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To liddykins

I lost my baby yesterday I was 8 weeks pregnant, the day that I found I was pregnant naturally was a very happy day, because my doctor had told me my chance of getting pregnant is very low even with IVF. so this was like a miracle to me and my husband, we were so excited eventhough it was too early we were talking about what we have to buy for our baby and which room is going to be his or hers. It was too sad when I left the doctor office with the bad news yesterday, he was staring at my my face and I could say his heart beat at this moment should have been over 100.
our dream turn to sorrow a very big one very fast. we looked for maternity clothing, made fun of how much I ate. I couldn't see his heart broken He was excited and very happy
I don't know how old you are liddykins but I am 43 and very lonely. My family all live across the world and my husband doesn't have so much family and friends too. We are lonely and old that might have been our last chance. If you are still young or below 40 just forget about the past put it behind and try again

sepideh

Missed miscarriage, want to be pregnant again! hel

Hi all,

I had a missed miscarriage at the end of August. I went for my 12 week scan to find that the baby had no heartbeat and had actually died about 3 weeks earlier. The shock was the worst thing, my boyfriend and I had been so happy and excited and had already bought so many baby things and told so many people. I can honestly say it was the worst day of my life. What made it worse is that I hadn't passed the baby naturally and had to wait 3 days to have a d and c operation.
We decided that we wanted to start trying again straight away and I really thought I would be pregnant before now. Each time I have a period I get so upset and everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant. All I can think about it getting pregnant again and I know I should stop stressing about it but I can't!
Please please give me any tips or stories about how long it took you after miscarriage and or having a d and c.
Baby dust to all of you xx

Laura B

Hopes and dreams

I am writing this because our baby died. I was pregnant for the first time and at 13 weeks I had a miscarriage. Since it happened I have found that people don’t understand. They don’t want you to talk about it, they want you to forget about it and move on. They think you can replace one baby with a new one. They mean well but its all a bit upsetting and uncomfortable so they would rather pretend nothing is wrong and they hope that you will too.
When I found out I was pregnant it was the best feeling in the world. Then I felt scared, I was worried about the changes to my body. Worried about how we would cope financially. I was tired and drained and emotional. I wanted my first scan because I knew that once I saw a heart beat and little arms and legs it would be real to me. Despite my fears I already loved my baby, I wanted it more than anything in the world. My husband and I would cuddle up in bed and he would put his hand on my stomach. It felt so special.

I had to wait two weeks to see my GP then another 3 to see the midwife. At 13 weeks I had not had a scan and still had no appointment for one. I was getting more and more anxious

The bleeding started but they kept telling me it was nothing. I was desperate for my scan, I think I already knew that something was wrong.
The bleeding got worse, I phoned my GP and they told me not to go to the hospital. They said if I was having a miscarriage there was nothing I could do and their concern was me. My concern was my baby. I ignored them and went to the hospital. They kept telling me there was nothing they could do. They sent me home and told me to come back in the morning to see if the ‘pregnancy was still viable’. What they meant is go home and tomorrow we will see if your baby has died. I kept trying to tell myself that things were alright, I even managed to go to sleep because I knew the morning would come around more quickly if I did. At 5am the pain started. I knew then that there was no hope. We phoned the hospital, there was still nothing they could do. I was in so much pain. I went to the toilet and I saw the blood clots, I began to cry and I felt faint. I banged on the floor to get my huband's attention. The next thing I knew he was shouting ‘we are upstairs’ and the Paramedics came. I was slumped on the toilet with my knickers around my ankles. I felt so embarrassed.
My blood pressure was really low and they put me on a drip and took me to hospital in the ambulance. People kept saying ‘there is nothing we can do to stop it if you are having a miscarriage, we need to make sure you are OK’. I just wanted our baby to live. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I sat in a freezing cold room looking out at the grey sky. They took me for a scan and told me that the pregnancy sack was the size you would expect for 7 weeks not 13. They told me there was something in the sack but that it ‘didn’t resemble a foetus. They said I had to wait to see a doctor. What they meant was ‘your baby has died’ but nobody said the words.
The sister came. She kept talking about ‘managing the miscarriage’. They kept telling me that I was their concern now, that they needed to make sure I was OK. I just wanted our baby not to have died. The doctor came and told me the options for ‘managing the miscarriage’. I just wanted to go home, I was hungry and tired and numb. I wanted to have a wash and feel normal.
I went home and we had visitors. They didn’t want to talk about what had happened. They just kept talking about the future and telling us we could ‘try again’. I didn’t want to think about trying again, the thought of it scared me and I don’t want to ever go through that again. At about 8pm the pain started again. I was doubled up and it was getting worse. I was bleeding and passing ‘stuff’. We phoned the hospital and they asked me if I was bleeding more than normal. How do I know what is normal? They eventually begrudgingly told my husband to bring me in. I was greeted by a nurse called Rachel, she sat me on the bed and said ‘I’m so sorry you have lost your baby, how are you feeling?’. It was the first time anyone had properly asked me how I was ‘feeling’. I will never forget that, or her. She explained to me that I was now having the miscarriage and that as I was at 13 weeks it would be a lot like labour. I was having contractions every few minutes. I was losing so much blood, they kept putting pads on the bed but I was soaking through them, it felt like it was pouring out of me. I had a drip for fluids and they took blood tests. They gave me co- codamol and then morphine. I could smell the blood, it was smeared on my thighs and bottom. It was undignified and horrible. I thought I was bleeding to death. I didn’t want my husband to have to see this. Nobody ever told me that having a miscarriage was like this. I had gas and air and then when the pain subsided I sent my husband home. I got up to go to the toilet and I noticed a large blood clot on the bed. I had to use a cardboard liner in the toilet so they could see if I passed anything. I felt a strange sensation and looked down to see what looked like the pregnancy sack. In a strange way it was a relief, the pain stopped and the nurse told me it was probably over, that I had passed what they thought was the placenta. I managed to sleep then.
I went home. Everyone was kind. I can’t say that they weren’t. I know they loved me and were sorry and sad but the clichés started to come:
Its Nature’s way
Its for the best – there must have been something wrong with the baby
You can try again, you will feel better when you get pregnant again
Its just one of those things
At least it happened now rather than later
Well, it wasn’t really a baby yet
I just wanted to scream that it isn’t for the best, we will never know why it happened, it might be one of those things but it sucks, its awful whenever it happens and it was our baby and replacing it with another one won’t erase the pain. If you break your leg or have an operation or something its fine to sit and talk about it, people revel in the gory details. Nobody wants to hear about a miscarriage. Its taboo, nobody wants to hear what happened and how it feels. Nobody wants me to tell them that I blame myself for going for a jog the day before it happened, or for having rigorous sex. Nobody wants to hear that I thought I was going to bleed to death, that I was frightened to look down because I didn’t want to see our tiny dead baby come out. Nobody wants to hear about how horrible it feels, about the pain and the smell of the blood and the embarrassment and the indignity. Nobody wants to hear about my husband's face when he had to see me like that. I cannot say the words ‘our baby died’ because apparently that is not how you are supposed to feel. We found ourselves making other people feel better, worrying more about not upsetting them than how we really felt.

We hoped and dreamed, we looked at baby clothes and cots and prams. I had just bought my first maternity outfit because my own clothes were too tight. We thought about names. We will never know if it was a boy or a girl, we will never know who he or she may have grown up to be. We wanted our baby so much, we wanted to be a family at long last.I don't really have much of a family of my own so their was so much expectation on this tiny baby. It was only 13 weeks old, tiny but with everything that it needed, it just needed to grow. It was a baby, it was our baby.

I have posted this for everyone who has lost a baby, whatever the circumstances and has felt that they cannot talk about it and has tried to shoulder the unspeakable pain on their own. I hope for better things in the future, for me and for all of you too.

Liddykins

James

Although James was born over 27 years ago I still remember him every day. He was born 6 days early, 39 weeks + 1 day into my pregnancy. My pregnancy had been quite normal with no problems, then one evening approximately one week before he was born he was extremely active, kicking and fighting. I mentioned this to the doctor the next day at my ante-natal appointment, he said there was nothing to worry about and he could hear a strong heartbeat. A few days later I had a ‘show’ on the day I was due to go to the hospital for my ante-natal appointment; I was very excited as I knew this was a sign that the baby would be born soon. At the hospital the midwife confirmed that I was in the early stages of labour, but then she went to check the heartbeat – nothing. She said not to worry; it was probably their machine not working properly. I went to the maternity hospital (about three miles away from the hospital where I had my ante-natal appointment). I was greeted by a midwife whom it transpired had been told that my baby had died, but she had no idea that I hadn’t been informed. In those days we had a bath before giving birth, whilst in the bath I asked the midwife what happens now? She said I would have to go through the labour and give birth naturally. When they broke my waters, the waters were green, I was informed that this was a sign that the baby had been in distress. James was stillborn a few hours later, he was absolutely perfect. It transpired that the cord was tightly wrapped around his neck and he had basically strangled when the head engaged. I felt very guilty for years after, I should have gone into hospital when the baby started kicking and fighting – this was abnormal for my baby, I should have acted then. I was later told that had I gone into hospital then they would have realised the baby was in distress and carried out an emergency caesarean operation. I now have three gorgeous children, but I can’t forget my first born, I still cry when I think about him.

Margaret

Taya/Taye- My heart feels empty

I'm 29 years old and 3 days away from my 30th birthday. Two years ago i suffered my first miscarriage and thought nothing could feel worse, i was wrong. This is not to diminish someones first miscarriage but with the 2nd miscarriage the pain and the loss feels like u could drown from it and somehow u felt like u knew it was gonna happen bcus after 1st miscarriage u dont get the luxury with the next pregnancy to be worry free. I found out i was pregnant a couple weeks ago (7 Weeks along) and with my birthday pending and all the nerves associated with turning 30 i allowed myself to think God had blessed me with the best birthday gift ever. I was the girl meant to have kids and everyone around me knows it yet i'm the one without. My younger sister by 9 years got her daughter and before my niece her heart was never open to the idea of kids. i have been the best aunt to not only my niece but to my girlfriends kids. I've gotten all the words of encouragement "these things happen for a reason, believe god has a plan for u. Thanks, but i'm just not there yet. All i feel is alone in my love for this baby that should've been. Even with my fear of a miscarriage that surrounded this pregnancy i still allowed the dream of a future with me and my baby to creep into my mind and heart. I DONT think i could go through this again. U worry everyday with a new pregnancy about another miscarriage after experiencing ur first loss but when it happens it truly leaves u unprepared. Taya or Taye mommy misses what was meant and i'm sorry i dont know how to let ur daddy in. Ur loss is still so fresh. just realized today i was losing u-cant stop crying.

Margaret