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Our Little Angel

I found out that I was pregnant February 2006 and my boyfriend and I were thrilled. This was the first child for both of us, and also the first grandchild for both my parents and his parents. I scheduled an appointment with my primary care physician that same week. She referred me out to an OB/GYN, and prescribed me prenatal vitamins. We had our first prenatal visit on March 9th, and found out that we were 8 weeks pregnant and had a due date of October 20, 2006. Luckily, I did not have any morning sickness, my boyfriend, on the other hand, had plenty of it. I did have really bad headaches though, which is also a side effect of pregnancy. Everyone told me that I had a glow, I was just so happy to be carrying our first child. I made sure that I took my prenatal vitamins everynight, I maintained a healthy diet, and attended all of my prenatal visits.
All of my labwork came out well, and my doctor told me that I was a perfect canidate for having a baby. He said that it was "Amazing how healthy I was". We had our 1st sonogram on April 12th and they advised me that I was 13 weeks pregnant, and I was given a new due date of October 29, 2006. We found out that we were having a boy on June 22, 2006 I was 21 weeks pregnant. That following Monday I started to spot, I was told that this is normal. I woke up to use the restroom and I found that I had a light pink discharge that was flowing, I immediately woke my boyfriend and went to the emergency room. I was seen by a nurse in the natal care unit, the first question that she asked me was "did you have sex today?" I told her yes I had. She said that sometimes sex irritates the cervix and causes it to bleed. She checked the babies heartbeat, and contacted my doctor. The heartbeat was nice and strong, and she told me that the doctor said that I could be released and that I could come in for an appointment the following day at his office.
The next morning I was bleeding a lot, as if I was having my cycle, my thighs were crampy but I did not have abdominal cramping. When I went into the doctors office he did a ultrasound and found that my baby was breech, and that I also had medial placenta previa. When the doctor did my pelvic exam, I knew that there was something wrong. He told me that part of my membrane was in my vagina and that I had dialated 1.5 cm, he immediately called an ambulance to transport me to the hospital. I was placed into a position where my head was lower than my legs, in order to keep my water from breaking. They also gave me a cocktail of drugs, including antibiotics to keep me from going into labor. I was so sad, b/c the doctor advised me that there was chance of them saving the baby, they said that they could attempt to give me a surclage (pushing the membrane back up and stiching the cervix closed). However there was a chance that the membrane could break during the surgery or I could go 2 more weeks and they would save the baby, but he would be severly handicapped. I prayed that God help me to make a decision, b/c I didn't know if I should sit there and let my water break or get the surgery to try to save my baby.
My surgery was pushed back about 3 times, and my water ended up breaking on June 29th, and I was given pitocin to speed up my labor. The entire time I continued to feel my baby move and he still had a strong heartbeat. His lower half was in my vagina, but his upper body was still above my cervix. I prayed that he would just hold on long enough for us to meet him, and he did. I delivered Sean Michael vaginally at 12:24 am. He was so beautiful, he looked just like a baby doll version of his father. His toes looked exactly like mine. His eyes were fused shut, he was 1 lb 4.1 ozs, and 10.5 inches long. His father and I held him and talked to him, and took pictures. I was just so blessed to be able to see and hold him while he was alive. He expired about an hour later. The hospital took pictures and created a memory box with his footprints, clothing, and receiving blanket. We had a memorial service in the chapel. We made arrangements to have him cremated. We currently have his urn and pictures on our nightstand.
I know that God does everything for a reason, he probably forseen something that we did not. We will continue to pray everyday and I know that Sean Michael is a little angel that is looking down on us. Hopefully, he can be with me throughout my next pregnancy, b/c I don't think that I can endure a tragic outcome again. Anyone that needs to chat can contact me at my email. God bless you all.

Nena

My Story

Miscarriage #2. DH and I don't seem to have trouble getting pregnant - it's keeping it that seems to be the problem.

In August 2005, I discovered I was pregnant after we had only been trying to conceive for 2 months. We were excited and surprised that it happened so fast. Then, just a day after the positive test, I felt like something was wrong. We went to the ER and had blood drawn. Two days later, more blood was drawn and I received a call from the doctor telling me that the numbers were not good - I was going to miscarry. The spontaneous miscarriage began a few days later and was terrible.

We decided to wait six months. What followed was an emotional roller coaster. I started dealing with unexplained health issues including tingling, sleeplessness, and being really tired. Depression, I guess. Finally, in May, the symptoms began to dissipate and DH and I decided that we were ready to try again for a pregnancy. Once again, it took quickly. We were shocked when I took a pregnancy test on May 30 and it was positive! Elation came first and then fear. I was nervous as anything, worried that this pregnancy, too, would end in miscarriage.

The first few test were nerve-wracking. Beginning with the series of blood tests – which showed that I had great numbers – and followed by two ultrasounds. The first ultrasound did not show a heartbeat, but my doctor still felt that everything was okay and scheduled another ultrasound for the next week. At the next ultrasound, we saw what we had been looking for – the heartbeat. I almost began to relax, but still felt nervous. I still didn’t want to tell anyone (even my parents) and felt very, very nervous and in disbelief that it would work out as I wanted. The ultrasound indicated that the fetus was only 6.5 weeks old but I was very confident that it should be 8 weeks old. This made me nervous but over the next two weeks leading up to the official “prenatal visit,” my confidence began to grow. For the first time, I began to enjoy the idea that I was pregnant and to feel hopeful that we were actually having a baby. I even began to think about how we needed to reorganize the house, names, and plans for the late winter (February) when the baby would be born. We even started to talk about how we would tell our parents, friends, family, co-workers, etc. I could picture how happy they would be.

DH and I went for a walk and when we came back, I really had to go to the bathroom. Not a big surprise, since I had been guzzling water like a madwoman in an attempt to avoid dehydration. When I went to the bathroom, I saw it – a dark brown streak.

It wasn’t. We got to the doctor and she started the ultrasound. I knew right away that it was bad news. She had another doctor come in to view the ultrasound and she confirmed what we already knew – the fetus was dead and I was going to miscarry.

The doctor inserted the D&C strings to stretch the cervix and then sent us on our way for a few hours. We saw a dumb movie just to get our mind off of things and I spent most of the movie alternating between being distracted and crying. When we were in the car returning to the doctor’s office, I began crying in earnest. It was so painful – not physically, but emotionally. I just couldn’t believe that it was happening again.

This morning I woke up at 6:00 AM and it hit me again. I keep thinking that it is just a bad dream, but it is real. I don’t know what to do!! I am used to having control and this is out of my control. I am so scared. One miscarriage was scary enough but seemed like it could be normal and was fairly common. Two is very different. Now we need to do testing, figure out what went wrong. All I want to do is start trying again. Now. The last miscarriage really threw me for an emotional loop. I am scared that this one will, too. That probably scares me almost as much as the nerves that I feel regarding trying again and realizing the potential for yet another miscarriage. I don’t know what to do.

The feelings that I have right now include fear, guilt, disappointment, loss, anger, “it’s not fair,” extreme sadness, and more. I know that they will dissipate over time but last time was so bad and I just don’t want to go through this again. And again. And again. Maybe adoption is a better option for me but I just don’t know. I don’t know what to do. The toughest part is looking around at all of the pregnant people and the people with young babies. Why do they make it look so easy? And frickin’ Britney Spears and her ease of reproduction. DH and I will make fantastic parents and yet somehow this is going to be a challenge. Why is it that teenagers and drug addicts and others can do it but I can’t? It just doesn’t seem fair.

Jessica

blighted ovum

I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant
I made my appointment for an ob then I got a lil pain in my stomach so I went to the hospital
I was 5 weeks pregnant at that time
They couldn't see anything so they made an earlier appointment for my ob and I went there and they said they couldn't detect a heartbeat at 6weeks so I had to go back a week later to get another ultrasound done. There was a sac and no baby the fetal tissue was really bad so I had to get a d & c done to clean it out.
It has been 8 weeks still no period and still no pregnancy

melissa

What Now?

I had my first m/c at the end of March 2006. In some ways, it feels like it was just yesterday, and other times, it feels like it's been forever.

It was a pretty nasty m/c for me...not like the "minor" ones I had heard about. I ended up in the ER for hours and hours, just bleeding like crazy.

It was so sudden. We found out we were surprisingly pg with #2, after many months of infertility issues that are still uknown to this day. Because of our infertility, we were trying different things and getting monitored for stuff. That's how we found out so early that we were actually pg.

I had an u/s done every other day from 4 weeks pg until the m/c. I even had an u/s done earlier the day of the m/c, and my baby was fine.

That night, it all changed for the worst.

Here I am, months later, and my cycles are completely screwed up....worse than before. Prior to my exciting and surprising pg, my cycles were 60+ days!! It was nuts! Now, though, they are only 3 weeks apart, and sometimes they are normal-like in color and consistency, and other times, they are brownish spotting.....

I feel lost and confused by things at this point. Thanks for listening....

Tabby

My Loss

Two weeks before my wedding I decided that I would take a pregnancy test, my fiance and I waited to see the results. On May 25th I found out I was pregnant. We were so excited we called everyone, which made both of us late for work. We planned our wedding, and my wedding photos to show my belly, which had grown unusually fast for 2 months. We went on our honeymoon and everything was fine.
I got back from the honeymoon and went to the doctor the next day for a pelvic exam. The exam felt kind of weird but I went home and decided I would be changing doctors because I didn't like him. I was 10 weeks the day of my appt. The next morning I woke up and my tummy hurt, and I had started bleeding. I called my doctor and the nurse told me it was fine that this was normal; if it persisted call her back. So hours later I called her back to let her know that I wasn't just bleeding now I was gushing and cramping bad. She said I was prob. fine and that if I was having a miscarriage, that it was too late to do anything about it. I was at work so I asked if it was ok for me to work. She said yes I'd be fine.
A couple hours later I decided to go home after my mother told me to go home and lie down. I continued to bleed and started cramping so bad I couldn't lie still in the bed. I would be in the bathroom every two minutes urinating and gushing. I was at my house all alone crying my hardest. I had my mother on the phone most of the time. My husbabnd was at work. I finallly called and told my mom that I thought that I was having a miscarriage. She called my husband and told him that I was at home hysterical and that I needed to go to the ER room b/c I was losing the baby. He took me and I was in the hospital for 10 hours while the doctor gave me 3 pelvics and I had 2 ultrasounds. Neither ultrasound showed any heart rate. The doctor told me I had miscarried and was 50% of the way through it. He let me go after the last pelvic and retrieving the fetus. I was 10 weeks and one day and miscarried on July 1st.
We had got back from the honeymoon and were ready to start planning for the baby. I had been staying with my mom because I was supposed to rest just as if I had just delivered my child. I mourned with my mother and husband at my side. And now I have returned home to start the whole process over. I can't sleep. I can't think at work. It's like I'm a walking zombie. I've wanted a child for so long. I'm always alone which makes everything worse. I just sit at home alone and cry. I'm hoping I'll learn how to cope. I know it just takes time but just like everyone else going through the same thing, I'm sad. I pictured myself with my child. To me my child was here. I talked to myself all the time, talking to my belly. I sang to myself. I wasn't me. I was me and my child. I feel so lonely now. No one talks back to me. I haven't been able to talk to anyone, I feel like this is my "problem". Not theirs. I have to learn to do this on my own. I guess only time will tell. We plan to try again. I'm just so afraid. I'm not sure how to react thinking that the same thing could happen over and over again.

Carrie