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Tadpole

My husband and I decided before we ever got pregnant that we were going to call our baby Tadpole until we figured out it's sex. We got pregnant on our first try in May, but lost the baby at 5 weeks. My HCG level was so high that I had 3 positive pregnancy tests at a little over 3 weeks.

After the first positive test, my giant ex-semi-pro football player husband turned into mush. He started buying books, researching the internet, and changing our diet. The most endearing thing he did was talking to our Tadpole, even though he was well aware she couldn't hear him. I say she, because unlike most men, he wanted the Tadpole to be a girl.

Every morning he'd kiss my tummy and want me to lay in bed just a little longer so he could talk to the Tadpole. All day he'd email and call, just to let the Tadpole know that her Daddy was thinking about her. Every night before we went to bed he read to her because he'd decided that she needed bed time stories.

When we found out that we lost her, the worst part was telling everyone he'd told about our Tadpole. He was so excited that he not only told his whole family and part of mine, but strangers we met in stores and or restaurants. He even told the people at the corner gas station.

I've never loved him more than the day we lost our Tadpole. He was devastated the day we found out, but he downplayed it because he knew how crushed I was. He never left my side or tried to stop my tears. He didn't make me try and rationalize my feelings. He just let me be.

Although I have my reservations about trying again, he can't stop telling everyone that we're still trying. It's embarrassing, but I love him. Besides, I can't not keep trying because I have such a wonderful husband and I don't want it to end with him.

We will never know what our Tadpole would have looked like or what she would have grown up to be, but we will never forget the way she made us feel.


Mona

Is Timing Everything?

After trying to conceive for a long year and 6 months, I finally got the results I had longed to see. I was pregnant! My 6-year anniversary fell on May 26-07. I confirmed I was pregnant with 2 positive home pregnancy tests. As the perfect anniversary gift for my husband, I had decided to reveal this joyous information to him in a memorable card. I had mentioned that 6 years from now (our 12 year anniversary) our child would be 6! It couldn’t have happened at a better time. Things were all falling in place with work, and timing couldn’t have been any better.

We decided to reveal the information to my in laws, who have waited a long 6 years for this, on my father in laws birthday, which would have put me at 8 weeks pregnant (one month before I wanted to) but the timing was perfect. I purchased a stroller and had wrapped it up for him. I had indicated on the card that it was a way for him to get some exercise (I always harass him about that since he quit soccer). He opened the gift with the rest of the family around...it was the perfect moment for all of us. I had adhered a note to the stroller it had said " see all of you in January” Love Baby X. Tears flowed uncontrollably.

That evening my husband drove home and we had been recalling all of the details of the perfect evening of dinner at the in-laws! That night (June 11-07) I was starting to experience the worst cramps ever. I went to the hospital and I was seen in the ER with a vag bleed. The doctor took blood, and indicated, "It didn’t look good at all". I was then scheduled for an ultrasound in the morning when it opened. I regretfully went. As it turned out, I was 12 weeks pregnant and not 8, and that the baby was not progressing as it should have been. Right there while in the ultrasound, my body had rid itself of the fetus and associated tissue. Not only was it probably the most embarrassing moment I have ever had, it could not have been now the worse timing. As I was fully aware now the baby was gone.

I went home and rid my magazine holder of all of the pregnancy magazines I had excitedly purchased. Later that day I informed my father in law he could put the stroller away.

2 days had passed and was informed by a friend of mine (who happened to marry on the same day as I did this year) she had been pregnant. We had the exact same due dates. I was felt overwhelmed with all of the coincidental timings this one event had incurred. Soon after that a friend of mine who has been married for over 10 years and had agreed with her husband they were never going to have kids, revealed to me that they are expecting...when??? January as well. As it turns out, some time has passed now.

I will never forget the memories, however, am ready to try to conceive once again during my upcoming trip in Cuba!!! As I try to remember, everything happens for a reason, maybe one day we will know that reason. In the meantime, what doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger...

Christy

My 2 Angels

I had a stillbirth at 27 weeks (girl) Feb 06 (eclampsia). I named my daughter Kennedy. Then I had another loss at 14 weeks due to trisomy 18 in Oct 06. I did find out I was having a little boy. I was so devastated.

Ever since, my cycles have been irregular and I haven't been able to conceive. I feel my body has failed me and my babies.

Tracy

Heartbroken

The first time I tried to conceive I did. I found out I was pregnant on May 26, 07. I was so happy and I told everyone. My boyfriend was so happy. On June 6th I started spotting so I went to the hospital the next day I found out every thing was OK and that I was having implantation bleeding.

I went for my first apt on June 8th and the doctor said every thing was fine my cervix was closed and there was no bleeding. He wanted me to do an ultrasound at 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat he said I had a blighted ovum but he wanted to do a follow up ultra sound at 8 weeks there was still no heart beat so I had to do D&C on 6/29. The worst part is that I could not fall asleep during the general anesthesia so I felt everything and heard every thing then I got to see the tiny fetus.

I am so unhappy, but my boyfriend is so supportive and we both want to try again right away. The doctor says I should try right away. The people I work with are supportive; at first I felt ashamed that I lost the baby but they are really supportive. My family all makes a joke of it but they are very supportive as well. My dad told my boyfriend it was his fault that his sperm was not strong enough; he laughed and said that he begged to differ - he got me pregnant in one shot.

My sisters both had miscarriages with their first pregnancy so they are very encouraging. My family is very supportive and they can't wait for the baby of the family to have a baby.

I just want to tell you that laughter helps; you might feel like crying but remember that God has a plan in store and he never gives you more than you can handle.

Gay

Our loss

I was 18 and pregnant. It wasn't planned but me and Paul (my boyfriend of 2 yrs) knew that we would keep him no matter what.

I booked my appointment to see my doctor; he told me my due date was 11th of July. The thought of being a mother filled me with pride! I was 8 weeks pregnant and I felt like the luckiest person alive!

Me and Paul had started to tell people and everyone was getting excited apart from one person. My best friend. Have an abortion Leah! That’s all I can remember her repeating. She cried and cried and it seemed that our friendship wasn't as strong as I once thought.

I should have known things weren't ok as when I went in to our little town hospital they tried to find a heartbeat, (I was 11 weeks) she couldn't find the heartbeat and she looked really worried and said to me not to worry!!! It was too early to find a heartbeat she told me. I believed her.

The day of my 12-week scan. I was so nervous!! I hate hospitals but me and Paul sat there in the waiting room with other happy couples and I couldn't wait to see my little baby!!! As I walked in the lady was so nice to me, I saw the image on the screen I was so happy! The lady asked you sure your 12 weeks? I looked at the image of my baby, he was too small for 12 weeks but I’ve had no bleeding? All I remember hearing was you've had a miscarriage but your body hasn't realized it yet.

I walked out and it felt like everyone was looking at me. Me and Paul sat in the car to upset to phone anyone, I just texted them. I went home and I cried and hugged my tummy with my baby inside and I said I’ll look after you till your ready to go.

As for my best friend she came round the house me and Paul just moved into wanting to say all the right things but how? I couldn't believe anything because I fought against her to show how much I loved my baby and that I was determined not to have an abortion.

I’m 19 now and me and Paul are engaged and will be getting married when I’m 21. We have a two-bedroom house together. I’m now 5 weeks pregnant and feel blessed at my second chance of being a mother.

For ages I have wanted to put my story out here for other women to read and no matter what your story is I hope it helps in some way.

Leah