Post your Story

Ashley

I am 11 weeks pregnant then when we got an ultrasound we are excited to see the baby this was my 2nd child my husband and i were very excited untill we heard from the doctor that the baby grows only 9weeks and no heartbeat at all. I am only 23 years old I can't imagine my self loosing a baby in fact we already named the fetus Ashley rose if the baby becomes a girl coz our 1st was a boy. I had my d&c last Tuesday and I am still bleeding right now I am only praying to god that one day I will see my little angel again and we are lookingnforward on my third pregnancy. Ashley where ever you are
I know you are
With Jesus now remember that we love
You so much mum loves you so much see you in eternity

cherry

Our Angel "Mayah Avonlee"

When reading stories from others, you realize how sad it is that you are NOT alone in sharing the same pain. Some say that having someone who understands is comforting, and don't get me wrong, it is---- but how sad that sooo many parents have the same kind of grief.
I am 30 years old, have 2 healthy sons (14 and 8yrs old) from previous relationships. My husband and I have been together for 3 years. He has no previous children, so I was an instant family to him. Being any kind of dad was all new to him. He has done a wonderful job. We have always discussed from day one of having more children together. His eyes light up so much at the thought of having a child. I cleaned up my act and quit smoking, started taking folic acid and prenatal vitamins to get my body ready. Went for my yearly GYN checkup and scheduled to have my IUD removed.
I found out we were pregnant in 12/08. What a wonderful Christmas surprise it was for my husband. I took a urine and blood pregnancy test-- just to be sure. I wrapped the results up in a gift and videotaped his reaction. We both cried because we were so happy. My husband is the baby of 3 children in his family. He is a momma's boy. Which is fine with me, b/c his mom and I get along great. We told his parents about our news by buying a grandparents pictureframe and writing the words on a paper "Your baby is having a baby" and placed it in the picture window. We wrapped it up and had them open the gift privately with just the 4 of us in the room. They were also so happy that they were crying from happiness. My husband's extended family is quite large. Lots of aunts, uncles, cousins--- we recieved calls for the next 3 days of everyone being so happy for us. They new how much this means to us.
I went to all of my scheduled checkups. Went through all the routine bloodowork. Ate all the good foods. Everything was normal. I've had 2 completely normal pregnancies. Why wouldn't it be? Right? I haven't mentioned that I work in a Family Practice doctor's office. I am the office manager. I float all over the office, all day long, helping anyone who needs to catch up. We have an ultrasound technician that visits our office twice a week. How convienient, I thought. I had her do an ultrasound weekly starting at 13 weeks to see if we can tell the sex of the baby. I have two boys, I wanted a girl so bad. But more importantly a healthy baby. I just knew in my heart that it was a girl, but we had to prove that to daddy. He was looking for a boy, (but most guys are) I video taped every ultrasound. My husband carried around every picture like she was already born. I felt her moving for the first time at 15 weeks! Early I know, but I was so excited. My best friend had just had her baby the first week of March 09. A very healthy baby boy 8lbs 9oz. This made me more anxious for my baby girl. On March 19, 2009 I had a scheduled ultrasound with my doctor to do a routine echocardiogram and to check gestation. Working in the medical field, I know this is all routine. Everything was totally normal, and we had pictures now confirming a baby girl! We already had a name for her-- Mayah Avonlee Solares. On Monday I went to work and started to contract a cold that 3 other staff members had. But I didn't want to take any medications right away b/c I was pregnant. By Thursday I was looking up the safe medications to take while you are pregnant b/c the sinus infection was getting a little worse. I had our nurse check me over, and everything seemed fine.
I woke up Friday 3/27/09 with a fever around 4:30am. I knew that this was my infection peaking, and I needed to start on an antibiotic. I took some Tylenol to help with the fever, but it didn't help. It never does. I tried going back to sleep but it was difficult b/c I felt like I had the flu, body aches, temprature. I woke up a couple hours later with my normal routine. Wake up the kids, get them ready for school. My husband insisted I stay home from work to rest, and I agreed. When the office opened at 9am I called out and spoke to our nurse. I told her what was going on and she called in an antibiotic. She comforted me by saying this is normal for everyone else with this sinus infection. Take cool showers and baths to help bring down your temprature, and drink Gatorade so you won't get dehydrated, start taking the medicine I am calling in and you should feel better by tomorrow. All routine stuff. And so I did. My husband came to check on me during his lunch time and brought me some chicken soup. I tried to sleep but my lower back hurt so bad I couldn't get comfortable. This was something normal for me too. Anytime I get sick my back hurts, my family has back issues. Around 12:30 I got up to use the bathroom and thought I was so sick I was starting to loose some bladder control. I didn't realize that my water was leaking. I must have taken 3 cool showers before I felt like my temprature was coming down. I even called my mom in Kentucky. She works in case management at a hospital in Kentucky. Ironically she works on the OB/ Labor & Delivery floor. She will know what is going on. She urged me to go to the hospital NOW. I didn't really feel like it was worth all that, I've been sick before. And I was starting to feel better by that time. Around 4pm I got up to use the bathroom again, you know pregnant and drinking Gatorade didn't mix well. This time when I emptied my bladder I started bleeding and passed a clot. I knew immediately, this was BAD.
Frantically, I tried to call my husband who I knew was already off work. He was headed to his parents house five minutes away to take his nephew out to the movies. He was just home 10 minutes prior. Now I couldn't get him on the phone. It rang, and rang. I even tried to dial 911 from the toilet and my phone didn't work. I was in a panic, I called my older son who was home to come upstairs. If I had to I would drive myself to the ER. I had him continue to try to contact my husband while I got dressed. He actually reached him quickly when I gave him the phone. Told him to come now, we have to go to the hospital, I think I'm losing the baby!!
My husband knew when he came and saw me holding myself as if I was holding our baby inside that something was wrong. I was totally baffeled as to what it could be. We got to the hospital quickly, but that 10 minute drive seemed to take forever. The ER department wheeled me up to the OB floor right away. I was put in an observation room, next to the nursery. They used the microphone to listen to the heartbeat and found one at 140 beats per minute. What a relief I thought. They hooked me up to the monitor, and I started having contractions. Every contraction started to push out my water. I pleaded with the nurses to give me something to stop the contractions. It was too early for this to be happening. And I knew that if it didn't stop that my baby girl could not survive outside the womb this early. I was only 19 weeks and 3 days pregnant. An ultrasound technician came about 10 minutes later to check the baby. She was taking too long, wouldn't look at us, and I couldn't see the monitor. When she left she said "Good Luck". I knew that was bad news.
The doctor came in about 20 mins later. Not my regular doctor, someone on call I had never met before. She says to us-- I really hate that this is the way we meet for the first time. I drove around for 10 minutes before I came in here to find the words to give you this news. I'm sorry but your baby is dead. I know this is hard to hear, but it really is better this way. Your body is so badly infected that even if she was still alive right now we would still induce your labor because she wouldn't survive. It will be easier to deliver a stillborn than to deliver a live baby that you would have to watch die. We don't know why you are infected and we are running cultures on everything, your blood, urine, and aminotic fluid. We will also run tests on the baby and your placenta to try and figure out what is going on.
Through all this I am still having hard contractions, with no pain medicine because they want me to be of sound mind while they ask me so many questions. My husband had freaked out and left the room for a few minutes to find his parents. I understood why he left. I felt so guilty as if I had done something to rob him of his first chance of being a dad. He came back a couple of minutes later. He had to get himself together so he could be there for me he tells me later. He thought the doctor was joking and how could she be so cruel? When he came to terms with it he just kept telling me to stop saying I was sorry, we have done everything we could, we would get through this together, and everything happens for a reason. I haven't realized how much I love him till this.
After 5 hours of natural labor I delivered a stillborn baby girl. I was crying and pushing at the same time. I still had to have a whole bag of pitocin because my placenta would not seperate from my uterus. Still contractions after this?!?! We held our baby girl for about 2 hours. My mother-in-law and father-in-law were there to share this.She was so beautiful. She looked so perfect. 10 toes, 10 fingers, toenails, fingernails, 8.6 oz and 9 1/4 long. She looked just like her dad. I had a camera in my purse and we took pictures of her. We sent them off to be painted so it would clean the picture up some. It is beautiful.
We had a funeral 3/31/09 for her. Many family and friends came to help us through it. My mom even drove down from Kentucky on Sunday and drove back home after the funeral. I don't think I could have gotten through it without her and my husband.
I keep hearing: time will help, God does everything for a reason, she is with God now and he is taking care of her, we will see her again some day, bad things happen to good people sometimes, you will have more children. I know people are trying to help, and I appreciate it, but I am just tired, and I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoster some days. I miss the kicking within me, and the heartburn, and the nausea, and getting fatter, and only sleeping on my side with 5 pillows surrounding me. I know we will try again, but nothing will ever replace my Mayah Avonlee.
Please know Mayah that Mommy and Daddy have always, and will always love you. You will always be with us, your picture hangs on our wall and your image is forever etched in my dreams. I'm so so sorry that Mommy didn't or couldn't do more to help save you. Why didn't I know? We WILL see you again one day. Watch over us while you are in heaven, and know that you are always cherished and missed.

Lisa

Loss of Innocence

I thought my 12 week check up was going to be routine. I had seen my baby on the ultrasound only 1 and 1/2 weeks before. The heartbeat was strong and the fetus was very active.
When the doctor put the dopple to my belly she heard only noise from the placenta, no heartbeat... She then sent us to have a ultrasound to make sure things were okay. My heart was racing when I saw the very still fetus and I could tell there was no heartbeat on the monitor.
I can still see the US technicians face when she said I am sorry there is no activity. The next few hours were a blur, from talking to OB staff etc. as to what was next. I had to wait until the following day to have a D and C done. It was probably the longest day and night of my life.
I keep telling myself, it was probably for the best, but my heart still feels as if we were robbed of our precious child. I never had any symptoms to tell me anything was wrong, my body believed right down until the time of the procedure, that my baby was still thriving inside of my belly.
People are kind and they try to console you, but the only consolation is TIME. Eventually, I think we may try again, but for now I need time to grieve...

TIna

my little angel

i was 26 and it was a pefect surprise when i g0t to know that i was pregnant.... i repeated the test twice.... i was very happy coz i thought this is a new beginning in the relationship with my husband (our marriage was in trouble, we were fighting all the time)..... he took the news better than i expected and we bagan our jouney of long nine months... it was great .... i enjoyed every moment of it... he was also ok.... but in the 37th week my baby girl stopped moving ... we rushed to the hospital at 5 in the morning and the doctors confirmed of my baby's demise.... i was heartbroken..... i was actually still hoping that the doctors may be wrong... they started induciong labour .... it took them three days to bring my baby out (23rd nov 2008)..... i half expected the baby to cry .... but there was only silence.... my husband could not take that and he left me 13 days after the delivery...

i mourn my baby's loss every moment of every day... may god bless her .... and give me the courage to carry on with my life

i will always love her... always ... always

gem

My Loss

Hi, my name is Nelly. I recently suffered the loss of my little girl, and I just wanted to share my story.... 2008 wasn't the best year for me, it wasn't the worst either. I lost my job at the end of July and was kind of down, but, I have a son that wasn't quite 1 years old yet at the time so me and my husband decided i should try the stay at home mom thing. And I did, and I loved it, I got to spend such much more time with my son, I couldn't be happier. But around Sept I noticed something just wasn't right with me. I had become very fatigued and was eating way more than usual, I thought it was just from me being in the house all the time. so one day I was on my way to my mother in laws house and just out of nowhere decided to stop and buy a pregnancy test, noone was at my mother in laws house so I took the test there..it was positive, I was pregnant again. I was shocked, I didn't really expect for the test to be positive. I called my usband and told him the news, he wasn't excited, but, he wasn't mad either. We both were kind of in shock, we had a son who was about to turn 1 yrs old in a month, and here I was pregnant again. This was not planned at all, and seeing that I had just lost my job we didn't know what we were going to do. I went to the clinic just to have them confirm everything, and they did. So we decided to just roll with the punches after about 2 months of me denying to myself I was pregnant. Slowly but surely I started getting excited about having another baby, I wanted a girl so bad!!! I went to the doctors in Jan to find out the sex and they told me i was having a boy. I was disappointed it wasn't a girl, but,happy he was healthy...or so we thought. Feb '08 I'm now 6 months pregnant, and I had been very sick, I was vomitting up everything, I couldn't even keep water down. So one day I was really sick and decided to drive myself to the ER. They checked me in and immediately started an iv, b/c I was so dehydrated. They went to monitor the baby's heartbeat and at first they couldn't find it. Eventually they did, and even though it was a strong heartbeat they decided to keep me over night due to the dehydration and throwing up, they scheduled me for a sonogram the next day b/c they wanted to make sure the baby hadn't gotten the cord wrapped around his neck due to me throwing up so much. I thought to myself,well he has a strong heartbeat so nothing could be wrong right...WRONG...the next day when I went for my sonogram i should have known right away there was something wrong. The tech was taking too many ultrasound pictures, ofcourse she couldn't tell me anything, so she left the room to go discuss my ultrasound with the doctor. About 30 minutes later, the doctor walked in and sat down next to me, and said the one thing no mother ever wants to hear..he told me my child was seriously sick and severe health problems and wouldn't make it. He told me my son was growth restricted and had extra fluid under his skin, around his heart, brain, kidneys, had an enlarged liver and a heart problem. My whole world came crashing down at that very moment, mind you I'm at the hospital by myself getting this news. I couldn't speak, I couldn't do anything but cry as the nurse wheeled me back to my room. I cried so much, my heart hurt so bad, and by the time I had gotten back to my room all the nurse seem to have heard I was going to lose my baby, b/c they all were apologizing and offering words of encouragement. The on call doctor decided to discharge me that night since I was feeling better adn wasn't dehydrated anymore. They gave me the name of this really good specialist who only deals with high risk pregnancy, and told me to call him and set up an appt for the next day. Well I did and I went to see him, after he did any ultrasound he said my son had sever hydrops, which caused all the extra fluid, but, they didn't know why he had stopped growing. The doctor said he didn't think my son would survive outside the womb, he didn't even think he would make it much longer as a matter of fact. So he suggested an amniocentesis test and an autopsy when the baby did pass away. So I had the test done..everything was normal!! They still couldn't figure out what caused this. I went home with the knowledge my baby could die any day. March rolls around, i'm going on 7 months and everything the doctors told me hasn't comet true!! My son was doing fine,he had a really strong good heartbeat, and he was so active. Then one day, Mar.17, 2009 to be exact I didn't feel my baby moving, but he was sitting so low, I thought everything was fine, but, as I was talk to areally good friend of mine who was at my house at the time, I got more and more anxious b/c I hadn't felt the baby. So after a few hours of debating I decided to go to the ER. I had my son and my husband was at work so my friend took me so she could look after my son for me. I was so sure we'd be out of the hospital in an hour or so, I was not expecting there to be anything wrong. They tried to find my son's heartbeat but couldn't, but since by this time they knew who I was at the ER and they knew my baby was kind of hard to monitor b/c he moved around so much and b/c of the way he was positioned. But after 20 minutes they decided to do a sonogram to see if they could see his heartbeat...they couldn't, they did 2 more sonograms before they finally confirmed that my son was already dead. I was in shock again..I couldn't cry, scream, do anything, it was like a bad dream. While they were checking me I called my son's godfather who also works with my husband and asked him to tell my husband what was going on and that he needed to come to the hospital. And he was there in 30 minutes. He looked so tired and beat,(he works for GM on the assembly line) and then I had to tell him they were going to induce me b/c our baby was dead. That was so hard, i finally cried when I told him that. I've never seen him so hurt before, it was so hard. They started giving the meds to induce my labor at midnight and gave it to me every 4 hrs, and at 630 the next evening I had my child. We held the baby, "he" was so tiny, but you coulld tell where the extra fluid had built up under the baby's skin. They took my baby away after a little bit to do an autopsy, and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the next day as I'm getting ready to be discharged from the hospital, they bring me a memory box that they have made at the hospital for me. I open it and the very first thing i see is a card with the baby's info on it. And the first line read "BARBER, BABYGIRL" I was so crushed, me and my husband, this whole time we thought I was having a boy and I was actually having a girl, and when I had the baby, she was so undeveloped that we couldn't tell the sex, we thought it was a boy still. That just seemed to break my heart even more. We named her ESSENCE MARIE, she was born March 18, 2009. 13.2 oz and 9 1/4 in. long.
So we decided to haev her cremated and were going to keep her at home with us, it has been a week since i had her, and I am still in shock, sometimes I blame myslef, how could this happen, especially to me. I'm so distraught at times I don't know if I'll ever get pregnant again..it won't be anytime soon I know that. Tomorrow we go view Essence's body one more time at the funeral home, then they are going to cremate her. It is so hard, but,I know everything happens for a reason and God knows best. I don't know why He took my child away but, I know and believe He has a good reason for doing it, and right about now knowing that she is with Him ia the only thing bringing me any kind of comfort right now.

Essence mommie loves you and I'm so sorry I diidn't get the chance to know you or hold you, or sing to you, but, just know we will be together again. We will always love, cherish, and miss you! Love- Mommie, Daddie, & Braylen

Shanelle