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only god....

this is my story on how i loss my first child..... we found out that we was have our first child . you think thats a joy right.. everthing was good great i was getting big and the baby started to maked.. it was the life i always want it.. we had our own place , we was high school sweet hearts.. then we got the news when i was 6 months that our little girl had O.N.T(OPEN TUBE DIF..) we didnt know what that was tell i looked it up online and read about.. my heart fall.. i tryed to go full trem but i got realy sick.. and the doctor told me that i had to give our child up..so on january 31,08 i with in and to give birth on feb1 to a beauitful little girl.. her dad named her Laila Ar'ie'-Renne Matin she fight for two hours and when home to be with god at 9:20 am.. we miss her very much.. but a year later we find out we have another baby.. god has bless us..

story of my loss

Me and my husband have been TTC for five and a half years. In July 2008 I finally became pregnant. I scheduled an appointment with an OBGYN around the middle of August for my first appointment. We were so excited because we have been wanting a child for so long. When I went for my appointment, the doctor examined me and said that I had a little brown discharge. She wanted me to schedule a u/s to make sure everything was ok. She said since it was not red blood that it might have been normal. I was six weeks pregnant. The earliest appointment I was able to get was four days later. The day that I was supposed to get my u/s, I woke up early that morning from severe pain in my lower abdomen. I ran to the bathroom and I was bleeding pretty heavy. I rushed to the hospital, my mother-in-law drove me because I was too upset, where my husband works. Before I was finished admitting myself he was already there to be with me. They brought me to a room where they took urine, blood and the doctor examined me. When the doctor examined me he said that my cervix was larger than it should be for only being six weeks pregnant and that my cervix was closed. The sent me for a u/s, which I had to wait for three hours. That was the longest three hours I have ever experienced. First they did an abdominal scan and then a vaginal scan, in which they said they did not see anything not even a baby. The doctor then told me that I might not be as pregnant as I thought I was and I was only threatening a miscarriage. They gave me a shot, because I’m rah negative and sent me home. About four hours later I passed my baby. I was so upset because the hospital gave me hope that everything might be ok. So I went back to the hospital. They didn’t even examine me, they just said "Sorry for yall loss here is a prescription for pain." They sent me home and told me to come back if I had a lot of bleeding. It has been seven months since my miscarriage and I still get upset. I also still have pains in my left side that I have been having ever since the miscarriage. I have been TTC ever since the miscarriage, but no luck yet. Sorry for everyone’s loss!

Heather

a sad loss of baby number three

Hi my name is samantha and i am from canada and this is my story about how i loss my beautfull baby number three.me and my husband had been trying for a year and let me tell you a year was long time for me simply because i had 2 preveouse pregnancys with no problems getting pregnant .. this one seemed to be diffeant i found out i was pregnant in november 2008 and told my best friend and my husband we were all so excited i went shopping with my friend and saw my other friend we had always said wouldnt it be great if we got pregnant together .. i told her i was pregnant and she told em she was too so i asked her when are you due and she said july 31 of 2009 i said this is awsome i am due july 27 we were due 4 days apart we were so excited we cried and laughed we just shared a increadable bond.. after that day i started to worry it was like something inside said something is gonna happen to my baby and i just couldnt shake it off i told my mother in law and she said stop worrying i just couldnt i told her every day i need to make it to 3 months everyone thought i was nuts this time was differant because usually i feel the ball in the middle of my tummy and i didnt so as christmas appaered everyone in my familly was getting excited they all said wow you are starting to grow maybe you are havng twins because we have alot of twins in my familly i said as long as he or she is healthy i dont care i just want my baby in my arms.. i started having mucus come out with little bits of blood i ditn think anything of it because it was not alot.. sunday morning comes december 28 2008 i woke my hubby up at 6 am and said i need the hospital im bleeding .. we dropped are other two off at his parents and we went to the hospital i think at the time i was thinking well its nothing im sure im fine .. i went to the room and the doctor came in he told me not to worry because he thought what was going on was the placneta was on the bottom and i would need to take it easy . he asked me how far along i was i told him 10 weeks . so he examined me he told me that where the baby was it was bleeding and i needed a ultra scan i freaked out i coulndt believe this was happening so i went on that i saw the baby and i smiled at the baby he or she was so tiny. . i went back the the out patients and waited and waited 3 hours i had no pain and wasnt bleeding i thoght it was good news till i saw a weird doctor rush from outside and go to the outpatients.. they called me in and he was rambling on and on and finally said you know this is bad right and i said no no no what he tolf me that my baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks and it had died 4 weeks ago i strated crying so bad i thought i was gonna die.. he told em to get a D AND C done and i really was devastated.. afted it was done i went home feeeling alone sad mad at everyone and everthing,,, 3 days later new years eve i needed to go back i had infectinons from the dead baby that they took out i spent 2 days in there i was really so sad and upset i wanted to go home..that night they let me out, 11 pm at night i started bleeding to death and i went back again they hadnt gotttne all the stuff out of me so they had to remove the clumps... this experience has left me feeling alone and mad i cry everyday i dont want to be around other pregenant moms or babyes im so upset about this the doctor said they would monitor me when i get pregnant again and that my first ultrasound would be when im 5 weeks i hope next time that my baby is okay and he or she will survive i know these things happen but i really never want this to happen to em ever again... i decided that i wouldname my un born baby cloey elizabeth leblanc and i have a stone in the grave yard with her there and when i go to heaven i will see my beatufull baby girl and hold her and kiss her and tell her i love her so much.. cloey mommy loves you and when its my time baby mommy will come to see you i kow you will be watching over me your dad and your beautifull sisters lerissa and arabella. your mommmys special angel i love you xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox R.I.P beautfull girl ....... gods grace and presence will keep you safe....

samanha leblanc

My angel

My name is Jamii I am 14 years old, and i got pregnant when i was 13..
I was madly in love with this guy robert.. I met him on the side of the rode walking home after me and my boyfriend got into a fight.. He talked to me..
Then a few months later we started dating, we were already in love i guess u could say he was my best friend.. Well he was my first time, and bam i got pregnant. I told him he seemed happy,, he said he was..
We went to the doctors, well when i told my parents they told me to pack my shit and leave then were dealing with it. so roberts dad let me move in.. We slept in the same bed.. 13 and 15 years old we knew we wanted to spend forever together..
Well i was home aone one day waiting on robert and his dad to come get me to take me to a doctors appointment, a knock at the door i answered it it was a man i didnt know said he was waiting on roberts dad, i told him come in and sit i went to go down in the basement to grab my shoes robert texted me and told me he was 5 minutes away, i told hm some strange man was there..
he told me not to let him in, i was like i already did.. Hes like downstairs and dont come up.. I went to go down the stairs, and the man came up behinde me and grabbed me.. i punched him he pushed me down the basement steps.. i was 7 months pregnant..
robert and his dad pulled in the drive way and jumped out the car.. when they got in the house they saw him at the top of the steps me laying at the bottum.. robert started puching him.. then ran to me.. they guy ran out his dad called 911,, rushed me to the hospital,, 3 hours later they told me our baby-boy was dead.
That was the first time i saw him cry..

Now 2 years later still together. i never went back home, my parents told me i could after the baby died, but i didnt..
me and robert have a 5 month old little girl.. Name Jacklynn Marie.. We are soo happy.. We still remeber that day.. When jacklynn is older we will tell her about her "older brother Jason Allen"

Jamii Marie

I lost my baby boy, Ryan, at 26 weeks...

It’s been 2 weeks since my baby died. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. My little Ryan had been extremely active ever since I first started feeling him move...but there were days when he wouldn't move around 22 or 23 weeks and I was told that was normal. So Monday when I didn't feel him move after mid morning right at 26 weeks I was concerned but was told sometimes they just don’t move all the time. The following day I felt nothing and took myself into Labor and Delivery. Upon getting checked in they found his heartbeat, a strong 120...however I remember the Doctor saying she'd prefer to see more "variation"....I guess it would have been better if it was moving around more. The doctor had a full ultrasound done and in the 45 minutes the ultrasound tech was doing it he didn't see my baby move once...not a finger or a toe or even the appearance of his chest going up and down - and yet his heart continued to beat. A few hours later though his heartbeat gradually began to go down...115, 110, and eventually they thought that his heartbeat was very close to mine, which was in the low 90's. They immediately took me in for an emergency c-section when it dipped that low. (The baby's father believes they had lost his heartbeat for a while, I don’t know what to believe). The c-section was over within 10-15 minutes and my baby was stillborn. They tried to recessitate him but there was no chance of bringing him back. All my original blood tests came back normal and in the mean time I am waiting on a full panel of test results including placenta and cord testing as well as an autopsy. One thing that I was told was that I have a heart shaped uterus, but according to my doctor it isn't a very bad one and it wouldn't have been the cause of what happened and it shouldn't have any effect on future pregnancies...but it scares me. After the c-section, I was in the hospital for 3 and a half days, during which I got to spend as much time with my son as I wanted. At first I thought this was a crazy idea but those precious moments I got with him in those days are all I will ever get to hold on to. Plus, we got the opportunity to get some pictures which we may never look at or maybe we'll cling to them - who knows? The hospital was great, they helped us get foot prints and even called someone in to make molds of my baby boy’s feet...they also made us a birth certificate, since technically we don’t get one since he never took a breath.

I didn't cry until the night I got home from the hospital. It hit me in a wave...I had just left my baby all alone to be stored in a freezing cold morgue until someone could cut him open to perform an autopsy. It took everything inside of me to not get into the car (which since having had a c-section and being heavily drugged would have been a tremendously bad thing to do) and drive to the hospital to see him again. In the days since then I've been trying to stay as busy as I possibly can (reading books on grieving...creating a website in memorial to my baby boy, etc), which isn't very much seeing as I'm supposed to be resting for the next few weeks. But if I stop for two seconds I have a panic attack. I miss my baby. Yesterday there was a memorial.......but yesterday was supposed to be the day I got my 3D ultrasound pictures. I'm not supposed to be grieving the loss of a son I never got to know. I'm not supposed to be worrying about no one remembering him but me. Or people belittling my loss because I never got to be "attached" to my child. No one can "remember" him...except for me and Joe (Ryan's farther). And really all Joe can remember was the Ryan we got to spend time with at the hospital, and that’s not the Ryan I think of. It’s weird and hard to explain to anyone else except to say that when you have someone growing inside you, you feel like you already know them. I knew what time of day Ryan kicked the most, I knew that he liked to be on the left side of my tummy and I knew that if I put headphones on my tummy and put a certain track of a classical CD I have on he'd start to kick like crazy. So even though I didn't know the color of his eyes or the sound of his laugh...I knew a different baby than the one they gave to me. It’s still hard for me to admit that that was my baby. In the hospital I held him as much as I could bare to...but I never told him I loved him, now I wish I did...and I never kissed him, now I wish I did. I felt like I was holding a doll...I felt like I was going to wake up and it would be some horrible nightmare. I’m sure where ever my baby is he knows how much I love him but I wish I could go back in time and express that more when I had him with me. I loved my child from the second I found out I was pregnant. All I ever wanted was for him to be healthy and for some unknown reason this had to happen. I am so angry and sad and I don’t know how to move foreword. I don’t see myself being able to move forward. I know people say it takes time, but I want my baby back...I'll always want my baby back. I just don’t know where to go from here...I feel so alone in my grieving for this baby, like no one else can truly understand because he was inside me and I was the only one who knew him in any way when he was alive..........

I’m going a bit insane with everything going through my mind right now. I actually experienced some very mild bleeding at two different points during my pregnancy. Both times it wasn't even enough to fill a quarter of a panty liner but even so it scared the hell out of me. I was told "sometimes this just happens, its kind of a wait and see game" and both times nothing ever happened.......the last time that even happened was 2 months before I lost Ryan so it was completely unrelated but still for the remainder of my pregnancy I would check to make sure I wasn't bleeding every single time I went to the bathroom. Now I can’t help but wonder “what if?” about absolutely everything that I did during my pregnancy. What if I should have never taken baths? What if the one soda in a blue moon I allowed myself hurt my baby? Or…I got a pedicure a few weeks ago, was it the fumes? Or…I went into a casino for about an hour one night...did I inhale smoke and kill my baby? Or...I got a spider bite a few weeks ago...should I have taken that more seriously and gotten it checked out? Or the fact that it bothered me that at the doctors office I went to I had been seeing a Nurse Practitioner every check up until later in the pregnancy when I would have started to regularly see a Doctor...did that Nurse do something wrong? She was very nonchalant about the few bleeding episodes and always seemed so busy...what if something could have been prevented??? I saw her only 5 days before I lost him…why didn’t she notice something was wrong? She barely gave me the time of day. She found the baby’s heart beat and since I had bronchitis she prescribed me some Robitussin, the whole appointment lasted no more than 5-10 minutes...and should I even have been taking that??? Or did me getting sick make him sick? Or what if I had come in to the hospital on Monday instead of Tuesday, could they have done something different? Or what if we had insisted they do the c-section immediately instead of waiting attached to the fetal monitor to see if there were any changes??? These questions keep circling around in my head and I feel a bit insane at times. I'm worried that whenever I get pregnant again I'll be afraid to leave my bed. I think I might have to buy one of those professional fetal heart monitors so I can hear his heartbeat whenever I need to. Although that wouldn't even have helped in my case because his heartbeat was there right up until the very last minute going into my c-section. I know people must think I'm crazy...my baby has only been gone 11 days and I'm thinking about having another one. But really that idea has been the absolute only thing to help me make it through my days. It terrifies me that something like this could happen again...but then I read so many stories about people having children after a miscarriage or a still birth and that’s all I want. I feel empty right now. I hate to look at my body because my boobs are starting to shrink as the milk dries up, and my stomach is slowly deflating - I can see my toes again but I'm not supposed to be able to right now. I think the worst part of the physical part is the fact that I am going to have a permanent scar to remind me I lost my son. Emotionally though all I can think is that as soon as it’s physically possible I want to be pregnant again. I would never dream of having a child to "replace" Ryan...because that simply isn't possible and I know that, I really do. But I was very, very ready to be a mom. More ready than most people - even at my age. Even when I was younger I always just wanted to be a mommy. I would be content being a soccer mom and having 5 kids and just taking care of them. Not that I don’t have career and life goals for myself but being a mom has always been number one on my list of things to do. That idea is what I cling to when I feel like everything is falling apart. I don’t know if that's healthy...I'm sure it’s probably not, but I feel like it’s all I have.

Is there anyone at all who has gone through anything even semi-similar...and if so would you mind sharing your story and how did you managed?

Ryans Mommy