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My angel Ryan

I found out I was pregnant on 1/19/07. This was a shock to my husband and I since we thought we were done having children.(we have a girl 14 and a boy 11) I got pregnant the day before my 39th birthday. After getting over the initial shock, we were both elated. We never thought anything would go wrong since my other 2 pregnancies were perfectly normal.

I started to bleed at 11 weeks, 3 days. Had an ultrasound the next day and was told the baby was fine and had a strong heartbeat. A month later, I passed a clot. Had an ultrasound the next day and was told baby was fine and heartbeat was good but they wanted me to see a perinatologist. Went the next day to the perinatologist and had another ultrasound. My baby was perfectly healthy but I had a small subchorionic bleed.

Two weeks later, on 4/23/07 at 19 weeks and 5 days, I got up to wake my son up for school, stopped to use the bathroom and felt something I thought was a clot passing. I looked down and my son's legs were hanging out of me. I screamed for my husband, who came into the bathroom as the rest of my son came out. I will never forget the look on my husband and older son's faces or the sound of their cries as they realized what was happening. Thankfully my daughter had already left for school.

My husband could not remember our address when he called 911 because he was so upset. Thankfully, he is a police officer and his car was in our driveway so they found our house. I was rushed to the hospital along with the son we wanted so badly and whom I knew was dead. I had a D&C and was sent home in a daze. We were given pictures of our son, who we named Ryan Andrew. He weighed only 6 ounces but he was so perfect.

My husband held him and cried for an hour before we left the hospital. I was told the subchorionic bleed is what made me go into labor and deliver my son. I miss my son and cry for him everyday. Even though we didn't think we wanted any more children, we wanted him so much after I got pregnant. We have decided to try again. I will be 40 in December and I hope I can have another child.

God bless you Ryan...Mommy loves you.

Jill

Dealing with a miscarriage

I don’t know where to begin, except to say I feel so lost right now. My boyfriend and I went the ER on May 26th, because I had some spotting and was very concerned, and so were told that they did not hear a heartbeat and that raised an alert so they ruled a possible miscarriage. I will find out more in a couple of days when I go back and they check my hCG levels, but I already know that I am having a miscarriage because I don’t feel pregnant anymore.

We are having a really hard time dealing with the news. It was just 8 weeks ago that we were celebrating and now we are grieving for our loss. It sometimes just doesn’t seem fair, we seem to ask ourselves why us why does it happen to the good people, the ones that want to have children and seem to have a hard time.

I am 36 years old and have been trying for years. I had gastric bypass surgery last year to help me get pregnant and we got pregnant the first try; we both were so happy that I just couldn’t believe it had finally happen after all these years. I just let God have control, and try to not blame myself for this loss...

I feel like I am letting my partner down because the one thing he wants most is a child and I feel like I have failed him. But I know we will get through this in our own time, and we will try again because we want to have a child more than anything in this world....

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely


Lisa

I Had to Say Goodbye Before I said Hello...

On February 24th I got up out of bed and my breasts were hurting so bad, I knew I was late on my period, which is not normal, so I had an old pregnancy test in the bathroom that I took, --it came up positive-- We were so excited.

We started calling people right away. Weeks passed by and I went to my first doctor visit, they did not want to do an ultrasound, but I cried and made them do one, I was 6 weeks and 1 day along, heartbeat was fine, me and my 5 year old son heard the heartbeat, I got 2 pictures from the ultrasound of a lima bean sized baby. My baby.

4 more weeks went by, tons of planning, baby naming, people even started to buy me stuff, I had tons of maternity clothes already, I was ready for this baby to get here. I had every sign of being pregnant; weight gain, cravings, sickness, I had it all. On April 4th I went to the bathroom before bed and noticed light bleeding, I didn’t think it was anything to worry about. I woke up the next morning and I was still bleeding, I then called my doctor, she told me not to worry about it that it was my body changing. I then called a diff doctor; he said the same thing, not to worry about it. I was so scared and worried. But trusted the doctors. I also said that would never happen to me.

My wedding was in 2 days!! I went to the grocery store to finish buying all our food for the wedding, I went to the bathroom and I was still bleeding, but it was getting worse, so I told my mom I needed to go to the emergency room, we left right away, after about 5 hours in the waiting room I finally got back to see the doctor, he did an ultrasound on me and told me the baby didn’t have a heartbeat, I told him he was wrong because 4 weeks earlier I heard the heartbeat.

He assured me there was not one, he told me that the baby looked like it stopped growing at 6 weeks, which was when I had the ultrasound done...I heard my baby’s heartbeat right before god took him/her. At the time I was supposed to be 10 weeks along. I had been carrying my baby with out a heartbeat for 4 weeks. The reason I still felt pregnant is because my body still thought I was pregnant because of my pregnancy levels. In that emergency room I completely lost it...I just could not believe it. It did not seem real.

I had a D&C done to remove the baby, and got married the next day. My wedding was wonderful, but I just did not feel right, I couldn’t smile like I wanted to, but everybody knew why and understood. It has been 2 months since then, and it has been a hard 2 months, I still have all the clothes and toys I had already gotten, I still look at my ultrasound pictures all the time, and still cry all the time, I still do not understand why God did this to me. We wanted this baby so bad.

I got put on anti-depressants by my doctor because some days I could not get out of bed, and when I did get out of bed all I did was cry. I had a 5 year old son to take care of, and I couldn’t do it like this.... when I saw a pregnant person I wanted to scream, I would get so mad and upset, and pretty much hated every pregnant person I saw, I have been on them for a little over a month, and I am a completely different person.

I still get sad and I still cry, the pills did not take my emotions away, but they are helping me so much. I will never forget this baby and this baby will never be replaced! I just wish I wouldn’t have had to say goodbye before I said hello...


Lisa

My 7th Week Happiness turned into 1 nights Sadness

I found out I was pregnant when I took the test at work the same day my period was due. My first pregnancy I was over the MOON. It was like a dream it took like A week to accept I'M PREGNANT.

I Was So Happy.

Until I went to the toilet and saw a clot and I knew I was having a miscarriage.
I went to the hospital with my cousin jay and the emergency gynae announced it.
I cried, why did this have to happen I was so happy and now its like its been taken away from me.

It’s the 2nd day since it happened an all I can do is cry.

My partner Big T is supporting me but its just shocking.

I pray GOD BLESSES us with another baby but I will never forget my 1st child. I know I’ll get stronger as the day goes by in JESUS'S Name...AMEN xx


chevonne

Miscarried at 14 weeks

I just miscarried on May 14 and I can't seem to get over it. I feel extremely guilty because I went to work when I had bled the day before. The doctor said it wouldn't have mattered where I was and that it was going to happen whether I stayed home and rested etc.

But the part that is hard is that my water broke and I had my baby come out in the bathroom in the toilet. I went into shock and I guess I flushed not knowing or realising I had done that. I can't stop feeling this guilt over having my baby not be miscarried at home and where I would have been able to have help and have someone get the baby out of the toilet. I later went to the hospital and was told I went into shock and then later had to have a D& C done.

I am 34 and I have SVT ( Heart palipations) I am also overweight, so the doctor had stated I would be a high risk pregnancy and being over 30. I never expected this and I cannot get it out of my mind. I am trying to be positive, but it just won't leave my mind.

My husband has been great, but can't seem to understand my guilty feelings and I think he is also mad that I did not get the baby out of the toilet. I also expect to wake up and have morning sickness and now it is gone, I cursed it when it was here and now I long for my morning sickness back. I have two beautiful boys but still I can't believe how bad this hurts.

sad& feeling alone.


Patricia anderson