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stillbirth

my name is elsa and i had a stillborn baby on jan,25,11 he was gonna be my 1st baby boy out of 3 girls.on jan 24th dr told me there was no heart beat,n the next day dileverd a stillborn baby.thereis no reason for this to happen so how can i deal with all this pain in my heart...please help!!

elsa

I feel so guilty

I had a traumatic miscarriage 2 days ago. I was 12 weeks 2 days pregnant. At 7 weeks I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemmorhage. The dr assured me it was not going to be a problem. However, I continued to have bleeding and cramping. I had weekly ultrasounds because I was sure there was something wrong. Every time the hemmorhage was bigger. The day before my miscarriage I had an ultrasound abd the baby was swimming around happily. The heart beat was great. it made me feel better because I had it in my mind that i would be safe once I hit 12 weeks. The next day I started bleeding and cramping worse. I went to the ER and started to gush blood and have contractions. The nurse sent me into the bathroom with a towel and a container to "collect" whatever I passed. As soon as I sat on the toilet a huge clot came out. I reached down to try and get it for the nurse and there was my baby. Perfect little hands with teeny fingers, little feet, little eyes, a tiny little mouth. I was absolutly devestated. My little baby was just moving around hours before on the ultrasound. I beleive that the growing hemmorhage was a clot and that it somehow triggered the miscarriage. I know what the doctors say but I know thats it. I cannot help but feel like my body betrayed my little baby who was obviously trying to live and grow. I am so very sad.

Jaynelle

Too beautiful for Earth

Words escape me.. nothing can describe what I feel. My baby Sophia is gone. I was not quite 42 weeks pregnant & in labor when I received the news. They couldn't find her heartbeat, I tried so hard to breath differently: long low, high fast, normal. But it did not matter, no matter how I tried to change my breath, I could not make her heartbeat. Not a damn thing wrong w/ me. The whole time 42 weeks of the right blood pressure, feeling her move, her heartbeat in the 140s and the begining of birth was the end of her life. My first hello was my last goodbye. It is so mixed up, I was worried about diaper changes and the dogs staying out of Sophia's room. I was worried about her crying and not breastfeeding, but I never worried about her heart... I, I feel like a failure, I was her protector, I'm her mom & I couldn't get that little heart to beat, it's all my fault. She was alive at 40 weeks, why didn't I just have a C-section then? If I had only known something like this was possible I would have. Sophia was my first beautiful child, and now I don't know what to do. Sometimes I want to have another, other times I just can't stomache the thought of risking this again. I don't know what to do - I have moments when I think I am a murderer, others when I know there was nothing I could have done. I am so happy that God has taken her to heaven. At times I tell God that she needs to eat soon or ask to check in on her & see if she is alright, does she need me? Other times I ask if I can hold her. For a while I couldn't look at anything baby - TV commercials, shows/movies, people out to eat w/ infants, strollers, life ~ everything reminded me of my reality. Now it has gotten a bit better... she has been gone from me for almost 9 weeks, and I finally can look at famillies once more without an emotional breakdown, now I can keep it in my thoughts. Everyday I have told God to tell my baby I love her... so God tell Sophia Mommy & Daddy love her.

Jackie

missing my first and only

At 33 for the first time I became pregnant in august 2010. I was scared and excited all at the same time. My boyfriend had just broken up with me the day before I took the test but he said he would be there for the baby. At about 18 wks my stomach really began to grow and I was thrilled. I could now wear the maternity clothes I bought. Up till then thngs were fine. The only trouble I had was taking the prenatals, which I still did everyday, I just have trouble getting down tablets on a whole. Two weeks later, it started having pains and seeing a little bit of blood when I go to the bathoom. My water broke and on reaching the hospital was told my baby wouldnt live and I had to be induced to deliver him. I lost my son on Jan 11 2011. My doctor said it was due to cervical incompetence. I still think about and miss him everyday. I still wonder why this had to happen. I hope to have another baby asap, but my first child, my son, would never be replaced.

Julia

missing Jacoby

At 20 wks to the day, I was returning from a trip visiting family. I was excited about being back home because I was wasnt showing before I left was really showing now in that short 3 wks I was gone. In the airport I started having these pains that only lasted for a couple seconds about 30 mins apart. I slept most of the flight home so I wasnt feeling them anymore. I got home just after midnight and got into bed. I started feeling the pains again and I went to the bathroom. When I wiped there was blood but a it was pink and not bright red. I decided I would go to the doctor in the morning since the pains were bad or lengthy. It was taking awhile for me to get to sleep and I got up to go to the bathroom again. Before I got to the bathroom door a gush of water came out. I called my mother and told her and she said that wasnt good. I got hold of my doctor and he told me to go to the labor and delivery. The ride to the hospital felt like it would never end. when I was finally seen by a doctor I was examined and he tried to find the heartbeat, and he did but it wasnt strong . After waiting a little while longer for another doctor to arrive and give me an U/S the saw that I had lost too much fluid and said the baby would not live. I was taken to the ward and it was explained what was going to happen. The doctor inserted pills to induce labor.I thought it would take a while but within 2 hrs, on Jan 11 2011, I had delivered Jacoby. His father and my mother got to see him as they were at the hospital the whole time. he looked just like his father. I managed to take pics and everyone I showed them to said the same thing...he looked just like his father. I couldnt wait to get out of there. Not only was the deliver painful but I had to deal with pregnant women all around me but hearing babies crying. When I was leaving, I tried to keep myself together, but when I got to the carpark I saw a man holding his little baby boy. I ran in the car and broke down. My boyfriend held me and we cried for what seemed like hrs. That was also the first time I ever saw him cry. When I got home I had to deal with telling my family and friend I had just come from visiting, who were so excited about Jacoby, that he was gone. It felt like I died everytime I had to tell the story. Many times I couldnt even talk and my boyfriend tell them. His sister was really happy about him because she didnt have a nephew and she had bought his first set of baby clothes. I cried probably as much as we did. It has been 6 wks since we lost Jacoby. some days I can think about him and remember him moving around inside me and smile. Other days I can hardly stop crying thinking about not being able to hold him and bathe him and get him to sleep. Not seeling him learn to creep and walk and get his first tooth. we have decided to try again, but it's so scary to me. After reading the many stories about the way people lost their babies, I worry that I might lose another one in some other way. But with God's blessings we will get pregnant soon and we will have a beautiful healthy baby to love and raise.

julia