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saying goodbye to an angel

I had a miscarriage on the 22nd of Feb.,2008-just 3 days ago. The pain that I felt and still continue to feel coming from my heart cannot be compared to anything else I've had to endure before.

It wasn't a planned pregnancy and my relationship with the father was turbulent and stressfull. Though he never ran away from his responsibility with me, he already has 3 young kids and though he was kind enough not to say it, he wasn't really too keen on having more.

I have a conservative catholic family and me being unmarried decided not to tell them until I have come to an agreement with my boyfriend about our future together. We were both financially capable of taking care of this child but we have our differences and I didn't want us to be together just because I was pregnant. Still I would cry every night I'm alone, worried and unsure if I would be able to raise a baby by myself if I have to but knew I would if I had to.

I found out I was pregnant on the 7th week. I thought I missed my regular as ever period because I was sick with colds and fever.I was having abdominal cramps like I usually do with my bad PMS.I was worried because of the motrins and nyquils I had taken but my OB-GYN said the vaginal ultrasound confirmed it was healthy inside the uterus.

I has a light bleeding a week after so they did a pelvic ultrasound and re-checked my HcG levels but it went up instead and the fetal heartbeat was okay. She just saw something doubtful that might be a clot of blood that didn't come out so she sent me for my official sonograms at the radiology dept. Finally she called to inform me I was carrying twins and the other one was a blighted ovum. It didn't develop like the other twin so my body might have been eliminating it hence the expected bleeding again after another week, which continued for 7-8 days. I was re-assured it is okay as long as I don't bleed out to 1 maxi pad an hour and no intense cramping with tissue passing.

It eventually worsened Friday at 5 a.m and I was crying on the phone telling my boyfriend I was feeling contractions. I went to the bathroom because I thought I peed on my panties. Blood was just all over and at 11 weeks I held my daughter on the palm of my hands. She was still just a fetus but didn't make her less of a human being that God has created with her tiny,little legs and arms and dark eyes. I was amazed at how fragile she looked with her transparent skin and how I was able to form and nurture this wonderful baby inside of me. I knew this was the viable twin but on my way to the hospital I was praying it was non-viable one.

I was sobbing the moment my OB confirmed it through the ultrasound that my uterus is now empty. I was in shock and couldn't comprehend what my boyfriend was saying the whole time!

The torturous physical pain I went through those 12 weeks I can endure but the terrible loss emotionally and having to let go of that brief memory of holding her lifeless body is the most difficult thing to do.

Maybe it's too soon to get over this grief but I cry every day. My doctor said there was nothing I could have done to prevent the miscarriage but I can't help but look back, was it the meds I took before I found out I was pregnant? Perhaps I should have been more careful with my body. All the questions I could think of- maybe I was stressing her? She might have thought she wasn't wanted?

This was my first pregnancy and they were supposed to be twins. Then there was only one and I would have been just as happy. She would have been my first born...

My precious child I had picked a name for you the night before you had to go away. I have named you Alessandra Mikaela. I am your mother and I wished I could have protected you better. I am sorry my womb hasn't been the best nurturing environment for you. But I love you very much and I will miss talking to you everyday and cradling you in my stomach and gently touching you with my hands to comfort you when I feel pain. For I know you might not be comfortable.

God has taken you to be my Angel in heaven. I will always pray to God that He'll look after you and someday mommy will be with you.
I can't wait to give you my hugs and kisses....

Miscarriage

My first miscarriage happened last July. I had a blighted ovum and only found out when we had our first scan at 8 weeks. We had it early as we were going on holiday to the Carribbean for 2 weeks and wanted to make sure that everything was OK before we went. I never thought in a million years that it wouldn't be. I'd had no bleeding or pains and I'd never heard you could miss a miscarriage.

So we went to the hospital full of naive excitement and anticipation and that was all crushed in a split second when the scanographer said there was no baby. Looking back I should have known. There was no morning sickness and my breasts were less sore than they had been at the start. I felt like we had been cruelly tricked. The process of arranging the ERPC was drawn out over another 10 days due to various tests and guidelines. We missed our holiday, it was a hard time. But I was always realistic about it and optimistic that we'd get pregnant again soon.

I was loaded with stories from nurses, friends and colleagues about all the people they knew who had miscarried and then got pregnant again straight away and now have children etc and I believed them. So when I didn't get pregnant again straight away I got depressed. I knew I could get pregnant so why wasn't it happening? I became obsessed with my menstrual cycle and what I ate and when we had sex. I have a very stressful job and I got stressed and upset about the fact that stress can affect your fertility and I went into a downward spiral. I was so anxious all the time.

Then I realised I had to do something to help myself. I've reduced my hours at work and have regular reflexology and feel so much better. In December I realised I needed to give myself a break and I had a boozy xmas and new year and ate everything bad for me. And I fell pregnant! I was so surprised. We were very happy and I was relieved that I could get pregnant again. We were cautious though and I was apprehensive about how I would get through the next few weeks.

The first week I felt on top of the moon, in the second week I started to become anxious, cold and sad. Then it happened, I miscarried at 6 weeks. I was so shocked, again I really didn't think it would happen. That was 4 weeks ago. I have recovered physically much quicker than last time and I thought emotionally too. But now I fear I'm getting depressed again. It's like it's always a delayed reaction.

We were at a dinner party last night and my friend announced her 20 week pregnancy and then my other friend was saying how she fell pregnant accidentally but how great parenthood was. It was just too much for me and I had to go to the bathroom and sob my heart out. I had a jolly good cry later with my husband who is so supportive. I thought that may make me feel better but today I feel just as bad. My husband is worried that I am getting obsesed again and so am I. I just can't help it though.

Why can't my babies grow like everyone else's? None of my friends or family have had any problems with their pregnancies, its so unfair. I think I have PCOS because I have very clear symptoms. My doctor dismissed me when I mentioned it to him and just harped on about statistics and what has happened to me is nothing out of the ordinary. That just doesn't make me feel any better.

Until we have another miscarriage no-one will help us. We have been trying for over a year now. I just want to have a baby, I just want it to grow inside me.

Angie

lo qu nunca pense que podria pasar

En verdad yo nunca pense que eso me pudiera pasar ami. Me sorprendi mucho cuando esto paso. Yo trataba de comer bien pero la verdad siempre estaba pensando en no comer demasiado pues no queria subir de peso mas de lo normal. Ahora me arrepiento de esos pensamientos que tuvo.

Cuando esto paso no pense en lo importante de lo que habia pasado asta ahora que me pongo a pensar y me pongo a identificar todos los motivos por los cuales ubieran sido un factor. Quiero tener un bebe en muy poco tiempo pues me gustan mucho.

victoria

My Story

Well here is my story: I lost my Sumayah on September 17,2006 at 10:31pm. I was 21 weeks and 2 days along.

I went to the doctor on Sep 14th for my rountine ob visit.I had been spotting for about 3 days prior but that was not uncommon for me as I had been spotting off and on throughout my pregnancy. I told the Nurse Practitioner about it at my visit and she scheduled me for a ultrasound at the perinatal center at the hospital. (I had been having routine ultrasounds at the perinatal center from the beginning of my pregnancy because I started out passing clots at 6 weeks, and had about 6 or 7 ultrasounds total).

The ultrasound showed that Sumayah was doing wonderful. Her heart rate was excellent everything in my abdomen was right where it should be and her growth was pretty much on point. Because of my recurring spotting they also did a vaginal ultrasound. This revealed that my cervix had dilated to 5cm. I was then urgently admitted to the hospital and put on strict bed rest. I was to have my head lowered towards the floor and my feet in the air to try and keep her off my cervix.

I was given a foley catheter in my bladder to drain urine since I was not allowed out of the bed and if I needed to have a BM, I had to use the bed pan. I am a nurse(LPN) and it was very hard at first to have to do this but I knew that it was best for my baby so I gave in to my non-independence and embarrassment.

Things were going fine until the 16th which was saturday night into sunday morning the 17th. I developed a fever late in the night saturday but the nurse thought it was because I was not getting enough rest. When the morning nurse arrived (she had been my morning nurse the entire time I had been there except one day) I told her that I was freezing and felt like I had fever. She checked and sure enough I had a temp of 100.6 (i had been 97.9-98.3)

So she called the on call Ob for my practice since my doc was off that weekend. She ordered a really strong antibiotic for my infection because all my test had come back normal. In the process I lost my mucus plug that morning but I think she was scared to tell me this becassue she didn't want me to freak out. This antibiotic has a chance of crossing the placenta but I figured that this would be better than me losing her. My fever had spiked to 101.7 by 11am. I received the antibiotic at 1pm and by three my fever had come down to 99.7 and I felt sooooo much better.

At 7pm I started having what we thought were bladder spasms because nothing was coming up on the monitor and it felt like it was smack in the middle of my bladder. The new evening nurse that came in was awesome. I had started to leak fluid and a maxi pad was put on so that I would not feel so wet. The spasms were hitting me abbout every20 minutes for 2 hours. About 9:30pm they had stop. The on call doc came back at 10pm that night off a hunch to check my cervix because she felt like the infection was coming from there given all my other test results were negative.

When I went to open my legs for her to do the exam my bag of water was bulging out of my vagina. The bladder spasms I was having turn out to be contractions but because she was so small and she had come down into my vagina the contractions were being felt in my vaginal area.Since I was no longer having them I had to deliver her vaginally with the doc putting her hand into my vagina so that I could feel where to push at.By the 4th push she was able to grab her head and bring it to the opening of my vagina.

I delivered her at 10:31pm on September 17,2006. She weighed 15ounces and was 10 3/4 inches long.The doctor told me that when she broke the water bag(she used her hands intstead of a hook)that the bag felt really rubbery so she think the infection had set into the water bag.

The next time I get pregnant I am going to have a stitch put in because it is believed that I just have a incompetent cervix possibly due to some scarring that I have on it. I also have a history of endometriosis,polycystic ovarian syndrome and a fibroid tumor in my uterus.

There was nothing wrong with her cord or anything so basically it was my body that failed me. I named her Sumayah Bharatti Wilkins. I got Sumayah from a model off of Runway Mom, and I got Bharatti is indian because her father is from India (he and I are sooooooo not together).

This is my story...I too would love to hear your story as well. Thanks for reading mine and sorry that it was so long.
Take care.I am sorry about your loss as well (((HUGS)))

Charmaine

no more kids?

I am going through a divorce to a man who had a vasectomy after our second child. I was always bitter about him doing that, but it was a compromise that I had made in order to have my second child.

I met someone after our separation who had a child and said he wanted another baby in the future. I accidentally got pregnant, but after the initial shock, I was thrilled. My dream had come true of being able to have another child after I thought I would never be able to have another one.

I miscarried at 7 weeks, and my relationship ended after he told me that he didn't really want the baby now anyway, and that now he doesn't think he wants anymore in the future either. Now I'm even more devastated that not only did I lose my baby, but also my chance of having more.

I'm not exactly young, so I may not find another man before my time of having kids is up. No one else seems to understand how hard this is on me.

Charmaine