Post your Story

Hayden Chase

I was really looking forward to my second baby and with having no problems or complications with my first pregnancy I was not really worried. Everytime I seen my baby during the ultrasound it reassured me that everything was ok, He had a stong heartbeat and was always moving like crazy. One day when I was 17 weeks I went for my routine check up and when they tried to listen to the heartbeat they could not find it. I seen 2 techs and then the doctor came in but no heartbeat they tried to play it off like it was their dopplers but I knew there was something wrong when I went for an ultrasound at 17 weeks. The next appt was suppose to be when I found out what the baby was so I knew that something had to be wrong if they were doing an ultrasound. I went in and she started the ultrasound and I immediatley noticed that he was not moving he was always moving. I was sent back out to the waiting room and then went into the doctors personal office and was told that my baby was dead. I went to the hospital two days after and had my precious Hayden early saturday morning and got to hold him and tell him I love him. it has been very hard to cope with the loss of your child. It is like no hurt ever before.

Michelle

Margaret Jacquelyn - Sept 15, 2010

Maybe our story can help someone who is going through a similar loss.

Update on 09/13/10

For those who have not heard... we went in today (21 weeks, 6 days gestation) to see our precious little baby. Just a routine ultrasound. I had been suspecting something was wrong for a while but had been reassured by everyone not to worry - I was probably just having a "normal" pregnancy. We could tell immediately that the sonographer was worried and, rather than beat around the bushes, I just asked her straight up, "What's wrong?" When she asked me if I had still been feeling pregnant I knew that the baby was dead. And she confirmed.

Thank you all for the love and support! We are still grieving but it was an amazing peace to get to see our baby girl via ultrasound this afternoon. As far as anyone could tell there was nothing in the world wrong with precious little Margaret Jacquelyn. She must have just been terribly anxious to go see her Creator! ;)

The roughest part is ahead as I will have to be induced and go through labor. (Past 14 weeks gestation they cannot do a D&C because the baby is just too big. It's also not really considered a miscarriage but a still birth.) Please pray that my body can rest before we have to go through that process and that it would be quick and without complication. Since we're still not sure what caused sweet MJ's passing we are all (dr's and nurses included) a little cautious about starting any induction until we know if there were further complications with my body.

God's grace has been sufficient. Grieving is part of the process and I truly believe God sees each tear and is putting them into a bottle... our grief is written in His book (ps 56). The support from friends, family, and our wonderful church family has been overwhelming. There have been times today where I really felt like a burden was lifted and we were being carried as we went from appointment to appointment.

We'll continue to keep our friends and family updated. Thank you for your continued prayer and support.

- Nick, Becca & Ellie (who has remained completely oblivious and has been totally spoiled with attention today)

Update on 09/15/10

A month ago I went in for my 17 week check-up. Michelle was the same midwife I had seen the last time (at my 13 week check-up) which is a little unusual because they try to rotate you between 5 midwives for each of the visits so that you are familiar with them all. She was so, so happy to hear that I was not sick. We had a very normal check-up. Sweet baby Margaret's heart rate was in the 130s which I noted as being a little strange because the very squirmy girl (who I actually didn't know was a girl then) had been having higher heart rates of 170 at previous check-ups. Michelle assured me that was normal for it to fluctuate.

I had one concern that day which makes me laugh now. I was very worried about my labor with Margaret being really fast ;-D Ellie's labor had only been 7 hrs and they told me to expect a somewhat faster labor the second time around. What a silly thing to worry about at 4 months ;-) But I always seem to find something to be "concerned" about...

Journal Entry:

"Michelle told me that I need to have some mantras to tell myself to settle my mind for labor.

"The curious thing about that is that I already have been memorizing Psalm 113.[I had memorized Ps 121 when I was very young and God chose that chapter to come to mind when I was in labor with Ellie. It was so comforting. This time I was proactive in picking a chapter and had memorized it already] The first verse says 'Prasie the LORD! Praise, O servants of the LORD, Praise the name of the LORD.'

"Michelle suggesed some mantras such as, 'I am healthy. My baby is healthy. I have gone through labor before and I can do it again.'

"That's all fine but what if something changes? What if I or the baby or both of us have complications? Then what mantra can I rely on?

"There is POWER in God's name!!

"And I believe the truth of Ps 113 is that God is to be praised ALWAYS. God is holy! He is all powerful. He is to be praised.

"This morning we [in church] we sang songs of grace and redemption. The thought that God as my name enscribed on His hand and that no one can snatch me from Him?! Amazing! POWERFUL. And such a responsibility to pass on the legacy to my babies."

End of Journal Entry

God knew. He knew that I would be going into labor 4 months earlier than we had planned. He knew that when I went into labor that Margaret would have been with Him in Glory for a month. It's not fair that I have to go to the hospital this morning and be induced and go through all the things a normal mom goes through only to deliver a lifeless form. It really hurts and I'm not going to pretend like I have it all together just to prove to myself or others that I'm awesome or super spiritual.

I can say this, I have been bought. I'm redeemed. And the thought that my precious, sweet baby will never have to be in a world of sin and that she is with her Creator this morning is so precious to me. I am filled with peace although I have tears just rolling down my face as I type.

There have been times in the last 3 days that I have had a difficult time "feeling" like God is with me. But I look back on Ps 113. And I realize how powerful, how holy He is. I realize that He sent His one and only Son - HIS ONLY SON. I have a daughter already and I can't tell anyone how much she has helped already to heal Nick's heart and mine. She is a precious treasure to us. But God only had one Son and He willingly gave His Son to be sent to a corrupt and wicked world. He would have allowed His Son to be beaten and tortured and for Him to die a lonely, agonizing death just for me.

If I had not received God's gift of salvation I just cannot imagine the hopelessness I would be feeling right now. But I did receive that grace. I personally asked Christ to forgive me. I believed that He not only died, but He ROSE AGAIN. He lives for me now. He has given me the Holy Spirit which is not just a warm and fuzzy feeling inside me. Right now I don't feel warm and fuzzy at all. But the Holy Spirit speaks truth to me when the world and circumstances and my sinful nature speak lies.

And it's 5:03AM and I really need to go dry my hair and get ready to birth this baby girl. ;-) Please just continue to pray for strength. I'm not the only one hurting this morning. My parents and Nick and his parents are hurting knowing what we are all about to go through.

I don't want Margaret Jacquelyn's death to be in vain. I don't believe it is because it's already brought me so much closer to my Heavenly Father. But if there were one person out there who had never accepted the redemption that is in the cross, I wish by her passing that someone would see that there is a hope that all can have.

I love you all so much. Thank you for the continued prayers and love. I slept WELL last night and that's just a miracle. It may have been my imagination but I think I started contracting some through the night so here's hoping things move quickly this morning.

Becca

My Little Angel

All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mother. I was the kid who was teased all throughout school. Most everyone laughed at me and made fun of me. I began to think as I headed toward the thirties I was never going to be married. All of my dreams of being a mother seamed impossible. All of that changed when I met a wonderful man. I began to see my future in a different light. He told me I was beautiful all the time. That was something un heard of to me. I never had a man tell me I was beautiful before he did. We got married in 2006. My dream of becoming a mother was realized two years later when our son Matthew was born. My pregnancy was filled with complications. A year later I was thrilled to find out Matthew was going to have a sibling. My 2nd pregnancy was one filled with complications. I learned at our 20week ultrasound that our baby had cysts on the brain and single umbilical artery. I had dealt with the single umbilical artery in my first pregnancy. I worried until a later ultra sound showed that the cysts were gone. I thought everything else was going to be fine. In April of 2010 my dad suffered a stroke. It was while I was at the hospital by his bed side that I left to go upstairs for a routine visit. The nurse was having trouble finding a heart beat, They needed to call in the ultra sound tech and the doctor on call. I called my husband who was at home with our son. I told him he needed to get the hospital they couldn't find the babies heart beat. It was at that visit I learned that my baby had passed away in utro. I cried and said you have to save my baby. I was 36 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to our beautiful angel Amber Ann on April 3rd,2010. I t was while I was in the hospital recovering from the c-section that I learned my dad had passed away. He died three days later on April 6, 2010. I was discharged on the day my dad passed away. I wish people wouldn't have told me at least you have Matthew. They say it like he is supposed to take the place of our daughter. No one can replace her she will be forever in my heart. I have been trying to deal with the loss of my sweet baby girl and dad at the same time. I am still trying to figure out why God had to take her from our lives so suddenly. My only consolation is that she was meant to be in heaven to greet her grandfather. I wonder if there is any way I could have prevented the loss of my baby? I had genetic testing done and the only answer I was given is that she was small and had no fluid around her. I often wonder what are the chances of this happening again? SUA is not that common in pregnancy something like one to three percent. Both of my pregnancies of had that. I am struggling with the feeling that I should have known or could have done something to prevent it. It is hard for me to talk with family as they have never gone through this before. My 2 sisters each have three wonderful boys. I just wanted two. My life would have been perfect a son and a daughter. Now I am struggling with the loss of my baby girl. I love my son Matthew. I would never want to loss him. I have always wanted a girl. I wanted to be able to buy bows and frilly dresses. Maybe next time God will bless us with 2 girls. One can dream. Even if it is a little boy I will love him the same. Has anyone ever had a still born baby with SUA?

Debra

8 weeks but already loved

I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was already in love with my baby. I started spotting but everyone even doctors told me it was normal. I went to the er one morning after the bleeding started again. The doctor took a look at me and my baby and saw everything was fine. My heart was filled with joy. An hour had passed and i was still in the er i had then started to worry again, i remember think why is it taking so long for me to leave everything is fine...everything was not fine. A youg doctor comes in and she had tears in her eyes she told me i had a miscarriage but the baby had not came out. I could not believe she was crying. She was lying. I then knew it was true my heart dropped i wasnt the same. I cried for days. i still cry about it. Im scared to try again but i want one so bad. Everyone around me is having a baby even my sister who always used to say she didnt want kids. Why did this happen to me. I hope g_d will bless me again very soon i just hope he wont take him or her away

Stacey

In the Lords arms

I was fourteen and a half weeks pregnant with my second child. When we lost our second child to what I have learned is a missed miscarriage. My husband and I had a difficult getting pregnant with our first child and were expecting the same to be true when we began to try for our second baby.
Much to my surprise, I was pregnant after just trying one month. I was elated and overjoyed, but still felt it was too good to be true.
I waited until I was 10 weeks with this baby to tell anyone or post anything on facebook. At this point I went out and purchased a bunch of new maternity clothes and even a thing or two for our new addition.
I seemed to be a bit more sick with this pregnancy than I was with my first. I took this as a good sign, because I felt it meant my hormones were strong. Once I had reached 13 weeks, I let my guard down and knew I was safe after making it through the scary first trimester.
I was pretty sure the baby was a girl and I was going to name her either Cecilia Jewel or Sadie Jewel. My son (2) would talk about the baby in mommy's tummy and would give his new sister kisses.
On Tuesday August 3, 2010 I went to my moms house to drop off my son and then proceded to my OBGYN's office for my appointment. I went into the office and got up on the table. I was so excited to hear the babies heartbeat for the second time, but this time with the doppler. The doctor began to search for the heartbeat. I would smile everytime I thought I heard it, but the doctors face grew more conncerned everytime he moved the doppler. He kept saying to me "thats not it, lets check here". He then told me that maybe we were off on the due date and that he wanted me to go in for an ultrasound.
I went back into the wating room and waited 45 min. I knew deep down that something was wrong, but I coould have sworn I felt at that very moment that the baby had moved. I thanked God in a little prayer and continued to wait. I texted my mom and husband to let them know that I would be running late and what was going on.
After waitng for what seemed like an eternity, the ultrasound tech came out and took me back to the room. She asked what the problem was and I said tha doc had a difficult time finding the heartbeat and that we may be off on the due date.
She had me lie down and began to wand my belly. I could see on the screen that the baby looked the same as it did the last time. She measured the baby and said the baby is measuring 11 weeks old. I was confused and a million thoughts ran through my head, but nothing could prepare me for waht she said next. She told me that there was no blood flow to the baby and no heartbeat. I gasped for air but felt as though the air had just be sucked out of my lungs, I had even forgotten how to inhale. I was told I'm sorry by the teach and was lead to an isolated room. My nurse came in hugged me and offered me water and her condolences. My doctor came in and said that the baby had probably died a week after my last appointment and that I did nothing wrong. He told me I needed to undergo a D&C the next day at the hospital. He told me how sorry he was for my loss and lead me out a back door to my car. He didn't want me to have to walk through a crowded wating room of pregnant women.
I texted my husband and tried to pull myself together on my way back to my mothers house. When I opened the door. She said is eveything okay? I shook my head no and began to break down. She hugged me and began to cry. My husband came and got me and we wnet home. He, my mom, and his mom called the rest of the family to let them know.
That night I couldn't sleep, I was sure the baby was still alive and I couldn't bare the thought of them removing the baby. I insisted they do another ultrasound, but my husband reassured me that the baby was no longer alive. In the hospital bed I lay asking God why had this happened? What did I do wrong? Did I not drink enough water? Did I take a pill that had taken my unborn childs life? I went over every moment of the last 15 weeks of my little babies short existence searching for what I had done to harm her. I sobbed in that hospital bed begging for clues as to where I went wrong.
I was reassured that, nothing I did was to blame and that this is how nature take care of things.
I was given medication to calm me down, kissed my husband goodbye and held on to my belly and I was wheeled in to give birth to a baby that was no longer with me. A baby I would never see, hold, kiss, or hug.
As soon as I went to sleep, I was awake again. I felt numb, weak, and sad. I asked if the baby was a boy or a girl. The nurse said she didn't know. The nurse told me she went through it as well and that she was sorry for my loss.
I went home and went to bed, I couldn't speak to anyone. My husband guarded me and screened calls. Thanking people for their prayers and kind words and letting them know that he would tell me they had called. Six days after the D&C my minister adnhis wife came over. We had a memorial service for the baby. We prayed for the healing of our pain.
Days went by, and weeks went by. I had good days and bad days but everyday was a challenge. Facing questions, tilted heads and hugs, and being asked how my pregnancy was going was a constant fear. Would I make it through the day without breaking down? Would I be able to put on a smile and be my usual chipper self?
I felt as though I had lost a family member and I had, but no one around me could relate, not even my own husband. To the world I had lost a pregnancy, but to me I had lost a child. A child I had held everyday for nearly 15 weeks. Everything I did I though about the child I was carrying. I had made plans for the baby. I saw a future with our new baby and it was hard to begin changing those plans, dreams and hopes.
It has been almost two months since I was faced with the hardest thing I have ever experienced. If it were not for my strong faith and being able to talk with those who had been through the same thing I would not have been able to get through it. For everyone out there suffering this loss, I want you to know that time really does heal. Don't be afraid to talk and share your feelings out loud with others. If you feel as though you have no one to talk to write down your feelings.
Every night I pray for everyone going through this. Take comfort inknowwing that you are not alone and that everything will be okay.

Carolyn