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One of my biggest disappointments

During my sophomore year of college, I got involved with a guy I'd known for over a year. He was living and teaching in a town a couple hours from where I went to school. We had met when I was a freshman and he was almost ready to student-teach, and he'd had a girlfriend at the time, but things didn't work out between them. We first got together in September of 2006, decided it was a bad idea because we'd never see each other, and got back together in early 2007.

We still didn't see each other much the second time around, and the little time we did get to spend together (a weekend every few weeks) was not wasted. We weren't too careful, and by mid-March I was exhausted and nauseated all the time. After having to bolt from class twice to vomit and being unable to stomach the smell of any food, I began to worry.

He just thought I had a stomach bug of some sort and things would be okay. He broke things off with me in late March and went on vacation. Two days after he left, my roommate brought up the topic I had been hoping to avoid. She gave me a pregnancy test and ordered me into the bathroom to take it. It was a very faint positive, but we both saw it and knew. When he asked me about how the test had gone, because I'd told him I was going to take one if my symptoms kept up, I told him the test was negative. By this point I knew he didn't want a baby, and now I regret keeping it from him because the stress of hiding it was too much to handle.

Two days after he came back from vacation, I went home for Easter weekend. I felt sick and crampy all the way home, but I attributed it to school stress. My mother and I made a stop at her boyfriend's house. I got out of the car and collapsed in the driveway. I was bleeding everywhere.

At the hospital, the doctor was able to confirm that I had been pregnant and was losing the baby. I was almost eight weeks pregnant. It was one fo the most painful things I had to go through, even with the medications they gave to calm me down. That night, April 6, 2007, I lost my baby.

While I know I wasn't perfectly ready to be a mother, I got excited about the possibility in the week I had between finding out and losing it. After I lost the baby, I told its father, who reacted as I expected: telling me he was sorry but he was glad that I didn't have to go through with a pregnancy and raising a baby. Sometimes I wonder what our baby would have been like, and when I see people with babies (I work in the tourism industry) I tear up, thinking "that could have been me in a few months". I don't know what it will be like in early November, when I should be giving birth to a beautiful baby and adjusting to a dual life as a mother and a scholar.

Almost two months after losing the baby, I woke up at two in the morning with severe cramps, a fever of 103, and cold sweats, not to mention I was shaking so hard I could barely stand. I went to the emergency room at the hospital I currently live near (not the one I went to when I was losing the baby) and found out that not all the tissue had passed. I have endometriosis and hadn't had a period since losing the baby, but that is perfectly normal for me. Finally I had a D & C and things are starting to get back to normal with my body, but things between the baby's dad and I will never be the same again. After our breakup we'd remained friends but he has gotten frustrated with me for still being upset over the loss. He sees it as a divine intervention because the time wasn't right, and thinks it's saved me some trouble and time. I don't see it that way, and it still affects me every day.

Before I lost my baby, I didn't have any idea how physically and emotionally difficult it is to lose a child. Now I know, and when one of my friends miscarried at fourteen weeks recently, I was able to understand her pain in a way nobody else could.

Michelle

It happens for a reason...

I want to share with everyone my story of loss. I was a little over six weeks pregnant with our first child when I found out. My husband and I were so excited we have been married for three years and it would be my parent’s first grandchild.

We found out a few days before our three-year anniversary and were eager to tell the world! We told everyone and everyone was so happy we talked about names and even looked at nursery themes online. My husband always talked to the little one and kissed my belly everyday we couldn’t wait. However deep down inside I was so scared even more so than the normal jitters. I knew something just wasn’t right.

Then on the fourth of July I miscarried. I did so at home with minimal pain and had a follow-up visit five days later. I knew what happened before the dr. uttered one word. I loved this unborn child but it wasn’t the right time. We are going to try again but not for a while. This experience has really overwhelmed me and I just want to get prepared mentally before trying again.

I commend all women who go through this loss it is a loss that is unexplainable and a hurt that is more painful than anyone could ever know. I cry for no reason now and it causes me great pain to see my friends with their children I wanted this so bad but I guess God had other plans for me.

I also want to thank all the women who put their stories on here because in some way it helps to know that I am not alone in this!

Michelle

My IVF Angel was gone

I want to share with you our loss of our 8-week IVF baby. I have been trying for 15 years and had all the meds and artificial insemination last year and when it did not work due to hyper stimulation, we decided to take a break and come back when we were ready.

Well this May was the time and when we started IVF. We had 24 eggs aspirated and the eventually only 3 embryos were good to go back.

We put back two since I am petite. The wait of 2 weeks resulted in a positive result...........awesome, we were on top of the move, family and lose friends were just soo happy for us. We kept going in every week until the 6 week we started going in every two days for vag scan since the doc could not find the heart beat.

This was not what we wanted to hear! We wanted to hear our baby's heart beat!!!

Eventually the last scan on the 2 July 2007 confirmed that there was nothing..................complete destruction.

I cannot explain in words the feelings of despair we felt then and now. I went in the same day for a D&C, and the pregnancy was terminated!

I am not sure where we will go from here, but I do know that I want to try again, one last time.............and hopefully be able to hold my bundle one day soon!

For all of you out there, experiencing the same, stand up tall cos GOD has a plan and he is universal and he will cast his hand over us when he is ready to!

Love to all

Tazz Omar

Tadpole

My husband and I decided before we ever got pregnant that we were going to call our baby Tadpole until we figured out it's sex. We got pregnant on our first try in May, but lost the baby at 5 weeks. My HCG level was so high that I had 3 positive pregnancy tests at a little over 3 weeks.

After the first positive test, my giant ex-semi-pro football player husband turned into mush. He started buying books, researching the internet, and changing our diet. The most endearing thing he did was talking to our Tadpole, even though he was well aware she couldn't hear him. I say she, because unlike most men, he wanted the Tadpole to be a girl.

Every morning he'd kiss my tummy and want me to lay in bed just a little longer so he could talk to the Tadpole. All day he'd email and call, just to let the Tadpole know that her Daddy was thinking about her. Every night before we went to bed he read to her because he'd decided that she needed bed time stories.

When we found out that we lost her, the worst part was telling everyone he'd told about our Tadpole. He was so excited that he not only told his whole family and part of mine, but strangers we met in stores and or restaurants. He even told the people at the corner gas station.

I've never loved him more than the day we lost our Tadpole. He was devastated the day we found out, but he downplayed it because he knew how crushed I was. He never left my side or tried to stop my tears. He didn't make me try and rationalize my feelings. He just let me be.

Although I have my reservations about trying again, he can't stop telling everyone that we're still trying. It's embarrassing, but I love him. Besides, I can't not keep trying because I have such a wonderful husband and I don't want it to end with him.

We will never know what our Tadpole would have looked like or what she would have grown up to be, but we will never forget the way she made us feel.


Mona

Is Timing Everything?

After trying to conceive for a long year and 6 months, I finally got the results I had longed to see. I was pregnant! My 6-year anniversary fell on May 26-07. I confirmed I was pregnant with 2 positive home pregnancy tests. As the perfect anniversary gift for my husband, I had decided to reveal this joyous information to him in a memorable card. I had mentioned that 6 years from now (our 12 year anniversary) our child would be 6! It couldn’t have happened at a better time. Things were all falling in place with work, and timing couldn’t have been any better.

We decided to reveal the information to my in laws, who have waited a long 6 years for this, on my father in laws birthday, which would have put me at 8 weeks pregnant (one month before I wanted to) but the timing was perfect. I purchased a stroller and had wrapped it up for him. I had indicated on the card that it was a way for him to get some exercise (I always harass him about that since he quit soccer). He opened the gift with the rest of the family around...it was the perfect moment for all of us. I had adhered a note to the stroller it had said " see all of you in January” Love Baby X. Tears flowed uncontrollably.

That evening my husband drove home and we had been recalling all of the details of the perfect evening of dinner at the in-laws! That night (June 11-07) I was starting to experience the worst cramps ever. I went to the hospital and I was seen in the ER with a vag bleed. The doctor took blood, and indicated, "It didn’t look good at all". I was then scheduled for an ultrasound in the morning when it opened. I regretfully went. As it turned out, I was 12 weeks pregnant and not 8, and that the baby was not progressing as it should have been. Right there while in the ultrasound, my body had rid itself of the fetus and associated tissue. Not only was it probably the most embarrassing moment I have ever had, it could not have been now the worse timing. As I was fully aware now the baby was gone.

I went home and rid my magazine holder of all of the pregnancy magazines I had excitedly purchased. Later that day I informed my father in law he could put the stroller away.

2 days had passed and was informed by a friend of mine (who happened to marry on the same day as I did this year) she had been pregnant. We had the exact same due dates. I was felt overwhelmed with all of the coincidental timings this one event had incurred. Soon after that a friend of mine who has been married for over 10 years and had agreed with her husband they were never going to have kids, revealed to me that they are expecting...when??? January as well. As it turns out, some time has passed now.

I will never forget the memories, however, am ready to try to conceive once again during my upcoming trip in Cuba!!! As I try to remember, everything happens for a reason, maybe one day we will know that reason. In the meantime, what doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger...

Christy