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A mother's loss

My husband and I have been trying for years to achieve our pregnancy. We had medical intervention to help us along the way, yes we finally had achieved our pregnancy. I protect our little one with all my love, my heart and made sure i didn't put us in any danger, so by doing this I always did a risk assessment at work, home etc.

Nineteen weeks and three days to twenty weeks I developed bleeding, abdominal pains and shivers. Both our obs were stable within that time. Having been seen by three doctors, no one was able to diagnose me, admit me into hospital for monitoring, think of doing an emergency detailed ultrasound scan to see where I was bleeding from.

Basically there was no compassion with the medical profession, the people we most trust when our health is in danger and as a result we lost our beloved baby.

When my baby died, a part of me died too, my heart is broken but God is keeping me strong because my little angel is flying high so high in the sky.

Butterfly

We Can't Find A Heartbeat.......

It was my first pregnancy and to say the least, we were both very excited about it. I'd spend my days reading up on what to expect and imagining that little boy or girl of mine. The names were already picked out as I made my way for the routine 12 week prenatal visit. This was the big day...I was going to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time.

After a few minutes of trying to unsuccessfully find it on the Dopler, my Doc. sent me to get an ultrasound. Laying on the table, I saw that recognizable image of my baby on the screen. Wow, there it was...see, there's my baby!

However, that moment of elation quickly passed as the tech showed me that were no signs of a heartbeat on the monitor. She informed me that the baby died at 11 weeks and my body hadn't expelled it yet. What followed next was grief and inconsollable crying.

We scheduled a D&C for two days later and faced the insurmountable task of telling everyone the bad news. Most everyone offered a little comfort with their condolences, except for his mother........"Well, it just wasn't meant to be", not exactly the most loving way to put it.

The emotions that follow a miscarriage are never completely understood by those who have been fortunate enough to make it through a pregnancy without one.

Trina

Ophelia

Ophelia
12.04 am, 22nd January 2007.

Today should have been your 1st birthday.
A year of first smiles, first footsteps, first words.
It was cruel that we had such little time together,
but I can still say that holding you, tiny and beautiful and struggling, in my arms
let me experience a love that people would freely die for.
Rest in peace my sweet, sweet darling.

Rose

Missing

After 10 years I finally found myself pregnant again, very shocked especially as my partner was adamant more children were off the agenda. After a wobbly couple of weeks we started to let ourselves enjoy the thought of a new baby, read the magazines and generally started planning.

However at 11 weeks i found myself with some bleeding and a scan revealed a child but no heartbeat. All that hope and plans for the future have been cruelly taken away and yet again I feel as if something is missing from my life. This was only a week ago, I have had to endure the agony of being rushed to hospital to pass the contents of my uterus, which was not only physically painful but knowing what I was having to watch my body do was mental torture too.

I have finally stopped bleeding but feel empty and as if I am unable to get back to normal because I don't know what normal is now. My partner has been such an enormous strength but I.m not able to speak to him about how i feel yet, especially when I am aware of the fact he may not want to "try again". My daughter is devastated, but has bounced back.

I have some good friends but no-one who has experienced this loss and at nearly 39 am wondering if it is worth persuading my partner that having a baby is a wonderful idea and that he got used to the idea the last time, but feeling like this again, i'm not sure I would be able to cope with the disappointment again.

Jayne Belford

An angel in Heaven

So if you don't know. Our son Hunter Thomas Sexton was born and died January 15, 2008. He was born a still born. Even though he is gone and I don't know why I am a mother. I am his mother. I will and still do love him. He will always be my son. He was given to me and taken. Maybe God does have a reason. To me his reason still doesnt seem fair. Maybe he is someones guardian angel. Maybe yours. He is so beautiful. So precious. Looks just like his daddy. Identical. I knew he would. He would have been the best baby. He has beautiful brown hair and brown eyes. Big ole chubby cheeks and beautiful full lips. Hes not too fat. But he has the biggest feet for a baby. He is so perfect.

He was born at 6:52 a.m. He weighted 7 lbs 14 ounces. 19 inches long. Oh hes so perfect. I got to keep him in my room as long as I wanted. Justin and I said goodbye this morning around 8:30 am. But its not goodbye. Im not ready for that yet. They let me come home today and its the sadest thing Ive ever had to do. When we left...I had to go to the funeral home. And make arrangements.

Its going to be beautiful. Its going to be on Friday January 18 at 2 pm at the cemetary between clover and york. Hes going to buried in baby land. Hes going to have a beauitful white casket. We are having a viewing for just the family tomarrow. They don't know what happened yet. We did agree to have him get an autopsy. I want to know. I asked the doctors lots of questions. They said I wont be at high risk for miscarriages or anymore stillborn births. This was an accident. When and only if they can find out what happened they will let me know. He was born one day before his due date.

To all of you at there that think your having a rough life. You will never know the pain it feels to bury your child. You will never know the pain I feel to not have heard him cry when he came out. To never see his smile to never feel his heart beating or hear it again. Do I feel guilty? Yes. He was in my body. I should have protected him more. I know everyone says it wasnt me.but he wasnt in their body. It wasnt their responsibilty to protect him. I feel like its my fault. My beautiful baby boy counted on me. I failed. I begged him and begged him everytime I held him to wake up. For god to give me a miracle. Nobody will know the pain it feels to look at the ultrasound and not see his heart beating when just Friday I heard it.

They said he passed sometime Saturday. They dont know when. There was no saving him. He will ALWAYS be my son. He will ALWAYS be my world. No body will ever know the pain that Justin and I feel. Everyone has been great. But its the hardest thing to look where his crib once stood and it be so empty. I feel asleep holding him at the hospital. Thats the only time I felt close to be whole. Hes our baby. our beautiful baby. Some may look at him and not see that because his skin is peeling away. Those little imprefections are still him. He is still beautiful.

Justin is being so strong. I cant be that strong. Hes being so wonderful to me and helping me but hes keeping it all in. We deserved that little boy we would have taken great care of him. Gaston hospital was great to us. We got Hunter baptized after he was born. Almost the whole family was there. I really cant keep writing this hurts a lot but there were some that wanted to know how I was. If you want to come to the funeral that would be wonderful. Hunter would appreciate it so much. So would I. I will put pictures up soon of him. If you dont think you cant look please dont.

He doesnt look like normal babies all bright and pink. Hes looks different. But in my eyes hes still so beautiful. So beautiful. Hes got a tiny bruise on his cheek from coming out. And hes kinda pale and red. But I am proud of my son. I am proud of how beautiful he is so I will put up pictures. You dont have to look. I dont care. I want to thank everyone for everything. You guys have been great. Im sorry Im not very talkative and not talking. Im not ignoring you its too hard right now. I havent come to terms with it yet.

Meghan