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stillborn at 38weeks

I we nt into labour on sat 7th march 09, i phoned the hopitial and told them i was having contractions, they told me to come in. I went in at around 6.00am, by 6.40am i had given birth to a perfect beautiful girl, but she was stillborn. I couldnt believe this had happened to me, as im sure all parent who lose a baby due to stillborn cant believe why it has happened to them.

This has been the hardest day of my life to go to 38weeks during a preganancy and lose the baby girl i always dreamed of.

The postmorten results came back that louise diied of an infection called coliforms. The doctor said it happened really quick, so now i kept thinking what if i went in the day before she might be alive and with me now, but i cant go back in time

I later buried my daughter a few weeks later. I still cant believe she has gone. i will always love my little girl she will be will me forever.

MY BOYS !!

i got married in april 2008 and my husband came from pakistan in may 2008 and i found out i was pregnant in june 2008. we was over the moon, couldnt beleive my eyes when i saw the positive result on the home pregnancy test. my mum made me do 3 tests just to make sure. everything was going so well. when i was about 11 weeks i had abit of spotting, stayed with my mum for the night she looked after me and it was gone the next day. i went for my scan at 12 weeks, when i saw my baby move i started to cry, it was too good to be true. my husband was gob smacked. we took pictures home, framed it and sent it to everyone via message. i was about 16 weeks and i felt something flicking in my stomach. i told the midwife and she said its the baby moving, from then onwards everynight the baby would get very active but it was the best feeling in the world. i was 18 weeks and 3 days. went to bed, woke up at 2am with a very sharp pain in my stomach. went to the toilet, and went back to bed. then same again at 3am and then at 4am and every hour after then. it just got worse, my back started to hurt. it was 8am and my husband said you should go to the doctors. i made a appointment with my GP, went to see her at 10am she said its just musclar pains take paracetamol and youll be ok. so i came to my mums house, and there i couldnt even sit i was in tears. i was like a fish without water, couldnt understand what was going on. the pain would shoot from the back to my front and then vice versa. my mum said looks like i am having contractions. she said why didnt you ring me in the night, i told her i didnt know what it was. my eldest sister drove me to A&E, they kept me waiting there for at least 6 hours, the pain was unbareable. they took me to the cubicle and i started screaming and crying, the doctors and nurses would walk in and out and say "whats wrong with her why is she screaming" one doctor came and gave me morphine to ease the pain. i think i must have dozed off for about an hour, when i got up they said we are transferring you to the early pregnancy unit. we think you may be having a miscarriage. by now it was 7pm. i got a room on my own and all my family was called into hospital. the doctor checked me and said i was 4cm dilated. the words i dreaded. she told me i will miscarry but dont know when. it was 8pm and i asked my family to go home. my husband stayed with me. as soon as they left i had my last contraction, and at 8.25pm i gave birth to my gorgeous son hashim. they took him away. he was born asleep. i cried and cried, it was so painful to let him go just like that. and at about 10 or 11 pm we called for our baby. the nurse bought him in a tiny basket, with a white cotton shawl over him, he was lying on his side, hand on hand. i kissed his forehead. and said goodbye to him. i couldnt sleep all that night, i was up in my husbands arms just crying. kept asking him was it something i did or didnt do... the next day the undertaker came to take him away.. we had him buried... when he took him it felt as if someone had ripped my heart out. that was in october 2008. i have had another miscarrige in may 2009 i was 16 weeks then. i will tell my second story another day..... god bless us all.. ameen..

My son, Joel

I have wanted to be a mother my whole life. It took me forever to decide what to go to college for, since all I really wanted to do was be a mom. I ended up waiting a long time before I met a man that I wanted to marry, and he came with two children from a previous marriage, both already in school. I thought, well, at least I'll have stepkids if I can't get pregnant. (I have had some complications that made it uncertain whether I could conceive).

Just three months after starting to try, my husband and I conceived. We were both ecstatic! He had always wanted more children, and I've already established how desperate I was for a baby of my own.

I kept a journal for the baby, and I followed diet and exercise suggestions religiously. I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I went to all of my doctor's appointments, and my wonderful husband was by my side for every single one.

At 22 weeks, we went in for a routine ultrasound. A friend of mine was operating the equipment, but she had assured me that she wouldn't talk much during the exam, so I didn't think anything of it when she got really quiet. My mom came along to see the baby, and the three of us were so excited watching the baby suck it's thumb on the monitor that it was a shock when my doctor walked in.

She is very blunt and to the point, which is part of the reason I liked her so much. I found, though, that it was NOT what I needed when there was a problem. She said, "We see some things that aren't normal, and we need to send you to a specialist. I've already made the appointment for you." Other than telling us that the baby had some fluid in its body, she would not say anything else, which was infuriating. We had to wait three days before we could see the specialist. I will always wonder if it was those three days that led to my son's death.

At the specialist's office, the doctor reported that our baby had hydrops, which is over 80% fatal. He hoped that it was a treatable form, but to find out, he had to do an immediate amnio, take a biopsy, and drain the fluid from off of our baby's heart. It was terrifying when I saw him also stick the needle directly into my baby's beating heart to draw a blood sample (we found out later that was the only way he was going to get one, as my baby's veins and arteries, etc. were too weak to get blood from). Our baby was experiencing heart failure, he said. There was nothing we could do.

I stopped feeling the baby move later that night. The next morning, an ultrasound confirmed that our baby had died, and I was induced to deliver later that day. It was horrible. I had to force myself to believe that the baby would be born alive in order to push. I just couldn't stand the thought of pushing and having only a dead baby as a result.

Of course, when he came out, he didn't cry. I did, though. It was over much too quickly. We had a son, and we decided to name him Joel Thomas. We were able to hold him, but not for nearly long enough.

We learned later that there were no chromosomal or genetic defects, no viruses, and no other apparent cause of death. We are baffled. I created the best possible environment for him, and if it wasn't any of those other things, what killed our baby????

I am deailng right now with the pain of having my husband's other two children around me. Being a stepmom is not nearly as rewarding as I had hoped it would be, and I'm left wondering if I can even continue to do it if I'm never able to have my own children. None of the books I have found talk about what it is like to be a stepparent who has lost her own child, so I am desperately seeking out anyone else who is in the same situation. I am confused by my feelings towards my husband's children and wondering how they can possibly be compatible with the warmth and love I felt when I was about to be a mother myself.

I feel like I lost part of myself, and some days, it is hard to even want to live. I had left my job to stay home with our baby, and now I feel like I have no direction and no purpose in my life. What am I supposed to do?

Miscarriage 2nd pregnancy

I got pregnant with my daughter, Piper in June 2007. This was my first pregnancy and everything had went perfect. I didn't have any problems and I also had a natural vaginal birth with no meds. I recently found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I went in for the ultrasound and they couldn't find the heart beat but they could see the baby and the sac. Two hours after I had gotten the vaginal probe ultrasound I began spot which I confirmed with the ER that spotting after that was normal and they told me to monitor it because if I started bleeding I needed to come on in.Well 6am the very next morning I woke to go to the bathroom and a big surprise came out. It was like I was having a light period. I called my doctors office at 8am and they had me come right in. When the doctor did the ultrasound he couldn't see the baby and the sac had dropped and also looked flatter. He told me I had 3 options which included D&C, a pill to help pass everything, or I could go home and pass it natural. I chose to pass it natural. My doctor prescribed me some pain medication and told me that it could be very painful. I cried the whole way home. I sat at home for a little while alone then went and got my 17mth old daughter. I don't understand why I just know this has been very hard and just depressing. I took a couple pictures on my cell phone for my boyfriend because when I passed it you could see this tiny grape size flesh colored baby. It was very tiny and hadn't formed much but you could make out the facial features. I try not to think about it but everytime I see a newborn or ppl start talking about being pregnant or having a baby I just bust out in tears. My 2nd pregnancy was a surprise but nothing that I regret. I do not smoke or drink and I'm a healthy person. I still have my ultrasound pictures and I have the pictures on my phone. I miscarried early but I still had become very attached. Many people new I was pregnant and everytime they see me they ask how the pregnancy is going and I again just start crying and say I had a miscarriage. I never knew how hard this could be until it happened to me. I have always strongly disagreed with abortions and now more than ever I am against abortions. These woman that want to have abortions are killing healthy babies and woman who loose their babies by miscarriage of natural causes grieve everyday for their lose. They always say you never know what you had to you loose it. I have a beautiful daughter from my first pregnancy who I have been grateful for from the beginning but I am truly sorry for any woman who has endured a miscarriage. You all have my blessings. And even though everyone tells you that you aren't alone I know you still feel like you are the only one suffering. Good luck

Vicky

still in pain

Hello I just wanted to write to say that I was pregnant with my fourth baby andd everything was going good I went to go camping. I went to the doctor on the 15th and he said everything looked good then on the 16th I started to spot and so I went to the er and they done test and said that everything was ok just that I was early so they sent me back home. Then on the 17th I starte bleeding alot more and so I just stayed in bed for theday then about 2 I stared haurting really bad. and on the 20th I had to go back to the docotr for a ultrasound and they didn't see anything at all. I had blood work done and today I called them and they said that I lost the babay they don't know why or anything. I was wanting this baby as I did all my other ones. I have been so upset all day long and can't get up to do anything. I just feel like a part of me is gone for good. I geuss I will see it when I get to go to heaven
good luck to everyone

Melissa