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Madelyn Marie Moore

Hello, I wanted to share my story of stillbirth because I want parents going through what me and my boyfriend are going through understand that your not alone even in thoes times when you feel helpless and empty.
I was 7 months (30 Weeks) pregnant, my baby was always extreamly active. I felt her kick and move all the time. However, it was not unusual for me not to feel her for a day or so. I had many ultrasounds and check ups. At my last ultrasound I had my gestational diabetes test and everything turned out fine. She was growing as expected and healthy the only thing that was out of the ordinary was I was hold a little extra fluid. My doctor set up another ultrasound for two weeks later and I went home. Two days after that ultrasound and doctors appointment the baby stopped kicking. Since this was my first pregnancy I didn't think much of it and it was not unusual for her not to kick for a day or so. So I waited for a few days and still no movement. I knew something was wrong so I called my doctor and she told me to come in right away. As I drove to the hospital and called my boyfriend and mom I could feel that knot in my stomach that something was really wrong but I kept telling myself that everything was gonna be ok. When we got to the hospital they immediatly tried to find the heartbeat and their was nonething, just silence. They did the ultasound and found that my baby girl was not moving. She had passed silently and quietly wihout anyone knowing. I could not belive that this happened to me, how was this possible?, why? As I began to sob uncontrolably I was faced with the decision of knowing that I would have to go through labor and childbirth without ever getting to here my baby cry. They induced my labor on a Monday night and my perfect baby girl was born on Tuesday July 22nd, 2008 at 3:48pm. She was healthy in every way, her cord was not wrapped nor was their anything wrong with my placenta. As we go through the planning of her services and trying to grieve and praying that everyday I do not go out of my mind. I get angry because I am her mom and I was supposed to protect her. I was supposed to teach her how to love and be loved. I will never here her call me mommy or here her say daddy. I realize that she was not ready for that. She wanted to go and play with the angels and never feel pain or hurt and I now know that is ok. As I sit here and cry for her I am forever thankful to her for what she has taught me. She made me a mom, she gave me joy and happiness that I never thought I could know, even for the short time she was with us. She gave me hope and understanding. I know one day I will see her again and she will be as perfect and wonderful as I remember her and I will forever be changed because of her. So in Precious memory of our Madelyn Marie Moore who went to play with the angels on July 22nd, 2008. Mommy and Daddy will ove you until the end of time.

Melissa

devastating loss 2

I'm supposed to be 12 weeks along now. Yesterday morning, I noticed a large amount of a brownish/ clear discharge. Until then, I had not experienced any bleeding during my pregnancy. I went to the ER where I had a physical and an emergency ultrasound done. They could not find a heartbeat. When the doctor told me the news, I also learned that the fetus only measured 7 weeks. Apparently, the baby had be just sitting inside me for 5 weeks. At 7 weeks, all of my symptoms seemed to vanish overnight. I had a feeling something was wrong. I talked to friends and family about it and they all assured me that I was fine. This was my 2 pregnancy, by the way. I miscarried before when I was 18 years old. I'm 22 now. I never did go to the emergency room when I had the 'feeling.' Now I regret it with all my heart. I was scared to hear something was wrong- and I was not cramping or bleeding. I feel like this is all my fault and I'm devastated!!! What should I do? How do I cope with this?! It seems impossible now.

angela

Losing our son

We had survived two previous miscarriages (one ectopic and one non-viable interuterine), two unsucessfull rounds of ivf and had turned our thoughts and efforts to adoption. Just one month after we passed our home study and were ready to go in the "waiting families" book we had a positive hpt. Since we had two previous losses we held the news very close. The first time I had an ultrasound to see the baby I told my husband not to even bother coming. I cried my eyes out looking at that little flicker of a heartbeat on the screen. I couldn't believe that this miracle was happening for us. We didn't even tell our parents and siblings until we were 12 weeks.

The drs kept saying "everything's fine this time...tell your families the good news." I had a sub-chorionic hemmorage and bled heavily several times during the first trimester. I even passed a clot the size of a golf ball at 12 1/2 weeks. Of course we thought, "now that we've told everyone something bad is going to happen." Well, I was put on bedrest for a week and returned to work the next week. I was so terrified to go to the bathroom. I was just waiting for the next huge clot or bleeding episode. But everytime there was bleeding we would rush to the drs and they would find a nice stong heartbeat right away. I was really starting to show and decided it was time to tell my boss and co-workers. I told my boss and thought "I'll tell everyone else at the meeting on July 7th." Well, at 16 w 5 days Monday June 30th I was sitting in my office talking to my friend when I felt a pop and a gush. I ran to the bathroom praying that I had peed myself but I knew what it was...my water had broken. Luckily my husband and I had driven into town that day and I ran to my car and picked him up at his office and he drove me to my dr's office at the hospital. My husband dropped me off at the front entrance and the rest of my water broke in the lobby. I knew it was serious from the look on my dr's face. He told me that they had to get an ultrasound to see if there was any amniotic fluid left. I think he knew that there wasn't cause he said that I had to go to labor and delivery. We could barely see the baby on the ultrasound cause there wasn't any fluid left at all. My dr and midwife met us in labor and delivery and told us that we had three choices and that we were going to hate every single one of them. We could go home and wait and risk infection. We could induce and I would deliver the baby. Or I could have a D & E. We chose induction. I wish that we had chosen to go home and wait. I wonder what would have happened. Maybe some of the fluid would have collected again.

They induced me at 11 pm and I had our son Andrew at 3:25 am on Tuesday, July 1, 2008. He looked perfect to me. Very tiny but just perfect. The placenta wouldn't come out and so I had to have a D & C anyway. They sent me home the same day. It was so painful leaving the hospital with empy arms. We also had to pass by all of these pregnant women, one of whom was smoking. I kept telling people that I didn't feel well but no one listened. On Friday morning I woke my husband up and asked him to take my temp. It was 103.8. I ended up with a raging infection, staying in the hospital for 6 days and having an additional D& C to pull 1/2 pound of infected tissue out of me.

Thank God for my husband. He stayed with me the whole time. He has been my salvation through this entire process. We found a therapist who specializes in perinatal loss. I would recommend this for anyone struggling with pregnancy loss. It is so freeing to talk to someone who really can help you through the process. I regret lots of things that happened the day that Andrew was born but I am so greatful that we were able to hold him for a long time to say goodbye. One of the nurses was so kind. She cleaned him up and dressed him in a little outfit and took his picture. She put together a memory box for us that I look through all of the time. We took some of our own pictures too. I am always a little surprised when I actually look at the pictures. He is so much smaller than I remember.

It has now been 29 days. The sadness and anger are still there but I am not so quick to tears. I am very worried about getting sick again. We want to try again as soon as possible and did not do a good job waiting like we were supposed to. It was so impossible for us to get pregnant in the first place. I feel like Andrew was our one miracle baby. We just want to find a way to honor and remember him always. He will always be our first born son and he holds such a special place in our hearts.

Becky

Becky

Stillborn at 32w6d

My son died on June 5th sometime in the evening. He was fine the day before at my drs appt. No clues, nothing wrong with him. all was fine. I didn't feel him move and I tried for a few hours and I knew in my heart my baby was dead. I went in to the drs. they confirmed what i already knew. They induced me all day friday and I gave birth to my little boy on June 7th at 1AM he was 4lbs 1oz and 18 inches long. we named him Zachary. He had red hair just like his big brother. I have 3 living kids and never thought in a million years this would happen to us. I am so lost and devastated right now but we are ttc again. I hope we are able to get pregnant again very soon and make my little angel a big brother. I am scared it will happen again but I know he would want us to try again. There was no cause found for his death. The only possible we can come up with is he was low lying transverse until the morning of my u/s to confirm his death. He was head down. So he had to have turned to head down before he died and after my last drs appt the day before. We think he compressed his cord. I love you my sweet lttle Zachary

lory

Sleepless in Chicago

I am 42 yrs old, and miscarried 2 wks ago. I have a 21 yr old son, 15 yr old daughter, and 3 yr old son. This is my 2nd marriage. In June my dearest Aunt passed away. I didnt have the chance to tell her I was pregnant. When I learned of her death i was roughly a month pregnant. I went for an ultra sound & dr told me 50% chance of miscarriage. That I should have been 8wks when i showed up in the inner ultra sound that i was about 4 1/2 wks pregnant. Hmm, roughly same time my aunt passed away. I was devasted, by Friday I was bleeding bright red. Saturday is a night I will never forget, the extreme and intense pain from 10:30pm-4:30am contracting and passing my baby naturally at home. I am numb. The dr kept saying oh its your eggs, they are too old. Excuse me? Hello, people older than me have healthy babies!! I have been suffering in silence for the past 2 wks since this has happened. I feel so empty and alone inside. I had so many dreams for this baby for it was going to be my last one. I had decided to get my tubes tied. But now I have to sit here and wait for 1 cycle to come and go before we can try again. I am terrified ! I believe I lost the baby because a few things going on..mainly stress and the death of my aunt that I loved deeply. I believe being pregnant helped me deal with her death much better. But obviously not well enough because I lost the baby too. Sure my husband tries to be there for me but come on, no man can ever truely know what us women go through especially after something like this. I just cry in silence, cry when no one is around. I miss being pregnant. Is there anyone out there my age bracket that has been able to successfully have a healthy baby even after a miscarriage?

Marleen