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Peanut's Story

I've read through the stories and as sad as it sounds, I'm greatful that I'm not alone in this world, it feels like it at times!

I was due to have my first baby on January 21, 2009. The excitement was far too great!! I had tried for 8 long years to get pregnant and had all but given up hope that it would actually happen! I found out was pregnant on May 21, 2008 and was on top of the world. The next few months were so great! The pregnancy was wonderful, no morning sickness, nothing! I had some spotting around 9 weeks or so and had my hormone levels checked and I was great! Spotting is normal in the first trimester I was told.

All was well...We had found out on August 6, 2008 that we were expecting a little baby, now to find a name?!?! On Monday August 25, 2008 I had my regular OB appointment. The baby's heartbeat was steady at 140 where it had been. No pain, no complaints, everything was great! I was measuring where I should and baby was growing like a weed! The next day, I went to the bathroom and had noticed some extra "discharge", truly thought it was nothing as it had actually be sometime inbetween bathroom breaks. Which was rare! Everything stayed pretty much normal throughout the day and night.

The night of the 27th I couldn't seem to get comfortable. I wasn't in pain, just very uncomfortable and was desperately trying to find a position both the baby and I could agree on so I could get some much needed sleep. Finally after 3 hours of tossing and turning I seemed to have found that position. All was well and off to work I went on Thursday the 28th. After getting out of the shower and getting dressed it looked as if I had pee'd my pants. I thought since I was around 20 weeks baby was going to play trampoline on my bladder and this was normal. I went to work, no pain, no discomfort, still getting wet but not as bad as I was.

I talk to my husband and lunch and he suggested I call the clinic JUST IN CASE...So I called and when the nurse called me back she told me to go the hospital so they could monitor to make sure I wasn't having contractions. The baby nurse went to check me to test to see if the fluid was urine or amniotic fluid. She put the speculum in and pulled it right back out. Another doctor came in and told me that the bag of water was out of my cervix and that I was going to lose the baby. My heart broke right there on the spot!

About 30 minutes later my doctor arrived and checked me. He said that the baby's foot was also outside of my cervix. I thought it impossible as I could still feel him moving! He was alive and enjoying me as much as I him!!! I refused pitocin as I in denial at that point that anything bad was going to happen. My water broke around 8pm on the 27th and was probably even more heartbreaking. That little bag of water was my last hope!! Turns out I have an incompetent cervix.

At 8:21am the morning of the 29th I delivered James "Peanut" Robert. He was born sleeping. I prefered it this way. I liked the fact that he perished inside of me instead of struggling to live. I had a D&C following as the placenta wouldn't detach.

I still feel pregnant. I get little gas bubbles that move across the lower part of my belly and I swear it's a baby kicking! I must admit, I gave up after that. For 6 weeks I was reclusive, I was angry, and I was extremely bitter. All I wanted in this world was to be a mom and I was RIGHT there...It was just out of my reach.

I still grasp hope that someday I'll be a mother, but I'm SCARED to death of what the future may hold. I'm not sure I can do this again!

Jamie

What was the point?

I was devastated when we were married just over a year and we found out our chances were slim to none of conceiving children. I greived the news slowly and about 2 years later we adopted my son. I thought I was finished greiving, but when my son was just over a year old, I kept feeling like this was the time I would get pregnant if I could and it was a struggle. Eventually we adopted my daughter and we felt happy as a family and complete. Finally.
Well....you can imagine my shock to discover I was pregnant when my daughter was 5 months old. We were exstatic, it took five years, and two kids later, but we were pregnant, We were thrilled and told all our family and friends. The thought of misarriage seemed ridiculous, why would God finally bless us with pregnacy if I wasn't going to have a baby. After 2 healthy ultra sounds and 2 rounds of posistive HCG blood work, I miscarried at 10.5 weeks. I feel like I got ripped off. I was finally through my grief of not getting to conceive, and now it is so raw and hard again. I don't understand why I had to experience this. It's like now I have to grieve my infertility all over again. We thought our family was complete and were happy with that fact, and now all I can think about is the baby we lost. I don't know whether to hope on a prayer that I might get pregnant again or accept that I won't. SO CONFUSED and hurting like crazy. Hardest moment so far is that one of my best girlfriends is pregnant and just told me and her due date is/was the exact same day as mine. Now when I see her all I can think about is that she's pregnant and as far as long as I should have been. It's been 3 weeks scince the miscarriage and I am still trying to keep a happy face when all I want to do is recoil inside. My kids keep me busy and motivated to get up and do things, thank goodness for them. I suffer silently inside daily, I really need to try to make sense of this experience and of my pain, but there are no answers. Thanks for listening any advice would be great.

Jamie

Why?

Well me and my husband have been married for over 10 years and were never able to get pregnant. I have been diagnosed with PCOS and hypothyroidism. My hormones have always been out of wacked. I can actually go years without having a period. We were finally able to get to see an infertility clinic and did 2 different artificial inseminations. The 2nd one worked. We were so thrilled, couldn't be happier. We told our families. When I went to the Dr.s they did a sono and there were 2 egg saks. Which made us even happier. This was at 6 weeks. Went back in 2 weeks had another ultra sound and was told one of the fetuses had stopped developing at about 6 1/2 weeks, but we looked at the bright side that there was still one more in there that was growing and had a stong heart beat of 169. The Dr had explained that my body would either absorb this other fetus or discharge it so there could be some blood. Well I had spotted for the nex 3 weeks with alot of clear mucus discharge. On Oct 8th I started having spotting again but this time it was red not alot but enough to scare me. So the Dr. had done another ultrasound and said the baby was doing fine. At this time I am 3 months exactly. On Oct. 12 I started to have really bad cramps and alot of blood. at around 11:00 p.m. I was sitting on the toilet because of all the blood and all of a sudden had to throw up so I leaned over and threw up into the tub at the same time I felt something come out. It was my little boy. He had his fingers and toes he was perfect except for the fact that he was no longer inside of me. I called my husband who is in the military and stationed 2 hours away. He rushed home to be with me. Went to the Dr.s the next morning and went over my options and decidied to have a D&C on Wed. Well on Tues. morning at about 4:00 a.m. I could no longer take the pain and went in for an emergency D&C. Ended up losing alot of blood (over a liter) so I had to stay in the hospital until me blood levels got back to normal levels. My Dr. says I can try again when the new year starts. No matter what I do the pain does not go away. Why do these things have to happen. It really hurts. Anytime someone asks me how I am doing I start to cry. Cause no matter what I can never have my little baby back.

Erin

My Little Angel

On 21 October 2008, i was 32 wks + 2 days pregnant.. So excitied I'd just finished buying everything i needed to mother my little boy, my first child.. kicking away in my tummy as normal in the morning, as the afternoon went on i started to get chronic stomach pains - and i knew something wasn;t right, being my first baby - i thought i was going into labour early, so my bf rushed me to the hospital... lying there in the birthing suite, i must have been in shock because i didn't respond to the doctors telling me they couldn't find a heartbeat, until they left the room and i saw my bf crying - i knew my little boy had passed.. i flipped out, trying to rip the drips out of my arm - i just wanted to die, my reasin for living had been taken from me.. after continuos shots of morphine for my pain, the doctor proceeded to inform me i was bleeding heavily internally, and that i needed an emergency c - section as i wasn't dialating. My son Seth was born at 10.30 pm that Tuesday night. The nest day i find out that the placenta had ruptured ( happens to 1% of pregnancies) and had i arrived at the hospital any later i possibly could have died too due to my blood not being able to clot. I feel so lost - not knowing what i;m going to do and the guilt i feel is huge, i know its not my fault my angel was taken from me but him passing away inside my tummy will always make me feel like i did something wrong, like i failed my son somehow.. I will be having another baby though, Seth would want his mummy to be string and carry on in his honour - but waking everyday knowing he isn't here breaks my heart.

Noveena

giving birth to an angel

hello,
the title i chose may sound weird to somebut it is how i like to think about it... i was due on Aug 7, 2008 and went in for my last check upon Aug 6, 2008. this is the day my lifechanged forever! i loved being pregnant.... i had the dream pregnancy where nothing went wrong and i felt great. i had wantedchildren my whole life and could not wait to finally have myvery own bundle of joy... on the sixth i went in to the doctors office feeling great and gotthe news that he could not find a heart beat...was sent to the hospital where two ultrasounds were done and was told there was nothing that could be done and that my labor had started already... i went through the labor knowing it was all for nothing and that i would never hear that first long awaited cry. my husbands mother and father as well as my own were with us and waited the entier time by our sides. we all got to hold my angel and me husbn and i spent a few hours holding our dead son... i was release the same day and went directly to pick out my babys urne...it has now been almost three months and i still cannot sleep well nore can i see to have any joy... we started trying for another child right away once the doctor said we could but today i found out for the second month that i am still not pregnant.... i am forever sad....

Rebecca Stafechuck