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A Missing Piece

I had been about 4 days late for my period. I went to buy a home pregnancy test on a whim. I was shocked to see that it was positiive. I called my boyfriends office, but they said he left for a moment. I grabbed my keys and drove there. I showed him the test and he was stunned. We had no money saved, we weren't living together and our relationship wasn't solid. We were not ready for a baby. He expressed that feeling and said he wanted to "do it the right way." I made the decision to have the baby and started doing all the right things. I took my vitamins, got plenty of rest, even started wearing my seatbelt. While I was doing all this, my boyfriend and I were fighting. He did not want this baby. Although, at certain points, he would talk about names or skin tone (he is black, I am white). I started to think he was coming around, but just when that happened, I was let down. I started coming to grips with the fact that I would be a single mom. I did know he would be there for the baby, but didn't know where we would end up. I went for an ultrasound on March 24th. That was the day my life was torn apart. As I was looking at the monitor and saw my baby's little legs and arms, the doctor told me there was no heartbeat. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I asked if there was anyway they could be wrong. They told me no. I imediately called my boyfriend, he didn't believe me. i could sense the worry and the loss in his voice. He comforted me when we got together. He was the only one I wanted around me. I had my D&C on March 28, 2008. I woke up saying "they took my baby." I was devastated. My boyfriend was going to come and spend the night with me, but never showed. I felt rejected by my baby and my man. I was completely overwhelmed. I was angry, sad, disappointed. Those were just some of the emotions I was feeling. I felt abandonned. I was angry with the world. My boyfirend explained that he was too upset to be near me. He couldn't handle it. He was so hurt because, he too had lost his child, even though it wasn't the right time. He also felt guilty, like because he stressed me out, that was the reason I lost the baby. I assured him it wasn't, but at the same time, I thought maybe he did. That was my anger. Everyone told me "everything happens for a reason," or "there will be other children" or even "at least you know your body works". None of these things helped me, they made me angrier. I felt like all my friends were walking around in their perfect little worlds and mine was shattered. Today, I would have been 11 weeks. I broke down to my friend and she held me. The image of the ultrasound keeps popping up in my mind and makes me cry everytime. My boyfriend and I are fighting. He hasn't been able to open up and talk about his feelings and its tearing us furthur apart. I feel alone. I know I'm not the only one who has gone through this, but this is the most awful experience of my life. I feel like a piece of me, that I never knew was there, was taken from me. I feel empty inside. I know time will heal, but right now, I'm dealing with so much. I lost my baby, am losing my boyfriend, trying to balance work and Graduate school, and dealing with some financial issues. I am mad with God. I have always tried to do good and I just wonder why this is happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? I just hope that one day, I will find comfort. I know this has been a long story and if you have made it this far, thank you. I have actually found comfort in strangers more than friends/family. I know that seems strange, but thats how I'm dealing. I looked online for any article or something similiar, but I found nothing. No one had written about their boyfriend not being sure about the pregnancy and then not being there emotionally after the miscarriage because he couldn't deal with his own feeling and couldn't express them to his girl. Maybe this will find someone with a similiar situation to mine. Thank you for reading and I pray that this emptiness inside diminishes someday soon.

Jennifer

Devestated and left wondering why

On 2/8/08 I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child. It wasn't a 'truly' planned pregnancy but I was still very happy. Everything was going fine. we had an ultrasound at 7 weeks/5 days just to confirm & get my measurements - saw a fetal heartbeat, etc. Everything looked normal. On 3/21/08 I was at work & noticed some very pale pink spotting. I contacted my mid-wife who suggested that I have an ultrasound done but that I shouldn't be alarmed as at times mild spotting may occur. That alleviated my anxiety a bit - but in the back of my mind I just felt like 'there was some reason' for this happening to me. On Sunday 3/22/08 in the evening I was cramping and starting to bleed as if I were having a period. I broke down & started crying. I was traveling that day and on the plane I just couldn't hold back the tears. When I arrived to the airport my husband drove me straight to the ER. Long story short the ER couldn't assist us or quell our fears. We had to wait until the next day Monday 3/31 for the ultrasound appt. My husband came with me to the appt - but for some STUPID OFFICE POLICY REASON was not permitted to come back with me. As the tech did the ultrasound I asked if I could see the screen - as I looked I saw - there was no heartbeat!! I said to her - there's no heartbeat?! And she said "No, I'm sorry there's not"! I will never forget the utter pain & sadness I felt at that moment. I cried & cried - they had my husband come back & as soon as he saw me he just held me. I was then told by the midwife that I could opt to allow this to happen naturally or have a D & E. I opted for the natural way. On Wed eve we received a call from the midwife stating that they got the final ultrasound report & they felt the fetus would be too large for me to pass so I should go & have the procedure done. I was so stressed as I DO NOT like hospitals/surgery - I mean WHO DOES?? Anyway, we spent a tremendous amount of time in a hospital ER (as I didn't have an OB I was going through a practice of midwives) finally after I had to go through all sorts of tests again (which was horrible) - I was in extreme pain that day, they gave me a morphine drip - which did nothing for the pain. Finally at around 3:30pm we were told I was going to be taken up to surgery. Ten mins later I told my husband I need to use the r/r. He walked me over to the r/r and after urinating all of a sudden I felt something else...it was the fetus. I cried & cried. My husband came in & the dr's were notified. I didn't have to have the D&E. Our 5 yr old daughter was away on spring break w/family during this entire ordeal & having to tell her - I was absolutely DREADING as that is all she has talked about since we told her we were going to have a baby. This entire experience has been absolutely horrible - - I go through feelings of total emptiness to extreme anger...My sister is pregnant & her and I were only 1 month apart. I am so glad I found this posting board to see that I am not ALONE in my feelings. Thank you for all your experiences.

melissa

Scarlette Rose

Hi Im Deborah and I had a baby that was a stillborn on August 30 2007. This baby girl was my second child I have a two year old daughter named Ivy. I was 39 weeks pregnant with Scarlette and I went in for a doctors apointment. They couldn't find a heart beat so they gave me an ultrasound. Thats when I found out my baby died. I was so upset wondering why did my daughter die when im due in just a few days. What did I do wrong I thought.

Theres nothing I did wrong. The doctors told me she cought a bacteria. I still cry every day even though its been almost eight months since I found out that Scarlette died. My heart will always be broken from this. I never knew that I would have to bury a child at the age of 20. I had a wonderful funeral for her and my parents and my husband Joel were there for me.

Now Im 4 months pregnant with another baby. My due date is October 9th and I keep wondering is this baby going to die too. Im so stressed just thinking about this. I keep telling God please don't take this baby from me, I can't go through it again. I'll never know what's going to happen to this baby inside me. All I can do is trust God that he will take care of this baby.

Deborah

fears, anger and worries

I thought I would use this chance to write a story of my loss and to get my feelings down. On Monday my partner and I did a test and got confirmation that we were expecting. We had the usual excitement that comes with that news, as we had been trying for 6-7months. As much as I tried to contain this feeling it's hard as you can't help but be swept along to some extent of thinking ahead... I would have only been about 5 weeks gone.

Sadly on Wednesday morning I woke up to some spotting and bleeding which developed into a period. I had miscarried that quickly after finding out I was pregnant. I did have the fear that I would since a prior unplanned pregnancy that occurred when I was only 19 had also miscarried at only 6 weeks.

As I am sure you can appreciate my feelings are now all over the place. Fear for why I have miscarried so early again, along with anger, frustration and upset.. I really want to have a baby and am so upset at being back to square one again.

What can I do? i have a doctors appointment on Monday (originally booked to confirm the pregnancy), i have kept this to discuss my worries and to get any advice I can. I will ask for a blood test to check that I am not reheus Negative which can affect pregnancy I am told.

Why did I miscarry for a second time so early on? what can I do to stop this happening (daft question i know)?

i will be trying straight away. its hard as we get so much expectation from friends and family alike as they have known for years how much I would love a family... but it does add more pressure that we just dont need. plus to make this situ harder we are keeping the fact we are trying to ourselves thinking it would ease the questions... some luck! so to some extent we are dealing with this all alone...

any kind words would be well received, or advice
trapalot - a 27yr old, healthy, wants-to-be-a-mum x x

trapalot

Looking for Closure

I have been married almost 10 years. I have a son who is nine years old. Last fall my husband asked me to have my IUD removed because he wanted us to have another baby. I wanted a baby too.

At 35 years old, the whole idea sounded crazy, but we were really excited. So, for the first few months I was in hyper mode, trying to plan the time I was most fertile, etc. After being disappointed by the arrival of my period, I just decided to stop worrying about it. I figured if God wanted us to have a baby, he would work it out. I was stressing myself out from trying too hard.

Last month, it just so happened that my husband and I were intimate during my most fertile time. We weren't even trying. He had been putting in a lot of overtime at work, so I saw him much less and barely got to spend any time alone with him.

Then the week my period was supposed to start, I had some pregnancy symptoms. I felt really tired like I did with my first pregnancy. I was also very nauseated and had very bad heartburn, which I never have normally. My normal PMS type symptoms were also non existent.

I was so excited, but it took me a few days to put together what was happening. I didn't get a pregnancy test right away because I wanted to wait, to avoid the disappointment that I had been experiencing. But in my heart I already knew. I had been pregnant before.

I told my husband and we started planning the future, thinking up names, etc. One evening I started to feel some cramping in my tummy and a dull backache. I tried to tell myself this was just my body adjusting and I tried not to worry about it. But I think deep down I was a little concerned.

That day I had my sister in law take me to the store and I bought two epts. I decided to wait until morning to take it, to get better results.

The next morning I got up to pee and take the test. It was negative. I was so stunned. It is very early in the morning so I go back to bed, discouraged.

A few hours later I was back in the bathroom. This time I found out that I'm bleeding but this is not normal period blood. It had a lot of blood clots in it and was heavier and just different than normal.

The strong pregnancy symptoms I was experiencing have also disappeared as suddenly as they showed up.

At first I think I've started my period but after doing some research I realize that I probably had an early miscarriage.

I continued to pass clots for two days. Every time I went to the bathroom, my heart hurt. I just kept thinking, I'm flushing my baby away.

It's been almost a month now and I thought I was doing okay but every now and then I have this overwhelming sadness come over me. I want to be okay, but I'm not.

I am a Christian and I'm relying on the Lord to carry me through this time. I have had a lot of people praying for me, even though they do not understand what I am going through. I'm not even sure I understand it myself.

But I'm praying that the Lord will watch over my little baby until I get to heaven someday to meet her. I think she is a girl. We would have been so excited to have had her. We really wanted a girl. But I will get to meet her someday.

trapalot