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my loss

i am 32. i conceived through artificial insemination, at first try. my husband and i were exctatic. we told our family and friends as soon as we found out, which was not a plan but we just couldn't help it. i felt great. at 5 weeks i had light bleeding and rushed to my doctor's office. i had an ultrasound which showed that the pregnancy was in the righ place (not ectopic) but there was no heartbeat. however, i was told it was probably because it was too early. i was diagnosed with subchorionic hematoma, which is basically a bleeding on the uterine wall, at this point a bruise and i was told that if it heals properly it sould have no effect on the pregnancy. i was given time off work and i was put on bedrest to help the bruise heal. i was a little worried but i had another ultrasound the following week, and this time the heart was beating strong and everthing looked great. as a precaution i spent another week resting and i was feeling great. i was to be followed with ultrasounds weekly to monitor the hematoma. following week, the heamtoma was decresing but the heartbeat was a little slowbut again i was told not too worry, probably everything was ok. i did worry, but i kept feeling great and more and more pregnant, so that put my mind at ease. the next week the heartbeat was 154 bpm, and the hematoma was practically gone. i was getting more confident that everything will be ok, i was almost 9 weeks. i could make out the babie's shape on the ultrasound, i thought it was beautifull, my little baby! i felt amazing the whole week. at the next ultrasound i first asked about the hematoma, and the technician said it's practically gone. and then she kept looking and looking at the monitor and after about 5 moinutes she said she needs to ask for help from more experienced college. the second technician came in and after few minutes of looking at all angles she said she cannot find the hearbit, and that she's very sorry but the baby died probably few days ago. i felt devastated, and couldn't understatnd how is it possible that i haven't felt a thing, that everything felt right. i had d&c about an hour later. at first i was very upset that we told so many people so early about the pregnancy, and i thought that if i ever get pregnant again i won't tall anyone untill the baby is out and healthy, but then as we kept telling people about our loss, i started to feel better because we received a lot of wormth and support and found out that many of our friends who now how beautiful and healthy babies went through this before. it really gives me hope, that we will be able to have a healthy baby ourselves. i haven't talked to my doctor yet, since the procedure so i don't know how long he will advise us to wait before we try again, but i hope he'll say we can try very soon. being pregnant felt amazing, even thought i had a lot of anxiety and fears about having a baby before we got pregnant. (i wanted to for a while, i just wasn't sure if it was right moment yet) but when i actually did get pregnant it felt just right, so at least now i know i am ready. i feel very sad and empty and angry but at the same time i do have hope that we will be parents of a healthy baby soon. i wish you all good luck, in your healing process after your loss and in your future pregnancies.
k.

kamille

My first baby

I've known my boyfriend, Richard, since we were in 5th grade. I remember the very first thing he said to me. I remember where we first met. I'm 19 now, and I work as a hostess at a restaurant. I make $7 an hour and there is no way I could support myself, let alone my baby. My dad broke his back and isn't working and my mom quit her job so she could stay home and take care of him, so I couldn't get much help from my parents either.

I was only a few months along, and I hadn't told anyone. Finally one night me and Richard were chatting about something completely irrelevant and we got to a lull in the conversation. I looked at him and simply said 'I think I'm pregnant.' We were both terrified, there's no way we were ready for this. But I was so happy too. I think she would have been a little girl.

She would have had olive skin like her daddy and blue eyes like her mommy. She would have driven me insane when she became a teenager, exactly like I did to my parents. But she would have grown up to be a beautiful and smart young lady.

But instead of bringing this wonderful baby into the world, I started bleeding one day. I didn't understand what was going on, because I didn't think it would happen. I knew I couldn't possibly give her the life I wanted to, but I didn't want this to happen.

I lost my little Delial.

Pamela

not again

i have just had my second miscarrage at 6 months and im heartbroken ,ive been sat here reading some of your storys and it helps to know that what im feeling is normal because i feel like im on my own right now my husband is great but i feel that he doesnt understand im the one that carried him im the one that give birth to him im the one that sits here day after day crying and no one can help they say i have a incompetant cervix thats why its happened again has anyone had this and have u gone on to have anymore children if u have plz let me know thanks .

michelle

What makes a mom

What Makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby is not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
with all the other children and say

"We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's were I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
until your lesson's through.
and on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start

Though some on Earth may not realize,
you are a Mother
until their time is done.
they'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

Written by: Jennifer Wasik

Ashley

Michael Lance

My name is Ashley Schramm i was 22 in half weeks pregnant when I loss my baby boy. I remember how shocked everyone was when they found out I was pregnant. there were a lot of different emotions from everyone even myself. I was scared and shocked but me and bobby decided to bring this child into the world and give him the best life we possibly could. I had my ups and downs in the pregnancy but I was excited I couldn’t wait till February 7, 2009 to hold my baby for the first time.

Then the only thing that never crossed my mind happened on October 7,2008 I am might lose my baby boy. Saturday I was looking at baby shower receptions and now today I am empty with no baby kicking me anymore, no one to talk to anymore and nothing to look forward to on feb 7, 2009.

I Remember right before I gave birth that it hit me my baby was dead.
to describe the pain, the utter despair I felt then. I had always told myself that bad things happen to good people and someday I would be put to the test. I guess I didn't really believe it though, because I was so surprised. It had never occurred to me that I might lose this baby.

"I love you so much my precious boy! I can't wait to meet you someday! I am so sorry this happened!"

Ashley