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Lost for ever

I am a foreign to this country, working in a biomedical lab as a postdoc fellow. My life is very stressful, and maybe the way I treat it increased the stressful level. I kept on telling myself that the first generation of immigrants is the most difficult and we could do our best for our next generation.

It seemed to me that I stuck somewhere...career exams, baby, lab work, my husband's work...everyday I thinks about it too much. I made a lot of plans and I changed the sequences of having a baby first or taking the career exams first for tons of times. And finally we decide to have a baby first this year.

Luckily I got pregnant after 3 times of trial. My last period was this April 19. I can't help telling my parents, my in-laws, and my closest friends (most being moms now). Although I kept on telling them do not tell other relatives or familiars until I past the first trimester.

Unfortunately, it happens. Last Thursday I had a little bit brownish discharge. I called my OB and she said it is quite normal. I insisted to get my HCG tested. Although I was worried, I still felt that it was normal and I went on to write a beautiful plan about my life this year and next year in my blog.

Now I knows that plans will never work out if I plan too much. This Monday I had my HCG tested and also ultrasound. Within one minute, the ultrasound doctor said that she couldn't find anything in my uterus...even no embryo sac. My HCG was only 626mIU/ml. The next day it decreased to 510. My OB said that the implantation was not successful. The pregnancy was not healthy.

I began to bleed yesterday. I discharged a piece of tissue, 4-5 CM long, membrane sac like. I really want to show it to the OB to see if it is the embryo sac... I just felt quite sad about it since the ultrasound doctor said she did not find anything in my uterus.

But anyway, I know it's not her fault. The HCG was low and the pregnancy could not continue for sure.

Before we saw the discharged tissue, my husband and I were sad but not so sad. Now when we look at this big piece of tissue, it reminds us that our baby really existed for a while...no matter one hour, one day or a week.

It once existed.

This is my first pregnancy in my 30 years of life.

Tears...

What I can say. I wish that my dear first one happy for ever in the heaven...

Connie

My lost babies.

My story begins in feb 2007 when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Both myself and my partner were really pleased and excited about becoming parents after being together for 10 years.

My pregnancy was going really well. I had no sickness, all my blood and urine tests were good and our first scan at 12 weeks was all clear from any problems. Before going off on holiday to spain I gave blood for the triple test. After having a really good holiday and feeling relaxed and enjoying my pregnancy I came home to the results of the test being high in Spina Bifida. This became the worst week of my life.

We were sent to king's Collage Hospital in London for a scan which comfirmed that my baby had Spina Bifida. My partner and I were really upset but made our decision to terminate the pregnancy. I was 20 weeks pregnant and had to go through labour and birth, to have nothing at the end of it. It was a very difficult time for myself and my partner who had to watch me going through all of this.

At the beginning of 2008 I felt ready to start trying again. I decided to lose weight, change my diet, do more execise and my partner gave up smoking. In May 2008 I found out I was pregnant. Feeling really pleased but a little scared of what happened last time.

This week is a year since what happened to my first baby so I was hoping it would be a happier time than last year. At the beginning of this week I started bleeding. I was 6 weeks pregnant and was going to the bathroom and seeing pink on the tissue. I was really worried because at the same time my pregnancy symptoms went away. After the weekend I went to see my doctor who didn't seem worried as I was not having any pain. She booked me in for a scan 4 days later and told me not to worry. After going back to work the bleeding became heavy and on the fifth day of bleeding I had some stomach cramps which resulted in miscarriage.

I feel really confused about what I have done in life to make this happen to me but after reading your stories it has helped me to realise that it has not just happened to me .

Myself and my partner needed time to pick ourselves up again after what has happened before we try again.

We will not give up, I will have my baby in the end!

Louise

don't give up

I am 30 yrs old. My family, husband co workers have been driving me crazy about having a child. I was on the depo shot for 5 years and finally decided that I was ready to get pregnant. I stopped the depo shot and after 6 months started to worry about infertility due to the shot. After reading hundreds of horror stories about it and deep ending because I didn't know if I could get pregnant, I called the doctor to see if there was anything else I could do. She just said to keep trying and try not to think about it. When your ready, you are ready! Two months later I was pregnant. I went in for first sonagram was 5 weeks 5 days, we heard the heartbeat. I had some bleeding but no cramping at that time. They told me that the yolk sac around the baby was as big as the gestational sac and that was a concern. I was instructed to take it easy. They scheduled a second sonagram for a week later and told me they had seen this before and that things could be normal in a week. The next day the cramps started and after 3 long and painful days I miscarried. Upon ultrasound after, the doctor glimpsed what is known as a septate uterus. This is the cause of my loss and usualy not detected until several miscarriages. I will be having the surgery to correct this in a couple of months. I am sorry for everyones loss. Don't give up. Good luck.

kt

Maternal Intution

On the 7th may 2008 I suffered my first miscarriage at 6 weeks, which I suppose is practically nothing to most people, but it still effected me in ways I couldn't imagine.

Around mid April I began to feel different - seemingly constant indigestion, extreme sensitivity to smells (even ones no one else could apparantly sense), unbearable nausea and tiredness. All being early signs of pregnancy. I was convinced that I was in the early stages of pregancy. I know my body better than anyone else and I knew that something was wrong (or infact very right).

In the run up, and following, 3 negative pregnancy tests I was told by my family and partner that I was perhaps exagerating my symptoms, and by my GP that the likely hood of me being pregnant were very slim.

So imagine my pride when following a forth pregnancy test and a blood test I was proven right. Finding out that I was pregnant was probably the best day of my life, and I really can't explain the feeling. What added to my happiness was that I was seemingly so in tune with my body and knew my body so well to actually stay convinced through failed tests and negative attitudes.

Unfortuantly, this happiness was short lived.
I had gone to bed the previous night with cramps, which I assumed to be a normal sign of pregnancy as they weren't painful.
When I woke in the morning I had heavily bled throughout the night and this bleeding continued for the best part of a week. Needless to say a blood test to check my HCG levels confirmed my worst fears.

I can't compare a miscarriage to the experience of losing some one you've known for a long time, or even the loss felt by parents of stillborn children or deceased children, but the grief and loss is still there. After a lot of crying, soul searching and trying to find an explaination as to why this happened, I realised that there was nothing I could have done. I think this realisation is very important because I spent a lot of time blaming myself, as I've learnt many other women do.
My advice to others is to grieve in your own way, but not to blame yourself. Allow others to help you and offer a shoulder to cry on, because I don't know how I would have coped on my own.

Eloise Maguire

The love of my life, My Angel

It's sad because I am now lost, even though I have two other children to live for. I remeber everything like it was yesterday. I first had some brown spotting and cramps that would run throug my stomach non stop.At this time I was dumbfounded b/c I knew that it was abnormal. So I called the OB nurse explained everything to her and once she told me that it could be life threating I ran out of work. I made it to the hospital and the first steps they took was to draw some blood , after that the Doctor had to give me a full body exam. Right from there I knew something was wrong b/c the Doctor could not hear a fetal heart beat. The Doctor told me not to worry because everything was going to be alright. That put a big smile on my face. After the exam the Doctor sent me to get an ultrasound. At this time I am nervous, praying to GOD thinking that it would make a difference and I knew my baby was gone(went to Heaven). I read the Doctors face expression. The Ultrasound Tech told me that my ANGEL was only measuring at 6 weeks and there was no fetal heartbeat. My ANGEL should of been 10 weeks at the time. My heart is broken. Having a miscarriage took so much away from me. I am now anemic, I heard from two different Doctors that I could have died. I am taking different medications. I am physically, emotionally, mentally damaged for life. It was a very long process for me after taking two different doses of misoprostol and getting a D&C. I can now remember that I have two healthy and beautiful children at home and they need me, just as much as I need them. Now I know that everything happens for a reason. I blame myself, at one point a time I was blaming GOD. It's so many women out there who get abortions for many different reasons. Then you have those women out there who would love to be great mothers and can not even have children. Then you have mothers like me, who hopes get all high ready to be a mother of three and it does not work out that way. Peace and Love for all the women who expierenced everything that I went through and even worst. Just pray and everything will be alright. GOD BLESS
Rest in Peace Angel
I hope that you will come to me in my dreams.

Rabbit