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guilty and grieving

I am not sure how this is going to help anyone but I will share with you my story, which is pretty simple. I am in my late 30s and was excited to be pregnant with my first child. I prepared myself for pregnancy by getting my personal demons in order. Been alcohol free for two years, dealt with an eating disorder, and got a job so I could be in a good place.

Went and got CVS testing just to make sure. I have been through a lot of stuff in the last 8 years and just wanted to share my life with my husband and our baby. I didn't care what it was, boy or girl, as long as it was healthy. Had morning sickness, tired, gave up every known vice and still it wasn't enough. I got the results and my son was diagnosed with Down’s syndrome two days before my birthday. The end of the first trimester was on my birthday.

It was the news I have been afraid of. My husband and I discussed options long before we tried to get pregnant; we decided if the child had chromosomal abnormalities we would terminate the pregnancy. NEVER in a million years would I ever believe that I would have to face this choice.

The scientist let me knew what to do, but after I saw my baby 's hand move and hiccup, the guilt I felt and the sorrow I felt knowing that my son would not have the life he deserved and I couldn't be the mother he needed that could handle children with special needs is devastating.

All my dream and hopes were heaped upon my unborn son. These dreams were dashed. I felt damned either way. My husband and I can't deal with this and we went through with our choice.

For those out there who think we took the easy was out, please refrain from judgment. I go to bed every night crying myself to sleep mourning my little one and wondering if I did the right thing. I know I did what I had to do but it doesn't make it any better. Maybe if I was a better person, I could handle this. But I know myself best, and knew I couldn't handle it and would make everyone and most importantly, my son, miserable for something that was not his choice or fault.

I don’t see many posts on this particular subject, but we are out there. I wish I didn't have to make that choice.

I have nothing to offer but my truth and to say "it wasn't meant to be" or "you did the right thing” doesn’t help. I feel even more isolated than the mother who miscarried. People don't judge you for that. People judge harshly of people like me, but I don't think I would of done anything differently, no matter how much it hurts.

marie

my worst nightmare came true

I first found out I was pregnant early November 2006. I was extremely excited, and although I was only 18 I told all of my friends and family right away. My boyfriend was not very happy, and him and his family wanted me to have an abortion. That was absolutely out of the question though. I remember even staying up one night with my best friend, picking out names for a boy and girl.

At 8 weeks and six days I went in for my first ultrasound. I was so excited. I wondered if I would have twins. I lay on the bed while having the ultrasound. The nurse said okay, let me get the doctor and I will be right back. When she arrived she sat me up, gave me a towel to wipe away the jelly and showed me the screen. I saw a baby! I was so excited. Then the doctor went on to explain that the baby had not heartbeat, and I was having a missed miscarriage.

I was in shock. I never knew that a healthy woman could have a miscarriage. I always thought that for this to happen you need to get into like a terrible car crash or something. I had not one drop of blood so I didn’t believe this was happening to me. I decided to have a d&c instead of just wait it out. This was a good choice. There was no pain at all. I just woke up feeling like I had a normal period.

Although there was no physical pain, the emotional pain was overwhelming. My boyfriend was not there for me at all, and I felt so guilty that this was my fault. The doctor reassured me that this was a natural occurring thing, and I did nothing wrong. He said that future pregnancies would not be affected by this.

My boyfriend came around and apologized for not being there. He said he did not know how to deal with this and was sorry for reacting the way that he did. We got back together, but the relationship did not seem the same. Afraid to end the longest relationship I've ever had, I stayed with him.

Although we rarely had sex, I somehow became pregnant again in March. I had mixed feelings about this pregnancy because I no longer wanted to be with my boyfriend.

I reached 8 weeks once again, and since that was when my first fetus died in the uterus, I went to a clinic and got an ultrasound. The doctor said everything looked perfect; the heartbeat was nice and strong. I felt relieved. 4 weeks later when I was certain I was 12 weeks along because of the last ultrasound. I went to a clinic and got another. The nurse said that I was 11 weeks and 3 days. This seemed wrong to me because I was certain that I was 12 weeks exactly. She said that there was a heartbeat and the fetus was moving so I just figured that since it was only a clinic they did not know.

My boyfriend started being very cruel to me. One night he left me all alone and went drinking at a friend’s house. Things just kept getting worse and worse. I decided that I no longer needed him in my life. I stared a new job and decided that after having enough money I would leave him for good. This baby was going to be mine, all mine, and not his. I would take care of my son and give him the kind of life that people only dream of, this not including his father, who I just consider the "sperm donor"

I went to the doctor June 18, 2007 exactly 6 months before my due date of December 18. First the doctor checked me and then he felt around my stomach. He said my uterus felt nice and big. I was so glad. Then he brought in the ultrasound machine. I sat there and watched the screen. The fetus looked so big! I was so happy. I kept wondering if the doctor would tell me if it were a boy or girl. He showed me where the head was.

Then he asked me how far along I was the last time I had miscarried. I said "why is something wrong" he responded with, "well I’m not seeing a heartbeat." It was right then and there that my worst fear came true. I simply said okay. I left that place very quickly with an appointment to come back in a few days. As soon as I walked out of that office I began to cry. I cried so hard that I felt like throwing up. It was pouring outside and I just stood there in the rain, crying. Although I was only 4 blocks from my house, I was lost. I walked around aimlessly just crying my eyes out.

Only 1% of miscarriages are missed miscarriages. I couldn’t believe that this had happened to me twice and I had not idea. No blood at all. Today is Saturday June 23rd. I woke up this morning and found brown blood after using the washroom. I went to the doctor; I am scheduled for a d&c once again for Tuesday.

I REALLY do not want to go through this again. I feel so alone. My boyfriend is once again not there, and said that this was my problem not his. The last day I saw him was Tuesday, and he pushed me down and was extremely violent.

It was then that I realized that MAYBE, just maybe there was a reason for what had happened. Maybe God does not want me or my child to live a difficult life. I still cry, quite frequently for my loss, and know that no matter how hard I try I will never forget either miscarriage.

My prayers go out to all of you women who have, or are currently going through this devastating sort of loss. I especially hope that you all have supportive partners to help you through this. It’s okay to cry. Cry whenever, or wherever you feel like, and do not be ashamed. I will admit, I'm scarred and lost right now, as are many of you.

Please take care of yourselves and find support wherever you can. My heart goes out to you all.


Jacqlyn

emotions

I had a loss pregnancy last year in the very early stages. It should have been due around last month, but the thing is for some reason I have found myself feeling very emotional.

I am just crying for the least little thing even though I have gotten over the loss a while ago.

jennifer birkett

Feeling so guilty

When I had my daughter, at 20 weeks it was discovered that I had short cervix. The doctors right away put me on strict bed rest so I did until the 7th month (even though they said until I was in term) and they said still did not have guarantees. After my 7th month I got up, did house work, walked everyday for about 15-20min a day etc. My daughter was born full term and the doc had to actually induce me cause I was 3cm dilated for 3 weeks so she "helped" me along as she said.

Time came for the second baby. Before we got pregnant we went to a high-risk specialist to consult. He told us given my history with my daughter I should not have to be in a total bed rest and we do not need the stitches either. So, we all (docs, family and mainly my husband & I) did not take it seriously. We all thought it was going to go as smooth as it went with my daughter.

Well at 22-week ultrasound they told us that the cervix had dilated and the membranes are coming out. They asked us if we wanted to terminate because that was very dangerous for my life too. We decided to keep it and stay at the hospital so that we could push it to at least 24-26 weeks for the baby to live. That did not happen. I started bleeding and they told me that the pregnancy was terminated. I did not have contractions or anything they started later.

The baby came out a perfect little boy that I held in my arms. I will never forget him. It hurts so much and I feel so guilty because I did not stay in a total bed rest like I did with my daughter, I did not insist on them stitching me (we should have done it to be on the safe side), I was doing house work, but then again they told me I did not need too.

I feel that I am the most responsible and I was his mother and I should have known better. I killed him and I am paying for it, but I wish he did not have to pay with his life my negligence.

sus

lost

I lost my baby at 22 weeks 8 weeks ago when visiting my so called husband in Nigeria, I was out there just the month before to get married, then went back the following month because I missed him, when I arrived the second time it seemed like it was going to be a better holiday than the first as we did not have enough money to celebrate our so called wedding.

The first night was great we made love for a long time, after I noticed I had bleed a lot my husband did not seem to bothered he was more bothered about the blood stained sheet and pillow case, because there was no sign of blood later or the next day I just thought maybe it was because we made love. Well to cut a very long story short, over the next couple of days I noticed I was leaking quite a bit, but I thought this was from some kind of infection that I might off had, it got gradually worse and I insisted that my husband take me to a doctor because if I left it down to him he would not have bothered.

I was basically given advice to have bed rest; nothing was wrong even though I was leaking, later that evening the water leaking turned into blood leaking a lot of it, we had to go to a private clinic and wait three hours before seeing a doctor when he did finally exam me all he said was sorry there is nothing we can do, the baby is already showing. With that they took me up to a tiny delivery room where I had to wait until the baby naturally came down. My husband did not cry or anything.

I gave birth to my baby son on Good Friday the next day. I flew back to England the next day leaving my husband in Nigeria. I was in pieces but I prayed a lot and god gave me the piece I needed, but now I feel angry at him, and myself for being so careless in the things I done while pregnant running up and down for him, traveling when I should have been resting, everything, I feel mostly bad for my 12 year old son who was so looking forward to a baby brother as he loves kids to bits.

I no longer want to be with my husband but I so badly want another baby.

elaine