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10 Weeks <3

I'm 18 years old and when i found out i was pregnant, i was unsure what to do. My boyfriend and i discussed our options and i decided i definately wanted to keep it, he said he would support me nomatter what. At 9 and a half weeks i started having cramps and a few days later around 1.30am i lost the baby. I couldn't help staring at it, it was tiny, less than a fingernail size, whiteish and transparent.. It's heart was still beating. It had arms and veiny webbed fingers, every intricate detail was perfect. I just sat on the floor holding it in my hand watching it's miniature heart beating, it was about 20 minutes before it stopped. My boyfriend came home and placed the baby in a wooden jewellery box. We had the baby cremated privately and then we scattered the ashes on the beach cliff where we spent our first date. The pain lasted quite a few days but the emotional pain is still with me.. This was 5 weeks ago and i don't feel like things are getting any better. I miss my baby so much!!

Katie Wyatt

Losing Baby Dante

I am 18 years old...and i just recently had to bury my baby about 3 weeks ago. I went in for a normal check up and they found that my baby had no heartbeat. I know clue that anything was wrong. All the test came back normal...so i will never know what the cause was. I was 37 wks and was suppose to deliver the next week after my doctor's appointment but then he had already passed away. This isnt the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my life. I dont know how im going to make it through this.

Candace Bailey

miss

Me and my partner were trying to get pregnant with our third child (It took 12 months), I already have 2 beautiful little blessings. I'd never had a miscarriage before (what I'm aware of), and you just don't think that it will happen to you.

Well... it was 5 days 'til my due period, I was getting progressively sore breasts (something I didnt experience with my other two) it almost felt like my ribs were bruised, and also my sense of smell had enlightened. So I tested the next morning, and to my delight a faint pink line appeared on my internet cheapie test. Keeping it just to myself and my partner, I kept testing everyday for about a week, watching the line get darker, I extra confirmed with a clearblue conception indicater, it came uo with 3+, so I assumed everything was great! , I was around 4 weeks.

Midwife appointment went fine. And then at 6 weeks my legs started becoming extremely weak just at night times, and my breasts returned to normal, and my brilliant sense of smell had just gone. I just thought I were 'getting used to the symptoms'. Also I started having braxton hicks (I know they were, as I have had 2 children, and very in tune with my body). When I googled about my worries, they were always answered in a positive way.

At 8 weeks pregnant I had a dream about a miscarriage, I awoke thinking 'no, no, not me'. Apparently miscarriage dreams are 'rare'.

10 weeks in, I thought everything was going fine, I was watching a dvd with my daughter before bedtime, I felt 'wet' down below... to my horror I was spotting red blood, scared, I had my partner ring an ambulance. I went to hospital, and being reassured that many women bleed in early pregnancy and are fine, I calmed a liitle, but I couldn't stop crying, I just knew something weren't right. I had a blood test, and was sent home. I carried on bleeding the next day, not much though, about 2/3 pads a day. It got progressively worse, so I went back into hospital, I had another blood test and an internal, I had alot of blood come away during my internal, and it was bright red.

Got the results from my bloods, my hcg was just over 19,000. I thought that was high, but apparently it was low, it should have been 25,000 or higher.

They basically left me to miscarry, but I was clueless, and so,so scared. I got really constipated all that weekend as I was scared to push. That night (second day of bleeding) I got mild cramps, I had the urge to go to the toilet and push. I got toilet roll ready in my hands underneath me. And a long (2in wide, about 5in tall) came out of me in a complete clot, it looked like a 'string' near the middle, and went on to a roundish clot at the bottom. (all looking like conjealed blood, dark red). I passed another clot in the morning which I didnt even feel come out, it was half the size as the first.
I was devistated, very emotional, and felt very dizzy. (fresh air helped alot). I had to wait then for 2 days to have an ultrasound. Well there was no 'vialble pregnancy', and my bloods from the ultrasound day confirmed my hcg level went from over 19,000 to 2,000 in 2 days! my miscarriage had been completed and I didn't bleed for long after.

The ultrasound technician confirmed off the picture we took of the largest clot, that I had a missed miscarriage at 6 weeks, and so carried I had it inside me not knowingly for 4 weeks, and it had died.
My ultimate Worst experience ever, and I really feel for every woman who has gone through/going through it. Much worse emotionally than I thought, I couldn't even imagine if my baby actually looked like a baby, in a way I was lucky it happened sooner than later on in the pregnancy, I couldn't even imagine, deepest sympathies to all of you.
Well its been 3 months since it happened, I have an odd tear now and again, but I'm staying strong for my children and for myself, and you should try to do the same. Like they say things are meant to be, and the world is cruel.
In science it says miscarriages under 12 weeks, are most likely chromosonal problems, it wasn't fully human, so the body rejects it.
I know the facts, but I like to think it was a beautiful little baby, it was mine, I was its mother, and I will hopefully meet with my little angel baby one day, there is not 1 day that goes by that I don't think about it.

I am currently trying to conceive, I am scared that it will happen again but you can't go through life like that, things are meant to be, we all have a unique path, and I wish everyone fullfills their hearts desires, if you are meant to be a mother, you will be, in one way or another, best wishes everyone, you and I WILL get through it.

Hayley
xxxxx

Hayley

My Prince Carmen

I was 20 weeks pregnant with my first child...everything was fine with him. Untill one night when I had sex with my partner the next morning I started spotting and was cramping a littlebit. I didnt make a big deal out of it because the doctor said that it was normal. I still went to the er that night. They ran a few tests on me the baby heart beat was fine the nurse said. She did a papsmeer n draw blood. It was 3 in the morning so,since the nurse said that every looked ok on the ultrasound n the spotted had stopped they didnt find any blood in my urine. My partner I decided to leave the hospital. When I got home I felt my child move that night,the next morning I felt him again but around 10am i started cramping and spotting. Went back to the er n they ran the same tests on me again n told me that the baby was fine. I was still in the hospital when my water broke n they kept telling me not to push eventhough I had to push. There was so much blood we kept asking wt was going on n y I wasn't allowed to push nobody couldn't give me a proper answer. About 10 hours after my water broke a doctor came in to the room and told me to start pushing n that the baby didnt make. It was the worst pain I ever felt in my heart because I didnt even cry with the labour pains. My partner was there but couldn't look at the baby it was to painfull for him. When I saw my little man he was so perfect didnt know why he had to die!! From that day on everything went down the drain with my partner. He said that he doesnt blame me for it but I have the feeling that he does. He never held me,he just said that he couldn't stand seeing me sad n dont know how to handle the situation. I feel so alone didnt know what to do or who to turn to so, what I stared doing was: I would write in my dairy how I was feeling n cry myself to sleep. N everyday was so hard for me it got better every time I would write in my dairy n I made sure I wrote to my angel Carmen every Sunday up untill the day original due date wich was yesterday12/19/10. I cried all day long up until today I can't stop craying. Just the thought that he was going to be here today n is not because God had another plan for us is killing me..but,I know my angel is watching over me n I will never ever forget about you. You will always be my first born n will tell your brothers n sisters about you someday!

My heart goes out to all the mothers who ever loss a child the pain will never go away but we just gotta learn how to live with n do stuff that will make u feeel alittle better...
rachel.
I loved you than n forever will Carmen Vijent Ellis.
Love mom

Hayley

my sweetpea vine.

i hada little seedling, a sweetpea vine, but i never gave it water, i never claimed it as mine, the angels in heaven looked down, they said sweetpea u deserve better, then took my sweetpea away, the morning i told my little vine, i love u today im sorry i never showed it yesterday, was the day i coundnt find u in my garden, but u left 1 little blossom behind, to remind me that u used to b mine.

on the 16th of december 2010. i went to emergency as i had started bleeding. i was told i would of been around 5 weeks n that the pregnancy was now non viable. i had booked to my gp on the 21st to finally get my pregnancy confirmed. i had known i was pregnant since the home test i took on the 7th. my husband had urged me to get it confirmed. i look back n i hav so many regrets. not because i lost the baby but because i didnt appreciate the time i had with sweetpea. my husband n i have a daughter who had just reached the 4month mark. n so i was more then apprehensive on finding out abou this 1. infact i acted like it was th end of the world for me. it wasnt the end of the world for me but it was for my baby. i make no excuses for my behaviour. infact while i was pregnant for that short time i breated myself so many times for not being over joyed n so in love as i was with my daughter. i didnt despise this baby, didnt dislike it, i just didnt feel anything towards sweetpea. not even love. i felt so guilty because i knew that this baby like all babies r precious, n priceless, it was a good thing, bad timing. my husband was so supportive, it was a shock for him too, and it would b alot to deal with but he was my pillar of hope. he always tried to get me excited n open up to this baby. n his love 4 this baby was boundless n obivious. he knew i was trying to accept it n he gave me extra love n affection to help. i asked him to keep this baby secret until i was ready to tell people. when they asked the questions isnt it too soon? how will u cope? will u b ok? are u excited? i wanted to smile n say all the right things with out lying. that i was happy n excited n looking forward to the new adition. i remember the 16th of december too well. that morning my mother came over. we were talking about 2 friends of mine 1 who was pregnant with her 2nd n had a toddler n another with a toddler who had just had her 2nd. my mum had no idea. she said to me while playing with my daughter, dont hav another 1. this 1 needs all ur attention. she might get jealous. she's too perfect. n then that confirmed it why i didnt want anyone to know. she left. i had pain for the last few days. n the day b4 i thought i had what appeared to b implant bleeding. just like wiht my daughter. the timing matched up. as my periods r like clock work n i always know which day they'll come by looking at a calander n i had got them very soon after my daughter's birth. they were due 6days b4 this bleeding started. so on the 16th the bleeding changed it became heavy n red n didnt stop. it wasnt spotting anymore. the pain was getting worse. i got my daughter ready n went to the hospital. the whole time i was there i was thinking about the early morning b4 my mother came to visit. i had for the first time allowed myself to open up an admitt my feelings as scared of them as i was. for the 1st time i put my hand on my tummy n said i love u sweetpea. with my daughter we kept calling her it as we kept her a suprise sex. i always felt bad wiith the it thing. so this 1 we decided to call the baby sweetpea. i said i love u to my baby. i didnt realise at the time it was too late. the doctor told me it was gone n my body was expelling my baby. i discharged myself i couldnt stand to b there. i felt i was being punished. i felt i deserved it all. i didnt appreciate sweetpea enough n when i did it was too late. i had bought a pregnancy magazine just to go through the motions to make me get excited. one night soon after i got up. found where my husband had stored them away. i opened it the page i opened it to was a week by week progress of a baby. weeks 4-5 was where my baby should b at. i just kept reading n re-reading the paragraph. i was so angry, i had so much hate n saddness n i didnt hav a clue where or what to direct it at. i tored the magazine to shreds n threw things across the room n sat in a corner crying crying not for me but for my baby. i had questions n no answers. my husband came n held me i asked him at that age did sweetpea feel pain when sweetpea passed away? did sweetpea hava soul? where is sweetpea now? is sweetpea in heaven? i wanted to know sweetpea was in heaven safe. n was being loved more then what i gave sweetpea. i wanted to know if sweetpea knew i existed knew i loved sweetpea i really did. i didnt know how much i could until there was no sweetpea there. i feel like i hava giant hole in me that was supposed to hav sweetpea to fill it. i didnt know how much sweetpea meant to me until it was too late. sweetpea was a part of my body. no one know's there was a baby n i dont want any one to know there now isnt. sweetpea will always b mine kept close to my heart in a place no one will see. sweetpea is too precious for me to talk about to my friends n family as any comment they make wont do anything to help. infact i know they'll say it wasnt meant to b. then why was it meant to b that i got pregnant in the 1st place? n not meant to b that i give birth n see sweetpea's 1st breath? telling me it wasnt meant to b just means it was wrong that sweetpea even existed. my dad accidently found out n thats what he told me, he then told me i wasnt the 1st woman to lose a baby. i said i knew that but i was the 1st person to lose sweetpea. he then told me every woman he knew that had lost, n how they were more advance in pregnancy than me. what is 5 weeks to 28 or 30 or more? i dont know i never got there. but i think it would still b agony. agony is agony. it doesznt hav a rating system because agony is the highest pain can go. he was only trying to help. but blowing off sweetpeas existance just made me feel sweetpea wasnt worth anything to him. sweetpea was worth everything to me because when a baby is inside u it is a world. if our world died wouldnt it b worth everything? the only thing thats getting me through is my husband n beautiful daughter. she might only b 4months but she knew something was wrong n when she sees me sad she makes me pick her up n she cuddles into me as if to say im here for u mummy. i wrote a letter to sweetpea. i wrote about the day i said i love u, how i lost u, how i dont want to let u go how i dont want to accept ur gone. how i will always love u n i will always b ur mummy. im still feeling raw. n im working on letting myself b happy n not feeling guilty for being happy. i have to keep myself together. i cant fall completely apart. i hav my daughter who needs me. n sweetpea i think needs me to rememer that sweetpea did exist. even though it was short.

zan