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R.I.P little Angel

Hi my name is Alexandria and i want to share my story with you as i havent really spoken about it as its so painful..

My partner and i found out i was 7 weeks pregnant in November 2008, we were so so scared as we had only just bought our first house and it needed so much work doing to it, the first two weeks after finding out were hard i was so so frightened, was i going to be a good mum did we have enough money etc...
After the first few weeks i really started to enjoy my pregnancy my tummy started to grow really really quickly, i bloomed.....

On Christmas day i was given a doppler to listen to my babys heart, it was so so strong i started crying i was so in love and attached to my unborn baby it is hard to discribe.... i was so happy ....

Just after christmas 30th December 2008 i felt differently i felt empty i used to know where my baby was sitting in my tummy as i could feel a little pressure, but this day was different i didnt feel sick even though i was never sick i just felt it... and i felt so so empty...

I went to loo and there was brown spotting, i didnt know what it was as it wasnt blood but to be on the safe side i called the early pregnancy unit and they asked me to come to hospital so they can monitor me ... i was in for a few hours when they said i will have to return tomorrow as there were no scan machines available...
We returned to the hospital and had a scan the doctor said there was a baby but he couldnt see the heart beat, i was deverstated i was told to go home for one week and come back to see if the baby is still growing as it might be to early to detect the heart, but i knew i had lost my baby because i had hurd my babys heart and i felt there was a hole in mine..

After a week i went back to the hospital and it was confirmed i had lost my baby and my body still thinks its pregnant its called a missed miscarage, i was told i would have to have my baby as i didnt want a D&C, i took my first two tablets on Wednesday the week after new year 2009 and went into labour i was in labour for 3 days it was so so so painful, i didnt have any pain medication as i wanted to feel every moment of it, on the friday i went back into hospital onto the maturnity ward to have my baby i took 4 more tablets and my contractions were every 4 minutes it was hard i cried with every contraction and i pushed my little boy into the world on the 9th January 2009 12:10 pm... i was in total shock my partner didnt know what to say nor did my mum. My mum was so supportive i love them both for being there....
After a hour i was told i could leave i didnt want to leave my baby but i had too, my baby was born sleeping on the 9th January 2009 (Angel)...

In the end my baby was cremated a day before my 24th Birthday i really do miss him and i wish i could of been given a chance...

My partner and i would love to try for a baby again but i dont what to go through the heartach i have just been through, it is still really hard and i miss him every day sweet dreams my little Angel sweet dreams

love Alexandria xxxxxxxx

Alexandria

My Angel

sorry about it being so long... i just really wanted to tell this in detail because i guess i have to get it out.

A had always wanted to be pregnant. She was always fascinated from it. Many children get to see their mothers pregnant when they have little brothers or sisters. But A was the youngest, and never got to see any family member pregnant. When she was a child she used to fill huge water balloons up with water and strap them to her belly with shirts and put a big t-shirt on and waddle around the house like she was pregnant. Look at herself in the mirror. She loved it. She would sit down on the couch slowly and tiredly, playing her part as the pregnant 9 year old while she watched old movies like the Poltergeist. When she was with Blue, she knew she wanted to have his baby. She secretly tried to get herself pregnant with his baby. She pressured him to stay in and not pull out. He wasn't quite ready for a baby, he said. But finally, after much pressure on A's side, he just gave up. She had been reading books about conception and pregnancy. It was August, A was 17, Blue 20. Many times had A missed periods and thought she was pregnant but she really wasn't. It was August 31st, and she was a few weeks late. She bought a pregnancy test. Peed on the strip, brought it to Blue. She waited the 2 minutes and there were 2 lines, clearly she was pregnant. She was ecstatically happy. Blue was freaked out and happy. She started having terrible morning sickness. A few weeks before A found out she was pregnant, Babs had found out she was pregnant also. Both A and Babs were having extreme bouts of pain. Babs was about 16 weeks pregnant, and A was about 9. They were cramps. They thought this was normal, because both of them were having them. They were so painful, they brought them both to tears and on the floor cringing with gritted teeth. Little did either of them know, this was nowhere near normal. A and Blue decided it would be best for the baby and would make their parents more comfortable if they were to get married. So, they had quite the untraditional wedding, held by a justice of the peace at A's parents house. A bought a beautiful white dress that came to the knees and flattered her tiny little bump of a belly. The weeks passed, and Babs went to the doctor. She came to school afterwards and said the doctor had called and said there was something he didn't like about her ultrasounds and wanted her to come back in for an appointment. Well at school a day or so later, the doctor called the school and told her to come in immediately. She went in and found out her baby was a little girl, who had a rare neural birth defect called anencephaly, where parts of the brain and skull of the fetus do not develop and are missing; anencephalic babies do not survive longer than minutes out of the womb. She would have to abort the pregnancy. Babs was devastated. She had wanted the little girl more than anything. A went to visit Babs when she told her, Babs was crying laying in bed. A felt terrible... especially since she was pregnant. About 3 weeks later A went to the doctor for her first prenatal visit. She was incredibly excited and nervous. The doctor first put a dopplar sound system to her belly, and said he couldn't find a heartbeat, but that was normal at 12 weeks. So he brought her to a room, where she layed on the table while he preformed an ultrasound on her. She saw the tiny little developing baby, whom she had named Angel. It was curled up to her, back facing the world. A smiled. The obstetrician quietly said, "I can't find a heartbeat. My machines are old... and sometimes they don't pick up this early..." He wanted her to go down to the hospital and get another ultrasound on their newer, more updated ultrasound machines. He explained that this may just be a technicality, but that in his experience, it was not good news. He explained what would happen if the baby did in fact not have a heartbeat, so she would be prepared beforehand. She nervously and tensely walked to the hospital and checked in to have it done. When she laid down, her heart was beating out of her chest. She was sad. The ultrasound technician spent about 30 minutes moving the cold round knob around on A's belly, while click clack click clacking on her keyboard. She would not let A see. After she told A she was done, A asked if everything was alright. The ultrasound technician said she didn't have the authority to tell her, that she would have to get permission from the OB. A was sitting in the waiting room when she finally came up and said she had talked to the doctor and he said it was alright to tell her. "Well, I couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby is not alive... I'm sorry. Your doctor said he explained to you everything? Are you alright?" A just grunted and left while her mother thanked the ultrasound technician. Her mother just kept saying "That just really sucks... it's a terrible thing. Things like this just happen... It's terrible, terrible." A did not cry. She did not cry on the way to the car, she did not cry on the way home. She felt empty and angry. Blue was fishing with his friend when she got home. She sprawled out on her bed, put her head on the pillows, and cried her heart out. When Blue got home, he came in the door and sat on the bed. "Well? How'd it go?" he asked. A looked at him with her face red and puffed, tears in her eyes. "We're not having a baby."she said. "What?? What do you mean?" asked Blue. "He couldn't find a heartbeat. He said the baby must have died when I was 2 or 3 weeks ago." she replied. Blue cried with her and hugged her though she didn't want to be hugged. All her life she had dealt with the worst kinds of grief alone. After Blue's friend left, he came back in and kept saying, "How could this happen?" And A answered she didn't know. She didn't go to school anymore. She said right then and there she didn't want to ever go back again. She hated school to begin with and she just didn't want to deal with people and have to explain the situation to them who already all knew she was pregnant and would ask questions. It would be too painful. It was Tuesday. The doctor called the next morning and scheduled a D&C for Monday morning, which is when they clean the baby and everything that goes with it, out of the uterus. A called Babs and told her. Babs said "A, I'm so sorry." On Saturday night, A and Blue went to Babs's house and drank hypnotiq and hennessy to make Babs and A feel better. Nothing could make the emptiness go away. Babs wanted A to spend the night with her, but A said she just wanted to go home. She just felt like going home, and didn't want to stay out that night. The next morning, it was 8:45, Sunday, October 10th. A woke up in her bed beside Blue with terribly agonizing pain. It got so bad it woke her up. She went to take a naproxen and laid back down. A few minutes later, she felt a snap. Like something breaking, in her belly. It is hard to explain what that felt like. A "POP!" Similar to a knuckle cracking but different. Then she felt it. Something wet was pouring between her legs. She ran to the toilet. Blood splattered on the floor. It started pouring in the toilet like a water faucet. A was scared and crying. She called to Blue and told him to come here it was an emergency. Blue, who was always grouchy when he slept, woke up and didn't know what was going on. He didn't know what was happening, and thought she was making a big deal out of something small. He complained about her waking him up and said "Well? I don't know what you want me to do!" Blue went back to bed, leaving A crying harder. A few minutes later, after cups and cups of blood had spilled, she felt something. She knew it was coming. Something was about to come. She knew in the back of her mind what it was. All of a sudden as quickly as she felt the sensation, she felt a huge sack about the size of a cantalope fall into the toilet. A froze. She knew what it was. She sat there crying "No... no!" for a few minutes until she realized she had to do something. Should she look? Or should she just flush the toilet? She had to look. A part of her mind could not just let go of Angel that easily. She looked, but saw nothing but a deep crimson sack. She gritted her teeth, and flushed the toilet. The bleeding was getting worse and still had not ceased. She was starting to be in a lot of extreme pain and she was starting to feel sick. She had to get up and out of the bathroom. She pulled on her clothes and put a pad on and woke Blue up again to tell him to go get her mother so she could take her to the hospital (Her parents lived next door). Blue complained, and A got sick and felt like she was going to pass out. She fell to the floor, and had to crawl to the front door to throw up beside the porch. She started to feel extremely cold and faint. She had lost a lot of blood. Finally Blue got back and her mother was on her way to pick her up. She went to the hospital telling her mother every minute to hurry up. She kept feeling like she was passing out. Finally they reached the hospital, and they hooked her up to an IV, gave her glucose and some kind of derivative from opium and something to help the bleeding. She was sent home a few hours later with some promethazines . The nurse was really helpful and wheeled her to her car in a wheelchair, telling her how sorry she was. A thanked her and they went home. She stopped at a gas station to eat a slice of pizza. She felt considerably better now, and was glad to have something on her stomach. The next few days were a blur, A took her medicines which just put her to sleep. She thought that was probably the reason they had given her those particular pills. Because they would put her to sleep so she wouldn't have to deal with the mental agony. So she could just sleep and sleep. Forget the world, because that was the last of Angel.

Sharon

My bestfriend's POV on he pregnancy loss :[

My name is Hailey, My boyfriends name was Mark, I loved him so much, with all my heart, but I had a little tiny crush on the school quarterback, and happens to be Mark's brother, Eric. I knew Eric, he knew me, and when Mark when out to get popcorn at a far store, me and Eric had sex. It was amazing. Its like Eric did it before, tho he said it was his first time, and said he knew nothing about sex, never was curious when he was little. But then Mark got home. luckily, We changed quickly before Mark came in. Mark never had a clue we had sex, not a bit. He thought we were talking about school and homework. I was Erics tutor, so we could be talking about anything. But then I started to get sick. I missed 4 days of school once because of throwing up and fevers. When I was okay, my bestfriend Veronica asked me if I was pregnant, and who the father was. I could tell Veronica anything, but I was not pregnant, I told he that I slept with...Eric. Veronica was suprised and left in a flash. Was she going to tell?! no, she couldn't. She wasn't going to tell. heh, Veronica I think didn't like Mark. The next day was a Thursday, so I saw Mark and he walked up and kissed me. So she didn't. GOOD. But Veronica did walk up to me. She pulled out a Pregnancy test. "For the sake of you. Don't lie--I know you didn't use birth control or a condum...I can see it in your eyes." and then I rushed to the school bathroom and took it. Veronica was shout/whispering "Positive or Negitive?! Positive or Negitive?!!" She would keep saying...then...it came up Positive, How was I going to tell Mark?! Later I got the guts to atleast say it. Yeah yeah, it went threw where you go up and cry then they ask, you tell, they yell, then cry with you, then they hug you and say it'll all be okay. I told Mark next, and lied and said he was the father, cause we did do it. He kissed me, but then figured out he used a condum and he saw a Birth Control package in his bathroom. He found out Eric was the father later. Mark got made and told me if I wanted to be with him, I would have to give the baby up...so I did. I cried for almost 6 hours. I had a sin. Later, Mark broke up with me for a girl named Palma. He got her pregnant, and then he did the same thing to her. I cried and cried. How could Mark do this? but the thing is, if you give up your baby, know you did it for a reason. for your boyfriend or your parents, but know, its your chocie. remember that forever.

Hailey

x2 Miscarrages (13wk & 5wk)

Hi, I have just read through some of the other stories and I felt that I must share mine. My Name is Sarah I am 27. I had my first miscarriage in Aug 08. I only knew as I had gone for my 12/13 wk scan and when they scanned me they noticed that there was no heartbeat. My husband and I where gutted as you can imagine, we where taken into another room to discuss our options. I could not make any at that time. We later decided to have a D&C which happened the next day. At the time I was advised that my baby had died at 8wk3days which I found so hard to accept. but since I have been told that it may not have it could have just been ill and very small hence the late loss, which made me feel a bit better. That I had not carried him/her around for over 5wk dead. I made some thing positive come out of my loss I started my own business to keep me busy I named it after our baby George. www.georgieporgiekids.com Which makes me remember our little one every day but in a good way. We also bought a rooted xmas tree which we will plant on the 4th March 09 baby's due date! every xmas we will put lites on to it to make it shine.
In Feb 09 i found out I was preg again we where over the moon, but only 5 days later I started to bleed. As you can imagine it was a nightmare. It was confirmed 3 days later that we had lost the baby. So now 22 Feb 09 I have been looking into WHY?? but the real reason is their is no blame and what we should be thankful for it the miracle of life as to be honest it is a miracle that any baby is born as its such a complicated processes for the egg and the sperm to go through.
I feel very lucky as I have had x lovely children before and i am sure we will have another one in time.
But please don't ever blame yourself as it will not have been your fault it really is natures way of ending a non perfect pregnancy.
x Love to you all as it really is a horrible time and all I can tell you is that the pain your feeling will lift and you will feel better one day x
Try to do nice thing so you remember but don't dwell on it as it will hurt you forever. x
Sarah x

Sarah

MY 2ND ULTRA SOUND

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARIED FOR 3 YEARS. THIS WAS OUR FIRST PREGNANCY. WE WERE VERY EXITED, AND WORRIED ABOUT IT. MY FIRST ULTRA SOUND WAS DONE AT 6 WEEKS WITH A VISABLE HEARTBEAT. I WAS ALONE AT THIS VISIT AND DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. AFTER 6 WEEKS AND NO PROBLEMS OR SICKNESS I WENT FOR MY 2ND ULTRA SOUND AND THERE WAS NO VISIBLE HEARTBEAT. I WAS CONFUSED BECAUSE I HAD NO SIGN OF ANY PROBLEMS. LUCKILY MY HUSBAND WAS THERE FOR ME. THE NEXT DAY I HAD A D & C AND THAT WAS 2 WEEKS AGO. WE ARE GOING TO TRY AGAIN IN 6 WEEKS.
THANKS AND GOODLUCK
ASHLEY

ASHLEY