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Goodnight sweetheart

My husband and I were delighted when we learned that we were expecting again, given that we had miscarried exactly a year previously. I decided that this time I was going to do everything correct. We had not planned for this baby. We decided that whatever happens happens. So you could just imagine the excitement that we felt when we learned that we were expecting and that God had given us a second chance.

I will never forget the moment when I learned about my bundle of joy. I was sitting in my office at work feeling slightly nauseous when my girlfriend popped her head in the door and asked if I was ok. I had so much going on, I was preparing for my bar exams and working at the same time. I pooped my head up and responded yes, I just feel a little nauseous, being the concerned and inquisitive person that my girlfriend is, she immediately perked herself onto the chair and looked directly at me and enquired as to the symptoms I was having. I informed her that my body felt exhausted. I don't know perhaps with the studying and the working. She asked, when was the last time you had your period? Uhhh December 16, I guess. This was 32 days ago. Ok she responded, we are going to Walgreen's to get a pregnancy kit. I thought she was crazy, nevertheless the result was positive. I immediately called my husband, whose screams I will never forget.

Anyway we scheduled our first doctor's appointment as planned and everything seemed ok. We decided to move to a bigger house so that we could accommodate the arrival of our newborn.

We informed friends and family. I even plucked up the courage to tell my 18 year old daughter, (who is from a previous marriage). She did not seem too pleased initially, given the fact she said she thought I was an older woman. I beg to differ; I do not think 42 is OLD.

My husband and I kept a journal and would write to our baby every night. We were so excited; this was going to be his first child. I stopped drinking alcohol, caffeine and started eating really healthy.

Just as I was approaching my 12th week, I started spotting; I yelled out to my husband, "don't worry," he replied, "didn't the doctor say it was ok to spot?" Regardless, I insisted that we go to the hospital immediately. After waiting 4 hours we were finally examined. The ultrasound revealed that my baby was the size of an 8 week old and that the baby had died 4 weeks ago.

My heart skipped a beat. I looked at my husband who looked devastated, but I could see he was trying to stay strong for my benefit. How could this be? 12 hours ago I was on top of the world. I was the luckiest woman on earth. I had a husband who loved me, great friends a terrific job, I managed to sit my bar exams without any hiccups, why had my world suddenly crumbled? What did I do wrong?

We left the hospital feeling very despondent. I wanted to be strong for my husband because I remembered how hard he took the last miscarriage, but I couldn't help myself, I cried and cried and cried. I called all of my girlfriends because I felt that might ease the pain. Sure enough for a moment or so but then you still remember. That poor sweet innocent baby had been dead inside me for 4 weeks.

I carefully removed all of the baby magazines from the house and placed them away. I wrote a farewell note to our baby in the journal and fell asleep in my husband’s arms that night.

This morning I read a few stories on this site from women who are going through the same experience as I am.

All I can say is stay strong ladies and remember your partners, they are grieving too just as much as we are. Take the time to ask him how he feels, if he does not want to open up just wait until he does.

I know for me and my household, we are going to stay strong. I am going to keep trying to conceive and I know I will have a success story to share. I will always remember my baby's birthday September 21, 2007.

Goodnight sweetheart, we loved you from the date of inception and we will always remember you.


Sandra Triolo

Mad at the world

At 20 weeks me and my boyfriend lost the baby we named Shawn. I had problems the whole pregnancy; I was bleeding the whole time because I had a tear in the plactia. The doctors told us that if I was on bed rest hopefully the tear would heal but that the baby was doing fine and his heartbeat was strong.

I went to see the doctor because I was having really bad pressure and wanted to make sure everything was okay. The doctor said that she never had a 2nd trimester miscarry before so I had nothing to worry about because she didn’t think this would be her first.

Well just 4 days later I miscarried. I was at home with my boyfriend’s mom and it felt like I just had to use the bathroom; well I had the baby instead. I’m not sure how my boyfriend is feeling about the whole thing because he won’t talk to me about it because he doesn’t want me to worry about him right now.

We wanted the baby so badly we were so happy to be pregnant from the day we found out. And people say well you can try again but it’s not the same, we were ready for a baby in July but now we "try" again later!

Some people don’t even want the kids they have and beat them or just leave them we WANTED our baby and he was taken away! It isn’t fair.


Christine

29 week stillbrith

On February 14, 2007 I realized that I hadn't felt Isabella move all day. I asked some people that I worked with who have been pregnant in the past if this was normal. Everyone reassured me it was normal, she was just running out of room, and wouldn’t' t be kicking as much as she was before. I knew in the back of my head that this just wasn't right, so I called the doc when I got home from work, and he told me just to come the birthing center to get checked out, and he was sure everything was ok. (I had an appt 3 days before, with a healthy hb)

So, I called my husband at work, and told him he needed to take me. He came home, and we left. All the way to the hospital I had a really sick feeling in my stomach, and I knew that something was not right. We got there, and she hooked me up to the NST machine, but was having problems hearing the hb. So, she got out the handheld Doppler, and still couldn't find one. Well, at that point, the doctor came in with an ultrasound machine, and confirmed that she didn't see anything.

At first, I thought she was joking, like it just didn't seem real. Everything had been fine. I had the perfect pregnancy!! No morning sickness, none of the aches and pains that everyone else seemed to be complaining about...so how could this happen????? We had to make the decision whether to go home, or to start inducing that night. We decided to go home, sleep a few hours, and then go to the hospital the next afternoon. That night was the hardest night of my life.

I couldn't sleep, I just kept replaying the doctor’s words in my head, and kept thinking maybe if I had called sooner.... all the doubts in the world. So, that next day we drove back to the hospital, and they started the induction. I made no progress the whole day, and by 7 am the next day I was only dilated to 2cm. She decided to break my water, and hoped that would speed things up. Well, by 9am, it was all over. I didn't even have time to have the epidural put in, so needless to say it was very painful.

As soon as she was delivered, the doc said it was a definite "cord accident". She was a little too active, and got tangled up in her cord. Knowing what caused it, and knowing there was nothing that could have prevented it makes me feel a little better, but my daughter is still not here.

Hopefully this story will help someone else who this has happened to, because I know myself reading something like this has and still does help me.


Jessica

Trying but not succeeding

Everything was fantastic until the morthology scan at 19 weeks where we were told our baby had a tumor growing on her brain and probably wouldn't survive full term pregnancy and if she did she would be born with severe cerebral palsy and would not survive for more than a few hours. We then terminated our pregnancy-went through induced labor at 20weeks.

We both got to hold our little girl (Kate) and I tell you it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She was so beautiful.

7 months later we fell pregnant again and miscarried at 6 weeks. And 3 months later fell pregnant again and miscarried yet again at 6 weeks. We do want to try again but are so drained by the losses and wondering why this is happening?? We have both been tested for lots of things but have all come back clear.

I wish you all good luck and can relate to the heartache and confusing feelings we all have to go through.


Lizzy

my baby is gone

I found out that I was pregnant 02/01/07 and I was so happy. I tried to call my husband at work to tell him the great news could not get hold of him and then after 1 hour I get a phone call from his doctor with his test results and I found out that he has skin cancer, which just broke me down.

From that moment I did not know what to do to. I did not know if I should be happy or what should I do because I just wanted to die at that moment but I had to stay strong for him when he finds out and for our 3 1/2 years old daughter and now for my unborn baby. So we focused more on me being pregnant and start telling everyone that we are expecting but 2 weeks after I started to spot and I went to see my doctor and he told me that is probably nothing because I don't feel any cramps so he told me to just take it easy so I did but my spotting would not stop it would go on and off for the next few week.

I went to ER because I just new that there was something wrong. So when I went to the ER they did some blood tests and everything was ok but they wanted me to come next morning for ultrasound and that's when they told me that my baby died at 6 weeks and I was 11 weeks at that time and my world crushed down for the 2nd time in less then 2months I was devastated. Doc from the ER call my OB/GYN and they said I am going to need D&C done so me and my husband were crying all the way to the hospital and asking God what else he has in store for us because we are not sure how much we can take.

I spent the night in the hospital with my husband at my side had the D&C done that morning. I felt so empty and so sad that I have to go home in my maternity clothes even I’m not pregnant any more. When I came home I found out that my friend had her baby via C section at the same time when I had my surgery which made me happy for her but even more sad for me because I did not have chance to bring my baby home.

I felt that I’m being punished for something that I did. It was even harder for me to spend time with my daughter but I’m starting to deal with everything because I understand that it was god's plan for us it's hard but we can't do much there. I would like to have another baby but now I’m not sure how I would deal with it if it happens again.

This kind of loss only a mother can feel so my heart goes to all of you.


almira