We went there and after walking around for a while we noticed Jesus illuminated on the water. It seemed like he was so bright that he was almost in black in white. He has his arms open and we ran to him. I woke up and told Doug and we prayed and thanked God for his comfort. Today was an easy day for me. I was in Jesus arms the whole day and had a beautiful peace in my heart. I wanted to share that with everyone.


Jennifer Engel